Huzzah!
by Sardonic Kender Smile
Summary: In Chapter 32! The tactician really wants to be a duck, Serra and L’Arachel break the laws of physics—again—and everything is BRIGHTLY COLORED AND LATIN AMERICAN! Sucks for those who have a grip on a reality…yes, Erk, that means you.
1. Chapter 1! Introduction to Muahaha

_A/N: Hello! This is my first fic, so…basically I have no idea what I'm doing. laughs Please try to bear with me if the gaps between the scenes disappear and you have no idea what's going on—I'm sorry, and I'll figure out how to fix that really soon! Well, this story's really…odd, for lack of another word. It's supposed to be humor, but I've got a weird sense of humor, so I'm not sure how many people will get it. Oh well. Please review!_

_Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, except for Della._

**_CHAPTER ONE—Introduction to MUAHAHA_**

"This is ridiculous," Erk snorted, standing.

"Erk! No!" Serra shouted. "Why are you leaving? I want to play chess against you again!"

"You don't know how to play chess! For the last time—pawns do not move backwards!"

Serra huffed and folded her arms. "So? Come back here, Erk! I said COME BACK HERE! Where are you going?"

"To go see Pricilla," the Mage retorted without even turning to look at Serra.

"Why do you spend so much time with Pricilla?"

"Because she knows how to play chess!"

Serra squealed angrily, at a loss for words. Erk walked away. He was walking outside, under a tree, when all of a sudden a flash of green appeared almost silently at his side. Instantly the Mage recognized Della, the fourteen-year-old tactician.

"Hiya, Erk!" she chirruped.

"Lady Della…" Erk said curiously, "Did you just jump out of that tree?" Della often acted older than she was—being a tactician was a lot of responsibility—but every once in a while…

"Yup," Della replied, grinning. "I was bored! OH MY GOSH I'M SO BORED! I think I'll blame Karel, just because I don't have anyone else to blame." Della ran over and began to climb the tree again, singing something about Fraggles and Muppets. Erk shook his head. Della was usually quite sane—unless she was bored. When she was bored, she snapped and went crazy trying to amuse herself.

"Hey, Erk?" she called from up in the branches. "I really am bored. Do you want to come with me to find some people to hang out with? We could go Hector-hunting, Kent-catching, or Florina-following. Your pick." She dropped out of the tree again, landing without a sound. Erk gave a start.

"How do you do that, Lady Della?"

The tactician grinned. "Matthew taught me. Look what else I can do!" She threw back her head and let out a maniacal, bone-chilling "MUAHAHAHA!"

Erk shivered, and was about to ask where she learned that, when Isadora came galloping out of nowhere and halted in front of the two.

"Della!" she yelled, "What in Elimine's name was THAT?"

"My evil mastermind laughter," Della answered obediantly. Isadora smacked herself on the forehead.

"You've been hanging out with the bad guys again, haven't you? What have I told you about associating with the enemy!"

Della lowered her eyes. "But Ephidel's cool," she said softly.

"EPHIDEL!" Isadora shrieked. "Cool!"

The tactition grinned. "At least I didn't say he's hot."

Isadora shook her head, exasperated, and rode away. Della tapped her chin, thoughtful.

"Really," she mused, "Ephidel's not hot at all. Lord Eliwood, however…" Della burst out laughing at the frightened look on Erk's face. "Calm down, Erk, I was kidding." She grew thoughtful again. "Come to think of it, that's a good way to freak people out. I think I'll go talk about Eliwood to Sain…maybe that'll get Sain to leave me alone." Della skipped away in search of Sain.

"Freak…people….out?" Erk said slowly to himself. What exactly was that supposed to mean? That Della sure was odd sometimes. He watched her retreating figure, skipping along to go find Sain. What did she say? Maybe that'll get Sain to leave me alone. Erk sighed. Great. Now the knight was flirting with the TACTITIAN.

"Where will it end?" the Mage asked nobody in particular.

"It ends right here!" Farina the Pegasus Knight swooped down out of nowhere, smacking Erk right in the forehead with the flat side of her javelin. Erk blacked out.

* * *

"Okay," said Matthew, practically bursting with excitement, "Are you ready?"

Legault sighed. "Yes, yes. What did you want to tell me so badly, Matthew?"

"Okay, here it is…we're going to start A BAND!"

Legault raised an eyebrow. "A band? Like a band of thieves? That's really original."

"No, no." Matthew shook his head. "A MUSICAL BAND!"

"………..you mean like Ninian and Nils…?"

"NO!" Matthew whipped out an electric guitar. Legault snapped to attention.

"Woah! What is that thing?"

Matthew shrugged. "I don't know exactly…Della got it for me. She said it's an electric guitar. I figured out how to play it…and it sounds SO COOL!"

"So…what exactly is going on?"

Matthew sighed and explained to Legault what Della had explained to Matthew what one of Della's boy-crazy friends had explained to Della. Boy bands. Matthew was going to start a band.

"So…" Legault concluded slowly, "We are a punk'd…pimpin'…rock-the-house…boy band?"

"YES!" Matthew cheered.

"But Matthew…how are we going to pull that off? All we've got is you, me, and a guitar."

Matthew wagged his finger. "You underestimate me. I also got…a DRUM SET!" Matthew magically whisked a drum set out from behind his back. "You can play this, Legault!"

Legault nodded, starting to like this whole idea. Then he frowned. "But…we can't have a band without a lead singer!"

"I've got it covered," said Matthew, dusting off his shoulder. "I know just the man."

"Who?"

"Jaffar!"

There was a long pause. Then Legault said, rather skeptically:

"…Jaffar."

"Yeah!"

"Matthew? I don't know if you noticed, but…Jaffar doesn't talk. Like, ever. To Anyone. What makes you think he's going to SING?"

Matthew waved his hand as if to wave his fellow thief's question away. "It doesn't matter. We have an image. That's all we need." He paused thoughtfully. "Well, we might need Nino, too. You know how fond Jaffar is of Nino. Now…go get Jaffar and tell him that he has been suddenly elected into a band without his previous consent."

"Me? Why do I have to do it?"

"Because he'll kill ME," Matthew said meekly. "You guys worked together, your chances of surviving are 27 greater than mine."

"Oh great," said Legault sarcastically. "Thanks." He sighed and stood, ready to go get Jaffar anyway. He walked out the door and bumped into Pricilla, who was walking down the hallway.

"Sorry!" she said.

"Just blame Karel.," Legault muttered, ready to run. He hated clerics…they were so…KIND.

"Are you hurt? I can heal you if you are, I'm so sorry—"

"Don't worry about it." the thief said quickly. "I'm in a hurry, you know, places to go, things to steal…"

Pricilla looked alarmed. "What?"

"Uh…'green blue teal', that's what I said. Those are my favorite colors. See you around." Legault ran away. Pricilla, looking perturbed, poked her head into the room where Matthew was.

"Um, excuse me…have you seen Erk lately?"

"Erk? Yeah." Matthew shrugged nonchalantly. "He was lying unconscious outside. Blame Karel."

Pricilla gasped and ran outside.

Matthew went to go get a snack.

* * *

"Muaha!" Ephidel whipped out a sword and did some pretty fancy work with it. Linus was impressed. He leaned forward, always willing to learn a new sword move.

"How do you do that, Ephidel?"

Ephidel grinned. "Lloyd taught me. Look what else I can do!" He threw back his head and let out a maniacal, bone-chilling "tee hee hee!"

Linus shivered, and was about to ask where he learned that, when Nergal came magicking out of nowhere and halted in front of the two.

"Ephidel!" he yelled, "What in evil's name was THAT?"

"My sweet innocent giggly laughter," Ephidel answered obediently. Nergal smacked himself on the forehead.

"You've been hanging out with the good guys again, haven't you? What have I told you about associating with the enemy!"

Ephidel lowered his eyes. "But Della's cool," he said softly.

"DELLA!" Nergal shrieked. "Cool!"

The morph grinned. "At least I didn't say she's hot."

Nergal shook his head, exasperated, and teleported away. Ephidel tapped his chin, thoughtful.

"Really," he mused, "Della's not hot at all. Sonia, however…" Ephidel burst out laughing at the frightened look on Linus's face. "Calm down, Linus, I was kidding." He grew thoughtful again. "Come to think of it, that's a good way to freak people out. I think I'll go talk about Sonia to Limstella…maybe that'll get Limstella to leave me alone." Ephidel skipped away in search of Limstella.


	2. Chapter 2! Space, Time, and Physics

A/N: Ok, here's part two of my really odd random story. I looked at the stats…21 people read part one the last time I checked…I guess that's not very good, but I don't care, because I'm writing this solely for my own amusement anyway. –Smiles-. I did get two reviews though…I have now discovered that reviews are fun to read! WOOHOO!

_**CHAPTER TWO—Space, Time, and Physics**_

Kent sat alone on his horse, at guard duty. Sain had nearly gotten mobbed by one of the Pegasus sisters and had galloped away. So now Kent had to take over for his partner. Again. Suddenly the knight spotted a green-clad blur running towards him. It was running really, really fast, but after a short distance it would collapse from exhaustion. It would lay there a moment, then get up and commence running really really fast again. Kent rolled his eyes but smiled fondly. It could only be three people—Sain, Della, or Rebecca. As he watched, the figure stumbled over its own feet and fell. The figure tried to get up, but tripped over its own feet AGAIN and fell back down. Kent sighed. That would have to be Della.

"Hi, Kent!" the tactician called as she finally made it to him.

"Well met, Lady Della."

Della grinned. Whenever Kent greeted her so politely, it made her smile. There weren't many guys like Kent. The only other one she could think of was Eliwood. Her smile widened.

"Kent, is Sain around?"

"Not right now." Kent frowned. "It was odd really…Fiora swooped out of the sky and tried to kill him, so he ran away."

Della frowned, too. "That's weird…" She brightened. "Let's blame Karel."

Suddenly Lowen charged up the hill towards them, gasping for air (although his HORSE was running, HE wasn't…).

"Sir Kent!" Lowen cried. "The Pegasus sisters have gone crazy!"

"What!" Kent and Della cried simultaneously.

Lowen saluted and hurriedly explained. "Erk was knocked unconscious by Farina who is now chasing down Marcus, and they found Sain bound and gagged by Fiora who is now chasing—AAAHHH!" Lowen turned his horse and charged away, Fiora and her Pegasus right behind him.

Della, who was humming the Fraggle song as Lowen spoke, suddenly snapped into sane, comprehendible, and intelligent action.

"Onward, Kent!" she cried, jumping behind him onto his horse. "We must help Lowen! Quickly—head for the south-east courtyard, we'll meet them there and catch them by surprise! Do you have an axe with you? They can only use spears, so an axe will put you at an advantage."

"I guess this means you aren't bored anymore," Kent said, spurring on his horse.

----------

"Hey Rath," said Louise during archery practice, "Did you know that some people think that whenever someone says something bad about you, you sneeze?"

----------

Karel sneezed violently several times.

----------

"He says 'no'," said Nino.

"What!" cried Legault. "What do you mean, no? He HAS to join!" the thief looked pleadingly at Jaffar. Jaffar said nothing. Nino sighed.

"Now he says 'double no'," she interpreted. "But don't blame yourself. You can blame Karel." Legault smacked his forehead.

"Jaffar, please, we need a lead singer for the band! I'm not too proud to beg!" Legault paused thoughtfully. "Actually, yes I am. MATTHEW! Get over here and beg!"

"What!" Matthew ran over, caught one look from Jaffar, and hurled himself to his knees, begging. "Pleasepleaseplease join my band! Puh-leeeeease!" Jaffar said nothing.

"No good," said Nino. "Jaffar says 'triple no'."

Matthew thought quickly. "Uh…if you join…we'll let you assassinate Sera!"

Jaffar did not move. He did not say anything.

"He said 'yes'!" Nino cried excitedly. "Wow! Great job you guys…oh, look how happy you made him! Look, he's smiling!"

Jaffar's face was completely blank. Matthew and Legault exchanged glances.

"Uh, thanks a lot, Jaffar," said Legault. "We'll get back to you once we find a practice time." He and Matthew hurriedly walked away.

"You know…" Matthew muttered, "Maybe Nino knows him just a little TOO well…"

"Who cares?" cried Legault. "We have a Punk'd Pimpin' Rock-the-House Boy Band!"

"Forshizzle, Legizzle mah frizzle!" yelled Matthew. They gave each other a totally righteous high-five, even though Legault had no idea what Matthew had just said.

----------

Eliwood slouched in his throne, Hector beside him.

"I'm BORED," Hector whined. "When do we get to DO something?"

Eliwood shrugged. Suddenly Della burst through the doors of the throne room. She dove across the room and hugged Eliwood fiercely. Della broke away and looked apologetically at Hector, who was sitting in the seat next to Eliwood, forgotten.

"Sorry Hector," she said, "I would hug you too, but the last time I tried you knocked me ten feet into the air." She cocked her head. "Actually, that was kind of fun, except for the horrible pain at the end."

"Do we get to be in the story now?" Hector asked eagerly.

"Yeah!" Della cried. "Okay, here's the deal, Nergal's captured Ninian again, and you two have to—"

"Wait…" said Eliwood, pulling out a script and leafing through it. "That does sound like fun, but…shouldn't you be with Kent right now?"

Della's eyes widened. "Oh crap!" she wailed. "SORRY, LOWEN!" Suddenly she disappeared and reappeared on the back of Kent's horse again.

----------

Kent gave a start. "Where were you? You were there, and then you were gone, and now you're back! Have you been bugging Lord Pent to teach you magic again?"

"No, no, I just forgot the plot." Della counted on her fingers. "The plot, the setting, the current characters, and all the laws of space, time, and physics."

"Space, time, and physics…?"

Della shrugged. "Don't worry about it. These are only things that tacticians know about. Like the slang I use. Or that electric guitar I gave Matthew."

"You WHAT?"

Della grinned. "Long story. Actually…" she flipped through her script. "Short story, so far. But it'll get longer."

Kent turned around in the saddle to look at her. "What's the script for? What the heck is going on?"

"Honestly, I have no idea," said Della, shrugging. "Maybe I'll figure it out as we go along. But we have to go save Lowen first! Charge, Sir Kent!"

Kent shook his head, exasperated. NOW she decided to be a tactician. Good timing.

----------

"Stupid Erk," Serra muttered, cleaning up the chessboard. "Pawns CAN TOO move backwards! Because I say they can! And kings can teleport to safe spots all the way across the board when they're in a checkmate, EVERYONE knows that! Erk doesn't know what he's talking about." She continued to mutter and complain as she put away the last piece…it was really a knight, but she called it a "widdle horsie".

Suddenly a shadow fell across the door. Serra turned to look at who was standing there.

It was Jaffar.

"H'lo, Jaffar!" Serra called cheerily. "Are you here to play chess with me? I'd better warn you first—I'm good!"

Jaffar stared at her, his eyes gleaming. His hand tightened on the shining knife he held at his side. As she watched him, his lips slowly spread into a genuine smile.

Serra gulped. Genuine smiles from Jaffar were NEVER good.

Suddenly Jaffar lunged for her, brandishing his knife. His speed was incredible—the speed of a warrior, the speed of a villain, the speed of a guy who really, really likes to kill things. But Serra had another kind of speed—the speed of a hyper-active prep. (Which is NEVER to be underestimated!) She dodged Jaffar's attack, and the assassin had to stop himself before he smashed into the wall. Serra took advantage of this one second to escape. Jaffar was closer to the door, so…

So she jumped out the window. She screamed as she fell, making a couple windows shatter on her way down.

----------

"What?" Erk sat up, moaning and rubbing his head. "What happened?" He blinked in the sunshine and saw Pricilla standing over him, healing light fading from her staff. She smiled.

"Good, you're okay! The Pegasus sisters have been going crazy, but Matthew told me to blame your injury on Karel…" she paused, her face worried. "Everything's been rather chaotic, actually. I don't know what's gotten into everyone! Jaffar is nowhere to be seen, and the last I heard, the Pegasus sisters were after Marcus…I'd better go see if he's okay."

Pricilla jumped back on her horse and galloped away. Erk stood, wincing at the pain in his head. He had one massive headache. Suddenly a high, piercing sound screeched through the air, cutting through Erk's brain like a knife.

"No," he wailed, "WHY!"

He would recognize that scream anywhere. Serra.

The mage sighed and ran as fast as he could to the castle. He could already see a pink-haired blur rushing towards the ground. Erk thought fast—there was no way he'd be able to catch her, she was falling too quickly. But she'd never survive a fall from that high. Erk cast a spell that made the wind blow. The wind picked up Serra and blew her into the high branches of a tree. Serra screamed louder.

"Serra!" Erk yelled, running underneath the tree. "Are you okay?"

Not that he cared.

"EWW! THERE'S A SPIDER UP HERE! EWEWEW IT'S CRAWLING TOWARDS ME! OH, THERE'RE LEAVES IN MY HAIR! ERK, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU! WHAT DID YOU DO?"

"Me! I saved your life!" Erk shouted back.

"So? Who cares about my LIFE? You ruined my HAIR! Uhg, look how messy it is! OUCH! The tree scratched me! GET ME DOWN, ERKY!"

Erk winced at the sound of his pet name. "I'll try, Serra," he called to her. "Just wait a minute; I'll go ask Lord Pent for a Fibulvetr so I can conjure up more wind." Sighing heavily, the mage turned and trudged away to help the girl who made his life a misery, as she screamed his name from above. Jaffar leaned out the window and narrowed his eyes.


	3. Chapter 3! Rampage of the Pegasi

_A/N: Howdy, y'all—it's Kender. I hope you all can actually understand this story so far…I'm actually making this up as I go along and it STILL has a plot…somehow. I would like to thank psychotalk and RiosMasquerade very, very much for bothering to review! I have found that I really love reviews, so…if you would please take a second to tell me what you think of this story, that would be awesome. Constructive criticism would be nice too, as long as you don't try to shoot me down…–ducks for cover-_

_**CHAPTER THREE—Rampage of the Pegasi**_

"Uh…sis? I…I really don't…no! Oh, dear! Marcus!" Florina squeaked in fright and covered her eyes. Fiora thumped Marcus on the head with her spear. Marcus crumpled to a heap in front of her and started to snore.

"Come on, Florina!" Fiora said, twirling her spear around. "You're scared of men, maybe if you smack one you'll get over it. Watch:" Fiora expertly hurled her spear at Raven. The spear caught his sleeve and pinned him to a tree. Farina, who was standing nearby, handed her javelin to Florina.

"There now, Florina, knock him out with the wooden end!"

Florina whimpered. "I don't WANT to knock him out!"

Farina rolled her eyes. "Come one, it's not like I'm asking you to KILL him…" she squinted. "Actually…I don't like Raven much. You can kill him if you want to."

"No!" Florina cried. "I know you two are just looking out for me, but this really is too mu—" She was cut off as Lucius came running towards them.

"Lord Raven!" he yelled. "I'll save you!"

"Lucius, you idiot, go home!" snapped Raven. "It's a bunch of wimpy girls, I can take 'em!"

"Who're you callin' wimpy!" Farina screeched, turning her lance to Raven's unprotected throat. "I think YOU'RE the one pinned to a tree!"

"Bring it on, horse-feather head!" Raven screeched back. He tried to punch her, but Lucius had grabbed his free arm and was tugging his friend away from the tree.

"That's it," Farina growled, aiming a javelin at the monk. "First I'll kill off Lucius, and then Raven is SO dead!" Florina cried out in fear.

"No, don't," said Fiora, putting her hand on her sister's javelin. "You can't hurt Lucius. We're only hurting guys, remember?"

"That was cold," Lucius said, giving them a hurt look as he tried to pull Raven away from the tree.

Suddenly Serra ran by, screaming her head off, her long pink hair flying out behind her.

Everyone was quiet.

"…What the heck was that?" Fiora asked after a minute. She didn't have to wait long for a reply—Jaffar was sprinting after Serra, an unsheathed knife in each of his hands. Running about 30 feet behind Jaffar was Erk, looking exhausted and fairly grumpy.

It was silent again.

"Hey," said Farina abruptly, "What is Erk doing awake?"

"And why hasn't Jaffar been knocked out yet?" asked Fiora. Simultaneously the sisters raised their lances, hopped onto their pegasi, and flew off after the ticked-off mage, the blood-thirsty assassin, and the screaming cleric. Florina shook her head sadly and bent down to see if Marcus was okay.

Lucius finally got Raven off of the tree. "Wow," the monk breathed, "Farina's stronger than she looks, isn't she? I bet that javelin went halfway through the trunk…"

"Shut up," Raven commanded. "She's a wimpy girl. I could take her any day! ANY DAY!" He shook his fist in the direction Farina flew off. Then he glanced around nervously and ran off in the opposite direction as fast as he could go.

"You could beat her at a running contest, that's for sure!" Lucius called, trying to make his friend feel better. It earned him another "SHUT UP, WILL YOU!" from Raven. Lucius ran after Raven, angrily muttering "only hurting guys, honestly, that was such a cruel thing to say…"

* * *

"So, how's your new band working out?" Wil asked Matthew.

Matthew glanced at his wrist, remembered he didn't have a watch, and remembered that he didn't know what a watch was.

"Well," said the thief, "we have our first practice soon."

"Where is Jaffar?" asked Legault, lounging on the window seat, bored. "He should have showed up by now. Should we be blaming Karel?"

Matthew shrugged. "Nah. Jaffar's probably just out killing Serra."

"WHAT!" Wil cried. "How could you let him do that? I know Serra is annoying, but you can't kill her!"

Matthew glanced at the archer skeptically. "And why not?"

"Because she's part of the team, she's one of us!"

"She doesn't count, she can't even fight."

"But she can heal people!"

"So can Pricilla," Matthew replied, uncaring. "Pent can use staves too. Even Erk and Lucius will be able to use them soon. So…d'you want to help us carry our band equipment on a concert night? I'll pay you 20 gold."

"Maybe," Legault muttered under his breath.

Wil shrugged and sat down. "Sure, why not."

* * *

"Look!" Della shouted, pointing to a green lump on the ground. "I think that's Sain!"

It was Sain. He was bound and gagged and on the ground, but he was conscious. Kent quickly dismounted and untied his partner.

"Thank you, Kent!" Sain cried. He noticed Della sitting up on the horse. "And Della! You look more like an angel than ever—"

"Oh no," said Della dreamily. "Eliwood's the angel…" Seeing the confused and slightly hurt look on Sain's face, Della added a "Muahahaha!"

"Fine," said the green knight, indignantly getting to his feet and dusting himself off. "I can take a hint. I guess I won't talk to you any more."

Della punched the air jubilantly. "Oh yeah!" She started to get off the horse so Sain and Kent could get on, but Kent held up his hand.

"Lady Della, you ride. I will walk."

Della rolled her eyes. "I appreciate the chivalry, Kent, but Lowen needs help. You and Sain are faster--ride up and try to take care of the Pegasus sisters. I'll catch up."

Kent obeyed, but only because it was an order. He and Sain galloped away.

"Knights," the tactitian said with a tired sigh, before sprinting after them.

* * *

"My bow is working so well," said Louise, getting another bulls-eye on her target. "The string broke a while ago, and Karel helped me fix it. It hasn't broken since."

Rath nodded. "Yes. Karel's a pretty nice guy."

* * *

Karel gave an inverted sneeze—wind was sucked into his mouth at a hundred miles an hour, and with a strangled "ooHCA!" he was knocked backwards onto the ground.

"Holy crap," he muttered as he got back to his feet, "that was weird…"

* * *

"EEEEEK!" Serra shrieked. Jaffar had cornered her against the wall of a castle. "No, don't kill me!"

"Jaffar," said Nino, who had followed them to the scene, "Are you sure you want to do this?"

Jaffar said nothing.

"But…" Nino bit her lip. "She can't fight back. It's not very honorable to kill her when she can't fight back…"

Jaffar said nothing.

Nino sighed heavily. "I KNOW you don't care what's honorable or not, but that's besides the point."

Jaffar said nothing.

"Yes, I do like waffles, but what does that have to do with Serra?"

Serra's whole face lit up a she saw a familiar purple-haired figure running towards them. "Erk! Erky! SAVE ME, ERKY!" she yelled. She turned to the assassin, grinning. "You're in for it now."

Erk finally reached the two, gasping for breath. "Serra…you…idiot…"

"Erk, I command you to save me! Use your magic! Make Jaffar burst into flames! Strike him with a thunderbolt!" She scowled as Erk used an alternative method.

"Excuse me," Erk said politely to Jaffar. "Please let her go. She's my charge. I do need to protect her, and I'll be in trouble with Lord Pent if I don't. I'll take her away and make sure she doesn't bother you again."

Before Jaffar could answer (not that he would), Erk walked over, grabbed Serra's hand, and started to walk away. Serra pouted, wishing that she had had a more heroic rescue. Suddenly Fiora swooped out of nowhere and knocked Erk out. Farina flew down and tried to get Jaffar, but Jaffar was way faster and had vaulted through a window to the safety of the castle before Farina could try again. Fiora took Serra's staff away so she couldn't heal Erk.

The Pegasus sisters smiled pleasantly and waved goodbye to Serra and Nino before taking off to find a way into the castle.


	4. Chapter 4! Cruel, Cruel Irony

_A/N: Hey, it's Kender again. Don't worry about that "feminine charm" part later in the chapter…that's an inside joke I have with a friend of mine…_

**_CHAPTER FOUR—Cruel, Cruel Irony_**

"Honestly, if Jaffar can't show up to practice, his contract is so over," said Matthew, putting on a pair of sunglasses.

Legault looked at Matthew strangely. "Did you really just say that with a British accent?"

"What British accent?" asked Matthew in a British accent.

Legault sighed and gave up. If Matthew wanted to become some big-shot British manager, so be it. Although neither of them knew what a big-shot British manager was…

Jaffar walked in the door.

"Finally!" Legault cried, jumping up. "We need to rehearse!"

"Woohoo!" Matthew cheered, losing the accent. "You get sunglasses now, Jaffar." He handed a pair of sunglasses to Jaffar.

"Hey," said Legault. "Don't I get sunglasses?"

"No you don't."

"Why not?" asked the thief, beginning to feel hurt. "I deserve sunglasses too."

"But you can't have them."

"Why!"

"Because I said so."

"That's not very fair," said Legault, folding his arms. Matthew pushed his sunglasses up the bridge of his nose.

"Nothing's fair in the Big Business, doll-face."

"Call me that again and you can be sure that those are the last words you say," Legault remarked, casually tossing a knife that whistled by Matthew's head and cut off a bit of his hair.

"MY HAIR!" Matthew cried. "Do you know how much gel I use on that a day!"

Legault was spared from finding out as Farina rushed down the hallway, her spear in front of her.

"Come back here, Jaffar!" she yelled.

"Woah…" said Legault. "You look a lot less intimidating without your flying horsie, you know that?"

Farina stopped in her tracks. "What?"

"We have to practice now. Goodbye." Legault shut the door in her face.

--

"Didja get him?" asked Fiora, running up beside her sister.

"Nope," Farina growled. "And Legault and Matthew are with him, too!" She commenced hurling herself at the door in an attempt to break it down. When that didn't work, she stabbed the door with her spear. It broke instantly. (The spear, not the door.)

"WHY!" wailed Farina. "Why do we only get to use SLIM spears?"

"Desperate times call for desperate measures," Fiora said, grinning. "Do you know what we have to resort to now?"

"Feminine charm?" Farina asked.

"No!" snapped Fiora. "Better weapons!"

"I'm liking this idea…what kind of weapons?"

Hawkeye walked passed them. Fiora plucked his gigantic axe out of his hands.

"Hey—" the beserker started to say.

"Oh, quiet," Farina ordered. She turned to her sister, excited. "Do we get to use the great big axes that are as big as we are!"

"Oh yeah!" yelled Fiora. The two ran away to find an axe for Farina.

Hawkeye stood there, staring at his empty hands in dismay.

"My axe…is…gone…" He fell to his knees, crying out "NOOOOOOOOooooooo!"

His endless "no!" echoed through the hallway.

"Yo! Dawg!" yelled Matthew, opening the door and sticking out his head. "Keep it down, homie, we're practicin' up in here!"

"Sorry," said Hawkeye. He commenced his endless "no!", although he did it quietly.

Finally Serra came along, looking fairly tired.

"Ah," she said, "it's good to see you're not knocked out. Fiora and Farina have gone crazy! Funny, no girls have been hurt so far, only men…maybe they're trying to make the world a better place for Florina. Normally I would say that was nice of them, but I have to run around healing everybody because Pricilla needed help SO I'M ACTUALLY KIND OF MAD!" Serra calmed down and giggled sweetly. "Sorry about that."

Hawkeye hadn't heard a word she said. His eyes had been fixed on her staff the whole time. He jumped to his feet and took it from her, holding it in the air like some prized relic.

"Finally!" he cried. "An item of use in battle! Although it is not an axe, it may be better for me. I am now able to atone for the deaths I have caused with this staff of healing, and shall heal until I have repaid the enemy I have slain!" The corridor behind him faded, to be replaced with an American flag and a heroic themesong.

"Uh…" said Serra skeptically. Suddenly the song ended and the flag faded back into a corridor.

"Aww…" said Hawkeye sadly. Then he smiled as he looked at the staff, and took off running.

"Hawkeye!" Serra shrieked, "Wait! I need my staff back! COME BACK HERE! HAWKEYE!"

It was too late. The beserker-gone-cleric was gone. Serra sighed and slumped against the door. It instantly splintered and broke down, sending Serra flying into the room.

--

"What is it?" Fiora asked Farina. "Why do you have your hand over your heart like that?"

"I sense a cruel, cruel irony," Farina replied.

--

"Hey Jaffar, can I see your knife?" asked Matthew. Jaffar handed it to him. Matthew nodded as he looked it over. "This is a really nice knife. Where'd you get it made?"

Jaffar actually might have answered that, but he didn't, because at that moment Serra crashed through the door.

"Hey!" yelled Matthew. "Serra, what are you doing here? And why did you break our door?"

"It was an accident!" the former cleric snapped, getting to her feet. "How was I supposed to know you were practic--EEEK!" She had spotted Jaffar. Quickly she ran over and took Jaffar's knife away from Matthew.

"Don't come any closer!" she yelled to Jaffar, brandishing the weapon. "I'm actually holding a weapon! I have a knife! I…" her eyes widened as she stared at her hand. "I have a KNIFE! HAHAHAHA, I HAVE A KNIFE!" Serra lapsed into maniacal laughter before turning and running from the room.

"Holy crap…" Matthew muttered weakly. "The cleric is now an assassin…"

"Tough luck," said Legault to Jaffar. "What are you going to do now?"

Just then Nino teleported into the room, clutching a spellbook.

"Hi guys," she chirped, "How's it going?"

Jaffar took the spellbook away from her and held it over his head as an American flag flew behind him.

"And now the assassin's a mage…" Matthew said, shaking his head in disbelief.

"Jaffar!" Nino cried. "Oh no, I need that!"

"Looks like you'll have to find another job," said Legault.

"But…but what could I be?" Nino looked at Jaffar. Jaffar said nothing. Nino smiled.

"You're right, Jaffar! I'm always wearing green, so…"

"What next?" Matthew moaned.

"So I could be a tactician!" Nino finished triumphantly.

"That next," grumbled Legault.

Matthew sighed as he got up to get a snack.

--

"What is it?" Kent asked Della. "Why do you have your hand over your heart like that?"

"I sense a cruel, cruel irony," Della replied.

* * *

Another A/N: La dee da, I'm going to talk to my reviewers now—you guys rock.

Psychotalk— about chapter one…Ephidel skipping…well, why not? Bad guys can skip too, right? RIGHT? –laughs-

About chapter three…well, thanks very much, it's nice to know I made you laugh! And trust me, inverted sneezes are funny, but painful (I've done it…)

Riosmasquerade— Don't worry, I won't quit…and I have big plans for Matthew's band…oh my gosh I just got another idea right now. Creepy! –laughs-

Draknal—about chapter one…yeah, redundancy was the point. It's just more of my odd humor. About chapter three…yeah, Della should get some archers out there to take those preppy Pegasus freaks down, but Della's busy saving Lowen…if she weren't saving Lowen, she would be bored, and we all know how dangerous THAT is. Um, just wondering…what does PWN JOO mean…?

General Subwoofer—Woohoo, you wrote me a looong one! Yes, this is really random…I can't help it. –laughs- Raven as a lead singer, hmm? –thinks about it- that would work really well, but Jaffar's definatly got a better singing voice. –falls over laughing- And YAAAY for Ephidel!

Raedyn-1—Woah…I wrote a best quote ever! –look of awe- I've always wanted to do that! And thanks for what you said about my writing skills…I've prided myself on them since I was four years old, and it's nice to know I'm not being a delusional preppy airhead. –grins-

Thanks for all the kind words, guys! I love reviews, they really make my day awesome!


	5. Chapter 5! Yet More Irony

_Another A/N: I realize that the setting is hard to imagine…mainly because I didn't SET a setting. That's because I couldn't really figure out where I wanted to set it. I guess it's just some big castle in the middle of grasslands where every character seems to be. (Original, huh?) Well, you can think up your own setting for it if you want._

_Another disclaimer—in truth, I really am a delusional airhead. I'm just a delusional airhead that pays attention to grammar. –grins-_

----------

**_CHAPTER FIVE— Yet More Irony_**

"He's DEAD," wailed Sain from Kent's horse, "By the gods, he's DEAD! Felled in his prime!"

Della rolled her eyes, finally having caught up with the knights. "Lowen is NOT dead, Sain. Look—he's breathing. And his hand just moved, see?"

"He has a pulse," Kent reported, kneeling beside Lowen's body.

"That's not a pulse!" cried Sain. "That is his blood boiling in his very veins as his ghost returns to wreck its revenge on his murderer!"

"I'll murder you if you don't stop with your dramatics," Kent muttered. Lowen opened his eyes. He sat up, moaning and rubbing his head.

"Lowen!" Sain yelled happily. He jumped off of the horse and fell to his knees. "Praise the gods! Lowen has been reincarnated!"

"He was never dead in the first place!" Della snapped, as Lowen looked wildly around.

"Who's there?" Lowen asked. "Sir Kent? Sir Sain? I hear you, but I can't see you."

"He has come back to us at a price, then!" Sain was wailing again. "He has lost his sight! He's blind! HE'S BLIND!"

Lowen screamed. "I'm blind! I'M BLIND!"

Kent rolled his eyes. "That's your hair, Lowen. Get it cut."

"…oh."

"Where's your horse?" Della asked suddenly. Even though Lowen couldn't see, he pointed upwards. A horse was flying above them.

"Pegasus!" Kent and Della screamed, dashing back for Kent's horse. Sain screamed too, but then he looked up.

_Funny, _he thought, _but the last time I checked, flying horses had wings…THEN THAT REALLY IS LOWEN'S HORSE! I have to warn the Lords! This is an amazing discovery! This is—well now, doesn't she look beautiful today._

Rebecca walked by, and Sain took all thoughts off of the horse as he went to go follow her.

----------

"I think we lost the Pegasus," said Kent.

Della nodded. "But what about Sain?"

"He can take care of himself."

"What about Lowen?"

"He's with Sain, and I'm sure his horse is nearby. Besides, how is Lowen going to become a knight if he doesn't start acting on his own?"

"Yes, you're right. But…Kent? Where did Sain's horse go?"

"It's—"Kent stopped. "Actually…that's a very good question."

"We'll figure it out later. Right now we need to stop the Pegasus Sisters. Head towards the castle!"

Kent stopped his horse. "I…can't."

"What? Why not?"

Kent frowned, worried. "I can't take orders from you anymore. Something has changed. Della…you're not the tactician anymore."

"WHAT?"

"I don't know how I know, but…I do know."

"I knew I sensed a cruel, cruel irony!" Della hung her head, feeling very sad that she wasn't a tactician anymore.

"Please don't be sad, Della…I know you think irony's funny, so…"

"It's not funny when it's happening to ME!"

The knight sighed. "I suppose not. Well, I guess you'll have to find a new job."

Della jumped off the horse and raced for the castle to find a job. When she finally got inside the castle, she found herself in a dead-silent room of bored characters who were sitting on the stone floor. She decided to join them. So she sat down and went dead-silent.

----------

Nergal sat in his room, throwing a magical ping-pong ball against the wall. Every time it hit the wall, part of the wall burned away. Nergal didn't care—his morphs would clean it up for him. He threw back his head and let out a "MUAHAHA!"

Just then, Ephidel walked in. "Hey Master…do you know where Sonia is?"

Nergal shrugged. "Nope. But while you're here…clean up the wall."

"What?" Ephidel looked at the wall in disbelief, like a five year old that's been told to clean his room. "Why do I have to do it?"

"Because I told you to."

"But I don't _wanna_!"

"I don't care!" snapped Nergal. "Clean it up!" Ephidel scowled and went to work. Nergal was quiet for a moment, then asked,

"Hey Ephidel…you know what's weird?"

"What?"

"I was just thinking…what if somehow during a grand master scheme of mine, I summon a dragon that goes out of control and burns you to a crisp in front of Eliwood and his friends before you could save yourself like I saved myself only moments before?"

Ephidel went pale—paler then he was before. He was practically translucent. Nergal laughed.

"Come on Ephidel, don't look so scared. It's not like that's going to happen."

----------

"HA! Irony!" Della yelled delightedly, jumping up in the middle of a dead-silent room of bored characters. Everybody stared at her. She grinned sheepishly and sat back down. Everything was silent again.

Silent. Silent silent silent. So silent that you could hear a pin drop. And it was that silent for a long long time. A minute of silence. Two minutes of silence.

----------

THREE minutes of silence.

----------

Della couldn't take it anymore.

"What is wrong with you people?" she cried, standing. Pent, Guy, Oswin, Wallace, Heath, Wil, Dorcas, Bartre, Dart, and Vaida just stared at her. Della sighed with disgust and walked away.

Now she was on a noble quest to find a new job. She couldn't be a general because she wasn't tall enough. She couldn't be a cavalier because she wasn't strong enough. She couldn't be an axe fighter because she wasn't stupid enough. She couldn't be a swordsmaster because she was dangerous enough with a pair of scissors and nothing to do.

Finally she decided to become a Pegasus rider. So she found herself a random Pegasus tied up next to a pineapple on a stake, and she named it Hubert. And then she found green hair dye and dyed her hair green, to remind herself that SHE was the true tactician…not anybody else.

----------

Meanwhile, Eliwood was having a nice conversation with Ninian and Nils. And of course Eliwood was being all sweet to Ninian. And Nils knew what was going on, but he's cool so he didn't say anything. And it was SOOO obvious that Ninian likes Eliwood, but she wouldn't say anything either. And Sardonic Kender Smile was having lots of fun writing short and fragmented sentences that begin with "and".

And just then Della flew past the window on Hubert.

And Eliwood totally forgot about Ninian.

And he ran to the window and stared after the Pegasus rider.

Because what did he see?

A green haired Pegasus rider.

And who is also a green-haired Pegasus rider?

Fiora.

And guess who ends up marrying Fiora eventually?

That's right—Eliwood.

So Eliwood starts chasing after Della.

And who comes up RIGHT at that moment?

Wouldn't you know—Sain does.

So much irony.

----------

_Yeah, that's it for this chapter. I'm going to talk to my reviewers now, because it's fun!_

_Psychotalk: Yes, I suppose an American flag in the last chapter made little sense, but…it just seemed to fit. Probably because I watch too many cartoons. And the Hawkeye scream is DEFINITELY a Vader thing. Woot woot!_

_Picup: Thank you! Wait…what does "pwnage" mean…? I'll update again as soon as I can. scowls dumb geometry projects aren't helping…_


	6. Chapter 6! THUS FAR!

_A/N: "Hey," says Della. "Yay, you've made it to chapter six! This is amazing!" She folds her hands pleadingly. "Now that you're here…will you please review? I really need the feedback. I'm not to proud to beg…wait, yes I am. LEGAULT! Get over here and beg!"_

_"That's Matthew's job," says Legault sourly._

_"Then get over here, Matthew!" shouts Della. She looks around. There's nobody there. "Matthew? Legault? …NERGAL? Come on, people!"_

_Hector rolls his eyes. "Just throw her a cookie and shut her up, Eliwood."_

_Eliwood sighs, takes a cookie, and tosses it to Della. She grabs it and plops down on the ground to eat it, forgetting everything she was ranting about earlier._

* * *

**_CHAPTER SIX—THUS FAR!_**

THUS FAR! (a.k.a, what happened between the last chapter and this chapter.)

So, Ephidel has finally found Sonia so he can play out his ironic and redundant Grand Master Scheme-or-other to get Limstella to leave him alone. He has just cleaned up Nergal's ping-pong ball mess, and doesn't know that Nergal has moved to footballs, so next time his cleaning job will be much harder. Anyway, to keep his master amused when he was cleaning…and to stop him from throwing ping-pong balls and making everything worse…Ephidel had told Nergal stories about the good guys and how they help old ladies cross the road and stuff. Nergal was not happy. He expressly forbade his whiney little morph from visiting the good guys. Ever. EVER. Which Ephidel did not take well…

"Waaaaaaaahhh!" Ephidel sobbed.

"SHUT UP!" Sonia yelled, slapping him in the face. Ephidel was stunned into silence for a moment. Then he began wailing again.

"WAAAAHHH!"

Sonia growled in frustration. "What is the matter with you?"

"N-nergal—said--I--can't--see--the--good--guys--any--mo-o-o-ooore!"

Sonia slapped him again. "THAT'S what this is about! Pull yourself together! Don't you get it? The good guys are BAD!"

Ephidel cocked his head. "Aren't the good guys GOOD?"

"No, they're BAD!"

"WE'RE bad! We're the BAD GUYS!"

"So? That's good for us. They're bad for us. So they're good guys, but they're bad."

"So we're bad guys…but we're good?"

"Good for us, anyway. Bad for them."

"Can you be bad for someone bad?"

"Can you be good for someone good?" Sonia countered.

"I don't know!" wailed Ephidel, starting to bawl again. "You're confusing me-e-eee!"

"I SAID SHUT UP!" Sonia screeched, slapping Ephidel a third time. Ephidel subdued into quiet hiccups. Sonia sighed tiredly.

"Ephidel, why are you even following me around?"

The morph looked nervously over his shoulder. "I thought maybe if I started hanging out with you, Limstella would leave me alone," he whispered.

Sonia slapped him again. "What is wrong with you? You are totally NOT in character. You're supposed to be mysterious and EVIL!" Sonia shook her fist at the sky. "You hear that, Sardonic Kender Smile! NOT! IN! CHARACTER!"

A great gasp was heard, coupled with the sound of someone frantically typing on a keyboard. Ephidel's eyes took on a sinister gleam.

"Finally," Sonia sighed with relief. "Honestly, I was beginning to get scared."

"Oh, the fear has only begun," Ephidel murmured, his gold eyes glinting. Sonia grinned. Ephidel was back. And he would make sure there was plenty of fear to go around…for the good guys, anyway. _The good guys that were bad, _she reminded herself.

"I believe I owe the young tactician a…visit," said Ephidel. Sonia nodded and let Ephidel slip away.

"What to do," Ephidel asked himself when Sonia was out of hearing. "Should I burn Della and her friends? Drown them? Impale them on palm trees? Or maybe…" Ephidel quickly looked around. "Maybe we could play croquet!" His eyes quickly stopped looking so evil. "Tee hee hee!" the morph laughed. He went to go find his croquet set. Being evil was absolutely out of the question.

* * *

"Legault…" Matthew moaned, covering his ears, "will you STOP doing that drum cadence? It sounds great and all…but you haven't stopped playing it for the _last four hours." _

"I…can't…stop…" Legault said, still banging on his drum set. "It is…controlling…my mind. Must…not…stop…DRUMMING! AAAH!" Legault started playing even faster.

Jaffar hit his head against the wall, exasperated.

"Della warned me this would happen…" Matthew muttered. "She said something about marching band…and a drum-line…and how percussion players never ever ever stop playing. EVER. I didn't understand her then…but I do now!"

Jaffar said nothing.

"Do you have an idea to get Legault to stop, Jaffar?"

Jaffar said nothing.

"I hope that means 'yes'! Come on—tell me! What's your idea?"

Jaffar took a piece of paper and a pencil and wrote, in huge bold letters:

**TAKE THE DRUMSET AWAY, YOU MORON.**

Somehow, Matthew totally did not see the sign. "I'm sorry, Jaffar…I don't understand what you're trying to tell me."

Jaffar kept writing.

"C'mon Jaffar! Can't you think of something?"

**TAKE THE DRUMSET AWAY.**

"You're a smart guy; surely you have an idea…"

**READ THE SIGN!**

"That's not cool, Jaffar. If you have something to tell me, why don't you let me know?"

**WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M DOING?**

"Jaffar…if you can't be a productive member of the band…"

**TAKE**

**THE**

**DRUMS**

**AWAY**

Matthew sighed heavily, still not noticing the enormous sign the assassin was holding up. "Sorry, man. I didn't mean to pressure you…it's just that Legault's been playing for FOUR HOURS, and I don't know what to do!" Matthew turned away from Jaffar. Suddenly he turned back, his whole face lighting up. "I'VE GOT IT! _We can take the drum set away_! I am such a genius!"

Jaffar stood there a moment. Then he tore his gargantuan sign into itty bitty pieces. And commenced hitting his head against the wall.

Matthew took the drum set away from Legault. Unfazed, Legault grabbed two pencils and a textbook and started drumming with those. So Matthew took _those_ away. Unfazed, Legault started beating out the rhythm on his knees. So Matthew tied Legault's hands behind his back. Unfazed, Legault tapped the rhythm with his feet on the floor.

So Matthew joined Jaffar in banging his head against the wall.

And then Matthew went to go get a snack.

* * *

"Hey! Watch where you're going!" Limstella cried. She had just bumped into Karel.

"Excuse _me_…" Karel muttered darkly. He started to walk away, but Limstella called after him.

"Wait! Have you seen Ephidel anywhere?"

"Maybe…"

"Really?"

"Maybe…"

"If I say I can blast you to smithereens, will you give me a straight answer?"

"Maybe…"

"Come on! Where did you see him last?"

"Maybe…"

"That didn't even make sense!"

"Maybe…"

"WHAT IS WITH THE MAYBES?" the morph screeched.

"It is a mysterious reply! For I am—a mysterious swordsman!" Karel struck a mysterious pose.

Limstella turned away, muttering, "freak."

Karel sneezed.

* * *

"Onward, Hubert of the Pineapple-on-a-Stake!" cried Della. She wasn't in any particular hurry, but she liked to say the words 'onward' and 'Hubert' and 'pineapple-on-a-stake', so that whole sentence was about as good as a sentence could get, in her opinion. It was good in Hubert's opinion too, because he liked to think about pineapples.

She flew high above the grounds, unaware of the fact that Eliwood was running after her and Sain was running after Eliwood.

"Come back here!" Sain yelled to the lord. "You think you can have any girl you want just 'cause your dumb sword is bigger than you are!"

"Leave Durandal out of this!" Eliwood yelled over his shoulder, as if Sain had insulted his mother instead of his weapon.

"Why should I?"

"Because I'm a lord and I said so! And because I can blame that totally out-of-character remark on hanging out with Hector too much!"

"You wanna start somethin'?"

"Bring it on!"

They both stopped running and whipped out their weapons.

"You already like Ninian, why are you chasing Della?" Sain asked angrily.

Eliwood almost dropped his precious Durandal in shock. "_Della_?"

"Yeah! Who else would be yelling to a Pegasus named Hubert?"

Eliwood looked up at Hubert and his rider. "But…I thought…I thought she was…"

"I suppose you'll have to think again!" Sain called, running after Della.

Eliwood stood there a moment, very confused. "Okay…so she's not Fiora. I'd better go back and apologize to Ninian." Somewhere far above him, he heard a voice cry,

"Hey Hubert, let's go visit the bad guys!"

The lord sighed. On second thought…he should follow Sain and Della and make sure nothing ELSE redundant, ironic, chaotic or completely random happened. (Although we all know there's no hope of THAT…)

* * *

THUS FAR! (a.k.a, what happened between Eliwood's thought process and right now this very moment.)

So, Della dropped down by Isadora who was helping Lowen to say hello to Isadora and to use Lowen to continue to play out her ironic and redundant Grand Master Scheme-or-other to get Sain to leave her alone. She was also trying to help Isadora and Lowen get Lowen's horse out of the air…somehow it was flying…but that dumb horse wouldn't obey the laws of gravity, so eventually the three gave up. Anyway, to keep the knights amused seeing as they had nothing else to do…and to keep herself amused to avoid making everything worse…Della had told Isadora stories about the bad guys and how they push old ladies into the road and stuff. Isadora was not happy. She expressly forbade her odd little tactician from visiting the bad guys. Ever. EVER.

And as Sain found them, Lowen's horse came down, so Lowen and Isadora rode away, and Sain forgot about Della completely and went to go chase after Isadora. And Eliwood found Della…who was not taking the new anti-bad-guy rules well…

"Waaaaaaaahhh!" Della sobbed.

"Calm down," Eliwood said, giving her a cookie. "I hereby present you with this cookie." Della was comforted into silence for a moment. Then she began wailing again.

"WAAAAHHH!"

Eliwood frowned in concern. "What is the matter with you?"

"I-isadora—said--I--can't--see--the--bad--guys--any--mo-o-o-ooore!"

Eliwood gave her another cookie. "I hereby present you with this cookie. So THAT'S what this is about? Oh, please calm down. Don't you get it? The bad guys aren't GOOD."

Della cocked her head. "The bad guys aren't GOOD?"

"No, they're BAD!"

"WE'RE bad! We're the GOOD GUYS!"

"That's good for us. Our goodness is only bad for them."

"So we're kind of like THEIR bad guys…but we're good?"

"Good for us, anyway. Bad for them." Eliwood repeated.

"Can you be bad for someone bad?"

"Can you be good for someone good?" Eliwood countered.

"I don't know!" wailed Della, starting to bawl again. "You're confusing me-e-eee!"

"Please calm down," Eliwood said patiently, giving Della a third cookie. "I hereby present you with this cookie." Della subdued into quiet hiccups. Eliwood sighed.

"Della, how did we end up here, anyway?"

The tactician looked nervously over her shoulder. "I thought maybe if I started hanging out with you, Sain would leave me alone," she whispered.

The Lord looked surprised. "Is it working?"

"Yes!" The tactician looked very pleased with herself.

"Then I hereby present you with this cookie," said Eliwood, handing her yet another cookie.

Della took it, but cocked her head. "How come you can't ever just GIVE anyone anything?"

"Because I am Lord Eliwood."

"So?"

He sighed. "That means I can't just give people things. I have to be polite and 'hereby present' them with things."

Della nodded, understanding. Then she started to walk away.

"Hey," yelled Eliwood, "where are you going?"

"To get a snack," Della replied.

Eliwood gave a start. "What? I just presented you with four cookies!"

Della shrugged, uncaring, and walked away.

* * *

_Woo! And thus ends chapter six. I'm so proud of myself...I finally figured out how to put lines in here to separate the scenes! YAAAY! -scowls- No...I'm NOT some ditzy retard who can't handle computers. I'm..."technologically challenged"...yes, I beleive that's the term.But I don't care, because if I WAS good with computers, I'd probably have lost all my brain cells and started using chatspeak! AAAAHHH!I DESPISE CHATSPEAK! -rants for a couple hours-Ok…I'm going to talk to my awesome reviewers now!_

**Reviews**:

**Draknal**:_Political jokes? Ah yes, I love political jokes from any party…but I'm just asking for flames if I say any. -laughs- And thanks for telling me what pwn means. I actually had the suspicion that it meant what it meant all along…you know what I mean? -laughs-. This is now my RurouniKenshin/DragonLance/FireEmblem obsessed time to say "SOJIRO, RAISTLIN, AND ELIWOOD PWN JOO ALL!"_

**General Subwoofer**: _Yes, I couldn't resist making Lowen "blind". I've always wondered how he managed to see through all that hair…why does Marcus even put up with it? And Ephidel is a good complainer…it's funny, he's not in character at all, but somehow I think whining suits him. But that's just me. And guess what? I learned what a subwoofer is during a totally random happening! Woot woot!_

**Psychotalk**: _No, no…the Pegasus was not tied to a PINEAPPLE…it was tied to a PINEAPPLE ON A STAKE, which is something completely different. –laughs!- An entire chapter with the bad guys…wow, that does sound like fun! I might do that…if their stupidity doesn't end up destroying everything…_

**RiosMasquerade**: _just plain thank you . –laughs-_

**Picup**: _So much green hair! AAAAHHHH! Hmm…well, actually I would say Lyn's hair isn't green…it's more of a turquoise…_

**RLnaruhina**: _thanks for reading! Uh…Sain-Florina fics? –shudders- Nah, I'm not going to write one of those…sorry. _

**link-mastr**: _I'm glad you though this was maniacal laugh worthy. . _

**Kemar** (Larka): _OMG I GOT A REVIEW FROM KEMAR! –laughs- You don't know how happy I was to see a review from you :-)Yes…so much delirium…but you know how I get. 0.o Thank you for reading this!_

**Nightfalcon Darkwill**: _-laughs- thank you!_

_And I would like to shout-out to Tyler—thank you, too, for reading this! You're awesome:-)_


	7. Chapter 7! The Almighty Electric Flute

_A/N: Just so you know--Della has a conversation with Matthew in Japanese. I translate it at the end of the chapter, don't worry. Other then that, I'll just rant about some normal stuff—like the electric flute. For all of those doubters out there, it DOES actually exist! HUZZAH! Oh, one more thing—I've heard that you can't respond to reviews anymore. Is that true? I hope it's not, because I find that rather fun…please, someone tell me if you know for sure._

* * *

**_CHAPTER SEVEN—The Almighty Electric Flute_**

"Okay," said Nino hesitantly. "Um…Wil…you go four squares up and fight the bandit…no, wait! Wil, stop! That's too close!"

Too late. Wil followed the new tactician's orders and got himself chopped in the head with a bandit's axe. The archer fell to the ground.

"NO!" Nino shrieked. "Erk, go heal him!"

"I can't use staves yet!" Erk snapped. He had only been brought back to consciousness an hour ago by Pricilla. The pounding headache he had made him wish she had left him knocked out.

"But Erk, you have to! Wil is hurt!"

"What part of _mages can not use staves _do you not understand?"

"Didn't I get Serra to teach you how to heal people?"

"She didn't teach me anything—she chased me around with a knife! I almost _died!"_

"Well, that's not my fault…"

"Yes it is! You're the tactician now, everything is your fault!"

"How can Della ever be BORED?" Nino moaned, rubbing her temples. "This is HARD!"

"Look," Raven said impatiently, coming up beside her. "It's very very simple. Lances best swords. Swords best axes. Axes best lances. And ARCHERS DO NOT BEST BANDITS IN CLOSE-RANGE COMBAT!"

"Great, NOW you tell me," Nino retorted, rolling her eyes. "How was I supposed to know?"

"It's your JOB!" Raven exploded. Lucius pinned the mercenary's arms behind his back before he could beat Nino to a pulp.

Erk winced at the sound of the ruckus, trying to repress the urge to strangle Nino as soon as he was done strangling the Pegasus sisters for giving him such a headache.

Suddenly Hawkeye flounced across the battlefield, singing "Tra la la la laaa!" He was the image of preppiness—his blonde hair was in a really high ponytail, he had a healing staff in one hand and a flute in the other, and he was wearing a bright pink tutu.

"SEE NO EVIL!" Lucius screamed, diving to the ground and covering his eyes.

"I know!" Raven cried, horrified. "Look at that tutu!"

"Not the tutu, however creepy it is!" exclaimed Lucius. "Just look at Hawkeye's HAIR! It's so long and blonde! That's just not right!"

Raven closed his eyes and counted to ten.

Hawkeye skipped to Wil with a hearty "Tra la laaa!" He healed Wil, then frolicked away. Everyone just stood there, paralyzed with surprise. A really buff berserker in a tutu will do that to you.

Suddenly Serra ran by, a knife in each hand, screaming "GIVE ME BACK MY STAFF, YOU &$&#(&&!"

"…What was that?" asked Nino weakly.

"I believe it was Swedish profanity," Erk answered, clutching his head.

"HEAR NO EVIL!" Lucius howled from the ground, his hands over his ears.

"Nino!" Raven yelled, "Now look what you've done! While you were distracted, the enemy advanced!"

"Wait…what enemy?" asked Nino. Raven smacked her upside the head.

An axefighter now towered over Lucius, who was still on the ground.

"So much madness!" the monk was saying. "Why won't anybody just end the madness?"

The axeman chuckled. "Tough luck, girlie."

Lucius looked up at the bandit, his eyes burning with cold rage.

"…What did you call me…?"

Before the bandit could reply, Lucius lept to his feet, screaming "I AM NOT A GIRL!" and blasted the bandit to smithereens.

"Woah," Raven whispered, awed. "Nice job, Lucius. You've got guts."

Lucius wasn't listening. He was kneeling by a charred crater in the ground, murmuring "…and I'll pray for your soul, and for your family, and for your friends…"

Raven scowled. "Typical. You actually do something cool, and then you have to ruin it by being lame."

"Speak no evil," Lucius chastised.

* * *

Jaffar was busy having fun by blowing stuff up with his new mage powers.

Matthew was busy running around, trying not to become part of Jaffar's "fun".

Legault was busy sobbing. Jaffar had blown up his drum set.

"Pull yourself together!" Matthew yelled to his fellow thief as he dodged a thunderbolt that blackened the stone floor.

"Why?" Legault was wailing. "WHY? My drum set was so young…so innocent…it didn't deserve to go!" Legault threw himself to the ground, still sobbing. "I don't want to LIVE!"

Matthew was about to slap Legault, but decided to dodge a column of flame instead. Jaffar turned his attention to the windows, blowing out every pane one by one with little static bolts.

"I didn't even get to play it at a concert!" Legault bawled.

"Perhaps it's for the best," said Matthew, putting his hand on Legault's shoulder. Suddenly Matthew jumped.

"What's this! An idea! Am I sure I am sane? I have an idea planted deep in my brain!"

"What are you now, the British gangsta cat in the hat?" Legault asked bitterly.

"Legault my dear friend, a concert, that's right! We haven't had a concert…let's have one tonight!"

"Tonight?" Legault asked, forgetting Matthew's new annoying rhyming habit. "Are we ready?"

"Of course we are!" Matthew dropped the rhymes. "Except for when Jaffar left to go kill Serra and when Farina tried to kill us and when we hired Wil to carry our stuff and when Serra broke the door and when Jaffar became a mage and started blowing up everything in sight, I'd say practice has gone very well."

"You're right! Let's have our concert tonight, then!"

"Yes. We just need to get your drum set reincarnated, first."

"My drum set!" Legault burst into tears again. Matthew dodged a mini-tornado, then went to find a re-incarnator. And a snack.

* * *

"Woah!" said Matthew. Della was in the kitchen. "I didn't know anyone else came here!"

Della put her hands on her hips. "What, I'm not allowed to eat now? Watashi wa furuto wa asobu desu, but that doesn't mean I can't EAT!"

Matthew looked at her blankly. "Watashi wa WHAT?"

Della looked at him blankly. "You mean you don't understand Japanese? That's impossible! You were created in Japan, you spoke Japanese before you spoke English!"

"Oh yeah! That's right!" Matthew pumped his fist in the air. "In that case…watashi wa cokoreto tabemasu!"

"Watashi wa Shakusupiru o gasuki desu!"

"Watashi no keki o tabewa gasuki des!"

"Watashi wa Raven kun o kerai desu!"

"Hey, me too!" Matthew gave Della a high five.

"So," Della asked, "How's the band going? Do you have a name for it yet?"

Matthew's eyes went wide. "No! We don't!"

Della jumped up and down. "Call it The Matthew's Band! No, wait—you guys can be the DAVE Matthew's Band! YEAH! BE THAT, BE THAT! BE THE DAVE MATTHEW'S BAND!"

Matthew nodded, totally not understanding why Della liked that name so much. "I like the sound of that…but…who's Dave?"

"Hubert's second cousin," Della replied promptly.

"…who is Hubert…?"

He didn't get an answer. Della was skipping away, singing the Fraggle song.

"So…much…Jim Henson!" Matthew moaned, slamming his head against the refrigerator door. "What's next? Walt Disney?"

Della's voice carried over to him. "Who's the leader of the club that's made for you and me? M-I-C! K-E-Y! M-O-U-S-E!"

Matthew continued slamming his head on the refrigerator. Then he remembered to get a snack. And then promptly forgot to eat it due to brain cell damage. Tsk tsk tsk, you silly thief.

* * *

"GAH!" Sain yelled. "WHERE IS MY HORSE?"

"Don't look at me," Kent responded. "I have no idea."

"Don't be all grumpy with me just because you're jealous."

"What are you talking about?"

"Isadora likes me, and you know it."

"Oh yes," Kent said dryly. "She knocked you flat and then almost chopped your head off with her sword before I intervened. Of course she likes you, Sain."

Sain glared at his partner. "Just help me find my horse, okay?"

"Look Sain, we're not going to find it. _You _need to get back on duty, and _I _need to find out what's going on with all this job switching."

"What's the point of going on duty without my horse? What, do you just expect me to run down the bandits in my armor and everything?"

Kent paused. "……Yeah, pretty much." He jumped on his horse and galloped away, leaving Sain alone.

"Great," the green knight muttered darkly. "It's all your fault, Karel."

* * *

Matthew wasn't happy. He hadn't been able to find a reincarnator OR a new drum set. So he decided to steal Nil's flute instead. He slipped into the room, stole Nil's flute—behind the boy's back, no less…mad skill!—and was out before you could say "HolycrapNilsMatthewjuststoleyourflute!"

Matthew was just racing back to Legault, when he tripped over a cord attached to an amp. Matthew looked at the flute. Matthew looked at the amp. Matthew looked at the spatula stuck to the ceiling (how the heck did that get up there?). And then Matthew got a brilliant idea.

"If I attach the clip at the end of this cord to the flute and plug it into the amp, that will make…AN ELECTRIC FLUTE! THAT IS SO WICKED TIGHT!" Matthew grabbed all the stuff and raced back to the practice room.

* * *

"Flutes suck," said Heath.

Della bristled. "HOW DARE YOU! Flutes are the coolest instruments ever!"

"They're lame."

"Are not!"

"Are too."

"Are not!"

"Are too."

And this went on for a while, until the part of Della that was paying attention in biology told her that she needed some evidence to back her theory.

"Flutes are SO awesome," she said. "Because they're all shiny!"

"So? All they do is go high and squeaky."

"But there's an alto flute! And a bass flute! Have you ever seen one of those? It's ultra-cool!"

"Sounds stupid to me. A cool instrument is…I don't know…an electric guitar, say."

"There's an electric flute, though!"

Heath snorted. "Yeah, right."

"There is! I swear!"

Suddenly Matthew ran by, carrying all the stuff.

"HUZZAH!" Della yelled. "And they said it couldn't be done! This deserves another cookie—where did Eliwood go? C'mon, Hubert, let's go find him."

She flew away, leaving Heath to marvel at the wonderfulness that is the flute. Because flutes ARE the best. Yes, they totally are. You're wrong—they're the BEST! THE BEST, I say! I'm not listening to you, lalalalalaaaaaaa!

* * *

"AXES!" Farina yelled happily. "YAAAY!"

"Um…sister…I don't…I can't…!"

"Don't be a baby, Florina," snapped Fiora, handing Florina a huge double-bladed, serrated edge battle axe.

Florina promptly dropped it. "It's _heavy!_" she complained.

"So?" asked Farina, hefting her axe—which was as big as she was—over her shoulder. "Would you rather go on a killing rampage or chicken out and give the axe back to Dart?"

"You stole from Dart AND Hawkeye?" Florina shrieked, appalled with such behavior.

Farina shrugged. "Yeah. Bartre's axe went to me, Hawkeye's axe went to Fiora, Dart's axe went to you, and Dorcas…"

Farina and Fiora looked at each other and screamed, "DORCAS!"

"We haven't knocked him out yet!" cried Fiora.

"Let's do it now!" Farina yelled back. "C'mon Florina, pick up that axe and let's go knock out some guys!"

"Sisters!" Florina's voice was unusually firm. Too bad her chin quivered and ruined the effect. "Sisters, why are you doing this? Why are you beating up all of the men?"

Farina twitched. "We…were supposed to be beating up everyone," she said in a forced voice, "…but…we thought of you…and…" the Pegasus rider twitched again.

Fiora slapped her. "You're ruining everything! Snap into it! We have to get Dorcas!" The two hopped onto their Pegasi and flew away.

Florina stood there, very confused. Snap _into _it? What was that supposed to mean? And what on Elibe gave them the idea that they were supposed to beat everyone up?

"Hey, Florina!" said Matthew cheerfully as he walked by with the electric flute stuff. "Our concert's tonight, spread the word to everyone, okay?"

"EEK!" cried Florina, running away to go hide behind Lyn.

* * *

_A/N: Okay, what Della and Matthew are saying: Matthew walks into the kitchen and is surprised that Della is there. Della says "What, I can't eat? I play the flute, but that doesn't mean I can't eat!" (The flute players I know—except for me—are all blonde and anorexic.) So then when the two start shooting back and forth in Japanese, they're really just saying: "I eat chocolate!" "I love Shakespeare!" "I like to eat cake!" and then finally Della says "I don't like Raven!" and Matthew says "Hey, me too!" __There, I hope that wasn't too confusing!_

_Woohoo! On another note, I couldn't resist putting the Dave Matthews band in there. Hopefully I can fit the concert into the next chapter or two. (Sorry this took so long to post, I had a lot to do. The next chapter will probably take a while to write too, although hopefully not as much of a while as this one did!)_


	8. Chapter 8! Frilly Jimbob Sampson Ghee

_A/N: Hello again, y'all! I want to acknowledge Fire Hippo (Nils is SO cool, I'll have you know), Jenvaati (I'm glad you caught my joke with Lucius and Hawkeye and the long blond hair), Picup, Psychotic Coconut (Piccolos ROCK!), RLnaruhina, and General Subwoofer (THE BAND GEEKS SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH!).Thanks for reviewing! You all made me smile, and I really am grateful for it!_

_**CHAPTER 8—Frilly Jimbob Sampson Ghee**_

"Stupid Lord," Della grumped, sliding off of Hubert. "He's never around when you need a good cookie."

Hubert whickered.

Della sighed. "Yeah, you're right, he's probably with Ninian again. I bet Nils is getting tired of all that mushy stuff. Maybe I'll go find him and save him. We can go bug Heath and show him what woodwinds are REALLY made of…OHMIGOSH, Crei!"

The tactician-gone-pegasus knight raced off to a tree and threw her arms around it. "I've missed you, Crei! I'm so sorry, I've been forgetting to visit!" She whirled around and shot Hubert a glare. "Yes, I AM talking to a tree. You have a problem with that? I talk to you too, Sir Hubert of the Pinapple on a Stake."

Hubert pawed the ground apologetically as Della began chatting animatedly with…a tree. Every once in a while she would pause, as if the tree was talking back, and nod and smile before talking again.

And then Canas walked by. "I say, whatever are you doing, young tactician?"

"Just call me by my name," Della told him. "You're too cool to be so formal."

Canas looked a bit taken back. "What is this…'cool' you speak of?"

"Come on, Canas! You are SO cool! Not only do you have purple hair AND purple eyes…but YOU'VE GOT A MONOCLE! That is the coolest thing ever!"

"Er…" said Canas, not quite sure how to respond to that.

"What's that, Crei?" Della asked the tree. "Oh, I'm sorry, I never introduced you! Canas, this is Crei. Crei, this is Canas."

"Are you introducing me to a tree?" Canas asked, intrigued rather than skeptical. Della liked that—most people thought she was crazy when she introduced them to Crei.

"I sure am! Crei is my very best tree friend."

"Cree?"

"No, Crei."

"Isn't that what I said?"

"Yeah, but I can tell you're spelling it wrong."

"What?"

"Forget it. Say hi to Crei!"

"Um…Greetings?" said Canas hesitantly. The wind made Crei's branches bob up and down, so it looked like Crei was patting Canas' head.

"Aw," Della gushed, "he likes you!"

"Egad!" Canas cried. "Intriguing!" He instantly went to work studying the tree.

"Mages," Della muttered, rolling her eyes. "Can't they just accept that trees can talk, or do they have to study EVERYTHING?"

Hubert tossed his head.

"You're right, Hubert! We have to go save Nils from Eliwood and Ninian's sappy support conversations!" She hopped on to Hubert's back, and the two flew away.

-----

Okay, so the two TRIED to fly away. They kind of crashed into Heath in midair. Della ended up on a wyvern and Heath ended up on Hubert. Then Heath decided he'd prefer death to girliness and promptly hurled himself off of the Pegasus. Luckily he was only six feet off of the ground by that point.

-----

"Sain…what the heck are you doing?" Kent asked skeptically.

"Celebrating! I finally found my horse!" Sain stood up in the saddle and started breakdancing.

"Where was it?"

"You'll never believe it—Ninian ate him! And then she spat him back up!"

"WHAT?"

Kent didn't get details. Sain was too busy spinning around on his head. Halfway through the spin he fell off of the horse.

"Sain!" Kent cried. "Are you alright?"

"Let's race!" said Sain, not the least bit daunted by the fact that he had just slammed into the ground. He picked himself up as if nothing had happened. "Come on, come on, let's have a horse race!"

"Just you and me?"

"No, let's do all the horses!"

Suddenly Marcus, Lowen, Isadora, and Rath popped up out of nowhere.

"Okayreadysetgo!" yelled Sain, as everyone except for Kent galloped away.

"Woah…" the red knight muttered, spurring on his horse, "No more coffee for you, Sain…"

-----

The horses conveniently decided to end their race right where Heath and Della landed.

"I WIN!" yelled Sain.

"Did not!" Isadora scowled. "Rath won, didn't you see him pass you?"

"That doesn't count." Sain struck a dramatic pose, trying to make himself look psychic. "Rath's got freaky Sacaen powers, man."

"Technically, Heath and Della won," Kent pointed out. "They were here before all of us."

"Are you okay?" Della asked Heath, gliding down and jumping off of his wyvern.

"I'm…tainted…" Heath choked out, staring at his hands.

"What's wrong with you?" The tactician-gone-pegasus knight jumped, struck with a sudden idea. "Has your near death experience traumatized you? Do you see blood on your hands?"

"No…blood is what I usually see. Now I see…feathers! AAAH, IT BURNS!" Heath fell to his knees.

"Oh, please," Della snorted. "Pegasus riders aren't THAT girly! And guys can ride Pegasi too, you know!"

Heath wasn't listening.

Hubert rolled his eyes.

"Good idea, Hubert. D'you think Crei would be willing to smack some sense into this dude?"

Heath stood up. "Wait a minute. Who is Crei?"

"He's my very best tree friend!" Della gushed.

"WHAT?"

"He's my very best—"

"No, no, I understood you the first time." Heath shook his head to clear it. "Let me get this straight. You_ named_…a _tree."_

"I did not!" Della bristled. "He named himself!"

"So…he _talks _to you."

"Of course!"

Heath snorted. "Yeah, sure. Let me guess…the horses talk to you, too?"

"Yes!" Della chirped, nodding emphatically.

Heath just stared at her, exasperated. Della ranted on.

"Trees usually have very long names, but I personally like horse names. They're simple, but capture so much into one little word…"

"Hey!" Sain piped up, interested. "What's my horse's name?"

"Maiden."

"Really? No way!"

"Go figure," Della muttered, rolling her eyes. "Oh, and Kent—your horse is Chivalry."

"Go figure," Kent echoed, although he smiled.

"What's mine?" asked Lowen.

"His name is Manson."

"Manson? I don't get it…"

Della ignored him. "Marcus, yours is Vet. Rath, yours is WindRunner. Isadora, yours is Alanna."

Heath's curiosity got the better of him. "Do the wyverns tell you their names…?"

"If they feel like it," Della said, shrugging.

"Then…what's mine named?"

Della walked to Heath's wyvern and looked it in the eye, as if listening intently. Satisfied, she turned around to Heath.

"He says his name is Frilly Jimbob Sampson Ghee the Shrimp King of Seven Different Countries."

Heath shook his head slowly. "Della. You…are…so…weird."

"It's not me!" the tactician exclaimed. "It's your wyvern!"

"Yeah, like my wicked tight and manly wyvern is named Frilly whatsamawhoo the Shrimp King."

"Frilly Jimbob Sampson Ghee," Della corrected. Suddenly her eyes widened. "Bandits approach!" She was just about to leap into action when she remembered something annoyingly important.

"I'm not the tactician anymore," she muttered. "Right." She looked around, curious. "But if I'm not…who is?"

"Nino," Kent reported.

Della smacked her forehead. "Great. Nino doesn't know how to be a tactician! She's just a kid!"

Kent didn't bother trying to tell Della that she was younger than Nino, because Nino, Wil, Erk, Lucius, and Raven were all running towards them.

"Bandits are over there," Sain reported to Nino, pointing. Nino shrieked.

"Eek! Somebody call the tactician!"

"You ARE the tactician!" Raven snapped.

Nino stomped her foot. "But I don't want to be any more!"

"Great, now I have my job back," Della said quickly. "Nino…uh…here." She handed Nino Hubert's reins. "Come on Hubert, don't look at me like that. This is only until we can get Nino's job back, then you can travel with me again. Okay--Marcus and Kent, draw your swords and charge! Sain, back up the vanguards! Rath, to the rear with your longbow! Heath—go to the mountains and stay there to ambush bandit reinforcements! To me, Lowen!"

She jumped up behind Lowen on his horse, and the two rode into the fray.

Heath stared helplessly at his wyverns. "How did SHE become my tactician?" he asked bleakly.

Frilly Jimbob Sampson Ghee just lifted Heath onto his back and flapped towards the mountains, making a strange wicked tight and manly wyvern noise that might have been a laugh.

-----

"Okay, this isn't good," said Kent. About fifteen more bandits had popped up out of nowhere. "We're definitely outnumbered."

Marcus nodded gravely. "Let's just fight."

"Fight? Is that your answer for every problem?"

Marcus nodded gravely. "You bet."

Kent sighed and drew his sword. "I suppose that's all we can do now…..AHH!" Kent almost dropped his sword in shock as Pent and Louise suddenly appeared right in front of him.

"Teleporting is fun!" Louise gushed. "Can you teleport us somewhere else?"

"Of course!" Pent cried. "I shall whoosh us…into a duck pond!" The sage looked around. "Well…maybe I'll do that later. I think we're needed to fight, now."

Louise nodded as Pent punched the air in triumph.

"Yes!" he yelled. "I've been wanting to blow stuff up all day!" Without further ado, he whipped out an Excalibur and wiped the battlefield clean of bandits.

"Well, that was fast," said Sain, getting ready to leave. Suddenly twenty more bandits popped up—plus a bunch of soldiers and mercenaries and one annoying little archer twit waaaaay in the back with a ballista.

"Okay, never mind," Sain sighed.

"Not good," Erk muttered nervously. "This is not good at all."

"What are you worried about?" Pent asked jovially, clapping a hand on his student's shoulder. "Look at all the enemies we get to blow up!"

Della heard that, and added a sinister "MUAHAHAHA!"

"Not good," Erk continued to mutter. "Oh, this is definitely not good…"

The enemies advanced, and things did not look good for everybody…and then, all of a sudden, the enemies froze. Looks of terror crossed their faces before they turned and fled as one.

Very slowly, the good guys turned around to face whatever had scared off the bad guys. Very slowly, they all froze with shock. Everything was very quiet. And then Lucius screamed,

"YOU SEE? EVIL! EEEVIIILLLL!"

Hawkeye stood there in his hot-pink tutu, brandishing his cleric staff as an American flag flew out behind him, bellowing out a sappy love song at the top of his lungs.

"That…is…the…scariest…thing…I…have…ever…seen," Kent managed to choke out.

Sain attempted a weak smile. "Well…at least he's on our side, right?"

Marcus shook his head gravely. "No way. If a pansy like that is on this side, then I'd rather join the enemy."

Pent shook his head. "Tsk, tsk, Hawkeye, how could you! Surely you of all people know how dangerous switching roles can be!" Wil glared at Nino for leading him right into the path of a bandit's axe. Erk scowled as he thought of Serra with a dagger. Nino sulked, remembering that Jaffar still had her magic books. Heath made a face at Della, sincerely wishing he would never have to ride a girly Pegasus ever again.

Pent marched right over to yank the staff away from Hawkeye and give the beserker-gone-cleric-gone-beserker a Good Stern Reprimanding.

"Okay," Kent said tiredly. "Now what?"

Della's whole face lit up. "Time to go see…the DAVE MATTHEWS BAND!" She turned and ran.

"A concert?" Sain cried. "I'll be your date!"

"Raven, kill Sain for me!" came the reply.

"Fine," said Sain, uneasily eyeing the mercenary. His gaze turned to Isadora. "Isadora! Have I ever told you how beautiful you look when you're…really angry with me?"

"Not. A. Chance," she said icily, her hand going straight to her sword hilt.

"Come on, Sain," Kent interjected hurriedly. "I'll race you to the concert—okay, go!" Kent galloped away.

"Has Kent been stealing my coffee?" Sain muttered, before following.

_I couldn't resist naming the horses…I've always wanted to do that. I actually have reasons behind the names (gasp!). Marcus' is Vet, short for veteran, because that's what Marcus is. Then Maiden and Chivalry just suited Sain and Kent the best. Rath's is Windrunner, mainly because that just sounded like a good name for a Sacaen horse. Isadora's is Alanna because Alanna is the name of the lady knight in the awesome Song of the Lioness quartet by Tamora Peirce, and Lowen's is Manson because in band we were playing a song called "The Hymnsong of Lowen Manson." Go figure. _

_If anyone out there knows of a certain awesome book character named Tasslehoff Burrfoot, then they might understand where I got that "whoosh into a duck pond" quote…_

_And for all those who don't know…Crei the tree actually does exist. I absolutely had to put him in here! He IS my very best tree friend, and I get wonderful advice from him when I have a problem. If you haven't gotten advice from a tree, then you should start, because they are incredibly smart. (No, I am NOT a crazy hippy. The trees talk back to me. They'll talk to you, too, if you can earn their respect. And if you can't hear them…maybe it's because you're not listening hard enough…)_


	9. Chapter 9! Satellite

_A/N: Konnichiwa again! And now, the moment you've all been waiting for…the CONCERT OF THE DAVE MATTHEW'S BAND! --trumpets start playing- -Della and Nils rush in and murder all the trumpet players, because flutes are waaaay better…- -silence ensues as the two laugh kind of sheepishly and edge away.-_

* * *

_**CHAPTER NINE—Satellite**_

"I'll…ow! Save you…ow! Nils…OW!" Della cried, ramming herself against the door. Hubert wandered up.

"Hubert!" Della cried. "I thought you were with Nino! She was a bad rider? Oh well. Not you get to come help me save Nils!" The tactician commenced ramming herself against the door. Hubert rolled his eyes. Della glared at him.

"Yeah, the door's unlocked. But why would I just want to open the door when I could be really cool and knock it down?"

Hubert gave a kind of horsey sigh and galloped into the door, sending it flying off of its' hinges.

"I'll save you, Nils!" Della cried as she and Hubert burst into the room. Eliwood and Ninian looked startled as Nils dove for Della.

"Thank you!" the dragon-boy wailed. "They were being so nice to each other…I couldn't STAND it!"

"Get on the Pegasus," Della ordered. "We are OUT of here."

Nils got down on his knees and openly thanked some unknown dragon god before climbing onto Hubert.

"So," he asked, "where are we going?"

"To a concert! Do you want to go?"

"Yeah!"

Hubert flew threw the window, sending shards of glass flying everywhere. Eliwood heroically dived in front of Ninian to protect her—too bad they were safely on the other side of the room, out of the line of fire. He just ended up slamming into a stone floor. That's where chivalry gets you these days. Sigh.

* * *

When Della, Nils, and Hubert arrived at the concert, they saw that there was already a crowd gathering. A wooden stage had been set up underneath Crei, and Wil was loading amps onto it as Legault stood behind him with a whip, yelling "Faster, slave!"

"But I'm getting paid!" Wil protested, setting down the heavy equipment. "Slaves don't get paid!"

"Faster, slave!" Legault yelled, ignoring that bit of truth.

"Power hungry much?" Wil muttered.

"Power HUNGRY?" Legault laughed. "No way! I have the strongest power in Lycia! THE ELECTRIC FLUTE!"

"Okaaaay…" said Wil under his breath. "I blame you, Karel."

There were no more job switches, Della and Nils realized happily as they surveyed the crowd. Would everything be semi-medium-moderately normal now?

Della looked around, finding couples everywhere. Dorcas was there with his arm around Natalie. Poor Erk was in the process of being torn in two, with Pricilla yanking one of his arms and Serra yanking the other. Pent and Louise were dancing. Eliwood was holding Ninian's hand. Sain was chasing after every girl in sight. Lyn was with Rath, and Kent was sitting under Crei with his head down, dejected.

"No no no," Della muttered, whipping her gameboy out of her pocket and pressing all of the buttons at once. The world flashed.

Della looked around, finding couples everywhere. Dorcas was there with his arm around Natalie. Poor Erk was in the process of being torn in two, with Pricilla yanking one of his arms and Serra yanking the other. Pent and Louise were dancing. Eliwood was holding Ninian's hand. Sain was chasing after every girl in sight. Lyn was with _Kent_, and _Rath_ was sitting under Crei with his head down, dejected.

"Much better. Muahahaha!"

"Did the world just flash?" Nils asked dizzily.

"No," Della answered quickly, hiding her gameboy behind her back.

* * *

"Alright!" Matthew yelled into the microphone. "Is everybody ready?"

The crowd cheered, so Matthew started playing his guitar, Legault started jamming on the electric flute, and Jaffar stood very still and didn't say anything.

"Wow…" Wallace whispered. "Those are some crazy dance moves. I wish I could dance like that…"

"I wish I could SING like that," said Oswin.

"Doesn't he have the most beautiful voice?" gushed Nino.

"It touches me right here," Lowen said, putting a hand over his heart. Suddenly he jumped. "General Marcus…are you CRYING?"

"Only real men cry!" Marcus snapped, wiping away a tear. "Remember that, son!"

"Sir, yes sir!"

"I say," Canas said, high up in the branches of Crei. "Is that Jaffar down there? Wonderful, old chap!" He started polishing his monocle on his sleeve.

* * *

An hour later into the concert, Matthew decided to dance around playing the guitar with his eyes closed and bumped into Legault. The electric flute flew out of Legault's hands.

"NOOOOOOoooooo!" Legault cried, running in slow motion to catch the flute. Unfortunatly…the flute didn't fall in slow motion. It landed on the ground and all the keys bent—making it unplayable. Legault started sobbing.

Suddenly the broken flute sparkled and disappeared. The air shimmered, and a drumset appeared on the stage.

"How…?" Legault whispered.

"Reincarnation!" Matthew cheered. "Oh yeah! Would you believe it—out of all the flutes, I found one that was a Hindu!"

No one had time to question how a flute could be Hindu, because Legault seized the drumsticks and the band started rockin' out.

* * *

"No," said Heath grumpily to his wyvern, in the outskirts of the crowd. "I absolutely REFUSE to call you Frilly Jimbob Sampson Ghee the Shrimp King of Seven Different Countries. You need a wicked tight and manly name!"

Frilly Jimbob Sampson Ghee used a talon to write the word "Vaida" in the dirt.

"So what?" Heath asked. "Vaida doesn't really count as a girl."

"Mean," wrote Frilly Jimbob Sampson Ghee.

Heath folded his arms. "I don't care. You need a wicked tight and manly name, because I am wicked tight and manly—EEEEK!"

Heath gave a rather un-wickedtightandmanly high-pitched squeal of terror as Ephidel appeared on the stage, carrying a croquet set.

"Hi, everybody!" said the morph. "I was wondering if anyone wanted to play croquet with me?" He realized he was standing on a stage, and everyone had gone silent.

"Oh!" Ephidel cried, flustered. He turned around to face Matthew, Legault, and Jaffar. "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to kill your show!"

Everything was quiet for a moment.

"……………………..EEEVVVIIILLL!" screeched Lucius, pointing at Ephidel.

"It's a morph, and he said 'kill'!" called Raven, drawing his sword. "That's a threat right there!"

"Die!" yelled Hector, rushing to strangle Ephidel.

"No!" Della screamed. "It's only croquet!"

"CROQUET!" bellowed Wallace. "The most evil of all lawn sports!"

"…Isn't that the only lawn sport?" asked Oswin.

"No! There is badminton, which happens to be immensely entertaining! But Croquet is almost as evil as Mini-golf!"

Oswin gasped, shocked. "No! Surely not Mini-golf!"

"I'm afraid so, my friend," said Wallace grimly.

Everybody rushed to attack Ephidel, who screamed and teleported himself into Crei.

"I say, old chap," said a rather surprised Canas, "You have golden eyes, did you know that?"

"Yeah," said Ephidel glumly. "It's a morph thing."

"Is that a morph thing as well?" Canas asked, pointing to the angry mob of good guys who were attempting to climb Crei with torches and pitchforks.

"Yup." Ephidel sank his chin into his hand and sulked.

"Leave him alone!" Della cried. "It's just croquet! Yeah, so we all hate that game, but he doesn't know any better!"

The mob didn't listen. The wind picked up and Crei shook violently, knocking the angry mob of good guys off.

"You see?" Della scolded. "Crei doesn't like you guys!"

"Aw man!" Matthew wailed. "The concert is ruined! This is a disaster!"

Jaffar merely sighed and stared off into the distance in a melancholy fashion.

"Wait…" said Legault suddenly. "Jaffar, do you know something?"

Jaffar actually nodded.

"He acknowledged me!" Legault exclaimed. "He must know something important! What is it, Jaffar?"

"Say something!" cried Matthew. "Anything!"

Jaffar didn't speak, but he tensed, as if sensing something. No one on the stage spoke as they waited for something to happen. Then Jaffar opened his mouth.

"…………My spidey sense is tingling!"

Before Matthew or Legault could react, Jaffar had grabbed them both and vaulted into Crei. Less than a second later, the stage blew up beneath them.

"…Wow," said Legault weakly.

Matthew looked disturbed. "Out of all the things he could have said…"

"I'd advise you not to worry about it," said Canas. "It seems that we have bigger problems..."

The two thieves and the assassin looked down. Karel was standing on a heap of charred rubble that used to be the stage, holding a strange-looking staff.

"Blast!" said the swordsmaster. "I had hoped to kill you three off with that explosion…and it seems as if using the berserker staff on the Pegasus Sisters didn't hurt anyone much at all."

"No way!" Della exclaimed. "It really IS Karel's fault!"

"Woah…" whispered Matthew. "Go figure!"

"Oh, but you shall soon see!" Karel cried. "Now is the time for my revenge!"

And then he started what all good villains start—

A monologue.

"Now I shall have revenge upon all of you that were stronger than me because you were found so early in the game! Why was it my fate to be found on such a late level? You all shunned me for it—shunned me for being mysterious! But now the time of vengeance is near! I obtained this berserker staff, and used it to make the eldest Pegasus Sisters hurt their own teammates!" Karel scowled. "Unfortunatly they thought of Florina even under madness, and so would only hurt men. But now you all are surrounded with a full army of bad guys, and we shall strike at my command! MUAHAHAHAHA!"

"Hey!" shrieked Ephidel and Della at the same time. "That's MY evil laugh!"

"My army!" yelled Karel. "Attack at the count of three! One! Two! T—"

"HYAAAAH!" yelled Pricilla, fiercely jumping onto the stage and viciously whacking Karel in the head with her staff. Karel slumped to the ground, unconscious.

"That's for knocking out my Erky," said Pricilla, dusting off her hands. "Oh dear…I seemed to have hit Karel so hard that I cracked my staff."

Everyone around her shivered a bit and slowly backed away.

"Is there really an army around us?" Canas whispered to Ephidel. The morph peered out into the darkness.

"Yes, but they're retreating. You know what happens when you get rid of a leader. You get to watch the troops go through the various stages of disbelief, fear, and panic…you know how it is."

"Erm…of course…" said Canas slowly.

"We're locking this nutcase up," said Marcus gruffly, going to Karel.

Fiora and Farina swooped down suddenly.

"We're so sorry!" Fiora cried.

"Well…not really," admitted Farina. "I mean, not about knocking everyone out. That was lots of fun."

Fiora elbowed her sister. "Farina! How could you say that?"

Farina shrugged and pulled Florina onto the stage. "Come on, Florina…we'll make it up to you. We'll buy you ice cream!"

Florina squealed happily, because ice cream solves everything for preppy girls.

"Come on, then, Macho-Man!" Fiora summoned her Pegasus.

Heath froze. "Wait a minute. Your Pegasus is named Macho-man?"

"Yeah," Fiora said, clucking her tongue in disgust. "These Pegasi have the ungirliest names ever! Mine is Macho-Man the Powerful, Farina's is Flaming-Racecar the Fast, and Florina's is Mysterious-X the Wicked Tight and Manly. Ta-ta for now!"

The Pegasus riders flew away.

Heath closed his eyes and did not move for a long time.

* * *

"…..So…." said Matthew slowly, eyeing Ephidel warily. "…you staying for the concert?"

"If I can," answered Ephidel, smiling with excitement.

"Only if you pay," Legault told him.

"Hey!" said Matthew. "Nobody else had to pa—oomph!"

Legault clapped his hand over Matthew's mouth, smiling pleasantly and holding out his other hand. "So, Ephidel?"

Ephidel reached into the pockets of his ultra-cool black robe. "Um…I've got some lint and a quarter."

"Gimme the quarter," commanded Legault. Sadly, Ephidel dropped it into the theif's hand.

"Alrighty then!" Legault cried as he, Matthew, and Jaffar jumped out of the tree. "Let's get on with the concert!" He surveyed the pile of rubble that used to be their stage. "Say, Eliwood…would you mind doing that lordly thing you do…?"

"Oh, you mean this?" Eliwood held a hand out over the ruins and cleared his throat. "I hereby proclaim this pile of rubble to be a stage, in the Name of Pherae!"

"Woohoo!" yelled Matthew, grabbing his guitar and jumping onto the pile. "That's good enough for me! This is the best concert in the country!"

"In the _world,_" Legault corrected.

Jaffar was silent.

"You said it, Jaffar!" chorused the thieves. Then the two started jamming on their instruments again.

Nino smiled and wiped a tear away. "How sweet…they're finally connecting!"

* * *

Hector slipped behind Della, muttering, "Dance with Eliwood…"

Della turned around to face him, now sufficiently ticked off. "How many times have I had to tell you this in the last hour? _I do not like Eliwood! _I was only saying I was as part of my redundant yet clever Grand Master Scheme to get Sain to leave me alone! It was all an act!"

"Then you'll dance with me?" asked Sain hopefully, popping up behind her.

"On second thought…" Della muttered. She ran over to Eliwood and seized his hand, commanding him, "Dance. Now."

Eliwood was confused, but started dancing with her. Della lowered her voice and explained how she was still executing her Grand Master Scheme. Eliwood smiled and nodded.

"Aha!" Hector cried, rubbing his hands together. "He smiles! He nods! He likes her!"

"What are you doing?" Sain asked incredulously. "He's just smiling and nodding because he understands something!"

"Understands how much he cares for this odd little tactician girl!"

"NO, he like Ninian, not--oh, nevermind." Sain gave up and sighed wearily. "Hector, what are you doing, anyway?"

"Trying to hook Eliwood up with someone." Hector frowned. "That redhead is a pansy. Maybe if I get him a girlfriend he'll toughen up to prove he ISN'T a pansy. I mean, he can't just rely on Durandal alone…"

"Sure he can! That sword's bigger than HE is!"

"So what?" snapped Hector. "He's still a pansy! I'm his friend and I know what's good for him. He needs a girlfriend!"

"Why don't you just get Marcus to whip him into shape?"

Hector's eyes widened. "Marcus! That's it!" He called the paladin over and explained what needed to be done. Marcus nodded and galloped over to Eliwood.

Of course, their conversation just ended up with Eliwood reminiscing about all the good times he'd had with Marcus when he was just a little lordling.

"…I used to follow you around everywhere, Marcus, remember?"

Marcus nodded, trying not to cry. "Of course. And there was that time you asked for a piggyback…"

"Oh, I remember that! You lifted me up…and put me on the back of your horse, instead!"

Marcus sniffed.

"I felt so tall right then, up on your horse. I'm going to remember that for the rest of my life."

That did it. Marcus burst into tears.

"Only real men cry," said Lowen, who had galloped over to reprimand Sain—who was desperately trying to stifle a giggle fit at the sight of Marcus crying.

"Exactly." Marcus pulled out a handkerchief and glared at Sain. "But real men DO NOT giggle!"

"Gaaaah!" yelled Lowen. "You dishonor knights everywhere!" He pulled out his lance and charged Sain, who immediately turned tail and ran away.

"Oh my gosh," Hector muttered in disgust, slapping himself on the forehead. Marcus and Eliwood were crying, Sain was screaming in fear of LOWEN of all people, and Della had merrily frolicked off to get Pent to teach her how to blow stuff up. "I am surrounded by complete…and utter…morons."

"Ha! You think THEY'RE bad?" A bandit popped up beside Hector. "You should see my camp! Even my leader has issues…he just watches soap operas all day instead of plundering and looting. I think—"

Hector never found out what the bandit thought, because he swung his axe and killed the man in one quick stroke.

"Loser," he snorted, walking away.

* * *

_A/N: Hehe, it's about time I put Hector in here. By the way, this chapter is called Satellite because that is my favorite song by the REAL Dave Matthews Band—I remember listening to it with my dad on the way to preschool. Good times!_

_Do you know what's awesome? Here I am ranting about trees and flutes and Tas, and guess what? I had expected a bunch of reviews asking me if I was crazy, but instead I got a bunch of reviews from band geeks like me who love talking to trees and ranting about Tas! It was very cool, I must say. Thanks to everyone who reviewed! Next time I'll be able to use that nifty new "reply" button to reply…woot! _


	10. Chapter 10! Merry Christmas?

_A/N: (Yay! It's December! The chapters I post around this time will be mainly Christmas-related. I'm sorry if you don't celebrate Christmas…this isn't discriminatory against other holidays, anyway. So, I hope you'll keep reading no matter what you're doing this month!)_

"_Woohoo!" Della yells, running around. "Christmas time, Christmas time!"_

_Eliwood and Hector look at each other blankly. "…Christmas?"_

* * *

_**CHAPTER TEN—Merry Christmas…?**_

"Let me get this straight…" said Legault, suddenly very very happy. "FREE…presents."

"You bet!" chirped Nino. "Isn't it wonderful? Everything is changing now…" she twirled around and around, filled with Christmas joy. "It's a time for giving…and caring…and peace for all mankind!"

Legault put his hand on her head to stop her from spinning. "Don't do that."

Nino sulked.

"Besides," Legault continued, "Who cares about all that stuff? All that matters is FREE PRESENTS!"

Matthew shrugged. "You can't argue with that logic."

"Oh, you guys are a couple of Grinches," Nino sniffed, walking from the room.

"Grinches…?" Legault and Matthew asked each other. They were still rather new to this whole "Christmas" thing. Della hadn't really been good with the details, she had just rushed in screaming "IT'S ADVENT!" and told Eliwood and Lyn a whole bunch of stuff about something called "the holidays". Eventually the lords had told everyone else what they knew.

"Wait," said Legault, "Nino said Christmas is about _giving_…does that mean we're going to have to buy presents for EVERYONE?"

"I don't think so. Even the lords don't have that kind of money. I guess you just give presents to your friends, and the people you love."

"Ah," said Legault. "In that case, I'm off to find Heath—"

Matthew grabbed Legault by the collar and slammed him against the wall. "Legault. No. Just no."

"Sheesh! Can't anyone take a joke?" Legault slipped away from Matthew's grasp and ended up by the door, something all thieves are good at. "Well, I have to go anyway. I've got things to steal…"

"What was that?" The ever-honest Eliwood poked his head into the door.

"Uh…I've Got Green Blue Teal," Legault lied smoothly. "It's the new song for our band." Legault waltzed out the door, singing, "Greeeen, the color of Nino's hair, bluuuueeee, the color of Hector's hair, Teeeeaaal, the color of……um……Crayola Crayons!" His voice faded away.

"That was…odd…" said Eliwood, moving on his way.

* * *

Lyn stood on a hill and looked off to the horizon, off to where she knew the Plains of Sacae were waiting for her. She missed them so much.

A few yards away, Sain and Kent were on guard duty. They too, were looking over in Lyn's direction…

"Talk to her," urged Sain.

"No!" cried Kent.

"Why not?"

"I can't just go up and talk to her!"

"Sure you can, you do it all the time! 'Lady Lyndis, I must make sure you're okay'!" Sain waved his hands in the air, imitating his partner.

"Not funny," Kent growled. "Stop it, Sain."

"Come on! Why won't you just talk to her?"

"It…it's not proper!"

"You know you want to…"

"No, I don't."

"You're lying…"

"So what?"

Sain sighed. "You really are hopeless, you know that? But it's okay…because this is the season for…?"

"This is the season for peace. If I'm hopeless, that's fine. I can't…she can't…it won't work."

"You moron, you missed my hint!"

"Is this not the season for peace?"

"Well…yeah, but it's the season for HOPE!"

"I thought I was hopeless."

"Time to change all that!"

"What?" Before Kent could react, Sain had kicked Chivalry (Kent's horse) and the two galloped away.

"We're going to find you some hope, man!"

"Wait! Sain! What about guard duty?"

* * *

"Oh man…" Wallace sighed, finding their post deserted. "This is the twenty-fourth time I've had to take over! Those two owe me BIG TIME."

* * *

"Young tactician?" Canas asked. Della swung down out of Crei.

"What's up, Canas?"

The shaman eyed Crei uneasily, then beckoned Della over to him. The two walked away from the tree.

"Young tactician," he whispered, "I must know…what do you get a tree for Christmas?"

"Ohmigosh!" Della gushed. "Are you serious? That's so sweet!"

"Not so loud! I want it to be a surprise."

Della nodded and lowered her voice. "That's awesome, Canas. But…honestly, I don't know what to give Crei. I wanted to get him something, too."

"Then we shall have to go present hunting together!"

"It shall be a Noble Quest!"

"Indeed!"

"Quite!"

The two set off arm in arm to go find Merlinus, both feeling very British.

_

* * *

_

"D-dame Vaida…" Merlinus stammered, "I don't _have _any silver spears left! The new shipment hasn't arrived yet!"

"I don't care if it's arrived or not!" Vaida screamed. "Go get me a silver spear!"

"Dame Vaida! I can't do that—there are _none left_!"

"Go get some, then!"

"The shipment is coming soon; can't you just wait until then?"

Just then Della and Canas showed up. Ignoring them, Vaida grabbed Merlinus by the collar and hoisted him off of the ground.

"Look here, merchant," she snarled, "You'd better pray that your shipment comes soon, or I'll make sure my old steel spear works just as well as a new silver one—by testing it on you!"

Merlinus gulped. Vaida shook him.

"Tell me! When does the shipment come?"

"The…the day after tomorrow, Dame Vaida!"

"AAAAAHHHH!" Della screamed upon hearing that, running around. "GLOBAL WARMING!"

Vaida was so confused she actually let go of Merlinus.

"Young tactician?" Canas called, "What are you doing?"

Too late. Della was running around in circles, flapping her arms and yelling things about something called a Greenhouse Effect.

Canas tried to stop her, and almost got run over for his efforts. "I say," he declared, adjusting his monocle, "We really do need to stop you from being so bored."

* * *

"I'm BORED," whined Ephidel.

"Great, you can clean up my football mess," said Nergal.

"WHAT?" Ephidel stared in shock as Nergal whipped out a football.

"It is my patented Football of Doom—even more powerful than my old Ping-Pong Ball of Doom! MUAHAHAHAHA!" Nergal laughed maniacally. Ephidel laughed maniacally too, because that's what good evil servants do—they just go with it. Or else. Except Ephidel went with the flow a little too long, and choked and fell over.

"Only Masters of Evil should attempt The Laugh," Nergal informed Ephidel as he stood back up.

"What are you talking about?" Ephidel cried. "I AM a Master of Evil! I am THE Master of Evil! I'm the evilest master that ever—ooh look, a chipmunk!" Ephidel scurried over to pick up and cuddle a cute, fluffy rodent that was wearing a red Santa hat.

"I don't know you," Nergal said quickly, turning to walk away.

"Come on, Master! Where's your Christmas spirit?"

"It DIED," Nergal retorted firmly. "I shot it. A lot."

"You're no fun," said Ephidel. Too late. Nergal was on a Monologue:

"And then I buried it. And then I dug it up, reincarnated it, shot it again, cloned it, killed the clones, burned it, and cremated its ashes. Just for good measure."

"You make me sad," said Ephidel.

"Good." Nergal expertly spiraled his Football of Doom off into the distance. For a while, all was silent.

Then a huge mushroom cloud billowed up over the horizon.

Ephidel caught Nergal's meaningful look. "Oh no, Master, not again…I just finished cleaning the Ping-Pong Ball of Doom mess!"

"Too bad."

Wailing like a little kid, Ephidel sulked off to go clear away some nuclear damage.

"Hehe," Nergal cackled. "Merry Christmas, loser."

* * *

"You know what I think?" asked Nino.

Jaffar said nothing.

"Oh, don't pretend like you don't care." Nino put her hands on her hips.

Jaffar said nothing.

"No…muffins are better than pancakes. But waffles DO beat them all, that's true….HEY!" Nino scowled. "You got me off topic. I was going to tell you what I thought!"

Jaffar looked straight ahead.

"Don't you roll your eyes at me, mister. I was going to say…we need to give Nergal some Christmas spirit!"

Jaffar said nothing. Nino squealed and hugged him.

"Oh, I KNEW you'd think it was a good idea! Come on…let's go find him and spread some joy! Christmas is coming soon!"

The two left, passing Matthew on their way out.

Jaffar said nothing.

"Yeah, that's right, practice is at eight," said the thief. "I'm glad you asked—we had it rescheduled and Legault didn't know if you got the memo. See ya then, man." Matthew waved as Jaffar and Nino walked out the door.

* * *

"One red suit!" Della ordered Merlinus. The merchant looked baffled.

"A…a red suit?"

"Yeah! A big one for a fat guy! With white trim!"

"Erm…I don't have anything fitting that description…oh dear." Merlinus fussed and fretted, walking into the back of his caravan to look for something like that. He emerged with some red and white cloth.

"Um, we do have this, if it helps any."

Della shrugged. "It's better than nothing, eh, Canas?"

Canas looked confused. "I say, whatever is that cloth for?"

"For Hector!"

"I thought you said it was for a 'big fat guy'?" Canas felt strange, saying such outlandish slang words.

"Yup, that's Hector!" The tactician paused. "Uh…just don't tell him I said that. See, the plan is to get him to dress up like Santa Claus. But he won't do it if he knows that the job requires a fat guy." She turned to Merlinus. "Ok, well…I can't sew to save my life. Do you know anybody that can? Like Louise? Or Rebecca? Isadora, maybe?"

"Ooh! Ooh!" Merlinus squealed, raising his hand. "Pick me!"

Della raised an eyebrow. "You sew?"

"Lots and lots!" said Merlinus, jumping from foot to foot and clapping his hands. "It brings out my feminine side!"

"If you promise to never ever EVER say that again, I'll let you sew this." Della handed him the bundle of cloth.

"YAAAAY!" Merlinus cheered, running to the back of the caravan to commence his girly habits.

"He…frightens me," Canas admitted.

"Yeah, me too."

"Wait!" Canas frowned. "If Merlinus is busy…NOW what are we going to get Crei?"

"We're going to get him--" Della froze. "Uh…good question."

"Are we to go Nobly Questing again?"

"Yea verily!"

* * *

"Who are you getting Christmas presents for, Lucius?" asked Farina.

Lucius smiled. "All of my friends and family. I'll make sure to get you one too, Miss Farina."

"LUCIUS!" Raven yelled, stomping over to them. "What are you DOING?"

"Um…being nice to people?"

"That's not 'people'!" Raven pointed a finger at Farina. "That's my ARCH NEMESIS! You're fraternizing with the enemy, Lucius!"

"The…the enemy, my lord Raven?"

"YES!" Raven yelled. "How could you? I thought you were loyal!"

Farina put her hands on her hips. "I remember you, Raven. You're that jerk from Chapter Three!"

"That jerk from Chapter Three who can beat you to a pulp!" Raven retorted angrily, his hands clenched.

"The one who boasted so AFTER he was already pinned to a tree by MY spear!"

"Yeah, well—" Raven paused, unable to think up a retort.

"Can't we all just…get along?" Lucius asked quietly.

"Oh, go comb your hair or something," Raven snapped to him.

"Lord Raven!" Lucius cried, deeply hurt. He started to sniffle.

"Oh man," Raven groaned. "Come on, Lucius…"

Lucius' eyes got really big and shiny. His lower lip stuck out.

"Lucius, really…come on…you know I didn't mean that…"

Lucius was on the verge of bursting into tears.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry! There, happy?"

"Yes!" Lucius chirped, all signs of sadness suddenly and randomly gone. "You're such a good friend!" He dove to fling his arms around Raven's shoulders, but Raven stopped him with one hand.

"No, Lucius. No. Never again." The mercenary turned his attention to Farina. "And YOU…as soon as Lucius isn't around to stop us from fighting, you are SO going down!"

"Bring it on, freak!" Farina screeched.

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

"FINE!"

"FINE!"

"…Not fine…" Lucius whispered.

Raven whirled around. "Go home, Lucius. You LOSE. You're a LOSER. You LOST."

With a scream of rage, Della came hurtling out of nowhere, smacking Raven on the head and knocking him out.

"Don't you DARE diss _Lucius_," she seethed. Then she smiled pleasantly, waved to Farina, and ran away.

"Young tactician!" Canas huffed, chasing after her. "Wait for me!"

Lucius sighed sadly and went to go ask Serra to heal Raven.

Farina waited patiently until Lucius was out of sight.

Then she ran over to the fallen Raven and started kicking him.

* * *

_Hmm…this chapter didn't seem to have the same tone as the last chapters. Perhaps that's just because I'm starting off another arc—you see, in the other chapters, even though it was random, I still had an idea of where I was going. Now I am completely and totally making things up as I go along. Hopefully I'll figure myself out soon…_

_And if you've seen the movie The Day After Tomorrow, you'll know why Della starts ranting about global warming. I BROKE THE DAM (hahaha, don't worry about it—that's an inside joke.)_

_Please remember to review, and thanks to everyone who reviewed last time! _


	11. Chapter 11! Literal Green Sleeves

_A/N: What is elevated, my canine? (A.k.a Wut up, dawg). Here is chapter eleven. Whoop-de-doodly-doo! To those that wondered why Farina called Raven "that jerk from chapter three"…I was talking about the chapters in this story, not in the game. Sorry for any confusion. Ready for some more randomness?_

_FLOCK OF TURTLES!_

_But seriously…_

* * *

_**CHAPTER ELEVEN—GREEN SLEEVES--LITERALLY**_

Nino and Jaffar entered the bad guy's camp, looking for Nergal so they could restore his Christmas spirit. (They didn't know how many times that spirit had died. In horrible, painful ways.) Anyway, they weren't in the area for more than three minutes before Lloyd found them.

"Nino?" he asked, awed. "_Jaffar_?" His whole face lit up. "Nino! I've been looking all over for you! Where have you been?"

Nino ran up and hugged her brother. "We're on the good guy's side, now!"

Lloyd's jaw dropped and he looked over Nino's head at Jaffar. "_Both _of you? The _Angel of Death _is a good guy?"

Jaffar said nothing.

" 'And PROUD'?" Lloyd asked, angry. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Nino's face fell. "You're supposed to be the smart one. _Linus _is supposed to ask dumb questions, but _you're _supposed to understand things. And then you both go kill some people."

"Oooohhh…" said Lloyd. "Okay. I get it."

There was a long pause.

"Okay, time to go kill some people!" the swordsmaster hollered. Then he skipped off to the horizon. In a manly, evil kind of way, of course.

* * *

Lloyd skipped right over to Ephidel.

Ephidel was scowling, surrounded by swirling nuclear gasses. He pulled out a Nosferatu and tried to blow it away—no luck. He pulled out a Bolting and tried to obliterate it all—no luck. Frantically he tried more and more powerful spellbooks, but nothing cleared the Football of Doom's damage.

"GAAAH!" Ephidel cried, as an Excalibur broke. "NOOOO! Nothing works!"

"Have you tried everything?" Lloyd asked.

Ephidel was on the verge of tearing out his silver hair. "Everything except for Flux, and Flux doesn't even DO damage, let alone clear away any. Look!" Ephidel whipped out a Flux and spoke a work of power. The spell activated…

…and instantly all of the nuclear damage was gone.

"EGAD!" Ephidel screeched. "Of course, the only thing that works is the last thing I try! What could make this day any worse?"

Instantly Lloyd spotted Ephidel's cute little Santa Chipmunk Friend from last chapter. Cackling evilly, he drew his awesome sword and cut it to ribbons.

"No!" the morph screamed, kneeling beside his little friend. "Alvin! Speak to me, Alvin!"

Lloyd quirked an eyebrow. "I don't think he can. He's cut into itty bitty pieces. Lots and lots and lots of itty bitty pieces."

Ephidel resorted to angrily banging the Flux against the ground, yelling "WHY! DOES EVERYTHING! HAPPEN! TO ME!"

"Ouch," said Lloyd sympathetically. "What are you going to do now?"

"I'll tell you what I'm going to do now," Ephidel retorted angrily, rising to his feet. "I shall recruit Simon and Theodore, and create a chipmunk army of such epic proportions that all the world will bow to ME! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Lightning flashed behind him and Ephidel continued to laugh. And laugh. And laugh.

Lloyd got bored and walked away. The sun set, and then rose again. Random policemen chased bandits across the field. Random bandits chased policemen across the field. Della skipped along, yelling "Huzzah for subtle British humor!", a purple-haired shaman skipping behind her.

Not noticing, Ephidel continued to laugh in a Mandark-like fashion.

"Muahaha! Muahahahahahaha! Muahahahahahahahaha!"

Nergal teleported over and stood for quite some time, watching Ephidel. Who was STILL laughing.

"Muahahaha! Muaha….ha….hahaha….ha…..ha." The evil laugh died away.

"Are you quite finished?" Nergal asked irritably.

"Yes," Ephidel answered meekly.

"Good. Because I found that my Christmas Spirit had been reincarnated into the form of two chipmunks named Simon and Theodore."

Ephidel's face lit up. "I know those two!"

"Not anymore. I killed them both. Several times over. In fiery explosions."

"NOOOoooo!" Ephidel screamed, sinking to his knees. "My chipmunk army! WHY?"

Nergal shrugged. "I don't know. Nor do I care. All that matters is those rodent-obliterating explosions left a huge mess, and you need to go clean it while I work on my Christmas Ornament of Doom."

Ephidel brightened. "Does this mean you've gotten some Christmas spirit back?"

Nergal laughed. "Heck, no! The point of the Ornament of Doom is to throw it, watch it break into itty bitty shards, and then light it on fire and watch it explode! Isn't that wonderful? Now, go clean up what's left of those singing chipmunks."

"Why do I always have to clean everything?" the morph asked angrily. "Why can't you get Sonia or Limstella to do it?"

"Because…" Nergal paused. "Well, good question. Too bad I don't care enough to answer it. Now clean like the wind, slave!"

Ephidel sulked off.

* * *

As soon as Lloyd left, Nino instantly caught sight of Sonia.

"Mommy!" she cried, throwing out her arms and trying to hug the morph.

"Ewww!" Sonia screeched. "Child germs! Get it away! Get it away!" The morph tried to run away from Nino, but Nino kept on coming. Eventually Sonia decided that completely and utterly destroying a nuisance would be more effective than running away from one. So she grabbed her most powerful spellbooks and kept trying to kill her own 'daughter'.

Jaffar just watched, silently and exasperatedly, seeing Sonia try to murder Nino but having her magic explosions miss. A huge, smoking crater would appear right beside Nino, but sweet, naïve, goddess-icon-carrying little Nino didn't notice her mother was trying to kill her. Somewhere between Nino's rhythmic chant of "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" and Sonia's desperate screams of "DIE, DARN YOU! WHY WON'T YOU DIE?", Jaffar decided to interfere.

He stepped between the mage and the morph, putting his hand on Nino's head to stop her and shooting her a look that plainly said _Okay, you might want to stop now._

Then he turned his gaze to Sonia.

"Why do you keep staring at me?" she screeched. "Just TALK already!"

"He IS talking!" Nino's voice came out muffled from behind Jaffar's hand. "He asked you where Nergal is."

Sonia pointed to an Evil Fortress over in the distance. "He's over there," she told Jaffar shakily. "Hurry up and go—get that THING away from me!"

"But mother!" cried Nino.

Jaffar dragged her off to the Evil Fortress.

* * *

Della skipped along, singing.

"Hark how the bells, sweet silver bells, all seem to say, blow cares away, Christmas is here, bringing good cheer, to young and old, meek and the bold…"

Suddenly she stopped and fell to the ground, crying out in torment. "NOOOOOoooooo!"

"I say!" Canas finally caught up to her. "Whatever is the matter, young tactician?"

"I forgot the rest of the song!" Della yelled, angry with herself. Suddenly she perked up. "Now I get to sing Chanukah songs!"

She hopped to her feet and started skipping and singing again.

"S'vivon! Sov sov sov! Hanuka-a-a-ah…"

"Wait!" Canas yelled. "Don't leave me behind again! I thought we were going present-questing!"

"Of course we're going present-questing!" Della began to sing Sleigh Ride and twirled around. "We're going to Ilia!"

"Ack!" cried the shaman. "Ilia is freezing this time of year. Why are we going there?"

"It's the closest thing we can get to the North Pole. And where there's a North Pole, there's Santa! And where there's Santa…THERE'S PRESENTS!"

"Ah! Tally-ho then, away we g—" Canas paused. Della was humming Green Sleeves and staring intently at her arms. "Young tactician…?"

"Canas!" she yelled joyfully. "Green Sleeves!" She thrusted her arms out for him to see. "Get it? It's the name of the carol…and I'm a tactician…so I have green…sleeves…too…" She trailed off and scowled. "Oh, forget it. To Ilia!"

"Huzzah!" cheered Canas.

* * *

"Lord Hector!" cried Merlinus, holding up a big red suit. "Do you _love _it?"

"What…the heck…is that…?" Hector asked skeptically. Behind him, Lyn and Wallace took a step forward in curiosity.

"It is your Santa suit!" the merchant told him. "You get to be Santa Claus for Christmas…everyone will give you their gifts, and on Christmas morning you'll hand them out to the recipients! Isn't it _wonderful_?"

Hector took the suit and examined it, raising an eyebrow. "And…I have to wear _this_?"

"Of course!" Merlinus chirped. "And you have to be jolly and kind and wear a fake white beard and climb down chimneys!" The merchant clapped his hands and hopped from foot to foot. "This is so exciting!"

"Hector in a chimney?" Lyn asked, trying very hard not to laugh. "I think he would get stuck! And then he'd have to wait there…all night…for someone skinnier to rescue him…Haha, like Pricilla…hahaha, Pricilla rescuing Hector! Haha…HAHAHA!"

Lyn couldn't hold it in any more. She burst out laughing. Hector scowled and stomped off to go change into the suit. He didn't _want _to be Santa, but he didn't have much of a choice…girls were scary, and Lyn might beat him up for ruining Christmas. Merlinus was rather girly, too. And Wallace…Wallace was a general. Hector shuddered. You don't upset generals. You just don't.

* * *

On a grave with a headstone marked "Nergal's Christmas Spirit," a very odd man in a turban danced and laughed.

"Grandpa Nergal! Grandpa Nergal!" Nino screeched, running towards him. She was alone. Just her and a limitless horizon.

Nergal took one look at her, turned and fled.

Jaffar came out of nowhere and tackled him to the ground.

"Jaffar!" spat Nergal. "Where the Flux did you come from? I looked all the way to the horizon, and there was _nobody!_"

Jaffar said nothing.

"Yeah, you tell him, Jaffar!" cheered Nino. "Watch your language, Grandpa Nergal." Nergal struggled to his feet. "Where have you two been?"

"We joined the good guys!" Nino chirped, obviously not realizing how unhappy that might make the Main Antagonist of their world.

"_WHAT?" _roared Nergal. "BOTH of you?"

"Yeah!" said Nino. "We've come here together—"

"Wait a minute." Nergal cut her off. "_You two _are TOGETHER?"

"Uh-huh! We're together."

Nergal looked at the bright, cheerful mage and the silent, brooding Angel of Death. He raised an eyebrow.

_"Together, _together?"

"No!" said Nino, playfully batting his arm. "You're such a teaser, Grandpa Nergal."

Nergal flinched, as though her touch had burned him. "If you two are good now, why have you dared to come back?

"I say you need some Christmas spirit!"

Nergal raised an eyebrow. "That's abso-flippin-lutely fan_tastic_. Thank you for coming all the way out here to tell me that. Go away now."

"No!" Nino cried, heroically thrusting a finger towards the sky. "You need Christmas spirit, and I'm going to deliver it to you!" An American flag randomly unfurled and flew out behind her.

"What is _with _that?" Nergal yelled. "Where the flux did the sky go?"

"Grandpa Nergal!" Nino screamed back. "Get in the Christmas spirit or I'll make you!"

Nergal cackled. "Whatcha gonna do? _Giggle _at me?" Nergal dropped the smile and looked around. "Uh-oh…where'd Jaffar go?"

Slowly Jaffar rose up behind Nergal.

Ok, admit it, that's pretty dang creepy.

Nergal gulped. "Uh…okay Nino…maybe I'll consider having some spirit…but only if I can blow it up when this is all over, okay?"

Nino smiled.

* * *

Hector walked back to where Merlinus, Lyn, and Wallace were standing. He bowed his head so no one would have to see his face, so no one would have to see his shame. He was wearing the Santa suit.

"Come on then, Hector," ordered Merlinus. "Lift your head up so we can get a better look at you."

Hector obliged, his face impassive. Maybe after Christmas was over he could take Armads and smash that merchant's face in half…now THAT'S what you call Christmas Joy…

Wallace struggled to keep his face straight. "Well now, Lassie," he asked Lyn, "Is that a Santa Ostia or a Hector Claus?"

"I think it's called…a LOSER!" Lyn fell to the ground, laughing her head off.

"Shut up!" Hector growled. "You guys _made _me do this!"

All three of them had fallen over now. Hector growled, ripped off the Santa hat, and crushed it under a Santa boot. Then he stomped away to take off the rest of the stupid costume.

"Wait," said Lyn, coming to her senses and sitting up. "We don't have a Santa now!" Her gaze found Wallace. Big jolly Wallace. "Hmmmm…"

* * *

"Gwah ha ha!" laughed Wallace.

Lyn smacked her forehead. "No, Wallace. For the last time, it's 'ho ho ho'!"

"Gwah ha ha!"

"Wallace, repeat after me. Ho…ho…ho."

"…Gwah…ha…ha!"

"NO! HO HO HO!"

"Gwoh ho ha!"

"Okay," said Lyn, sighing tiredly, "This isn't going to work out. Sorry Wallace."

* * *

"Well, here we are again," Hector muttered irritably. "Back in this stupid throne room again, with nothing to do."

Eliwood sighed. "Yes."

Hector brightened. "Hey, I have an idea! Let's play 'Annoy the Old Guy'!"

"_What?"_

We go find Athos, steal his cane, and play keep-away with it!"

"Hector!" Eliwood cried, appalled, "That's awful!"

Hector groaned. "Darn it, Eliwood, do you always have to be so chivalrous?"

"I just don't think it's a good idea to annoy our elders—"

"Dude. It's Athos. He's like, a thousand years old. He's _beyond _our elders."

"Hector—"

"I'm so bored! If you don't play 'Annoy the Old Guy' with me, I'll…I'll... I'll lie and tell Ninian that you really like Lyn!"

"GAAAH," Eliwood cried, "Don't do that!"

"Play 'Annoy the Old Guy' with me!"

"Okay," Eliwood muttered miserably. "Fine." He followed Hector to go find Athos.

They weren't playing for more than five minutes before Athos got ticked off and used a Forblaze on Hector. His cane flew neatly back into his gnarled hand.

"Okay…"Hector mumbled dizzily. He was charred all over and one corner of his cape was on fire. (Eliwood stomped it out because he's so dang chivalrous.) "Um…Eliwood…why don't we play football instead?"

"Oh, I'll play football," Athos growled. Within minutes huge balls of fire were falling out of the sky. Eliwood and Hector screamed and ran away, Athos following.

He chased them all the way over to where Lyn was sitting, dejectedly holding up a big red suit. She caught sight of Athos and jumped up, smiling.

Athos loved the whole idea and peace on earth and goodwill towards men, so he agreed to be Santa. He was trying to hoist a bag of toys up, however, and promptly threw out his back.

"DANG IT!" yelled Lyn. "We're NEVER going to find a Santa!"

"Not so," said Athos, smiling slightly. "I have an old friend that might be a Santa for us…a very old friend…"

* * *

"Grandpa Nergal?" Nino asked, "Why do you have your hand over your heart like that?"

"I sense a cruel, cruel irony," Nergal replied.

* * *

_A/N: Muahaha! Irony is so much fun. Woot…this chapter took me a while to write—it's six pages long onmy computer. Just a couple of references I want to write disclaimers for—I do not own Alvin and the Chipmunks, nor do I own Dexter's Lab, where I got that Mandark-style laughter from. If I did, I would not be sitting here writing, I would be standing on top of the conquered world, muahaha-ing my head off! _


	12. Chapter 12! THREE MINUTES LATER

_A/N: And hello again! Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everybody! (Or, as it is more fun to say: Merry Christmahanukwanzakas and Winter Solstice!) Woot! Eliwood will hereby present whoever can pronounce that with a cookie! Yes, I know I'm using too many exclamation points, but I don't care because Christmas means SUGAR and sugar plus Kender is the most stupid math problem you'd ever want to solve! HUZZAH!_

**_CHAPTER TWELVE—THREE MINUTES LATER_**

"No," said Nergal stubbornly. "I'm not going to do it."

"C'mon, Grandpa Nergal," Nino pleaded, holding up the Santa suit.

"No! I'm not going to!"

Nino's chin quivered. "But…without a Santa Claus, Christmas will be ruined?"

"Do you think I care?" Nergal screamed.

Nino tried hard not to cry. "Please, Grandpa Nergal. Don't crush our hopes and dreams. Please…save Christmas."

"Look here, you little brat. I don't care about Christmas! I am NOT going to dress up as Santa Claus!"

Nino's eyes glowed red.

"_DO IT_!" she thundered, growing ten times her size and thrusting the suit into Nergal's face.

Nergal put his hands over his ears. "La la la la laaaaa, I'm not listening, I'm not going to, you can't make me do this, you can't make me do this, you can't make me do this!"

THREE MINUTES LATER

"I can't believe," Nergal muttered, "you actually made me do this."

"You look adorable!" Nino gushed. "Aww, you're so sweet with a Santa hat pulled over your eye instead of a turban!"

Nergal flinched.

"Okay," said Nino. "Time to work on your laugh."

"…Muahaha?"

"NO! The Santa Laugh!"

"I refuse," Nergal snapped. "You got me into this suit, but there's no way you can take away my Evil Laugh."

Suddenly Ephidel skipped by, Evilly Laughing…to the tune of Jingle Bells.

"Dashing through the smog

Left by the football of doom,

Dashing through the fog,

Dashing through the gloom!

I'm off to find Nergal,

And just to be mean, I

Am gonna lift his turban up

And poke him in the eye!

Oh, Muahaha! Muahaha! Muahaha-ha-ha!"

"That's it," said Nergal quickly. "I disown The Laugh. Hohoho, there, happy?"

"Yay," Nino beamed, clasping her hands.

THREE MINUTES LATER, AT ILIA

"Ding dong ding dong, that is their song, with joyful ring, all caroling…" Della sang, skipping along. "One seems to hear, words of good cheer, from everywhere, filling the air! Yay, Canas, I remembered the words to Carol of the Bells!"

"Splendid," said Canas, shivering. They were almost to Ilia, and it was cold!

"Now, if I only knew the words to the Little Drummer Boy…I could sing it at the same tempo we're playing a Level Six song in band…"

"Level six?"

"Oh, that's the hardest level of music. And we're playing a level six at a tempo of 160…in cut time! And the flute part is mainly sixteenth notes! It's crazy fast! And then we accelerando! And it's like, AAAAAHHHHH!"

"…Er…wow…" said Canas, who had no idea what she just said.

"Yeah," said Della, shrugging. "Now…what should we get Crei?"

"I don't quite know…but at least we're at the North Pole…or as close as we can get. So now what?"

"Let's look around for elves!" said the tactician enthusiastically.

"No!" A bunch of girls shrieked, coming out of nowhere and mobbing the tactician. "Orlando Bloom is ours!"

"Not Legolas!" Della screamed, "I don't want Legolas, I want a Santa elf! GAAAH, get away from me! You all can _have _Orlando Bloom! You do realize he's FIFTEEN years older than us, right? I don't like him!"

A hush fell over the mob of girls.

Then they all screamed "BLASPHEMY!" and started beating Della up harder.

"Hum de dum," Canas hummed, looking around. "I say, where are the presents around here? Ah!" He spotted the Pegasus Sisters and ran up to them. "Good day, you three. Do you know where any presents are?"

"Stay back!" Farina yelled, brandishing her slim lance. "Stay away from Florina!"

"I'm _married!_" said Canas exasperatedly. "I just want to know what to get a tree for Christmas!"

"Ask the dumb tactician," said Fiora.

"Oh no you did not just say that!" Della yelled from under a pile of angry fan girls. "That's it—I'm letting you die the next battle! You won't get Eliwood OR Kent! OW!" she yelled to the fans. "GET AWAY FROM ME! Would you stop hurting me if I told you I think Johnny Depp's cool?"

The fan girls paused a minute. "Yeah…well…Depp is pretty cool…"

"Who are they?" Farina asked

Canas shrugged. "Crazed Orlando Bloom fans."

"…Who's Orlando Bloom?"

With that, all the fans forgot totally about Della and started beating up Farina.

"Run," the tactician gasped, tugging on Canas' sleeve. "Wait a minute…what's this?" She walked over to where the Pegasus Sisters had been standing before the fight broke out and picked up a plastic card. "It's a bus pass! And…this lance is much to thin to be a lance…so it must be a pencil!" With that, Della scooped up the two items and held them over her head. "Offerings, Kemar!" she yelled to the sky. Then she took off running.

"Wait!" Canas yelled, running behind her. "What are you talking about?"

"I have too many inside jokes," was her only answer.

THREE MINUTES LATER

Back inside the random castle where every character seemed to be, Nergal was sulking around in his Santa suit as people came up to him and delivered their presents.

"This one's for Bartre," said Dorcas, handing Nergal a present. Nergal took it and dropped it into his toy bag.

"Okay," he said. "Merry Christmas. I hope you die."

"This one's for Louise," said Pent.

"Okay. Merry Christmas. I hope you die."

"This one's for my Erky!" (Do I really need to tell you who the speaker is?)

"Okay. Merry Christmas. I REALLY hope you die."

"I have presents," said Eliwood. "One for Hector, one for Della, one for Lyn, and one for Ninian."

"Okay. Merry Christmas. I hope you die. And I hope your girlfriend dies. I hope you're the one that accidentally kills her."

Eliwood stuck his hands behind his back, his blue eyes flashing.

"Ulp," said Nergal, expecting the lord to whip out Durandal.

Instead, Eliwood whipped out another present. "This one's for you," he said softly. "Merry Christmas, Nergal."

"FOR THE LOVE OF NOSFERATU, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A PANSY?" Nergal screamed.

"Hey!" said Hector, brandishing the Armads. "No one calls Eliwood a pansy except me!"

"Everyone will call him that when he breaks down because his girlfriend dies!" Nergal snarled.

"Don't listen to him," Eliwood told Ninian, holding her close. "I'll never let him hurt you."

"Aha!" cried Hector. "See? You're a real man if A) you like to protect things, B) you like to smash things, or C) you like to grill things! Yay steak and burgers!"

"Then what is Lucius?" asked Nergal. "He doesn't like to do A, B, or C!"

"Lucius is just untouchable," said Hector.

"Amen to that!" yelled practically everyone in the room.

THREE MINUTES LATER

Della and Canas burst into the room.

"Young tactician…how did we get from Ilia to here in six minutes?"

"Um…the power of Christmas…? WOAH!" Della took one look at Nergal and fell over laughing.

"Just wait," Nergal muttered. "One day I'm going to kill you all…I'm going to summon a dragon and start a war and Ephidel will FINALLY DIE and then I'll blame my old eye injury on Athos! MUAHAHAHA!"

Nino giggled. "Grandpa Nergal, you say the funniest jokes! Now, will you give my presents to Erk and Jaffar?"

* * *

_A/N: Yup, that's it. This one is really short, but I'm planning to do another one for Christmas Day. I don't know what the characters will get as presents…any ideas? _

_Anyways…I think only Kemar understood the part with the bus pass and the pencil, but that's too long a story to explain. Just know that the real life Crei likes pencils :-). And about Della not liking Orlando Bloom—it's nothing against him personally, it's mainly against the fact that too many people fifteen years younger than him are obsessed with him. And Legolas used to be the best LOTR character until every time someone said "I love Legolas", someone else would interpret that to "I love Orlando" and they'd go on an escapade about how hot he is. AAAHHH! _

_Oh, and the part about playing a sixteenth notes at 160 in cut time is also true. It's HARD!_


	13. Chapter 13! 'Tis a Gift I Think

_A/N: Yup, this is proof that I am watching Rurouni Kenshin too much…Eliwood says "Oro" in this chapter…well, he's a redhead and he's got a sword, right?_

–_laughs- Yeah, sure, I'll go find a hobby…right after I'm done playing my gamecube for hours on end! Whoop-dee-doodly-doo!_

_**CHAPTER THIRTEEN—Tis a Gift—I think…**_

"Muahaha, Merry Christmas," Nergal growled, taking presents out of his toy bag and throwing them as hard as he could. He was pleased to note that he hit Lyn in the face with her present, then slammed Florina in the stomach so hard she fell over, and then bounced something extremely heavy off of Wil's head.

He hit Eliwood as often as he could, of course.

"What was that for?" Eliwood demanded as another rather pointy present bounced painfully off of his back. "I gave you a present, I was nice to you, why are you doing this to me?"

"You're the hero! And you must die! DIE, I SAY!" Nergal threw another present at the lord, but Eliwood caught it.

"Hey!" yelled Fiora, running up to the lord. "That's MY present!" She snatched it from him and slapped him.

"Fiora?" asked Eliwood dizzily. That's right—he just got slapped. By a Peg Rider. (That's a new low, right there…)

Fiora slapped him again. "And THAT'S for hanging out with Ninian so often!"

"Oro!" said Eliwood, trying to shield his head as a barrage of presents came raining down. Then Nergal tossed up an anvil with a pretty red bow on top. We can all guess who he was aiming for.

Well actually, he was aiming for Lucius, but it hit Eliwood anyway.

"ELIMINE'S NAME, WHO BOUGHT THE ANVIL?" the lord screamed.

* * *

"What…is that?" Heath asked skeptically.

"Your Christmas present!" Legault shoved a yellow rose under Heath's nose.

"Bleck!" Heath ducked away. "What kind of present is that?"

"A yellow rose stands for everlasting love!" cried Legault. Heath screamed and ran away as Matthew slammed Legault against the wall.

"Dude! Stop freaking the readers out!"

"They know I'm kidding!" Legault looked uneasily at the ceiling. "Uh…right? RIGHT?"

Matthew rolled his eyes. "Dude, just quit it. C'mon, I have to give you MY present!" He pulled out a black box.

"OHMIGOSH!" Legault yelled, seizing the box and hugging it. "A BOX! IT'S JUST WHAT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED!"

"OPEN the box, you idiot!" Matthew grabbed the box from Legault and set it on the ground, opening it carefully. "Besides, it's not a box, it's an instrument case."

"Can it be?" whispered Legault. "It is!" He grabbed something flashy, silver, and wired out of the case and held it over his head. "THE ALMIGHTY ELECTRIC FLUTE!" An American flag came out of nowhere and waved around behind the thief.

"Dang," Nergal muttered, "That is going to get really annoying really fast…"

Legault whipped another box out from behind his back. "I got this for you, Matthew."

"Foshizzle!" Matthew yelled, grabbing the present and ripping the wrapping paper off of it. "It's a—book? You got me a book?"

"Read the title!"

"Okay." Matthew read it out loud. "…The British Gangsta Big-Time Hollywood Manager Cat in the Hat Comes Back." He looked up at Legault with tears in his eyes. "Thanks man. This is really cool."

"We have to give our presents to Jaffar now. Where did he go?"

Jaffar slowly rose up from behind Legault.

"Geez!" yelled Matthew. "Dude, don't do that! That's scary as &#$!"

"SWEDISH PROFANITY!" Erk yelled, staggering up to the thief.

Matthew looked at Erk. "Wow. You don't look too good."

"Please excuse Erk," said Serra, grabbing the mage's arm. "He got sick and hasn't had an appetite so he's eaten nothing but a couple of Christmas cookies for three days…"

"I want another cookie," Erk pleaded, too delirious to realize that icky Serra was touching his arm.

Eliwood came out of nowhere. "I hereby present you with this cookie!"

"Woah!" yelled Serra. "Where the heck—weren't you…?—but you were—over there! GAAAH, how did you just pop up over here with a cookie?"

"I just walked over—" said Eliwood, but before he could finish explaining Karel had put his hands on the lord's shoulders and steered him away, telling Serra in his mysterious voice,

"Never underestimate the Mysterious Cookie-Presenting Powers of the Lords."

"HEY!" yelled Serra. "Who let you out of prison? Where are Wallace and Oswin? Weren't they supposed to be guarding you?"

Karel smirked. Mysteriously. "They're a bit…tied up, at the moment."

"You tied up two generals?" asked Eliwood dumbfoundedly as Karel led him away.

"I killed them all. Don't bother looking for their bodies—you'll never find them."

"Really?" Eliwood asked fearfully.

Karel sighed and took his hands off of the young lord's shoulders. "No, not really. They got drunk on orange juice this morning and let me out."

"Oooooooohhhhhh," said Eliwood with a smile. The orange juice. Of course. You know, because that explains everything.

* * *

"Armor?" Lyn asked, holding up Hector's present. "You got me heavy armor?"

"Yeah! Last time we sparred it wasn't fair because you had on light armor against my axe…"

Lyn looked up at him, her eyes cold. "Are you saying I'm not strong enough already?"

"No! I'm just saying that last time you didn't have a fair chance against me! This time it'll be more fair, so you might even win…"

"I do not need a handicap," Lyn told him, jumping to her feet. "Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean you need to go easy on me!"

"I'm NOT going easy on you! I'm making this FAIR!"

Too late. Lyn had thrown his present at him and angrily walked away.

"Crazy lady," he muttered, ripping open her present. "Hey cool! A hand axe! Yeah, I'd like to see those archers NOW! HA!" He grabbed his axe and ran after Wil.

"Gaaah!" yelled Wil, running for his life. "Don't chase me! Get Louise!"

"Are you crazy?" Hector asked. "She'll kill me! And then Pent will kill me!"

Erk, who was standing nearby, heard "Pent" and "kill" in the same sentence and began to shudder uncontrollably.

"ERKY!" shrieked Serra. "We need to get you help right now!"

"What about your staff?" Even delusional, Erk had common sense.

Serra scowled. "It broke. Now we have to find Priscilla…"

"Merry Christmas, Serra!" said Priscilla, popping up and holding out a present.

"Nyah," Serra retorted. "You think you're so pretty, you think you're so special! You think you can take away my Erky! But I see through you, demon! I—ooh, is that for me?" Serra grabbed the present away from Priscilla and tore it open. "OHMIGOSH it's a Mend! Priscilla I love you, you're my very best friend ever! You're so nice!"

"Great," said Erk. "Now…will you heal me?" The mage started to whimper. "My head hurts and I want another cookie!"

* * *

Eliwood jumped up suddenly. "MY COOKIE SENSE IS TINGLING!"

"Sit down," Lyn told him with a scowl. "Just open up your present."

Eliwood sighed. "But Lyn…I can't ignore the cookie sense! Someone out there is in need, and it is my job as the protagonist to aid them!" He jumped to his feet again and the wall behind him faded, to be replaced with an American flag.

Now sufficiently annoyed, Nergal jumped up and tore down the flag. Then secret service agents came out of nowhere, tackled him, and dragged him off. A Canadian flag took the American flag's place.

Lyn groaned and shook her head. "Open the present before any MORE conspiracies happen!"

"Fine." Eliwood opened it up. "Wow, a spear! Thank you, but…Lyndis, I can't use spears…"

"I can't use bows," Lyn retorted, "but that's what you got me."

Nergal smacked his forehead. "Oh my gosh…idiots…"

"Hey! Who let the prisoner get away?" The secret service dragged Nergal away again. They were followed by a mob of screaming Orlando Bloom fangirls who just felt like beating somebody up.

* * *

"So she already gave you her present this morning, did she?" Canas asked.

The wind blew, and Crei's branches moved up and down, nodding.

"Ah. Well, if she gave you the pencil, here's that bus pass we found." The shaman stuck it into the tree's branches. "I don't really understand why she decided to give a pencil and a buss pass to you for Christmas…wow! You really do like them though, don't you?" Canas hugged the tree. "The best presents ever? You're serious? Isn't that just the bee's knees!" He stepped away and frowned. "No, I don't know where Della went! Hmm…where did she go? What's that, Crei? She said something about a…a gamecube? What in Elimine's name is a gamecube?"

-----

"HUZZAH!" yelled Della. "FIRE EMBLEM PATH OF RADIANCE!" She looked around. "Ooooh…I like Ike. Yes I do. Not as cool as Eliwood, but…OMG WHO IS THAT AWESOME DUDE WHO WON'T STOP SMILING? Oscar? YES! Oscar is the coolest! Now who's Titania…?" The tactician dropped her controller in shock as Titania completely bulldozed a couple dozen generic soldiers. "IT'S A _GIRL_ MARCUS! HUZZAH!"

"Glad to see _you're _having fun," came a sulky voice from the walkie talkie that sat beside her.

"What's the matter, Ephidel? Don't you like the present I got for you? You did ask to vacation to another world for Christmas…"

"I don't get it…where are the morphs in this world?"

"There are none. I know, it's very sad…"

"AAAAAAHHHHH!"

"What is it?"

"There's a scary girl named Eirika and she's trying to kill me! That is a BIG SWORD!"

"At least it's not Ephraim…" Della muttered. "If it was Ephraim you'd be dead already. My Ephraim had such crazy good luck that he could get a critical hit on ANY WEAPON…multiple times…"

"Does this Ephraim have a horse?"

"He gets one later. Why?"

"Because there is a guy on a horse with a lance and red hair…and he's got me trapped in a corner…"

Della squealed. "That's SETH! Isn't he AWESOME?"

"Not when he's got me trapped in a corner and is trying to kill me!"

"You can teleport, can't you?"

"…Oh yeah."

Della sighed tiredly. "Just go find Lyon, I know you'll like him."

"….."

"Come on, Ephidel! I like Lyon, so you will too!"

"You also like Seth…"

"Well, yeah, but Lyon's a bad guy. You'll like him, trust me."

"Okay. Hey! He's got purple hair!"

"I know, doesn't he rock? HI, LYON!"

A new voice came out of the walkie-talkie. "Hello. Are you a friend of this morph? You both seem nice, would you like to come over for tea?" Suddenly the voice changed. _Then I, the Demon King, will have you in my clutches and shall devour your SOULS!_

"Ephidel…" said Della uneasily, "Why don't you get out of there…?"

"Heck yes."

Before Della could blink, the morph was sitting beside her.

"Scary," he said.

"Scary," Della agreed.

Ephidel noticed the T.V. "What is this?"

"It's a kill-fest! KILL THE GENERIC BANDITS, TITANIA! HI-HO SILVER, AWAAAAAAY!"

"…Scary…..." said Ephidel again.

* * *

_A/N: Yay! This one is super-randomy…probably because I, like Erk, have been sick and so have eaten nothing but a couple of Christmas cookies a day. For several days straight. Is it possible to have high and low blood sugar at the same time? YOU BET IT IS! WOOOOOT!_

_And yes, my Ephraim did have crazy good luck. Once he got four critical hits. In a row. With a javelin. And the critical hit percentage was only 13._

_Anyways, next chapter I'm going to do what was requested of me…a chapter with just the bad guys! Fun fun fun…but be afraid. Be very afraid. MUAHAHAHA!_


	14. Chapter 14! EEEVILLL

_A/N: Howdy, y'all! Sorry I haven't posted in a while! My teachers went crazy on me…OMG I HATE HOMEWORK!(calms down)Anyway! Because someone asked for it and because I am ultra-bored and too lazy to think up more crazy ideas at the moment, I am going to write a chapter with mainly the bad guys! (NOTE: Just for those who don't remember, Zoldam is the shaman boss on that level on Fargus' pirate ship. And Denning is the morph boss on a level—it's Ostia, right?—I don't know, but it's at a castle and Denning keeps saying "This is a message from Lord Nergal…" Yeah, I know y'all remember him. –laughs-) _

_Random Short: Arguments between FE players!_

_Kender: Who's hair do you like the best?_

_Friend: Heath. He has some awesome hair._

_Kender: Ew! I don't like his hair._

_Friend: What are you talking about? His hair is TWO colors. That's AWESOME._

_Kender: I like Florina's hair._

_Friend: No way! It's too purple!_

_Kender: But that's why I like it!_

_Friend: Matthew's got better hair than Florina._

_Kender: Matthew's hair is okay. But I like Eliwood's more._

_Friend: Eliwood is a loser!_

_Kender: Oh no-- you did NOT just say that, fool!_

_Friend: But do you know who has the best hair?_

_Kender: Who?_

_Friend: Wallace._

_Kender: YOU KNOW IT! Wallace has the coolest hair EVER._

_Hehe…believe it or not, a friend and I actually did have this conversation…_

_**CHAPTER FOURTEEN—EEEVILLL**_

"What do _you _wanna do?" asked Ephidel, absentmindedly tossing Nergal's Tennis Ball of Doom to Zoldam, who was sitting on the floor opposite him in Nergal's Fortress.

Zoldam tossed it back, bored. "I dunno, what do _you _wanna do?"

Ephidel tossed it to Zoldam again. "I dunno, what do _you _wanna do?"

"I dunno, what do _you _wanna do?"

"I dunno, what do _you _wanna do?"

"I dunno, what do—"

"Oh my gosh, will you two just SHUT UP?" screeched Limstella. "You sound like Denning!"

Ephidel and Zoldam looked at her blankly before telling her at the same time,

"Your _mom_ sounds like Denning."

Limstella growled in frusturation and left, slamming the door behind her.

Ephidel threw the Tennis Ball of Doom after her, making a huge charred spot on the door.

"Woah!" said Zoldam. "What was THAT?"

"Nergal's Tennis Ball of Doom," said Ephidel tiredly. "His latest model. First was the Ping-pong ball of Doom. Nergal made a mess with it. I had to clean it up. Then came the Football of Doom. Nergal made a mess with it. I had to clean it up. That one was especially bad, actually, because you could spiral it to give it more force…"

Zoldam raised his eyebrows—not that anyone could tell, because he wore his stupid hood down so low. "You had to clean up _all_ these messes?"

"Yup." Ephidel scowled.

There was a long silence before Zoldam quietly asked, "Are you going to clean up the Tennis Ball of Doom mess, too?"

Ephidel glared at the scorched door defiantly. "Nope. I'm sick of cleaning up Nergal's messes. I'm not going to do it again! Never! You can't make me!"

Denning opened the ruined door. "This is a message from Lord Nergal…clean it up."

Ephidel ducked his head. "Yes sir," he said meekly.

* * *

Linus sat in a huge chair, facing the window, of the dark, rather Italian-looking office room. The immense back of the chair fixed Random Bandit Number 23 with a distant, leather silence. Random Bandit Number 23 trembled nervously.

"S-sir…permission to speak?"

"Go ahead," came the voice from the unseen figure in the chair, cold and uncaring. "What news do you bring me?"

"Um..s-sir, the plan with Karel…f-failed," Random Bandit Number 23 choked out. "H-he's been locked up…no good guy has been s-seriously injured…"

"Very well."

Random Bandit Number 23, though rather thick-headed, could sense that Linus was displeased. "I-I had nothing to d-do with this, mind, I only report…" he added worriedly, glancing around the Italian-décor room for an escape route.

Linus smirked, though Random Bandit Number 23 couldn't see. "I see. At least you have done your job…which is more than _others _like yourself can say…"

Linus' voice reminded Random Bandit Number 23 of a sword being sharpened. He shivered.

"Tell me," Linus continued, "What is your name?"

"L-Luke, sir."

"Luke? Well then. I have something to tell you." Linus spun the chair around to face the bandit, his fingers steepled. "Luke…I AM YOUR GODFATHER!"

"NOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo!" screamed Luke, sinking to his knees.

The door to the Italian office opened and Lloyd stepped in, rolling his eyes. "Linus, are you pretending you own the Mafia again?"

"No…" Linus lied, quickly stuffing a box of biscotti (1) into a drawer.

Lloyd sighed tiredly. "Go," he ordered Luke. Luke didn't need to be told twice—he dashed out of the office as fast as his legs would take him.

"What're you doing here, anyway?" Linus asked his brother, scowling. "Weren't you supposed to be finding Jaffar, Legault, and Nino?"

"They've deserted," Lloyd said, shrugging.

"WHAT?"

"They're good guys now. I suspect Ephidel will be the next to go, he's got that freaky redundant thing with the tactician…"

"No!" Linus yelled, outraged. "This can't happen! We need to go out and bring them back to our side!"

"We can't now."

"Why NOT?"

Lloyd sighed again, this time as if in pain. "Nergal's called a meeting."

"Oh Elimine, no," Linus moaned, slamming his head onto the huge oak Italian-crafted desk.

"Sorry…we don't have a choice. This IS Nergal we're talking about."

"Exactly," Linus muttered, standing. "Okay, so what's this dumb meeting about?"

"How am I supposed to know? This IS Nergal we're talking about."

"Fine, fine. So when's this meeting? An hour? Two hours?"

"About thirty seconds."

"WHAT?"

"This IS Nergal we're talking about. Come on…we'd better get to the main hall."

"Great," Linus muttered. He watched Lloyd walk out the door, then quickly took out the biscotti, shoved it in his pocket, and followed.

* * *

Nergal angrily clucked his tongue. Every villain under his command was gathered in the Auditorium of Evil. It had previously only been used for torturing good guys in front of large audiences (and the occasional orchestra concert or piccolo solo (2) ), but now Nergal had to make a Special Announcement. With capital letters, and all that.

"Slaves!" he roared, trying to get their attention. All of the generic soldiers in the last rows were trying to spear each other, Sonia was sticking pins into a little voodoo doll of a mage with green hair, Uhai was trying to shoot his bow at Jasmine and Paul (Nergal shuddered—those two scared him), and Linus was sobbing as Lloyd slashed a box of Italian cookies to ribbons with his sword.

Nergal tried pleading. "If you be quiet I'll give you all bonuses!"

Nergal tried threatening. "If you don't be quiet I'm going to fire you all! And then kill you!"

Nergal tried threatening AND pleading. "If you be quiet then you get a cookie or else you'll never see the light again unless you listen for cookies and I'll you're fire you with fire and steak and…uh…wait………………what?"

Nergal decided that didn't work.

Finally he ended up bellowing "GESPENST!" at the top of his lungs and blowing up the first two rows of generic bandits. A hush fell over the room, broken only when Zoldam began clapping, appreciative of the use of such a dark spell.

"Finally," Nergal growled. "Now, I want all of you to listen, and listen good! I…….have an idea!" He threw out his arms dramatically.

"Wonderful," said Limstella.

"Nothing is wonderful…" said Ephidel miserably, looking at her. She was sitting right beside him. Of course. Della's Redundant Yet Clever Grand Master Scheme-or-Other worked against Sain, why didn't his work against Limstella?

Oh. That's right. Eliwood gave people cookies, and Sonia just…slapped people. Ephidel was starting to wonder if he should pretend to like Ursula instead when Nergal began talking again.

"And I'm sure you all want to know what this idea is!" Nergal looked straight at one of the bandits in the third row. "RIGHT?"

"Right!" said the bandit, proud that he knew how to respond.

"WRONG!" screamed Nergal, whipping out a Luna and blowing the man to smithereens. He faced the crowd, furious. "None of you want to find out my idea! You all are my slaves, you are going to do my bidding without question! RIGHT?" he yelled to another random soldier.

"Uh…right," said the soldier hesitantly.

"NO! WRONG!" Nergal bellowed, using a Bolting on him. "It is not enough to just do what I ask of you! You must do it WITHOUT knowing what you are truly doing, and I shall easily manipulate you because of your naivety! That is how good cronies should act! RIGHT?"

Nobody was sure how to respond. Everyone went dead silent. Nergal scowled, deciding to answer his own question.

"Yes. That's right. Now…you all are dismissed. You are going to leave and just go about your merry ways. Right?" he sweetly asked an archer.

"Um…wrong," said the archer. "We're going to go about our merry ways…and…um…we're going to wait for our superiors to tell us what to do to aid you in your plan that we're not going to know about."

"That's…that's right!" said Nergal. Then he smiled an Evil Smile. "But you took too long answering. DIE, FOOL!" He blew the archer up. He only had to use a Flux. Hehe, stupid archers. "Alright! You all are dismissed!"

Slowly, cautiously, everyone stood up…slowly walked down the aisles of the auditorium…and then ran for their lives out of the room.

"Wait!" barked Nergal to the people sitting in the front rows. "Ursula, Uhai, Marquess Laus, Limstella, Ephidel, Linus, Lloyd, Sonia, and you Stupid Annoying Bishop Guy (3)! I need all of you to stay!"

His ten servants sat back down in their chairs. Then Ephidel stood up and picked a seat very far away from Limstella.

"Ephidel!" snapped Nergal. "Get back in your seat."

"But Master, she tried to hold my hand! It was ICKY!"

Nergal hit him with a Nosferatu.

"OW! What was that for?"

"For being stupid. Get back in your seat. And don't think about moving to the back row—I still have four uses left in my Bolting."

Ephidel scowled and moved back to Limstella.

"You're so cute when you're trying to be coy!" she said, hugging him.

"KENDER!" screamed the morph, "PLEASE JUST PUT HER BACK IN CHARACTER!"

"No, don't!" yelled Linus, grinning. "This is hilarious!"

"QUIET!" roared Nergal. "All of you!" He began to pace back and forth on the stage. "You ten are my most trusted and annoyingly strong servants. In fact, I created almost half of you. And if someday a red-headed pansy and his army of ragamuffins should happen to defeat you non-morphs, I'm going to make newer, stronger morphs of you anyway, and you shall all protect me from said pansy and a really big archmage!"

His followers went pale. Nergal sighed.

"Oh please. It's not like that's actually going to happen."

There was a silence, which was broken when Ephidel screamed "IRONY!" and started laughing hysterically. Sonia slapped him.

* * *

_"Eliwood!" cried Hector, rushing into the throne room. "Ephidel told Della who told Erk who told Pricilla who told Serra who told Nino who told Jaffar who told Legault who told Matthew who told my brother who told me that Nergal just called you a pansy!"_

_Eliwood's lower lip trembled. "That man is so very mean to me…"_

_"It gets worse! He called your army a band of ragamuffins!"_

_"…So?"_

_"So, he called ME a ragamuffin!"_

_"…………….So?"_

_"He called Ninian a ragamuffin!" _

_Eliwood got to his feet. "No!"_

_"Yes! And get this—he called LUCIUS a ragamuffin!"_

_"THAT DASTARD!" screamed Eliwood, drawing his rapier and sprinting out that door. "HE SHALL BURN IN THE FIRES FROM WHICH HE CRAWLED!"

* * *

_

"Owww!" Ephidel whined to Sonia. "You're a meanie-head! I think I'm bleeding!"

Sonia slapped him again. "Suck it up!"

"Gee," said Ephidel sarcastically, fighting back tears, "Thanks, Sonia."

"Anytime," she told him. "Old habits die hard."

"I'M NOT DONE TALKING!" yelled Nergal. "Listen to me! Since you ten ARE my most trusted and annoyingly strong servants, I am going to tell you my Evil Plan!"

"Whoop-dee-doodly-doo," all the non-morphs muttered, as all the morphs yelled

"YAAAAAAAAY WE'RE SO LUCKY ALL HAIL MASTER NERGAL!"

"Right then," said Lloyd, "Tell us the plan."

Nergal struck a pose. "The plan is…….." He broke off there for a dramatic pause. He decided to hold it for the longest amount of time possible, to build up suspense.

After twenty-three minutes, Linus got bored.

"TELL US ALREADY!" he roared, leaping to his feet and drawing his sword.

"Fine." Nergal scowled. "Here is my Evil Plan. I shall create…A LINE OF SPORTING GOODS EQUIPMENT!"

Everyone froze. Nergal took advantage of that and launched into explanations.

"Alright, so I've already developed the Ping-pong Ball of Doom, the Football of Doom, the Christmas Ornament of Doom, and the Tennis Ball of Doom. Ephidel! Demonstrate the Tennis Ball of Doom!"

Ephidel sulkily threw the ball at Nergal's head. Nergal ducked, barely missing a nasty explosion, then narrowed his eye, whipped out a Softball of Doom, and chucked it at Ephidel.

"GAAAH!" the morph screamed as an explosion that broke the sound barrier swept over him.

"Alright…" said Lloyd slowly. "Um…we'd love to help you with this Plan, Nergal. It's very evil, and the like."

Nergal smirked. "Precisely. I shall release my line of sporting goods equipment, and the good guys will buy it all to play innocent games! Then they and their petty frivolity shall destroy themselves before they know what's going on! MUAHAHAHA!"

"It's a wonderful plan, Master Nergal," said Sonia, "but…what about Ephidel?" She looked over to where he and Limstella had been completely charred and knocked out.

Nergal shrugged. "That's just bad news, I guess."

"Bad news?" Uhai frowned. "In Sacae, we dwell only on good news."

"I have good news!" cried Nergal. "I don't have to put up with that whiney, out of character little brat! How's that for good news?"

"And I don't have to put up with Limstella!" said Sonia.

"And I don't have to waste my Lightning and so can use it some more on Matthew!" added the Stupid Annoying Bishop Guy.

Linus jumped to his feet. "AND I JUST SAVED A BUNCH OF MONEY ON MY CAR INSURANCE!"

Lloyd shook his head. "No, Linus…just no."

An awkward silence ensued.

It was broken when Ursula finally asked Nergal, "Okay…so why did you tell us this plan?"

Nergal shrugged. "I couldn't monologue about how evil I am to _myself_."

A murmur of agreement swept through the crowd of ten cronies. They're all bad guys, they know how it is.

"Okay," said Marquess Laus. "Now what do we do?"

Nergal grinned. "We are going to go decline our society into a wonderful place." He held up a few whips. "This place is called…Inhumanity."

"Yay!" cried the Stupid Annoying Bishop Guy. "I've always wanted to be a slave driver!" He grabbed a whip and ran from the room, and the others eagerly followed his example.

Nergal stood there, alone on the stage, for a moment. Then he threw back his head and bellowed,

_"MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"

* * *

_

"Hmm…" said Lloyd, narrowing his eyes in thought as he clutched his whip. "Something isn't right here…"

"What is it?" asked Linus. "All the generic bandits are in the manufacturing sweatshops, all the generic soldiers are on the assembly lines, and eight of The Ten Most Trusted And Annoyingly Strong Servants are here to whip people! What could possibly go wrong?"

Lloyd shrugged. "I don't know. I just feel…unnerved."

"Want some cannoli?" Linus asked, offering his brother a box of Italian pastries.

Angrily, Lloyd drew his sword and sliced the box in half. "LINUS! Stop with the Italian stuff! You're NOT Italian!"

"Well then what am I?" asked Linus, trying not to feel hurt now that all the cannoli was ruined. "I mean, I talk kind of like an American, but maybe I'm British because Eliwood and Canas are British…but then again, I could just be Lycian and we'll leave it at that…"

"You're Japanese, Linus," said Lloyd coldly. "You were invented in Japan."

"Your _mom _was invented in Japan," Linus muttered.

"You talkin' bout my mamma?" yelled Lloyd.

"My mamma _is_ yo' mamma, foo'!" Linus yelled back, grabbing his brother by the collar.

"SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU!" screeched Sonia, slapping them.

"Fine." Linus dropped Lloyd, and the blonde man straightened his collar. "But still, Sonia…something doesn't feel right." The swordsman tensed, listening to the air. "That's it! Footsteps, beyond the mass-producing factory door! They're headed towards us!"

"Could it be that some good guys have discovered The Plan?" asked Linus.

"I don't know," whispered Ursula.

The eight Most Trusted And Annoyingly Strong Servants waited together, trembling with fear and anticipation, waiting for the door to swing open. Finally it did! And they all saw something ABSO-FLIPPIN'-LUTELY—

--normal.

Ephidel and Limstella entered the room, and the Eight sighed with the anti-climacticness of it all.

"Stupid clerics," muttered Ephidel. "They walk sooooo slowly. I mean, if you've just been hit with a Softball of Doom, wouldn't you be in a lot of pain? Wouldn't you want some help, while you were _still alive to receive it?_"

"Phew," said Marquess Laus. "I'm just glad you and Limstella aren't good guys…I mean, all our weapons have been randomly discarded on the opposite side of the room, because we're powerful and cocky and so can pull stunts like that. But if we should happen to be taken by surprise—"

It was at that moment that Hector, Pent, Lucius, and a whole other good guys rushed in, taking The Ten Most Trusted And Annoyingly Strong completely by surprise.

* * *

Nergal paused from his Evil Laugh. "Hmm…why do I have the feeling that something amazingly ironic just happened?"

Suddenly a knight burst through the doors. He was wearing green armor and a bright red blanket tied around his shoulders like a cape. _(Like Pajama Sam! Okay, sorry, it just had to be done…)_

Nergal narrowed his eyes as the green-armored knight was followed by a red-armored knight, who looked fairly unhappy. Who were these freaks? Nergal just had to know.

"Hey!" he shouted. "Who are you freaks? And you're clearly good guys…so what the heck are you doing in the Auditorium of Evil?"

The green knight took a heroic stance, thrusting his finger into the air. "I am SUPER SAIN! And this is my side-kick…KENT-LAD!"

Kent shot Sain a reproachful look. "Sain. You are not a superhero. I am not your side-kick. And I REFUSE to be called 'Kent-lad'!"

Before Nergal had the chance to Evilly Raise an Eyebrow in Disgust and the Suppression of the Urge to Kill Them Both, Eliwood also burst through the doors and into the room.

"Oh great," said Nergal, rolling his eyes. "Who's this now?"

"I am—" Eliwood started to say, but Nergal interrupted him.

"Wait, wait, let me guess your superhero name! You are…Pansy Man!"

"No," said Eliwood, now irritated. "I am—"

"Oh, I know! You're The Incredible Jerk, Slayer of Ninians!"

If looks could kill, Nergal would be dead twice over. But since looks _couldn't _kill, Nergal decided to keep mocking Eliwood. After all, what are antagonists for?

"Oooh! I bet you and Hector and Lyn are the Fantastic Three! Flame on, pansy-boy!"

"No no no," Eliwood corrected. "To 'flame on' is Roy's job, because he has a sword a lot like mine only his is cooler because it has flames on it, and yet Roy is still not as cool as me, for I AM—"

"Really really angry?" Nergal finished.

Eliwood sighed. "No," he said softly, "Actually, I am really really sorry for you."

Nergal's jaw dropped. "You're SORRY for me? After I tried to kill you all and then openly mocked you in front of your whole ragamuffin army? What are you, some kind of weak little _girl _or something?" His whole face lit up. "Hey! I finally know who you are—you're WONDER WOMAN!"

"Alright, NOW I'm really really angry!" screamed Eliwood, drawing Durandal and charging Nergal. But before the lord could land one blow, Serra came out of nowhere, violently bashing Nergal on the head with her staff.

"I'LL SHOW YOU, YOU SEXIST CREEP!" she shrieked, along with a lot of other Swedish profanity that made Erk and Lucius cover their ears. She continued to try to smash Nergal's skull in with a healing device as Hector and the others entered, carrying The Ten Most Trusted And Annoyingly Strong Servants—all ten were bound and gagged.

THREE HOURS LATER

"Um…Serra?" said Hector. "Nergal's knocked out now. You can stop bashing him into the ground."

Serra wasn't listening. "DIE, FREAK!" she screamed to the unconscious Nergal, whacking him again and again.

THREE MORE HOURS LATER

"Die!" _Whack. _"Die!" _Whack. _"Die!" _Whack. _

"Are you quite finished?" asked Eliwood miserably. He felt more sorry for Nergal than ever. It was one thing to get pulverized by Marcus, or Pent, or even Lucius…but to get mercilessly beaten by a _cleric? _

Serra paused. "Umm…almost. DIE DIE DIE!" She smacked Nergal a couple more times, then stepped away from him, pleased with herself, and reported "Okay, I'm done!"

"Huzzah, we won!" said Canas. He looked over at Della, pleased. "And we did it without any direction at all! Aren't you proud of us, young tactician?"

"Ie!" she wailed. "No! Look what you did to Ephidel-chan! Dame desu, Canas-kun! DAME DESU!" The tactician ran to unbind the morph as Canas stood there and tried to understand Japanese. (4)

"No!" cried Wil. "She's freeing the prisoners! Someone, distract her!" The archer looked wildly around. "Heath! Do something stupid so she'll beat you up!"

"No way!" yelled Heath. "What, do you think I'm crazy? Besides, there's no way that skinny little tactician can catch me—" Heath cut himself off and watched, rather frightened, as Della slowly turned around and grinned at him.

"You challenged her," Pent muttered, shaking his head. "You _challenged _a _flutist. _Great going."

"Uh oh." Heath looked down at his wyvern. "Hyperion! Onward! Go!" He looked up, watching Della sprint towards him. "Come on, fly! Onward, Hyperion!"

The wyvern refused to move. Della leaped up, knocking Heath out of the saddle and grabbing the reins.

"Onward, Frilly Jimbob Sampson Ghee!" she cried. Frilly Jimbob Sampson Ghee sprang into the air, and Della whooped. "Yaaay! I just usurped a wyvern!"

"Stupid wyvern…" Heath muttered. "Stupid un-wickedtightandmanly name…"

"So…" said Eliwood slowly, rather disturbed. "Um…do we go home now?"

Marcus nodded, so all the good guys smiled and headed back to wherever "home" was.

"Fools…" spat Nergal, raising his bloodied head once they were gone. He smiled an Evil Smile. "Haven't they ever heard of sequels?"

* * *

_A/N: 1)It's so very sad…I actually don't like biscotti OR cannoli. My ancestors were Italian, too. I have shamed the biscotti-and-cannoli-creators! –sob!- _

_2) (I hope you caught the piccolo part, General Subwoofer!) _

_3) I couldn't remember the name of that stupid bishop, I just remembered that he was really really annoying and killed my Matthew, like, five times._

_4) Oh, and by the way—dame desu means "that's bad" in Japanese. And ie means "no". And for all those who don't know, Ephidel-chan is like saying "Ephidel-my-friend" and Canas-kun is roughly translated to "Canas-my-peer"._

_Anyway, this chapter was uber-fun to write. And although it's so very sad that the bad guys had to lose, come on—what's the point of having a Bad Guy Chapter if their evil plans aren't foiled by the heroic and cliché good guys?_

_Now, I know you are ALL going to review…_

_Nergal: (whips out Bolting) Yes, you all are…RIGHT? (Evil Smile)_


	15. Chapter 15! Vader Style

_A/N: It seems that some people thought that I was ending Huzzah! with that last chapter…well….YOU'RE ALL WRONG! MUAHAHAHA!_

_Eliwood: Kender…it might not be a good idea to put that so bluntly to the people kind enough to read your story…_

_Kender: Ah, Pansy Man's right. Sorry, y'all. Huzzah shall continue! And thank you to everyone who has read up to this point! _

**_CHAPTER FIFTEEN—VADER-STYLE_**

Pent, Erk, Nino, Lucius, Canas, and Della all sat up high in the branches of Crei.

"This is truly the perfect spot to study the world," said Pent.

"It's so high up!" agreed Nino. "Wheee!"

"I believe Crei is perfect for us magic users," Canas offered. "Isn't that right, young tactician?" The shaman did a double-take. "Young tactician! What are you doing here? You're not a magic user!"

Della scowled. "Crei is MY very best tree friend, I can visit him if I want to! What are YOU all doing up here?"

Pent shrugged. "I'm not sure. We were all randomly sitting up here and then I started talking about Louise, and then Canas began talking about his wife, and then Erk began complaining that he had no girlfriend…"

"Master!" cried Erk, turning bright red.

Della smiled an Evil Smile, making her look quite a bit like Ephidel. "No no, Erk…you can always have Serra…"

"NOOOOoooo!" Erk screamed, Darth Vader-style.

"Well if you don't like Serra, who do you like?" asked Nino.

"Well…" Erk said slowly, "I do think Priscilla is…very pretty…"

"NOOOOoooo!" cried Della, Darth Vader-style. "No Erk, not you too! You have gone to the dark side!"

"…What are you talking about?"

Della leapt to her feet, grabbing a branch so she wouldn't fall. "Priscilla! Everyone likes her! And even worse--she likes EVERYBODY!"

"What?"

"She likes you, Guy, Heath, Sain…she likes SAIN for crying out loud! And she's insanely jealous of Lucius, because she thinks her brother is in love with him!"

"Hear no evil!" Lucius screamed on the other side of the tree, covering his ears.

Erk cocked an eyebrow. "Lord Raven most certainly does _not _love Lucius. And if he did, why would Lady Priscilla care?"

"Because she likes RAVEN too!"

Erk's eyes turned into little X's and he fell over. Out of Crei. To the ground.

"I say, old chap…" Canas mumbled. "Ouch."

Della sighed. "I'll go get a cleric…but which one? Muahahahaha--Ah heck, I'll just go find Renault." She flipped herself out of the tree and walked away.

Pent, Canas, Lucius, and Nino waited there a while until they got bored. Then they all started playing "Light, Dark, Anima!"

"Light, Dark, Anima, SHOOT!" said Nino and Lucius, their hands clenched into fists. Then they both opened their fingers and sent a bolt of magic towards each other.

"Teehee!" Nino giggled as a Fire charred Lucius's robes. "Anima beats Light! I win!"

"No fair," Lucius complained. "I want to play against Canas!"

* * *

A bit farther away, the knights were having a bit more luck, just because they could use more than one weapon.

"Swords, Lances, Axes!" Sain and Kent yelled, rushing towards each other. Kent had a sword, Sain had a lance—and used it to poke Kent out of his saddle.

"NOOOOoooo!" cried the red knight Vader-style as he fell to the ground. He watched, dismayed, as Chivalry galloped away. "I lost again!"

"Partner, you know that Lances best Swords!"

"But do you have to use a lance _every time_?"

"Lances are KNIGHTLY!" Sain struck a heroic pose up on his horse. "Besides…I have to prove I'm all knightly and manly now. My ego has been destroyed."

"Because Lowen beat you up at the Dave Matthews Band concert?" Kent asked, picking himself up off the ground. "Because he said real men do not giggle?"

"I wasn't giggling! I was…chuckling! Sniggering! Chortling! Come on, get me a thesaurus and I'll go on!"

Kent sighed and shook his head, walking away.

"Hey, Kent!" Sain wheeled Maiden around to go chase after his partner. "Where are you going?"

"Chivalry ran away, I have to get her back before Ninian eats her like she ate Maiden…"

Sain's horse began to shiver uncontrollably at the mention of the dancer's name.

"Yeah," Sain reflected, "That was kind of creepy…but I want to play Swords Lances Axes again!"

"I'm sure Lowen will want to play…"

Sain paled. "You know what? I'm good. I think I'll go…hide from certain cavaliers." So off he went.

"What is this world coming to?" asked Isadora, riding up beside Kent and shaking her head. "SAIN is afraid of LOWEN?"

"Not Lowen with a sword," Kent told her, "Lowen with a _frying pan."_

Isadora shuddered. "Yup, that's pretty scary."

And then there was a long silence.

And like most long silences, this one was…pretty long.

And pretty silent.

……..

AND THEN A FLYING PURPLE HIPPO WEARING A TOP HAT CAME OUT OF NOWHERE AND ZOOMED AROUND IN THE SKY WHILE SHOOTING CLOUDS WITH A MARSHMELLOW GUN EXCEPT FOR THE CLOUDS HAD MACHINE GUNS AND SHOT IT BACK BUT IT DIDN'T DO ANYTHING BECAUSE FLYING PURPLE HIPPOS ARE BULLET-RESISTANT WHICH _EVERYONE _KNOWS!

…….

"…What just happened?" asked Kent.

"…I…don't…know…" Isadora answered slowly.

* * *

Hector stood up abruptly from his throne. "I'm telling you, Eliwood, something totally weird just happened."

"Yes," said Eliwood, "I felt it too."

"You don't think the bad guys are returning to power, do you?" Ninian asked tentatively.

"Of course not," Eliwood assured her, giving her a hug.

Hector rolled his eyes. "You idiot, why do you keep being so sappy? She's a FREAK. Why do you like her?"

"Because she has a wonderful personality," Eliwood retorted fiercely.

"OMG A GUY SAID 'PERSONALITY'!" the mob of Orlando Bloom Fangirls shrieked, rushing into the throne room and knocking Eliwood over while begging for his autograph.

"Oh no," said Hector, raising an eyebrow. "That's not stereotypical against guys at all…"

"And that isn't stereotypical of girls?" asked Della, pointing to the blonde, anorexic mob of fangirls.

"Della!" yelled Hector, jumping three feet into the air. "Sheesh, you need to walk louder or something…why do you sneak around like that?"

"Cuz Jaffar's mah homeboy."

"Don't say that ever again." Hector scowled and looked out towards Eliwood, portrayed as the only guy who knows the word 'personality'. "What's with all the stereotypes, eh?"

"It's not just against guys." Della smiled pleasantly. "Everyone is made fun of _equally!_"

Hector shook his head. "You are too weird…hey!" The lord looked around. "Where…where'd she go?"

Raven grinned menacingly and raised his sword. "I'll find her."

"RAVEN!" Hector jumped again. "Where did you come from?"

"The door. I just walked down the hall and you didn't notice."

"Why did you learn to walk so quietly, then?"

"Cuz Jaffar's mah homeboy."

Hector scowled. Then he noticed Raven's sizable sword. "Wait…you said you'd find Della. By 'find', did you mean 'chase her around and try to kill her'?

Raven shrugged. "Yeah, pretty much."

"You can't do that! She's the tactician! Without her, if we had to face Kenneth the Stupid Annoying Bishop Guy again we'd all DIE!"

From somewhere under a pile of fangirls, Eliwood yelled a Vader-style "NOOOOoooo!"

"See, Raven?" asked Hector. "Eliwood's your boss, and he does NOT want to face Kenneth the Stupid Annoying Bishop Guy without knowing what he's doing. And besides…with Della gone, Nino might want to be tactician again!"

"NOOOOoooo!" Raven screamed, sinking to his knees.

Hector smirked. "Exactly."

"What's Raven doing on the ground?" asked Legault.

Hector gave a start for the third time in five minutes. "Legault! Jeez, you all are going to give me a heart attack! I'll DIE!"

"It's only to be expected." Legault shrugged and then struck a totally gangsta pose. "Cuz Jaffar's mah homeboy."

"If I hear that one more time…" Hector growled.

"But Jaffar's my homeboy too!" chirped a voice at his elbow.

"Nils!" cried Hector. "Dagnabbit…where are y'all coming from?"

Nils started moonwalking like Michael Jackson. "Foshizzle, yo! Jaffar's mah homie G dawg man dude bro guy…uncle!"

The Orly fangirls momentarily stopped idolizing Eliwood to beat up Nils for such awful abuse of Gangsta-ism.

"Nils!" cried Ninian. "NOOOOoooo!"

"Nah," said Ephidel, popping up beside her. "That was more of a Luke Skywalker scream. You have to do the VADER scream."

"EPHIDEL!" cried Hector. All the people popping up around him finally took it's toll—the lord went into the fetal position and began sucking his thumb.

"Hector, you're embarrassing yourself," said Eliwood, trying to help his friend up.

Suddenly Kent's horse, Chivalry, galloped into the room. Amidst all the chaos, Ninian ate it.

"Woah…" said Hector, getting to his feet. "Was…was there just a horse in here?"

"No," said Ninian innocently.

Kent burst through the doors of the throne room. He didn't even see the mob of Orly fangirls, the bruised Nils or the ruffled Eliwood, or Hector or Legault or Raven or even Ephidel. All he saw was a lone horse shoe on the floor, and Ninian with her hands behind her back in her Sweet Innocent Helpless Dancer Girl pose.

Kent dropped to his knees.

"NOOOOOOooooooooo!"

* * *

_A/N: Yes, I most definitely have Star Wars on the brain. And for the record…if you try saying "Homie G dawg man dude bro guy…uncle" in public it earns you some weird looks. (grins) Sorry this chapter was a bit short, but here just seemed like a good place to end it. I wrote almost this entire thing in half an hour…I do believe I had one too many cookies. WHEEEEE!_


	16. Chapter 16! Toast and Toothpaste

_A/N: __Wow…and I thought my Christmas Arc had no plot! This arc takes the cake, I guess…I don't even know what to call it, it's so pointless. (Long silence)………………YAY! _

_When I'm writing this, usually I just get a brilliant idea and work with it…but I haven't seemed to have any lately. So suggestions are welcome!_

_**CHAPTER SIXTEEN—TOAST AND TOOTHPASTE**_

"In one corner!" Matthew yelled like a wrestling announcer from the top of Crei, "In one corner, weighing in at a total of 45 lbs, is A PEG RIDER!"

"HEY!" Farina screamed to the thief from the ground. "Don't start yelling out a woman's weight! It's impolite, you—" She let out a string of rather impolite words.

"And," Matthew continued, ignoring her, "The hypocrite peg is not worth her scarily low weight in gold, despite what _she_ thinks! Now…" he said hurriedly before she could throw a javelin at him, "In the other corner…weighing in at whatever a swordsman weighs…it's Raven!"

"Shut UP!" growled Raven. "Why are you up there commentating?"

"Band practice doesn't start 'till six," Matthew retorted. "I need something to amuse me. LET THE SHOWDOWN BEGIN!"

Farina and Raven decided to ignore Matthew and charge at each other. Lucius wasn't there to stop them, so they were sure that one of them would land a blow on the other…but when their weapons were inches away from each other Karel popped up between them.

"Where did you come from?" screeched Farina, sliding to a stop.

Karel shot her his trademark Mysterious Smirk. "Where did I NOT come from?"

"Where did your MOM not come from?" Farina shot back.

Matthew winced. "Karel, you got _served_."

"No one disses Karel!" cried the swordsmaster, drawing the Wo Dao.

"Why are you speaking in third person?" Raven asked skeptically. Karel turned on him, uttering his usual Mysterious Deranged Swordsman Quote:

"My sword wants a taste of your flesh!"

"You hear that, Raven?" called Matthew. "Karel's sword wants to EAT you!"

"…Which is only slightly creepy…" the mercenary muttered.

"Karel shall kill you all," Karel told the world, lapsing into third person again. "The only ones he shall spare are those too weak to fight for themselves…and anyone who might have a cooler sword."

"A challenge!" said Lyn enthusiastically, jumping out of nowhere in front of the swordsman. "I'll take you on! I've got the Manni Katti AND the Sol Katti!"

"Use the Sol Katti," cried Serra from up in Crei. "It looks better with your outfit!"

Matthew did a double-take. "_Where the heck did you come from_?" He looked down at the ground to see Jaffar magically appear in that assassin-like way of his. "Aha! What now, Karel? Jaffar has a Killing Edge!"

Everyone began to slowly back away from Jaffar…until Eliwood walked up, Durandal in hand.

"Hey," he said as he looked around, confused, "What's all the noise about? I heard people yelling."

All the sword-users took one look at Durandal, then hung their heads and walked away. You just can't compete with that.

Still, rather confused, Eliwood watched Serra try to hug Matthew, watched Matthew jump out of Crei, and watched Matthew land on the back of a galloping five-legged banana. The lord slowly turned around and walked away.

* * *

"They TIED me UP," Ephidel sniffed indignantly. "The good guys TIED ME UP! And then a catfish bit my arm off!" 

"Yes, and I'm sorry about that." Della cocked her head. "Are you okay?"

"_NO_, A CATFISH BIT MY ARM OFF!"

"WHAT? OMG! OMG! OMGOMGOMGOMGOM—wait. Ephidel…it's just hidden in your sleeve."

Ephidel pulled back his sleeve and examined his hand. "Oh…would you look at that!"

"Better NOW?"

"No! The good guys still tied me up! It hurt my feelings."

"Well what did you expect them to do? They're good guys, and you're a bad guy."

Ephidel pouted. "I…want…a cookie."

Suddenly Eliwood popped up out of nowhere, yelling "My cookie sense is tingling!"

"Oh please," said Hector, jumping up beside him and rolling his eyes. "You're going to go cookie-presenting to EPHIDEL?"

"I must be kind to everyone, Hector," Eliwood reminded him. "Even my enemies. I am Eliwood, remember?"

"You're Pansy Man," Hector snorted.

"And I am SUPER SAIN!" cried a new voice. Sain and his Pajama Sam cape flew into the room, pointing his lance towards Ephidel, who shrieked and teleported himself away.

Della scowled. "Aw great, now look what you did! You scared him!"

"I had to protect you from that inhuman monster, fair angel!" cried Sain. Della whimpered and hid behind Eliwood.

"Eliwood, Sain is scaring me again!"

Eliwood drew his rapier and shielded her from Sain's sight, and Hector groaned.

"Eliwood, are you going on the Chivalrous Protect-the-Child Tirade AGAIN?"

Della peered around Eliwood's shoulder and addressed Sain. "Yo…where's Kent? You two are never apart!"

Sain shrugged. "He went to go chase after Ninian."

"NO!" screamed Eliwood, pushing past Sain and running out the door.

"Not like _that_," said Sain exasperatedly, but it was too late. The green knight shrugged and untied the Pajama Sam Cape, since Ephidel was gone. "She ate his horse, that's all."

"Say WHA--?" cried Hector and Della at the same time.

Sain sighed. "It's a long, long story."

"Would you look at that!" exclaimed Della, pulling out a script and flipping through it. "It really IS a long story!"

"Let's just go get Eliwood," said Hector.

"Wait! The dragon-boy must come with us!" Della pulled Nils out of nowhere.

"Howdy!" the bard chirped, waving. While Hector and Sain stood, dumbfounded, Della and Nils ran out of the room. Cuz flutists are just slick like that.

* * *

On the other side of the grounds, Oscar from Path of Radiance randomly fell through a wormhole in the binary system, landing with a _thump! _in front of Lowen. 

And then they both proceeded to have a staring contest.

"Hmmm…" said Canas, walking past them. "What is wrong with this picture…?"

He was just on the verge of an amazing scientific breakthrough when a badminton birdie flew by and he skipped off to study it.

"Great," Wallace muttered, throwing his racquet to the ground. "The magic-user got our birdie."

Oswin sighed and started taking down the net. "Now we're NEVER going to get it back."

* * *

"MUAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Nergal, before doubling over coughing. 

"Master!" cried Limstella, rushing in. "Are you alright? Do you need a cleric?"

"NO!" Nergal screamed, his eyes widening. "No clerics! No clerics!"

Limstella sighed. "Forgive me, Master. I had forgotten your new phobia. I'll go get Ursula."

As the morph left, Nergal began his Evil Laugh again.

"MUAHAHA—ow, my ribs!" He winced.

"What's with the Evil Laugh?" asked Marquess Laus, walking in. "Do you have a new Evil Plan?"

"Of course!" Nergal held up a very innocent-looking device. "Behold the Badminton Birdie of DOOM!"

"That plan totally did not work," Linus informed him, slouching in the doorway.

"We didn't even try the Plan yet," Nergal reminded him. "Remember? They stopped us before we could fully go into action."

"But why would they stop us if they didn't know what we were up to?" asked Marquess Laus.

* * *

"Hey Legault…" asked Matthew suddenly, stopping in the middle of a guitar solo. "Why did we go beat up the Bad Guys again?" 

"…I dunno…" Legault answered. "I really don't! Do you know, Jaffar?"

Jaffar said nothing.

Legault shrugged. "So I guess none of us know."

Jaffar said nothing.

"Heck yes!" Matthew agreed. "Time for waffles!"

Legault sighed exasperatedly. "Must you two take a waffle break every thirty minutes?"

"Yeah!" Matthew pulled out the coolest, sleekest, most portable waffle-maker ever. "It gives me an excuse to use Toothpaste!"

"…You named your waffle-iron _Toothpaste?" _Legault asked, raising an eyebrow.

"What else was I going to call it? The Waffle-Iron 536? I mean, I know that's what it says on the box, but—"

"You _named _your _waffle-iron _TOOTHPASTE?"

"No, Della named it."

The world was just about to make sense when Della rushed in.

"Matthew, you got it all wrong! How many times do I have to tell you people? I don't name things, they already have names!"

"So…" Legault deducted slowly, "You talked to Matthew's waffle-iron."

"Duh."

"Della. Waffle irons are _inanimate objects."_

She just looked at him blankly.

"_That means they can't talk_!" Legault exploded.

Della just chuckled. "Don't be silly, Legault."

"I found Eliwood!" Nils reported, sticking his head into the room.

"Wheee, you rock, Nils!" cried Della. The two flutists ran away.

"Waffle break over," said Matthew, as he and Jaffar had somehow managed to avoid Legault and Della's whole conversation. The thief and the assassin started jammin', but Legault merely sat at his drum set, frozen in disbelief.

"A talking…waffle iron…named…Toothpaste…"

"Baka," snorted a man sitting in the corner of the room.

"Woah!" said Matthew. "Who are you?"

"I am Aoshi, and I shall be the greatest swordsman ever!" (He said this in his awesome Japanese voice, which basically only Matthew's waffle-iron understood.)

"Oh great," muttered Legault. "More Rurouni Kenshin stuff…"

"I'm not worried about Ruroken," said Matthew as Aoshi mysteriously and randomly disappeared. "What I don't understand is how Toothpaste understood that Japanese but I didn't! I mean, I _am _Japanese!"

Jaffar said nothing.

"Hey, you're right," said Matthew, looking at the sticker on Toothpaste. "Toothpaste is Chinese!"

"Chinese is different from Japanese—" Legault tried to point out, but Jaffar and Matthew didn't hear him. They were having another waffle break.

* * *

THUS FAR! 

Eliwood caught up with Kent, and everyone reading this leaned forward, ready for a bloody battle scene…

Except for that never happened, because Eliwood and Kent are both just so dang chivalrous. They ended up talking instead of fighting. Everything was going peacefully, and Eliwood and Kent were just beginning to understand the problem.

"So you see…I had no intention of courting Ninian," said Kent apologetically. "I just want my horse back."

Eliwood nodded. "I understand. I'll even help you get your horse back—it should be simple."

"Not really…" muttered Kent.

"Why not?"

"Because…because she ate it."

Eliwood's eyes flashed, all peace gone. "How dare you insult her!"

"No milord, it wasn't an insult, I just—"

"And you call yourself a knight, you vile fiend!" cried Eliwood, drawing Durandal.

"Lesson number one…" said Matthew as he leaned out the practice room window and watched the two redheads chase each other around. "Don't diss girls. Or say something that might in some weird way be interpreted as a diss. Especially if the girl you're talking about happens to be the girlfriend of your superior. Who happens to own a sword that's really really really big."

Jaffar said took a swipe at Matthew's head with his knife, which Matthew interpreted to mean _Get back to practicing, foo'._

"Alright, alright," the thief muttered, picking up his guitar. "Lesson number two…don't start commentating on the behavioral patterns of chivalrous redheads. Especially if you're in the middle of band practice with an assassin. Who happens to have a sword that's really really really sharp."

* * *

_A/N: That "The catfish bit my arm off" line is a major inside joke, so don't worry about that. :-P_

_Ooooh! Guess what I learned! Durandal is the name of the sword of Roland! Plus Ostia and Etruria were real places in ancient Italy (Gooo Italians!)…oh, and Nergal is the name of the Mesopotamian god of war and plague. Muahaha!_

_(laughs) I put the Waffle Iron named Toothpaste in there because my friend named Toothpaste got me a waffle-iron for Christmas (long long story). I love waffles! (Oh, and I had to put Aoshi in there…twas a request from Kemar. Btw, "baka" means "idiot".)_

_Oh yes, and I would like to thank Phoenix for the idea with Oscar and Lowen's staring contest :-)_


	17. Chapter 17! A Day of Disagreements

_A/N: Finally! I got some crazy ideas again! I was beginning to worry myself…what if I was actually turning SANE? That might bring upon the apocalypse of the chickens, or the Cuckoo's Revenge from Legend of Zelda or whatever it is!_

_Ah, but I digress. :-P_

**_CHAPTER SEVENTEEN—A DAY OF DISAGREEMENTS_**

"I totally want to play badminton again," said Wallace, sighing.

Oswin sighed too. "We can't…Canas took our birdie, remember? He'll be studying it for a hundred years before we get it back."

Wallace jumped up. "Then I say we go find a new birdie!"

Oswin looked at Wallace blankly. "Since when have YOU been able to find stuff?"

"Come on, it only took me seventy-five tries to find Caelin!" said Wallace, as if this was something to be proud of. A bandit began to sneak up behind the general, making no noise as he moved. Wallace continued talking. "Besides…farmers can navigate the land. I'm a farmer, I'm not really cut out for the warrior life…"

Without even looking behind him, Wallace flipped his spear around and stabbed the bandit, felling him with one quick, expert jab.

"Oh yeah…" said Oswin, looking at bandit slain by Wallace's mad fighting skillz. "You're totally a farmer…"

"So let's go find us a birdie!" yelled Wallace.

* * *

"Hello, Hubert!" chirped Nino, waving to the Pegasus. 

Hubert pawed the ground threateningly, trying to get Nino away from him. Bad memories of class-switching days…Nino was certainly NOT a good Peg Rider. She accidentally set him on fire when they were in the air, and then when Hubert tried to dive intoa fountain to stop the fire she decided to use thunder.

Water plus electricity equals BAD.

"Aw." Nino folded her arms and pouted. "Why don't you like me? I think you're just a grumpy old Pegasus who doesn't like anything."

Contrary to whatever Nino thought, Hubert liked many things. Pineapples, Della, Nils, pineapples, Lowen's horse (who could also fly), pineapples, charging into doors, flying through windows, Ephidel, pineapples, clouds, hippos…

Jaffar said nothing.

"I know," said Nino. "He's such a mean Pegasus. He acts like I scarred him for life, or something!"

Jaffar said nothing.

"Whaddaya mean water plus electricity equals BAD? That's totally not true!"

Jaffar said nothing.

"Its name is TOOTHPASTE? Wow! I totally want some waffles!"

Jaffar took her hand and led her away in search of Matthew's waffle iron.

* * *

"Alrighty then," said Heath, jumping off of his wyvern and pacing back and forth in front of Vaida, Florina, Fiora, and Farina. "We are the only flyers in this army. It is our job to train together, and to become the best we can be." 

He passed the Pegasus Sisters and their steeds, then came to a stop in front of Vaida. His jaw dropped as he realized she wasn't standing beside her wyvern.

"Vaida…what is THAT?"

"What's it look like?" Vaida snapped, patting her steed. "It's a flying purple hippo in a top hat with a marshmallow gun!"

Heath smacked his forehead. "Dear Elimine…please don't tell me that thing has a wicked tight and manly name. I would just DIE…"

"It's name is The Flying Purple Hippo In A Top Hat With A Marshmallow Gun," Vaida reported. "But I like to call him Tufiathwamug."

"That's definitely worse than a wicked tight and manly name," Heath moaned. "Vaida, how do you expect to ride that thing?" His face hardened. "I forbid you to ride it!"

"Hey!" she barked, aiming her spear at his throat. "The last time I checked, you were the wyvern RIDER and I was the wyvern LORD!"

"Fine," Heath muttered. He turned around to face the Pegasus Sisters. "All right…we'll start with flying drills. Why don't you three—"

"Who made you the leader?" snapped Farina.

"Well, this whole meeting was my idea—"

"Oh, that's it, is it? You wyvern riders are all so big-headed! You think you're the smartest ever!"

"No, I—"

"There you go denying it!" said Fiora, ready to go on a Chivalrous Tirade. "Have you no honor? You don't take responsibility for your actions!"

"You guys—"

"He called us _guys!" _said Farina indignantly. "Now Florina will have to be afraid of herself!"

"No, when I say 'guys' it's just a general term…"

"He's a sexist!" screamed Fiora, still on the Tirade. "How unjust!"

"That's it!" Farina yelled. "This totally means war! Pegasus Riders against Wyvern Riders!"

The three sisters flew off to commence forming battle plans, while Heath looked helplessly over to Vaida.

"I guess it's just you and me," he said miserably.

Vaida chuckled. "No no no. They said Pegs versus WYVERNS." She patted her flying purple hippo fondly before hopping on top of it and taking off. Heath sank to the ground, clutching at his green and white hair.

"NOOOOoooo!"

* * *

Kent ran around in circles, trying to escape Eliwood. It was in vain—there's no stopping the protagonist. Eliwood dove and tackled the knight to the ground. 

"Apologize, cur!" the lord growled.

"Forgive me, Lord Eliwood," said Kent, still trying to hold on to his calm, collected Kent-ness. "You must understand, I did not insult Ninian. She truly did eat Chivalry!"

"Are you saying she destroyed what we both believe in?" Eliwood cried. "Is that what you think?"

"No! My lord, Chivalry is the name of my _horse_!"

We're not quite sure where this argument would have gone, but it ended there as Raven rushed in.

"Is this a contest?" he asked. "I want to join, and prove how strong I am!"

"Sorry," said Eliwood, truly meaning it (Cuz he's just so dang polite). "You cannot join. I'm afraid this is a contest of strength between sword-wielding chivalrous redheads."

"So I can totally join!" said Raven. "I've got red hair…I've got a sword…"

"But you're not chivalrous," Kent pointed out. He would know, he's got the whole code memorized, from the third word of section A to the last sentence in paragraph 4 subsection E of chapter Y.

Seeing that as an insult, not as a comment from a guy who would totally know what chivalry is, Raven got mad.

"I challenge you!" he yelled to Kent.

Kent sighed. "I do not want to accept, but I fear the Code is clear at this point. I must fight you."

So Raven and Kent began to battle it out. Eliwood thought their fighting skills looked to be evenly matched until he remembered that Kent was just Kent and therefore couldn't be messed with. There was also the fact that Kent had a lance. The lord got tired of watching the knight and the mercenary, and so wandered off to find Ninian.

* * *

"Della!" yelled Farina, rushing into the room where Della and Nils were playing their flutes. Fiora and Florina instantly followed their sister. 

Della sighed impatiently. "You all know better than to interrupt a flute player! I was trying to sight read the works of Gianinni, which was impossible enough until you came in! What's going on?"

"We need battle tactics," said Farina, slamming her fist into her palm. "We've declared war upon the wyverns."

"Oooh, yay! An excuse to beat up Heath!" Della suddenly frowned. "But…I love Frilly Jimbob Sampson Ghee. You won't hurt HIM, will you?"

Before the Pegasus Sisters could answer, Heath rushed in.

"Della! I need battle tactics!"

Della rolled her eyes. "Oh dear…"

"No way!" screamed Farina. "She's OUR tactician!"

"She's going to be MY tactician!" Heath yelled back.

"The last time I checked, I was ELIWOOD'S tactician," Della pointed out. She whistled for Hubert, who crashed through the window, picked her and Nils up, and flew away.

"Aha!" said Fiora triumphantly. "She rides a Pegasus!"

"But s-she just said she l-loved Heath's w-wyvern," Florina stuttered out, the only voice of reason.

The flyers stood there a minute in silence, staring at each other.

Then they all sat down and waited for something interesting to happen.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the Bad Guy's Fortress, Lloyd and Linus were in a bit of a disagreement…in this day and age, known as the 'Yo mamma' joke fight. 

"Yo' mamma's so fat she had to get baptized at Sea World!" Lloyd yelled.

"Yeah? Well, yo' mamma's so fat that when she walks down the street in a yellow dress, people run after her screaming 'Taxi!'!"

"Well, yo' mamma's so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death!"

"Yo' mamma's so old Jurassic Park brought back memories!"

"Yo' mamma's so old she sat behind Jesus in third grade!"

"Yo' mamma's so broke, I stepped on a skateboard and she told me to get off the family car!"

"Yo' mamma's so fat she sat on a rainbow and Skittles popped out!"

"Yeah, well yo' mamma…"

Linus broke off as Sonia slowly rose up behind Lloyd. Looking very, very angry.

"My mamma's right behind me, isn't she?" asked Lloyd meekly.

"Brother…we're in trouble," Linus replied.

**We interrupt this highly climactic moment to bring you…**

**THE TRAVELS OF OSWIN AND WALLACE!**

"Found a birdie yet?" asked Oswin, looking around.

"Nope," said Wallace.

"…How about now?"

"Not yet."

"…Found a birdie yet?"

"Nope."

"……………………..How about now?"

"……………………No…"

**And now, back to…umm...where were we…?**

**You know what? Why don't I just get back to you on that?**

"Ummm…" said Oswin, looking uncertainly up at the sky, "…Where'd the announcer dude come from…?"

* * *

_A/N: Vaida's name for her flying purple hippo—Tufiathwamug—is just basically what you get when you try to shorten The Flying Purple Hippo In A Top Hat With A Marshmallow Gun to TFPHIATHWAMG and then try to pronounce it :-P. (And for the record...it totally IS impossible to sight read Gianinni...) Anyway...please review, orNils shall be forced to borrow my piccolo and play the HIGH HIGH C! MUAHAHAHA! _


	18. Chapter 18! Display of AntiPrep Weapon

_A/N: And here's chapter eighteen! Fun, fun stuff…this is so easy to write that I can do it even with all my mountains of homework. It's not English, it's defending the name of Tristram! It's not biology, it's compromising religion and Darwin! It's not geometry, it's an abyss of never-ending triangles of DOOM! High school...deep sigh._

_**CHAPTER EIGHTEEN—THE DISPLAY OF THE ANTI-PREP WEAPON**_

"In one corner!" yelled Matthew, "Weighing in at…umm…how much do you weigh, Heath?"

"What is with you?" Heath asked angrily. "Stop commentating!" He sat on one side of the room—on the other side, Farina and Fiora glared at the thief as Florina hid behind them.

"But I need a hobby!" Matthew protested. "Legault said so!"

"Being a British big-time manager gangsta cat-in-the-hat commentator does NOT count as finding a hobby!" Heath retorted.

Matthew stuck his tongue out. "You're a meanie-head!"

Heath closed his eyes, feeling a headache coming on. "Dear Elimine…am I the only sane one in this army?"

"LOOK! A BIRDIE!" screamed Oswin as he and Wallace ran by the room. Wallace looked down, searching the floor intently.

"WHERE?" he yelled desperately. "I DON'T SEE IT!"

Heath sighed. "I guess that's a 'yes'…"

* * *

"I challenge you AGAIN!" Raven roared.

Kent sighed. "Lord Raven…this is the fifty-third time. I do not believe you are going to beat me."

"Nonsense! Prepare yourself, heathen!" Raven threw himself at Kent, only to have Kent jab him with a lance and send him flying back to the ground.

"Weapons triangle," Kent reminded Raven gently.

"Triangles are made to be broken," Raven retorted firmly.

"You said it!" cried Della as she and Nils flew by on Hubert. "DOWN WITH GEOMETRY!"

"I challenge you AGAIN!" Raven told Kent.

"Woohoo!" said Matthew, popping up out of nowhere as all good thieves do. "In one corner…weighing in at whatever a swordsman weighs…it's Raven! And in the other corner is the fifty-fourth time champion, and the crowd's favorite…and Lady Lyn's favorite…KENT!"

"You are a thief," Kent told Matthew, blushing. "You are not a commentator. If you do not stay a thief, chaos may ensue again."

Raven shuddered. "Uhg…Nino tactician…"

Nino marched up to him. "You are not a very nice person, mister!"

"Yes, I know," said Raven, as if agreeing about the weather.

"Well…you…you'd better be nice! Or else!"

"Or else what?" Raven scoffed.

Jaffar slowly rose up behind Nino.

"Point taken," said Raven, running away.

Kent cocked his head. "I suppose the duels are done now…I must go get Chivalry back." He walked away in search of his horse as Nino, Jaffar, and Matthew left for band practice.

* * *

"We've got a nice little bunch here," said Legault approvingly in the practice room. "Jaffar's the lead singer, Matthew's on guitar, I've got drums and the Almighty Electric Flute, Nino hangs around us enough to be considered our manager, and Wil is our minimum wage roadie!"

Matthew cocked his head. "But…we've never actually gone on tour before. So what good is a roadie?"

Jaffar said nothing.

Legault's eyes widened. "Jaffar…say that again."

Jaffar said nothing.

"That's it!" cried Legault, jumping up.

Nino squealed. "You're a genius, Jaffar!"

"That is a good idea," Matthew agreed. He looked around at his fellow band members. "Alright…so we're going to go on tour?"

**We interrupt this highly climactic moment to bring you…**

**THE TRAVELS OF OSWIN AND WALLACE!**

**We find our heroes making a choice that will change their lives…**

"Pepperoni or cheese pizza?" asked Oswin.

Wallace frowned. "I like ham."

Hubert flew by so the two generals heard Nils cry,

"Green pepper and olives!"

"No, pineapples!" said Della, as Hubert whickered in agreement.

Wallace nodded. "Yeah, pineapple pizza works. Now…umm, now what do we do?"

The two stood there a moment, wondering how they knew what pizza was and realizing that they did not have a telephone nor did they know what a telephone was, so they couldn't order any.

"…Aren't we supposed to be looking for a badminton birdie?" Oswin asked.

"…Oh yeah."

**And now, back to our previously scheduled chaos. **

"Scheduled chaos?" asked Legault, looking up at the ceiling. "That's a bit of an oxymoron, isn't it?"

"You're mom's an oxymoron," Matthew retorted.

"Umm…" said Nino uncertainly, "Where'd the Announcer Dude come from?"

**We're going to forget any of this ever happened. **

Everyone fell silent. The Announcer Dude did not speak again.

"Phew," said Nino with a sigh. "I'm rather glad that's over."

"Yes," said Legault, still looking at the ceiling uncertainly. "That was rather unnerving."

"It was downright stupid," said Matthew.

**You're mom's downright stupid. **

"SHUT UP!" everyone yelled.

Except for Jaffar, or course.

* * *

"So…" said Lloyd cautiously, watching Sonia as she cornered he and Linus into a corner, "You shouldn't take offense at those yo mamma jokes, you know…because you're not our biological mother…honestly, I don't think you're biological at all, seeing as you're made of quintessence and some other stuff that I don't want to know about, therefore you have no DNA and therefore no genetic bases and therefore no genetic code and therefore no amino acids and therefore no proteins therefore making you unable to maintain homeostasis, meaning…YOU SHOULD NOT BE ALIVE!"

Lloyd pointed his finger in accusation at Sonia, caught up in the biology-ness of it all. Sonia narrowed her eyes.

"That sounds like a threat to me, boy."

"Lloyd…" Linus mumbled, "Just shut up. Quit while you're ahead. _Please."_

"_I will not be silent!_" cried Lloyd. "The truth shall be revealed! Science shall overcome everything! Like religion!"

"OH NO YOU DIDN'T!" Lucius screamed, running into the room and smacking Lloyd in the head with a staff he borrowed from Serra. Lloyd crumpled to the floor as Lucius smiled pleasantly, chirped "Hear no evil!", and skipped away.

* * *

Raven cocked his head. "Let me guess…Lucius just did something cool and then went and ruined it by being so monk-like."

"I don't care about what Lucius did!" cried Heath, on the verge of tearing out his green and white hair. "I've got an entire army of preppy Pegasus riders after me! And Vaida ditched me for that stupid hippo! I'm going to DIE!"

"You're all alone?" Raven asked.

Heath nodded miserably. "Of course. I mean, I could probably take Fiora and Farina, but Florina is just SCARY! She might look innocent, but she's eeeeeevvvilllll…"

Raven's eyes widened. "Did you say…Farina?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"I'm on your side, partner," said Raven, slinging his arm around Heath's shoulders. "It's you an' me now, okay?"

"You're helping me?" Heath was surprised. "Just like that?"

Raven shrugged. "I hate Farina. A lot. I'll be glad to help you shoot her down."

"You don't know what a gun is, silly!" said Nils as he danced by.

"Neither do you!" Raven retorted.

"Sure I do!" Nils stopped in his tracks. "I want an AK-47!" He held up a pretend gun and pretended to cock and fire it. "Chk chk…KABOOM!"

That accomplished, he smiled like the cute little boy he is and went on his way. Raven raised an eyebrow and didn't move for a while. Heath mounted Frilly Jimbob Sampson Ghee and went to go find a hiding spot, should the Pegasus Sisters attack.

* * *

"Finally!" Kent cried. He approached Ninian, gasping for breath. "I've run for such a long time, but I've caught up with you."

Eliwood nodded. "It's true. There is something he needs to talk to you about."

Ninian cocked her head. "W-what is it?"

"I do believe you ate my horse," Kent told her.

Ninian paled. "N-no!" she cried, obviously flustered. "I d-didn't, I don't eat horses! Humans don't eat horses!"

"But you're a dragon, so get over it!" Della yelled as Hubert swooped by.

"Nils!" Ninian wailed. "Why did you tell her?"

"WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM!" Nils yelled from Hubert, terrified of his sister's dragony wrath.

Eliwood stared at Ninian. "You…you're a dragon?"

"What took you so long?" Della hollered. "I had it figured out since the end of the Nabata Desert level!"

Ninian hid her face in her hands. "Please forgive me, Lord Eliwood! I didn't mean to lie to you! Now you won't love me and I'll go be emo in a corner all by myself!"

"I don't care what you are," Eliwood declared. "I love who you are, not what you might look like."

"OMG!" screamed the Orlando Bloom fangirls, rushing in to hug him and knocking him off his feet. "YOU'RE SO SWEET!"

"I see I've come at an awkward moment…" said Hector as he walked up. Kent looked tired, Ninian looked miserable, Della and Nils were discussing American policies of witness protection, and Eliwood was buried under a pile of girls.

"Help…me…" the redheaded lord choked, trying to claw his way out.

"Yup," said Della, "Blondes are pretty darn freaky, aren't they?"

"HEAR NO EVIL!" Lucius yelled, running past as he covered his ears. Della just gestured towards him.

"My point proven."

"Don't prove points, HELP ME!" Eliwood pleaded.

"Oh, okay." Della pulled a football from behind her back. "Beware the ultimate anti-prep weapon! Go long!"

"What?" Eliwood asked. Della passed the ball to Nils, who threw it down. Eliwood caught it. The fangirls instantly recoiled.

"EWWW! FOOTBALL!"

"You don't like football?" asked Nils. "Well…we can go find snakes!"

"And play video games!" chirped Della.

"EWW!"

All the Orly fangirls ran away, disgusted with the un-girliness of it all.

"You're being stereotypical again!" Hector called up to the tactician—but she and Nils (or should we say Paco van Vaulkenburg…) had already gone.

"Oh…" said Ninian, trying hard not to cry, "I'm so upset! Nils wasn't supposed to tell anyone I'm a dragon! And now he's gone off to change his name to a weird mixture of Spanish nicknames and something German-y, and I'll never see him again!"

"You still have me," Eliwood offered.

"NO!" the fangirls yelled, running back, grabbing him, and dragging him off. "He's ours! He's too hot to belong to a dragon chick!"

"I…did not just hear that…" Hector said slowly. Ninian ran away to go cry, having no brother or boyfriend. Kent just stood there a minute, feeling very sorry for himself.

"…Can I _please _just get my horse back?"

* * *

_A/N: I'm not quite sure why Matthew keeps jumping around to do whatever he wants to do…but that's just how he is, I guess. Ooh, and Oswin and Wallace's "LOOK! A BIRDIE!" thing is an inside joke…just as their cheese vs. ham pizza is a spin off of another joke. And Lloyd's rant is proof that I like biology just a little too much. And yes, I did pull the name Paco van Vaulkenburg out of thin air. I didn't even have any cookies, that time! _

_Ok…well, please review, or else Ninian's dragony wrath will put you in the same boat as Nils!_

_Nils: (pops up in red, white, and blue top hat and points finger) We want YOU in the Witness Protection Program!_


	19. Chapter 19! Rocks and Explosions

_A/N: HA! OVER TWO HUNDRED REVIEWS! I absolutely cannot believe it…this story has two hundred reviews (and it somehow got into a C2 community, though I have no idea how…)! This is amazing, to me! Thanks sooo much…I luff you all:-D _

_**CHAPTER NINETEEN—ROCKS AND EXPLOSIONS**_

"On tour, baby!" Matthew cried in a gleeful British accent as he slipped on a pair of sunglasses. Jaffar wordlessly did the same.

Legault scowled. "Matthew…why can't I have sunglasses? You wouldn't let me wear any the last time you did this, either!"

"It's all show buisiness," said Matthew, still in the British accent, waving his hand as if to wave Legault's concerns away. "If you're not hot…you don't get sunglasses."

Legault raised an eyebrow. "So Nino is hot?"

A shades-wearing Nino waved and grinned. Matthew did a double-take.

"Hey!" he cried, "You can't wear those!" He snatched them off her face and put them on his forehead, directly above the first pair he wore.

Legault cried out despairingly. "Why can't I have just ONE pair?"

"You're the drummer. You can't have sunglasses."

"Fine," Legault retorted angrily. "Than I shall summon the power of the Almighty Electric Flute and—!"

He was cut off as Jaffar shot them both a Death Glare, as if to tell them to stop fooling around. And he said nothing.

"Jaffar wants to know where you all plan to go on tour," Nino reported.

"I _know _he said," said Matthew indignantly. "I could hear him perfectly clearly, thank you very much."

"We're going to Ilia," Legault answerered Nino. "And Nabata, and the Dread Isle if we can book tickets early enough…oh, we'll probably go to Ostia…"

"Ostia sounds nice," said Nino.

"Oh, it's very nice!" said Matthew. "It's much more awesome than it is over here."

Nino looked around her. "Hmm…where _are _we, anyway?"

"In the Random Castle in the Middle of Nowhere Where Every Character Seems to Be!" said Wil, putting down a heavy amp for just a minute so he could talk. "Except for the bad guys, who are usually in the Bad Guy's Fortress, which is over there." He pointed to the horizon as he leaned on the amp, taking a much-needed break.

Legault turned on him furiously. "Did I say you could stop working, slave?"

"I'm not a slave!" the archer protested.

"That's just what Elvis Presly said," Legault returned contemptuously.

"He never said that. And he wasn't a slave, either!"

"Silence, indentured servant!" Legault roared, trying to make a compromise.

"I'm not an indentured—"

Too late. Legault had forgotten about Wil and had turned to converse with Matthew (who was still wearing two pairs of sunglasses) and Jaffar.

And then a meteor streaked through the sky, headed right towards them all!

**We interrupt this climactic moment for…**

**THE TRAVELS OF OSWIN AND WALLACE!**

**We find out heroes in a very Indiana Jones-like moment…deep within some Aztec cave wearing khaki hats and slowly approaching a stand upon which is seated an ancient badminton birdie. **

"Can it be?" Oswin whispered.

"It is!" said Wallace. He made to go grab the birdie, but Oswin stopped him.

"No…it might be a trap. If we lift it, a giant ball might come out of nowhere and we'll have to run through this whole place to escape in the nick of time."

Wallace snorted. "Please…a badminton birdie doesn't even weigh anything! It can't be booby-trapped." With that, the general plucked the birdie off of the stand.

And the ground began to tremble and a giant rock ball came rolling out of nowhere.

Oswin scowled but both generals stood their ground. Firstly because Oswin just cannot be messed with or defeated by anything, and secondly because Wallace is Wallace and will therefore refuse to run away. They held the birdie between them, staring grimly at the rolling ball and waiting for the impact. It crashed against their armor, broke into itty-bitty shards, and the force of that propelled the shards up through the roof.

"Well, that was easy," said Oswin with a shrug. "Ready to go back and play badminton?"

"Is the patriarch a Roman Catholic?" Wallace asked, chuckling.

Oswin raised an eyebrow. "Actually…the patriarch is Eastern Orthodox. The POPE is Roman Catholic."

"Shut up and let's play some lawn sports," Wallace mumbled sheepishly.

The two generals walked away and a sinister turban-wearing figure watched from the shadows.

"Ha!" Nergal cackled. "Those fools bought it! Now they shall destroy themselves…with my Bandminton Birdie of DOOM! MUAHAHAHAHA!"

Oswin paused. "…Did you hear something?"

Wallace put his hand over his heart. "No…but I do sense a cruel, cruel irony."

**And now, back to the cataclysmic event about todestroy the Dave Matthew's Band.**

"Who is this mysterious announcer dude?" Nino shrieked.

"Forget about him!" Matthew yelled, dropping the British accent and pointing to the sky. "That meteor is going to kill us all!"

"Where did it come from?" asked Legault fearfully.

* * *

Meanwhile, Athos stood on the roof of the castle, his staff raised as he used a Forblaze. Thus summoning a giant flaming meteor. 

"That'll teach those no-good punk hooligans to quit playing their dag-gone rock music during all hours of the night."

"Athos!" cried Eliwood, clawing himself up to the roof. "Please, I beg of you, don't do it!"

"Those hooligans must be taught a lesson."

"Don't kill them! You'll be stooping to the same level as Nergal!"

"If he became evil from listening to boy band music, then I am completely joining his side," said Athos. "And don't think I've forgotten about you and young Lord Hector and your little 'Annoy the Old Guy' escapade…"

"Please forgive us, Athos," said Eliwood, dropping to his knees. "And please spare Matthew and his band! They give so much joy to the army!"

Athos hesitated. The meteor froze in midair. The archsage turned to Eliwood. "What are you doing up here on the roof anyway, son of Roland?"

"Hiding." Eliwood hugged his knees and rocked back and forth, whispering "So many fangirls…"

"Ah, the blonde daughters of evil!" Athos frowned. "They must be stopped. They shall not scare a son of Roland."

* * *

High up in the clouds, Della and Paco Van Vaulkenburg flew Hubert and looked down on Eliwood and Athos. 

"It's the darndest thing," said Della cheerfully. "Durandal is actually the name of the sword of Roland in the real life legend involving Charlemagne! How's that for irony?"

"That's pretty nifty," said Paco Van Vaulkenburg. Della grinned at the dragon boy.

"So, how'd you like witness protection?"

"It was cool," said Paco. "All those men wearing sunglasses…I want a pair, too!"

"I'll get you some later."

"Okay, thanks!"

The two flute players flew along in silence.

Finally Paco turned to Della and asked, "…Can we get back to the story now?"

Della shrugged. "Sure, why not."

**And now, back to the story.**

"You know what?" Della asked, looking up at the sky, "That Announcer Dude really is getting annoying."

"Who is he, anyway?" asked Paco Van Vaulkenburg.

Della frowned. "I…don't…know. You know what this calls for?"

"Jawbreakers and gummy bears?" asked Paco, pulling bags of candy out of nowhere.

"No…a Noble Quest!...And THEN jawbreakers and gummy bears!" The tactician snatched the candy away from the dragon boy and Hubert began to swoop for the ground. "And Canas absolutely MUST come along..."

* * *

Kent opened another door in the castle and peered inside. It was empty. The red knight sighed. 

"Ninian isn't in here, either…what am I going to do? I do so dearly miss Chivalry…" The red knight went and stared glumly out the window. Suddenly he gave a start. "Elimine! There's…there's a meteor suspended in the sky!"

"EGAD!" cried Sain, running up to his partner's side to join him in staring at the sky. "How did it get there? And how is it just frozen there?"

"By now, I am so past caring," Kent answered, turning away from the window in disgust. "I just want my horse back. How can I be a cavalier without a horse?"

"Yeah…" Sain mused. "A cavalier without a horse is just…just a soldier! HAHA, GENERIC SOLDIER!" the green knight laughed, pointing at Kent.

"Stop it!" Kent scolded. "I'm too cool to be a generic bad guy! I'm a chivalrous sword-weilding red-headed knight!"

Sain sighed. "Darn it. Well, I guess I'll go make fun of other people then." So off he went. Kent continued to look around the castle. He found Dart and Hector locked in a "who's axe is bigger and cooler?" contest, Vaida feeding a flying purple hippo in a top hat, and a room full of fangirls desperately searching, no doubt, for Lord Eliwood. Finally, he turned a corner and caught sight of Ninian.

"Please!" Kent called, running towards her. "Please, Ninian, give me my horse back!"

"Oh, Kent!" she said as she turned to face him. "You don't need to worry…I…well, I burped your horse back up." She blushed, as that was such an unlady-like thing to do.

"Thank you! Now…where is it? Where can I find it?"

"It should be outside," Ninian informed him. Kent thanked her once more and sprinted outside. Ninian continued to go mope around and be a brother-less and boyfriend-less emo.

* * *

"Yo!" Raven yelled angrily. "Get over here!" 

"Are you talking to me?" Farina growled. "Are YOU talking to ME?"

"No, he's talking to Hawkeye!" shouted Heath sarcastically. "Of COURSE he's talking to you! Get your sisters over here—it's time to battle!"

Fiora and Florina appeared, spears in hand. Though Florina trembled, Fiora was completely ready to beat up un-chivalrous guys, and Farina was rearing to beat up _anyone. _The two sides, Pegasus Sisters versus Wyvern Rider and Raven, were just about to attack…when Lucius came running out of nowhere.

"Don't do it!" he cried, running between them and throwing out his arms. "I beg you, no more violence!"

"Get out of the way!" Raven snapped. "Shouldn't you be off putting on make-up or something?"

That stung Lucius, but he didn't show it. "Lord Raven, you know that terrible things happen to people who dare to diss the Lucius. And anyway…please, you all must not fight!" The monk was near tears now. "No good can come of this!"

"There is the good of beating up Raven," Farina informed him.

Lucius turned to her. "But you'll be causing him pain, Miss Farina! Would it _truly _make you happy to see him hurt, deep down inside?"

"Yes," Farina answered steadfastly. Lucius sighed, his moment having been ruined.

"I told you," Raven said, "get out of the way, Lucius!"

"I can't! I can't let you all fight!"

"We're going to fight with or without you standing there," Raven retorted. With that, he and Heath began to rush for the Pegasus Sisters, who readied their spears for throwing.

"I SAID _STOP IT_!" Lucius screamed at the top of his lungs, blowing them all up with light magic. All five of them fell to the ground, charred and smoking. Lucius just smiled calmly, dusted off his hands, and walked away. And that was the end of that.

* * *

"Finally," said Oswin as he reverently set up the badminton net. "It is finally time to play." 

"Indeed." Wallace nodded solemnly. He hit the birdie to Oswin, who hit it back—but because he was Oswin and so dang strong, it went way over Wallace's head and soared to the horizon.

* * *

The Dave Matthew's Band was still frozen, staring up at the meteor in shock. Where did it come from? Why wasn't it falling? What was going on? 

Suddenly it disappeared before their eyes, since Athos was no longer performing the spell.

Legault heaved a huge sigh. "Whew! I think we're safe."

"Yes," said Nino, clasping her hands. "As safe as safe can be."

And just then, the Bandminton Birdie of Doom landed in their midst.

"…Oh crap," said Matthew, before it exploded.

* * *

"Wait," said Athos, outside of the room where all the fangirls were cloistered. "Before I battle them…there must be a moment of silence." 

"Why?" Eliwood asked, noting the archsage's sad face. "And…why do you have your hand over your heart like that?"

"I sense a cruel, cruel irony," Athos replied.

* * *

_A/N: Sorry…this one isn't very long and it took me forever to post, but that just seemed like the best place to end it. Good times with the irony…and you gotta love Lucius._

_Woo! So…I'll try to get the next chapter up soon…and please review, my wonderful wonderful reviewers:-D_


	20. Chapter 20! Quixotic

_A/N: Muahaha, chapter twenty! The big 2-0! Wow…this is pretty darn cool. (snaps fingers) Eliwood, give some cookies to the wonderful readers out there! While he's busy doing that, I have a question for you…is there a limit on the number of chapters a fanfic can have?_

_**CHAPTER TWENTY—QUIXOTIC**_

"A Noble Quest?" Canas asked excitedly. "Splendid! What for?"

"There's an annoying Announcer Dude," Paco Van Vaulkenburg reported. "We can't figure out where he's coming from or who he is."

"But he won't shut up!" wailed Della. Paco nodded.

"So that's why we have to find him!"

"Indeed," said Canas. "Let's be off right away, then!"

"I love magic-users," Della sighed happily. "It's always 'question this, question that, who what how why'…but when it comes to learning, it's like 'oh! Let's just randomly plunge into any dangerous adventure without knowing what's going on'!"

"Quite," said Pent, popping up next to them with Louise at his side. They were both dripping wet, Pent having whooshed them into a duck pond earlier.

"You all are coming along?" Canas asked, mounting Hubert. "Splendid!"

Paco frowned, worried. "But…there's no way that Hubert can carry five people. He shouldn't even be able to carry three!"

"All things are possible when you play a flute, young padowan," Della told him. She looked to Louise and Pent. "Still…I don't think Hubert would _like_ to carry five people around."

"And I can't whoosh Louise and I to wherever we're Questing to," said Pent, very disappointed. "What fun would that be?"

Della grinned. "Aha! If I do recall…Vaida isn't using her wyvern right now."

"Wonderful!" cried Pent. "I've always wanted to ride a wyvern!"

"Now how to catch it…" Canas wondered aloud.

Della chuckled. "You don't catch it…you call it!" She turned her voice to the sky and hollered, "UMBRION!"

Vaida's wyvern instantly swooped down and landed beside Pent and Louise with a rush of wind. Paco just stared at Della a moment, deep in thought.

"Wut up, dragon boy?" she asked.

"Oh, nothing…it's just…that wyvern's name. I was expecting something…more."

"Like Umbrion Foggy Skootaloopindrome?"

Paco's eyes widened. "Yeah. That's right."

"Sorry." Della shrugged. "It's just plain old 'Umbrion'."

* * *

Heath sneezed.

"Ouch. Someone dissed you," Raven reported, his arm in a sling from the Lucius Attack that happened a bit ago.

"No…" Heath mused. "It was not a diss…but…I do feel as if I'm being mocked _somehow…"

* * *

_

"It is now time to engage in battle," said Athos gravely.

"Alright," said Eliwood. He peered nervously around the doorpost at the room of rabid fangirls. "Normally I would be much too gentle to consent to this…but desperate times call for desperate measures."

"All fighting is desperate," said Athos regretfully. "But now is not the time to worry about things. Now is the time….TO BATTLE!"

And with that cry echoing awesomely around, the archsage ran into the room and started Forblazing every fangirl in sight. One got Forblazed right in the face, melting all her make-up and singing her blonde hair.

**Boom! **said the Mysterious Announcer Dude. **HEADSHOT.**

The voice echoed around and Eliwood looked up at the ceiling, wondering where it was coming from and why everything was suddenly echoing and moving in slow motion. Athos continued to engage the fangirls in fierce and unequal combat, and the Announcer Dude commentated on every one he obliterated.

**Kill. Double kill—triple kil—mega ki—Mo-mo-mo-MONSTER KILL (kill, kill, kill…) **

Suddenly Athos's Forblaze broke. While he rummaged through his pockets for his Aureola, an especially fierce girl rushed him and tried to tackle him. Athos merely pushed her away with his huge hand (have you realized how much bigger his battle animation character is than everyone else's?).

**You were BEAT DOWN by Athos (Athos, Athos, Athos…). **

Athos found the Aureola.

**You were killed by Athos (Athos, Athos…). You were assassinated by Athos (Athos, Athos…)

* * *

**

Jaffar said nothing.

"Yeah…I hear it too," said Matthew. "That stupid annoying jerk is taking my commentating job! He shall burn in the fires from which he crawled—oh Elimine, my arm…"The charred and dirtythief tried to get to his feet but failed. Legault lay unconscious a few feet away.

Jaffar stood up as if he hadn't just been blown up and said nothing.

"It's okay," Nino told him, also miraculously unhurt as she slipped her hand into his. "We won't let Athos get away with taking your job, either."

* * *

THUS FAR!

Kent went outside to go find his horse since Ninian burped it up. He had looked practically everywhere but had yet to find it. However, he had seen quite a lot of fire coming from the castle and heard the Announcer Dude talking. He also saw a Wyvern and a Pegasus flying through the sky and gave a start as he remembered the Pegs/Wyverns war…until he remembered that the good monk Lucius had ended it and fellows of wing and phylum Chordata could fly together once more.

And then Chivalry galloped up behind him, grabbed the collar of his shirt in her teeth, and slung him onto her back.

"Chivalry!" he cried happily, hugging her around the neck. "Finally, I can be a real cavalier again!"

"So, what are you going to do next, Kent?" Sain asked cheerfully, galloping up beside his partner.

"I'm going to Disneyland!"

Sain rolled his eyes. "After that."

"Ah. Well…I'm going to ask Dorcas if I might borrow his axe. You and I are overdue for another game of Swords Lances Axes."

Sain wailed as his partner cantered off in search of Dorcas.

* * *

"Umm…how's it coming in there?" Eliwood asked hesitantly, peering into the room of Athos and fangirls. Athos stood in the center, blowing "**headshots**" left and right, yet somehow the girls kept coming.

"There are too many," the archsage said wearily.

**Your mom's too many (many, many…) **

"That made no sense!" the fangirls shrieked, turning their noses up in disgust. Athos took advantage of that to send another blast of light their way.

**You were assassinated by Athos (Athos, Athos…)

* * *

**

"I hear the voice!" Della cried.

"That's it!" agreed Paco.

"But where is it coming from?" asked Canas.

Pent pointed. "There! To the Random Castle in the Middle of Nowhere Where Every Character Seems to Be!"

* * *

Just when all seemed lost for Athos and Eliwood was about to risk his own life and leap into the fray to aid his friend (because he's so dang chivalrous)…a Pegasus crashed through the window! It was immediately followed by a Wyvern, and the two steeds dumped off their riders. The fangirls gulped. The awesome prowess of Pent, Canas, and Louise were bad enough…but the tactician and the dragon boy were grinning quite evilly and holding a football, a snake, and a very violent video game.

Thus began another epic battle…if you can call five Quixotic characters chasing after a stampede of fangirls retreating in a panic a "battle".

"Finally," said Athos, deeming it safe to drop to the ground.

"NOOOOOoooooo!" screamed Eliwood. "Athos!"

"I am not dying, Son of Roland."

"……..Oh."

"Anyway!" said Pent, looking up at the ceiling. "Now, you Announcer, or whoever you are…reveal yourself!"

**Never (never, never…)!**

"And stop with the echoing," Della added, rolling her eyes.

**Oh, fine. But I still shall not tell you who I am! MUAHAHAHAHA!" **

Della gasped. "Oh no…the Evil Laugh! Besides Nergal, I know only one other who is capable of so evilly laughing the Evil Laugh. He's mysterious…he's sinister…he's formidable…"

"Ephidel?" Paco guessed.

Della laughed. "Heck, no! It's…"

Just then, Louise pulled back the green curtain concealing a corner of the room that no one else had previously noticed since none of them had the common sense of a woman (or in Della's case, no common sense at all) revealing…Karel.

"Umm…pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!" he said nervously.

Della groaned with exasperation. "What, are you the Wizard of Oz now?"

"Ah," Canas realized aloud, "This is what all the 'blame Karel' fuss is about."

Pent moved over and held Karel's hands behind his back. "Goodness me…it seems as if he'll have to get locked up again. Louise and I will deliver him to Oswin and Wallace, shall we?"

Pent whooshed the three of them away and Athos left, leaving Eliwood, Paco, and Della alone.

"Huzzah," the tactician said cheerfully, putting her hands on her hips. "So, what do we do now, Paco?"

The dragon boy looked towards the door very fearfully. "Now we get that Aureola away from Ninian."

Sure enough, Ninian stood in the doorway, watching her brother as her grip tightened on the powerful spellbook. "Hello, Nils."

"My name is Paco van Vaulkenburg!" he whimpered, hiding behind Eliwood. "Please please please don't blow me up!"

"Don't do it, Ninian!" Della pleaded. "You don't know how to use that thing…you could kill us all!"

Ninian looked at her brother again, uncharacteristically malicious towards him and him alone—something all big sisters are good at. "Give me one reason why I shouldn't try."

"I have a reason!" Eliwood volunteered, but everyone ignored him.

"Umm…without me, Nino would have to be the tactician!"

Raven's scream wafted through the window.

Eliwood tried again. "Everyone, I have a—"

"Ooh!" Della said suddenly. "And Lyn would have to take Eliwood's place and wear…guy clothes!"

Sain and Kent were also heard screaming.

Eliwood began jumping up and down in a "hey everybody look at me" kind of way. Still, nobody seemed to see him. "Ninian, I don't care if you're a dragon—"

"And flute players are too cool to die!" Della added tearfully. "It would throw the world into a fiery apocalypse! And then…there would never be another story written where the main character is overshadowed!"

Ninian dropped the Aureola. Nils cheered. Eliwood continued to wave his arms around…but since the world didn't die, there was room for a story where the main character got overshadowed.

* * *

THUS FAR!

Ninian and Eliwood eventually ended up as an "item" again, Paco changed his name back to Nils, Oswin and Wallace gave up badminton and decided to try horse shoes instead, Kent—needless to say—did not let the two generals get even remotely close to Chivalry because of that, and…the Dave Matthew's Band finally decided to go on tour.

"How long will you be gone?" Erk asked Nino.

She grinned cheerfully. "Oh, I don't know. The laws of physics usually don't apply to anything, so it's hard to say! Not too terribly long, though."

"What will we ever do without the band?" Lowen asked sadly. "We'll get bored!"

Della put a hand on his shoulder and grinned evilly. "Why, my dear Lowen, you all know better than to let me get bored. If I do, then Red vs. Blue and Star Wars parody would ensue!"

"Hmm…" said Marcus skeptically. "I am not quite excited about the future, now…"

"Hear no evil," Lucius scolded, albeit happily.

* * *

_A/N: Hmm...yeah,I guess this wasn't a very funny chapter, especially if you've never played Halo 2. MayhapI'm learning too much...I did say "phylum chordata" somewhere in thischapter...AAAHHH!_

_And now for the random miscellaneous references I made…Pent and Louise in the beginning being "whooshed into a duck pond" was a reiteration of words spoken by Tasslehoff Burrfoot…whom I adore :-P. Secondly…yup yup yup, I did pull the name Foggy Skootaloopindrome out of thin air (no cookies this time…it was Easter candy). Thirdly…I'm sure everyone in the entire world who has ever played Halo 2 knows what I was trying to do with Athos's battle scene :-D…fourthly and lastly: this chapter's title, the term "quixotic characters", and the line about "fierce and unequal combat" all come from the awesome book Don Quixote, which I am reading for a book project. Perhaps it is just me and my whacked-out sense of humor, but I think that book is SO hilarious! I love Don Quixote, and if you like to go jousting windmills, then you should read it too. So anyway…yeah. (grins) Hopefully I'll have the next chapter up relatively soon._


	21. Chapter 21! Shades and Cinnamon Buns

_A/N: Once again I must apologize to you all for taking this long to update…my excuse is final exams and quarter exams and standards testing and end-of-the year projects. (Shiver) My teachers are going berserk! Eek! Anyway…on another random whim of mine I have started to turn everything into a star wars parody. (Egad!) _

_Oh, and I also need to say that in the last chapter I made the horrendous mistake of calling Vaida's wyvern Umbrion instead of Umbriel, it's true name. Sorry sorry sorry! Anyway, here's the new chapter. _

_**CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE—SHADES AND CINNAMON BUNS**_

"Faster!" Legault roared, cracking his whip.

"In three…two…one…" Wil muttered under his breath.

"You are my slave!" the thief cried.

Matthew rolled his eyes. "Oh, great job Wil. You must have psychic powers or something…you know, it's not as if Legault has been calling you his slave every two minutes and thirty-seven seconds or something…"

Jaffar held up a timer watch, revealing a time that flashed "2:38"

"Oh," said Matthew, "Excuse _me. _It's every two minutes and thirty-_eight_ seconds."

"It's okay," Wil mumbled to himself. "Just think about the gold, it'll all be worth it by the end of the day…SERRA!"

Because he was carrying about fifty feet of thick electrical cords in his hands he failed to see Serra until it was too late. He ran into her, getting both of them tangled up in the cords. As he fell to the ground, Wil landed on something hard and felt it snap. Serra, shrieking like a howler monkey, quickly untangled herself from the mess and jumped to her feet. Wil got up too, and Serra stared at whatever he had landed on in shock.

Her whole face went pale as she uttered quietly, "You…broke…my staff."

"What? Oh." Wil looked at the splintered healing staff. "I'm sorry, I—"

"You broke my staff!"

"I can replace it if you wa—"

"YOU BROKE MY STAFF! OHMIGOSH YOU JERK! I'M GONNA MAKE YOU PAY FOR THAT!"

"Ha! You're just a cleric! What makes you think you can take me?"

"TAKE you? I'll PUNISH you! I'll send you back to the fiery abyss from whence you came!"

"You wish, you little prep!"

"You…you…CAD!"

"Is that the best you can do? You really ARE pathetic!"

Serra turned bright red and her fists clenched at her sides. Will grabbed for his bow and nocked an arrow, aiming for the cleric. The two were about to go completely melee on each other when Matthew jumped between them.

He cried out, "No! Violence is not the answer!" Suddenly an evil grin spread across his face. "Violence is the _question…_the answer is 'yes'!"

With that, he jumped out of the line of fire and Wil and Serra began to pummel each other.

"…Since when have THOSE two been able to fight?" Nino asked, wrinkling her nose. "They're not those close rangy little…umm…thingies…sword guys…"

Jaffar said nothing.

"Oh, they're not _close-range combatants_!" Nino beamed. "That's the term I was looking for. Thank you, Jaffar."

"You know, you really are a bad tactician," Matthew informed her as he popped up beside her.

"Jaffaaaaaar," Nino whined, "Matthew's being mean to me!"

"I am not!" Matthew tried to protest, but when he looked over Jaffar's way, the assassin was already gone.

Matthew stared at Nino before asking her, "He just did that 'rise up behind me' thing, didn't he."

Nino grinned and nodded.

* * *

"I say…I do like this Wyvern," said Canas, stroking it's scaly snout. "It cannot compare to Hubert, but Umbriel is truly quite the specimen…"

"It's about time," Lyn sighed. "You've been running around in fear of that thing for the past three hours!"

"Well, it ate my books," Canas admitted. "Any scholar would fear a book-eater…but I'm so very glad I've overcome my fear. I hope I can become good friends with this Wyvern!"

Lyn, Kent, Lucius, Nils, Lowen, and Sain watched as Umbriel wrapped it's long neck around Canas's shoulders as if giving him a hug, and it would have been a quite heartwarming moment had not Vaida chosen just then to barge into the room.

"Hey!" she snarled. "Give me back my Wyvern!"

"B-but I—" Canas stuttered, but it was too late. Vaida hopped onto it's back and flew it through the window. Broken glass littered the ground and Canas stood there, frozen, feeling very alone.

"B-but I wanted to st-study it…"

"Egad!" Della cried, running in and seeing that her friend's feelings were hurt. "Vaida is such a dastardly….dastard! I'd even go so far as to call her Darth Vaida!"

The tactician's eyes widened as she realized what she had just said. Slowly a grin spread across her face.

It doesn't look so funny when you see "Darth Vaida" written down, so…just say it. Yeah, say it out loud. Come on, do it. Ha! There, isn't that funny? Ok…well, back to wherever we were.

**Back to wherever we were.**

A lot of rustling and clanking and all other such sounds of a scuffle were heard as Oswin and Wallace grabbed Karel and made off with him back towards the dungeons.

"So…what do we do now?" Kent asked slowly.

"Now we fight Vaida!" Della turned to Lucius, proclaiming, "Oh Chosen One of the Force! You must help us defeat that vile fiend! It is your duty as…the new protagonist!"

* * *

"Eliwood, are you okay?" Hector asked. "Why do you have your hand over your heart like that?"

Eliwood sighed. "Because…I sense a cruel, cruel—oh Elimine, I'm just not even going to say it."

* * *

"I know the first stop for our tour!" Matthew yelled cheerfully, running behind Wil's back and swiping his wallet. "The NABATA DESERT!"

Legault raised an eyebrow. "Matthew…who in the world would come to a concert in the middle of the desert?"

"Oh, it's just a practice concert, so don't worry about it." He grinned at them all. "Don't you guys trust me?"

Wil stared at him a moment. "Give me back my wallet."

"What wallet?"

"The one you're hiding behind your back."

"…What back?"

Wil snorted with disgust and turned away. "Uhg…you're just another of those slimey, big-time British managers." When he turned back to Matthew, he found the thief wearing two pairs of sunglasses. Wil scowled, and Legault quickly did the same.

"Matthew…?" Legault ventured, eying the pair of shades above the first pair Matthew wore, "Do you think I could—?"

"No," said Matthew sternly. Legault was about to unsheathe his knives and show him what "Hurricane" was all about when Vaida flew by on her wyvern.

"Hey, Vaida!" Matthew called, waving his arms around in the air. She flew lower, winding about them in slow, lazy circles.

"What do you want?" she snapped.

"We're going on tour to the Nabata Desert!" the thief yelled up. "Legault and I can do our awesome 'theives popping up out of nowhere' thing to get there fast…Jaffar can take Nino along and do that even awesomer 'assassin popping up out of nowhere' thing…but Wil is a loser! He can't go fast and he can't fight but we need him to do our drudgery work! So will you carry him over there for us? We'll pay you!"

"I'm not Farina!"

"Okay, we don't have to pay you!" said Matthew cheerfully.

"No—you're going to have to pay me. I'll do it." With that, Vaida swooped down and Umbriel snatched Wil up with his claws.

"H-hey!" Wil screamed. "No! Put me down!"

Too late. The six were already traveling towards the Nabata desert. No sooner had they left then…they were there. (That is thief/wyvern/assassin skill, for you.) Umbriel dropped Wil, who fell twenty feet and landed face-down on the sandy ground and didn't move for a while.

Legault winced and shielded his eyes against the uber-bright sun. "Matthew, _please _let me have a pair of sunglasses! Your forehead does NOT have eyes! You don't need shades for it!"

"Sure I do," Matthew retorted. "I don't want to get sunburned." As Legault began to develop severe sunburn, Matthew pulled out a third pair of sunglasses and stuck them up on his hair.

"PLEASE let me have that pair!" Legault begged as his own hair began to steam from the intense heat.

Matthew chuckled. "And risk not looking cool? No way, man."

"It's soooooo hot…" Legault fell to the sand, gasping for air.

Matthew dusted off his shoulder. "Oh no, that's just me."

"…You all are idiots," said Vaida finally, who had landed and dismounted beside them. Seeing that their concert would be just for practice and that she would likely be standing around bored if she stayed, she made for her wyvern to fly off again.

"STAY AWAY FROM THAT DEATH SATELITE!" cried a voice. Vaida turned around, confused, to see Della in a green robe marching around singing a song who's words seemed to be entirely "dink dink".

"Umbriel is not a satellite," said Vaida, insulted, as she interrupted the tactician's awesome "dink dink" song.

"Is too!" Della argued. "A satellite is a celestial object that orbits a planet…and Umbriel is the name of the thirteenth moon of Jupitor! Thus your wyvern is now…THE DEATH SATELITE!"

"And I must free it from your evil hold!" cried Lucius, jumping up from behind a sand dune. "For I am…LUCIUS SKYWALKER!"

"And I am Canas Olo!" Canas cried as he popped up next to Lucius.

Della sighed. "For the last time, it's _Han Solo, _not Canas O—oh, nevermind."

"I'm Nils2-D2!" Nils chirped, also jumping out of nowhere with Sain, Lowen, and Kent.

"…What?" Kent asked slowly.

"Nils2-D2! Della said I had to be R2-D2 because I'm short and blue on top!" He gestured towards his blue hair.

"And what does the 'D' stand for?" wondered Sain.

"Dragon, of course!"

Della put a finger to her chin, thinking. "Yeah, but if we have an R2-D2 we'll need a C-3PO…oh, I know! It can be Serra! We'll call her Ser-raPO because she's always PO'd!"

Serra randomly appeared, having been pulled into the scene, but the characters were not surprised. After seeing Ephidel bake cookies and purple hippos fly and waffle irons get christened "Toothpaste", nothing much surprised them anymore.

Kent sighed. "Well, Nils…at least your name is better than Obi Wan Kentobi."

"HAHA!" Sain laughed, pointing at his partner. "OBI WAN KENTOBI!"

"Even that's better than 'Chewbacca'," Lowen moped. "What kind of a name is that?"

"Ooh, that one is the large hairy creature!" Canas informed the cavalier, Della having tried to explain this whole "Star Wars" idea to him before.

"Why do _I _have to be the hairy creature?"

Everyone stared at him a moment before deciding that question was too obvious to answer.

Sain suddenly realized he was the only one without a name. "Oh…who can I be?"

"You get to be Yoda!" said Della.

"…Does this Yoda attract beautiful women?" came the green knight's hopeful question.

"…No," Canas answered, recalling what the tactician had described to him.

Sain wailed. "So why do I have to be this Yoda person?"

"Because you're a little green man!" Della squealed. Vaida merely stared at them, her eye beginning to twitch, convinced it couldn't get any weirder…until Lyn popped up beside Lucius with her hair chopped off and cinnamon buns glued to her ears.

Seeing Vaida nearly have a heart attack, Lyn sighed. "Just don't ask…"

FLASHBACK!

_"This takes too long," Lyn complained as Priscilla began to do her hair, braiding it and curling it and all other such nonsense. _

_"Be thankful," Canas told the princess. "You could have been Padme…egad, think how much longer it would have taken to do your hair…!" _

_"But do we really have to go to such measures?" Lyn asked desperately, ignoring the fact that she had no idea what a "Padme" was. "What matters are the deeds done, not what you're wearing when you do them!" _

_"But this is Star Wars," chided Canas. "You are to look 'cool' at all times, as Della put it." _

_Priscilla, now officially their costume designer, finished with Lyn's hair and went on to Lucius._

_"H-hey…Lady Priscilla…w-what are you doing with those scissors? No! Stay back!" _

_"I don't like this hairstyle!" Lyn complained angrily to Canas. _

_"Forgive me, Lady Lyndis, but you're going to have to wear it! Della said that Princess Leia has a funny hairstyle…so you were to be Leia because you're the only one with hair long enough to make such a style! You get to be Princess Lyn now!" _

_"That's kind of what I am, anyway," Lyn pointed out. Kent, ever the loyal knight, appeared for a minute to agree vehelmently, before disappearing again to go back to the desert where he was uninvolved in any flashback._

_Meanwhile, Priscilla continued to chase a screaming Lucius around. _

_"No no no, not my hair!" he wailed._

_"But you need to be a man!" Priscilla protested. _

_"I AM a man!" _

_"Then you need to LOOK like one!"_

_Priscilla lunged for the monk with her scissors, but Lucius bent backwards Matrix-style (in slow motion and everything). The troubadour flew over Lucius and hurtled towards Lyn, who was still arguing with Canas. _

_"Karel has long hair…make him be this Leia person!" _

_"He's a madman! I can't do that!"_

_"But I don't want to spend so much time every morning doing this ridiculous hairstyle!" She sarcastically added, "Why don't we just glue cinnamon buns to my ears? It'll have the same effect!" _

_Canas was about to retort when he saw Priscilla heading for Lyn with scissors still in her hand. He let out a Vader-style "NOOOOOOOOoooooooo!" as Priscilla (still in slow-mo), sailed by Lyn and accidentally chopped off one coiled bun of hair as she did so. With her swordswoman reflexes Lyn snatched the scissors away and quickly cut off the bun on the opposite side of her head. _

_"Ha!" she crowed in triumph. "What now, Canas?" _

_Canas stared at the suddenly short-haired Sacean. "…Perhaps I'll have to take you up on your earlier suggestion." _

_"Cinnamon buns, ho!" Della cried, rushing by with a waffle iron under her arm. _

_"GIVE IT BACK!" wailed Matthew as he gave chase. "Toothpaste does not make cinnamon buns!"_

_"Cinnamon buns made out of toothpaste?" Lowen asked bewilderedly, ambling after Matthew and clearly lacking the ability to talk to waffle irons. _

_Lyn sighed._

END FLASHBACK!

Vaida stared at the ragtag group of Star Wars impersonators a minute before mounting her Wyvern. "Uh…yeah. You all are freaks. I'm out of here, before I give in to the temptation to unleash my Wyvern Rider of Bern Powers on you all."

She flew off.

"Oh no!" gasped Della. "Darth Vaida has taken control of the DEATH SATELLITE!"

"Isn't the Death Star supposed to be round…?" Canas asked.

Della shrugged. "Maybe if Umbriel eats the cinnamon buns on Princess Lyn's ears it will become round…"

Vaida abruptly whirled her wyvern around. "WHAT WAS THAT? DID YOU JUST CALL MY WYVERN FAT?"

"MAYBE SHE JUST CALLED YOUR MOM FAT!" Matthew yelled. Vaida fumed, and Legault glared at his friend.

"Way to go, Matthew. Way…to…go."

"That's it!" yelled Vaida. "It's war, now! All of you…uh…"

"JEDI!" yelled Canas.

"Yeah, well whatever you all are, you're going DOWN!"

Vaida flew away for good to commence forming battle plans.

"Um…I think our parody went a little too far…" said Della hesitantly.

"Just a little," Canas agreed.

* * *

_A/N: Aha…now I am OFFICIALLY a geek. But of course you all knew that already, right? (grins.) Oh, by the way…Della's "dink dink" song is a tribute to Space Balls, the best Star Wars parody I have ever seen. Woot!_

_One thing I need help with though…does anyone who has played Sacred Stones remember what the Demon King/his attacks look like? I need it for another fic I'm writing…so if anybody knows, I'd appreciate the information! Anyway…I'll catch you guys next time! _


	22. Chapter 22! Much Ado About Nothing

_A/N: Eeeeek! Once again, my sincere apologies for taking forever to update. I'm usually much better about this, aren't I? Well, once summer comes it'll all be easier…(lapses into daydreaming) Good old summer…wait, why are you watching me be all lazy? Go read the chapter I spent so long procrastinating homework on!_

_**CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO—MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING**_

"We must stop Darth Vaida," Canas declared. He was already marching through the desert, rearing for a Noble Quest to find Hubert.

"Indeed, Canas Olo!" seconded Della, obviously unable to be left out of a Noble Quest with her favorite shaman of all time.

"Della, which Star Wars character are you going to be?" he asked suddenly.

"Mace Windu," was her prompt reply. Canas just stared at her a moment.

"…Why?"

"Two words," she retorted, lifting up her hand and counting off on her first two fingers. "Purple…lightsaber."

"Purple!" Canas cheered happily. Della pointed to her friend's head.

"Purple hair! Purple eyes!"

"Purple cape!" said Canas, twirling around to make his cape flair out.

They commenced skipping along, arm in arm, happily singing "PURPLE PURPLE PURPLE" at the top of their lungs, until both of them were promptly slapped by the flat of Heath's javelin.

"No," said the Wyvern rider irritably. "Never again."

"You're just jealous because you don't have a Star Wars name," Della retorted.

"Egad!" cried Canas, pointing to Heath's wyvern. "It is an enemy craft!"

"We shall vanquish thee with…PURPLE POWER!" roared Della. Heath smacked her with his javelin again.

"I said CUT IT OUT! Life is as random as can be, hippos are flying through the air, suddenly everyone has a different name, and now you two are ranting about colors! I don't need all this! What's next…you'll paint everything pink?"

"Real men wear pink," said Della sternly.

Heath rolled his eyes. "Who told you that? Lowen?"

"Yeah…but he heard it from Marcus."

"I think yon Wyvern rider is afraid of his feminine side," Canas pointed out in a pitying voice. Della just grinned.

"…Have we found our Padme?"

"Indeed!" cried Canas. They both sprang forward, each seizing one of Heath's arms, and dragged him off his Wyvern towards the Random Castle.

"What?" Heath cried. "No! Let me go! I don't want to be a Padme!"

"You get to spend hours and hours every morning looking into a mirror as Priscilla does your hair…" Della bribed.

Heath brightened. "Priscilla?"

With that, the tactician and shaman dragged him away.

* * *

"Concert's over," said Matthew, still looking totally cool due to the fact that he was still wearing three pairs of sunglasses.

"Finally," Legault gasped.

Jaffar said nothing.

"Good question," Matthew said to the assassin. "Don't worry, I've got our whole route planned out. Next stop…Ilia!"

"SOMEWHERE COLD!" screamed Legault in utmost joy. He had pretty much been smoked to a crisp, although no one else had—because Matthew was wearing three pairs of shades, Nino still had her Goddess Icon, Wil was hiding behind Matthew, and Jaffar is not to be messed with on any account. Not even by the elements. Because he would punish them.

Matthew turned around and scowled to see Wil behind him. "Dang it…Vaida's gone. She can't carry Wil…and it'll take us FOREVER to get to Ilia!"

Jaffar said nothing. And unsheathed his knives.

"No, Jaffar, we need Wil," Matthew admitted. "He has to do our roadie work."

Jaffar sheathed his knives again, without twitching a muscle in his face.

"Ohmigosh!" cried Nino. "Matthew, look how sad he is! You're going to make him cry! You're such a meanie-head!" She began to yowl and smack Matthew repeatedly on the arm.

Matthew said nothing.

"Do I sense I class change approaching?" Della asked as she and Canas soared down on Hubert.

"What? Why would that happen?" Matthew asked.

"Because you're acting like Jaffar!"

"I am?"

"Look at you! Nino's smacking the daylights out of you and it's as if you don't even know she's there!"

Matthew turned and looked at Nino. "Oh! There you are. You were really hitting me?"

Nino stared at him. It took her a while to realize that her strength had been insulted, but when it finally hit her she threw back her head and wailed, "JAFFAAAAAAR!"

Jaffar slowly rose up behind Matthew.

"Hey Wil, I'll race you to Ilia!" the thief said nervously. The archer didn't need to be told twice—they both ran north as fast as they could go.

* * *

"They think they can call my Wyvern FAT, do they?" Vaida hissed angrily as she flew. "I'll show them! I'll show them all!"

She swooped down to where Sain, Kent, Lyn, Lowen, Lucius, Serra, and Nils were all still standing in the desert. Umbriel (the DEATH SATELITE) snatched Lyn up in it's talons, making her yell, and Vaida flew away with her hostage.

"No!" Kent yelled. "Milady!" He ran after her, the perfect picture of a cliché love-struck knight, but was distraught to find that Vaida was already long gone.

"Darth Vaida has captured Princess Lyn!" cried Lucius in shock.

Nils froze. "This…is…PERFECT!" He broke into a grin and ran over to skip around in circles over by Kent.

"What are you talking about?" Kent asked through his anguish. "This is terrible! Lady Lyndis is gone!"

"Princess Lyn," Nils corrected. "And it's not terrible—it's cool! This is how all the best plots go! The lady of some royal origin-or-other is naturally captured…but who better to save her than the best Jedi EVER, Obi Wan Kentobi? YAY!"

"…How do you know anything about Star Wars?" Kent inquired, sort of dreading the answer.

Nils just stared him down. "…I'm a flute player. I know everything."

"Let's stop wasting time!" said Lucius. "Darth Vaida is getting away! We need to find a way to catch up with her!"

"Yes," Sain agreed. He turned to Nils and asked, "If this Yoda's legs are so short, how does he get around?"

"He can hover," Nils replied enthusiastically.

"Whee!" Sain jumped into the air and stayed there. "I shall use my new powers to impress…THE LADIES!"

Serra wrinkled her nose. "Saint Elimine…this is going to be a long, long day."

THREE MINUTES LATER

"Surprise!" Nils yelled, throwing open the door to Eliwood's room. The lord was reading a book, and jumped three feet out of his chair to see them.

"W-what are you all doing here?" he asked bewilderedly. He was ignored as Serra, Sain, Lucius, Kent, Della, Canas, and Lowen all came pouring through his door and began rummaging through his things.

"Will this work?" asked Lowen, lifting up a quill.

"No…" said Nils. "Keep looking."

"How about this, Nils?" asked Kent, holding the sheath to Eliwood's rapier.

"Mm…closer, but still not quite right."

"What are you reading?" Della asked Eliwood amidst all the chaos.

"Della, what is everyone doing in my--?"

He was cut off as she snatched his book out of his hands.

"_The Code of Chivalry_," the tactician read out loud. She rolled her eyes. "Typical."

"OHMIGOSH A BOOK!" Canas yelled ecstatically, diving for it.

"Aha!" cried Sain, holding aloft Durandal.

"Perfect!" exclaimed Nils.

Sain gave Durandal to Lucius, and everybody but Nils instantly rushed out of the room.

"What…just…happened?" Eliwood asked the dragon boy/droid.

Nils shrugged. "Oh…Lucius needed a light saber. We decided to get him the coolest one, since he's the protagonist and all. Okay, see you later Lord Eliwood!"

Nils walked out and Eliwood stood there a minute, frozen. Finally he came to his senses and shouted, "Wait! I'M the protagonist! And that's MY sword!"

But everyone was already gone. So Eliwood did the only thing an Eliwood would do in that situation. After his room was broken into, his privacy invaded, and his ancient relic was stolen…

He went back to reading.

And as he read there was a long silence. And, like most long silences, this one was…pretty long.

And pretty silent.

……….

AND THEN HECTOR USED THE WOLF BEIL TO COMPLETELY SMASH DOWN THE WALL AND JUMP INTO ELIWOOD'S ROOM WITH AN ARMY OF RABID MARSHMALLOW POSSUMS!

……….

"What in Elimine's name just happened," Eliwood demanded calmly.

"You PANSY!" Hector yelled. "You've been pushed out of your role and robbed, and you're just going to sit there reading _The Code of Chivalry?_"

"Actually, Canas stole that for study," Eliwood admitted. "This one's a sappy love story."

"PANSY!" the blue-haired lord cried again, smashing his axe into the ground right beside Eliwood's chair. Eliwood gave a start.

"Hector, I LIVE in a sappy love story! Why don't you punish me for living, then?"

"Maybe I should…" Hector mused.

Eliwood would have gone on a Chivalrous Tirade about how men are free to choose their own lives and can love despite all dragon-y odds and all other such speeches, but the army of rabid marshmallow possums started squeaking and chirping very loudly, so Hector wouldn't have heard Eliwood anyway.

"GAAAH!" Hector yelled, flailing about as the fluffy little possums tried to hug his legs. "GET THEM OFF! HOW DO WE MAKE THEM GO AWAY?"

"How, indeed?" Eliwood cried. "Who will help us, now that your feet are stuck fast and my weapon has been stolen?"

No sooner had the words left his mouth when Ephidel popped into the room, squealed "Yummy, marshmallows!", ate every last one in the blink of an eye, and teleported away.

"...I thought you said you lived in a sappy love story," said Hector slowly.

"I do. But that's kind of a side life in the addition to the Role-Play action/adventure side of my life."

"Well, what just happened wasn't anything you just mentioned. Not even close. But you lived it anyway."

"Life is confusing."

…………..WELCOME TO TEEN ANGST!

**But we'll leave teen angst aside to continue the adventures of Lucius Skywalker!**

"GET BACK IN YOUR CELL, KAREL!" Oswin roared.

* * *

THUS FAR!

The Dave Matthew's Band traveled to Ilia and performed their concert for the Pegasus Sisters and Ninian—who, being an ice dragon, liked the cold weather, unlike Legault who immediately got frostbite on his hair which nobody even knew was possible to do but it still seemed dangerous so after the concert Matthew chased him around with an enormous pair of hedge clippers, trying to cut his hair. Needless to say, Legault didn't even let Matthew get CLOSE. And suffered from hair frostbite for many a long, excruciating minute.

Jaffar said nothing.

"Yes, that's right, Jaffar," said Nino brightly. "At least Legault didn't get frostbite on his ears or nose! Then we'd have to cut THOSE off! So let's be positive, guys!"

"Of course…because Jaffar's such an optimist, right?" Legault asked sourly.

Jaffar said nothing.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY MAMMA?" the thief yelled, brandishing his fist.

"No, Legault, no!" Matthew cried, trying to drag his friend away from the assassin. "Don't do it! You're too young to die!"

"Thank you for your utmost faith in me," said Legault sarcastically.

"Anytime," Matthew beamed.

"No," said Nino, stepping between Legault and Jaffar. "Please…let's not fight. We have our next concert to go to!"

"…But I wanted to commentate," said Matthew, slightly disappointed.

Legault ignored his fellow thief and turned to Nino. "So, manager…where is our next concert? I hope it's someplace good…I mean, we've been playing in such remote, terrible places…the scorching Nabata Desert, the freezing Ilia…"

"Oh, we're going to someplace much better, this time," Nino assured him.

"Where?"

"The Dread Isle!"

Legault closed his eyes and didn't move for a while, while Matthew and Jaffar began to celebrate…meaning Matthew ran around in circles whooping and Jaffar stood very still and said nothing.

"I know, it's so exciting," Nino gushed, clasping her hands. "Isn't it exciting? Isn't it just?"

Matthew wasn't paying attention. He was doing the robot and rapping, "So he heard Godzilla sneaking up from behind, and he reached for his gun which he just couldn't find, 'cause Batman stole it and he shot and he missed, and Jackie Chan deflected it with his fist, and he jumped in the air and he did a somersault, while Abraham Lincoln tried to pole vault, into Optimus Prime but they collided in midair, and they both got hit by a Care Bear stare! This is the Ultimate Showdown! Of Ultimate Destiny--"

"Jafaaaaar!" Nino whined. "Nobody's paying attention to me!"

Jaffar said nothing.

"Oh, THAT'S how that fast middle part goes!" said Matthew. "Ok, I've got it…And then Gandalf the Grey and Gandalf the White, and Monty Python and the Holy Grail's Black Knight…"

Nino scowled.

"Jaffar said to turn that frown upside down," Legault informed the mage.

She just stared at him. Did somebody actually just tell NINO what Jaffar said? As if she DIDN'T KNOW?

"Lucius shall strike thee for blasphemy," Matthew warned Legault. "Benito Mussolini! And the Blue Meanie! Cowboy Curtis and Jombi the Genie! Robocop, Terminator, Captain Kirk and Darth Vader…"

* * *

"DARTH VAIDA!" screamed Sain.

"Where?" Lucius cried, looking all around and clutching Durandal tightly.

Sain shrugged. "Oh no, I didn't see her, I just felt like now was a good time to say her name."

"Do I detect a hint of irony?" asked Nils with a grin.

Kent did a very Kent-like thing and resisted the urge to smack Nils upside the head. "Please…no more irony."

"Aww, you're no fun, Kent," said Sain.

Kent was about to retort when he was run over by the mob of stampeding Orlando Bloom Fangirls—who had mistaken him for Eliwood from a distance.

"I say," said Canas confusedly, "Did Athos not destroy them all?"

Della's eye twitched. "You cannot destroy them. It can't be done. Trust me. I've tried."

"But we must save Kent!" Lucius cried. "I shall…using my LIGHT SABER!"

He made very cool "vroooom vroom" noises, and tried to lift Durandal…but couldn't do it. Considering the sword was wider and taller than he was.

"Aww," he whined. "That's not fair!"

"Maybe you're just a pansy," said Sain.

"HEAR NO EVIL!"

"Quit with the morals!" cried Lowen. "Kent is in trouble!"

And so they all ran off to go save him.

* * *

_A/N: Yes…as a matter of fact, it IS impossible to kill preps. And just for the record, "Padme" is supposed to have an accent over the "e", but I don't think my computer will let me do that. And all of Matthew's rap comes from the flash tune "The Ultimate Showdown (of Ultimate Destiny)". _

_Disclaimer: I do not own The Ultimate Showdown. But I wish I did. Because it pwns. And because I have the whole thing memorized, anyway. (laughs) Well, hopefully it won't take me too long to do the next chapter…yada yada yada, please review and all that, wot wot! _


	23. Chapter 23! Guy Rule Number A

_A/N: Woo, chapter twenty-three…I'm actually not very excited. It's kind of short, and it took so long to write! Then again, I've also been writing two other fics and a few one-shots I might post up when I finish…even those have been taking forever to write. (sigh) My summer has been almost as busy as my school year, so far. I'm very sorry…I'll try and do better next time. But I hope you enjoy this nonetheless!_

_**CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE—GUY RULE NUMBER A**_

"Wowomgthisiscrazyfun!" Lucius yelled, talking as fast as he could.

"Whyareyoutalkingsofast?" Nils blurted out.

"Idunnobutitmighthavesomethingtodowith—"

"Please, speak more slowly!" begged Canas. Lucius took a deep breath.

"Alright, I think this all has to do with the fact that some Fire Emblem-crazed author is trying to write a chapter as fast as she can," he explained.

Lowen sighed. "And WHY is she doing that, exactly?"

"Because…she is bored," answered Nils, the one with all the answers. "Ooh, redundancy! Yep, she's definitely bored."

"NOOOOoooo!" Lowen wailed, throwing himself to the ground. "It's too much chaos! I can't work under chaos! I'm just a new cavalier, and cavaliers and chaos don't mix!"

"Neither do mealworms and ammonia," Della informed him. Everyone stared at her. "…….Just in case you all wanted to know."

"We don't want to know, we want to save Kent!" Sain exclaimed. "Death by fangirls is one of the most painful ways to go!"

With everyone helping Lucius, they finally managed to lift Durandal off the ground and ran off to go save Kent.

"Help!" the red knight wailed as the fangirls lifted him up and started carrying him away, still thinking he was Eliwood. All the Star Wars impersonators quickly gave chase.

"What are you doing?" hollered Serra. "You're a cavalier, and a good one at that! FIGHT, DARN YOU!"

"I don't have my sword!" Kent yelled back desperately. "Or my lance!"

The fangirls paused.

"Wait a minute!" one of them shrieked. "Eliwood doesn't have a lance!"

It took a moment for the other fangirls to process that, but once they all finally made the connection that if their chivalrous sword-wielding redhead could use lances, he wasn't Eliwood, they threw him to the ground and started beating him up.

"We have to save him!" cried Lowen, appalled that a fellow knight should take such a drubbing.

Sain eyed the fangirls all mobbing Kent, nearly hiding him from view. "I'm actually rather jealous…"

Della slapped him. "Perv, you're the Jedi master…go save your fellow!"

"You save him," Sain retorted.

Della, naturally up to the challenge considering what instrument she played, put her hands on her hips. "Fine, I will. PURPLE POWER! Come, Canas!"

She pulled a purple light saber out of thin air and rushed the fangirls while Canas adjusted his monocle so that beams of sunlight flashed to them all just as beams from a laser gun would.

"Haha! I love being Canas Olo!" he cried triumphantly. Lucius and Lowen and Sain rushed in with Durandal, which was big enough to manage to scare all the fangirls away.

"Thank you," gasped Kent, finally safe.

"What are you doing without your lance?" asked Nils.

Kent frowned. "…Matthew stole it."

"Que?" Della asked, cocking her head. "Matthew should be at the Dread Isle by now! How could he possibly have stolen your lance?"

AT THE DREAD ISLE

Matthew chuckled as he twirled a steel lance around.

"That…" said Legault slowly, "…is mad skill."

BACK WITH THE JEDI

"So…are we just 'the Jedi'?" Nils asked. "We don't get a cool name? We're not The Allegiance or The Empire?"

"The Empire are the bad guys," Della informed him. "No matter what. Because we're in a video game, even if we are portraying a non-video game, and therefore all evil people belong to an empire."

"Not all empires are evil!" Kent pointed out.

Della began counting on her fingers. "Well, we've got Grado from Sacred Stones and Daein from Path of Radiance and going into the real world we have the Muslim Empire if you're a Crusader—which, Kent, I would not doubt from you—and the Ottoman Empire if you're in the Byzantine Empire, and definitely the Japanese if you're a Mongol under the rule of Kublai Khan, and—"

"We get it," interrupted Sain. "We're good guys, we're not an empire."

"Darth Vaida is the empire!" said Serra. "Let's go defeat her and her fat wyvern so we can rescue Princess Lyn!"

"Indeed," said Della. "Alright, Sain is to bring up the rear, everyone huddle around Serra and Nils seeing as they are defenseless, Canas and Lowen can be the vanguards, and Kent…" She sighed in exasperation. "Kent already ran off to go save his lady, didn't he."

"Yup," reported Sain.

THUS FAR!

Eliwood and Hector, having gotten over their moment of Teen Angst, decided it was only fair for Eliwood to go and retrieve Durandal. Seeing as he WAS the protagonist, and all. And Hector still insisted that the only way Eliwood could prove he was a real man (when Ninian was not around to be protected) was to have a gigantic sword to kill lots of people with.

"B-but Hector, I don't like to kill—"

"SHUT UP, PANSY!"

"Okay…"

Hector whirled around and stared at his friend. "Did you just say 'okay'?"

"…Yes…"

"PANSY!" Hector roared again. "You're not supposed to agree when you've been insulted! You're supposed to _do _something about it!"

Eliwood sighed. "Alright, alright."

"Okay." Hector folded his arms. "Now, I've called you a pansy. What are you going to do to me?"

Eliwood jumped up onto a soap box that magically appeared in front of him. "I'm going to point my rapier at you and go on a long tirade about how name calling is unjust and dishonorable, and how it can hurt, and how you must be severely reprimanded to stop you from hurting people!"

Hector just stared at Eliwood again. "…This is going nowhere fast."

Eliwood looked crestfallen. "Hector, I'm not a naturally angry person. How am I supposed to just fly into rages of vengeance as you seem to want me to do?"

"I don't know." Hector rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "You tend to forgive and forget, so it's no good if someone actually insulted _you_…but maybe I can get you angry enough to go beat up Lucius and the others if I insult someone _else!"_

"Insult an _innocent?" _Eliwood was absolutely appalled.

"Not just an innocent…an innocent you have a crush on!"

"NO!" Eliwood yelled, diving for Hector, but it was too late: Hector had already cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled,

"NINIAN'S AN EVIL CRAZY DRAGON CHICK WHO CAN'T BE TRUSTED BECAUSE…SHE'S AN EVIL CRAZY DRAGON CHICK!"

Eliwood's face turned as bright as his hair in utmost rage.

"That's right," Hector coaxed, "Now that you're good and mad, go after Lucius!"

Eliwood slowly turned around to face the direction Lucius and the others ran off towards…then quickly spun around and tackled Hector to the floor and gave him the thrashing of his life.

"…………………Ow," Hector muttered in pain as Eliwood got to his feet and dusted off his hands. "Eliwood, I thought the point of this was to get you after the people who stole Durandal!"

"But they didn't mock Ninian, _you_ did," Eliwood reminded his friend calmly. "Why would I blame them for something they did not do?"

Hector stayed on the ground, too beaten up to get back up. He closed his eyes wearily. "You completely missed the point of the exercise."

And why did Eliwood miss the point, you ask? It's because…

He's so dang chivalrous!

Yes, yes, you knew that was coming.

BACK TO THE _OTHER_ CHIVALROUS SWORD-WIELDING REDHEAD AND HIS FELLOWS

"I've just realized something," Canas said suddenly. He stopped walking, and all the other Jedi instantly ran into him like some huge traffic pileup. "We're out chasing Darth Vaida…but we haven't the foggiest idea of where she _is_!"

"Naturally she's on the Death Satellite," said Nils. "So we should be searching the skies. That's not hard, we just look up!"

"But she could be on any space of sky over any place!" Kent protested. (He had earlier remembered his allegiance to his fellows and went back to them before he could save Lyn single-handedly.) Now he was continuing to help the Jedi, as was proper for the great Obi Wan Kentobi. "This is a much bigger task than we had thought."

"Indeed," agreed Canas. "It's quite a challenge."

Nils' eyes widened, as did Della's.

"…Challenge?" they said slowly.

Then they snapped into complete and total Flute Mode, both yelling at the same time.

"HA! CHALLENGE? THEY WISH TO CHALLENGE FLAUTISTS? WE SCOFF AT THE UNWORTHY CHALLENGERS! WE ARE WOODWINDS! WE SHALL OVERCOME ALL!"

And with that, they both turned and went running off in a random direction with Serra, who, being a prep, was enabled by the laws of physics to keep up with flute players.

"...Should we follow them?" Lowen asked.

Canas was already running. "Well, they ARE flautists. I should think that they know what they're doing."

"And _I_ should think it would be much safer to go along with whatever they say and not dare to disagree with them," Kent added under his breath before following.

* * *

At the Dread Isle, The Dave Matthew's Band had just ended their concert.

"Thank you!" Matthew exclaimed, stepping to the end of the stage and raising up his arms. "Thank you!"

But everything was silent. Nothing stirred. There wasn't a person in sight.

"Matthew, there's no audience!" Legault snapped. "You made us come all the way over here to this gods-forsaken place, and NO ONE HEARD US PLAY!"

"Oh yeah." Matthew frowned. "That's odd…I had completely forgotten how deserted the Dread Isle was. It's like…like I've suppressed all my memories of this place…hmm, I wonder why I did that?"

Matthew began to think, and Legault looked uneasy. "Matthew, if you've suppressed memories then they were probably ones you never wanted…so don't go trying to remember!"

Too late. Matthew had already remembered, screamed "LEILA!" and then tried to tackle Jaffar. Jaffar just stuck out one hand and stopped Matthew in his tracks. Matthew kept trying to punch Jaffar, but Jaffar's hand kept him at bay and made the thief look completely pathetic. Legault raised an eyebrow.

"Matthew, what are you doing?"

"I'm going to destroy you!" Matthew screamed to Jaffar. "Youkilledheryoukilledheryoukilledher you killed Leila! I will avenge her!"

Nino giggled. "Heehee, 'destroy Jaffar', that's a good one…" Her smile faded at the rage on Matthew's face. "Oh! You're SERIOUS!"

Matthew would have probably continued to halfway almost maybe get even a little bit close to touching Jaffar, but he suddenly stopped.

"Why'd you stop?" Legault asked.

Matthew looked dazed. "I don't know. What was I doing, earlier? I can't remember! It's like…like I've suppressed all my memories of what just happened…hmm, I wonder why I did that?"

"Don't try and think about it!" Legault yelled. Jaffar went around chasing Wil to try and amuse Matthew and keep his mind off of the Dread Isle.

"What's that, Jaffar?" Nino asked as Wil and the assassin sped by. "Oh, I get to pick where we go next? YAY! How about…we go see Lloyd and Linus again?"

Everybody froze

"No," Wil whispered. "Don't say it, Nino."

"Next stop…" Nino began with a grin.

"NO!" cried Legault and Matthew.

Too late.

"The Bad Guy's Fortress!" Nino yelled, throwing her arms up in the air in jubilation.

* * *

_A/N: Yes, that is exactly how flute players respond to a challenge. "Ha! Challenge? They wish to challenge FLAUTISTS?" Hehehe._

_Oh, and for Della's comment about mixing mealworms and ammonia…yeah, it's a bad idea. The worms get all twitchy. And even when they go into pupas and emerge as beetles…they're still twitchy. Science is always an interesting class. (Whoops, one more note: when Della says "Que?" earlier, that's just Spanish for "what?". Just in case you didn't know.)_

_Anyway, the next chapter should be easy to write…it's so fun when the bad guys are involved ! I'll be at camp, so I won't have as much time to write, but I'll still try and get it up soon._


	24. Chapter 24! Of Muffins And Men

_A/N: Deep sigh…I'm sure you all are getting sick of me apologizing for taking too long to update, but I really am sorry…_

_I was at another band camp though, and it pwned. Yay! And three guesses which chair I was…hehehe, ignore that question, I am totally going to get a swelled head. (Mental image of Innes) Actually…Innes is tight. Mayhap it wouldn't be too bad being like him. Wait! What am I talking about? Stop listening to my banter and start reading chapter twenty-four :-P._

_**CHATER TWENTY-FOUR—OF MUFFINS AND MEN**_

"Elimine above!" Lowen wailed, running as fast as he could. "Do those three _ever _stop?"

"I should hardly think not," Canas retorted, looking as if he were quite enjoying this intriguing wild test of trying to catch up with Nils, Della, and Serra. "You see, they are all running on a fairly modern yet rather powerful source of energy which all preps and flute players are capable of and which has to do with combustion of sorts in the metabolism which breaks down sucrose and glucose quite rapidly and therefore leads the owner of the metabolism to consume more sugars at a rapid rate which causes a build-up of too much hyperness which studies have shown that coupled with the effects of flute music and miniskirts and the color pink can erupt into severe bouts of frightening energy—"

"Basically…they can run so fast because Serra's a prep and Nils is a flute player and Della's on a sugar-high?" Kent asked, always one to get right to the point.

Canas shrugged. "Well, you could say that, but it's much more fun to say it my way."

"I don't know how you had the breath to say all of that," Lowen gasped. "I can't keep going much further!"

"You can and WILL keep going!" Marcus barked, galloping over to Lowen on his white horse. "You are a knight of Pherae, son! You SHALL NOT falter! Now move it! I want to see you aiding the process of respiration with some fermentation!"

"Sir, yes, sir!" Lowen cried, putting on a burst of speed. "ATP molecules WILL be produced, SIR!"

Kent watched as Lowen sped away, with Marcus galloping beside him. "You know…" the red knight said slowly to Canas, "Lowen could have just ridden his horse, like you and I are riding mine…"

Behind Kent, Canas shrugged. "To each his own, I suppose."

* * *

Nils, Della, and Serra ran along at the speed of high woodwind sound.

"So…tired…" Della gasped suddenly.

"What's the matter?" asked Nils. "You were so peppy just a second ago!"

"But I have no stamina for this sort of thing," the tactician wheezed.

"You need to act peppy more often, then!" Serra declared.

Della stumbled. "But I don't wanna—"

"Fine, fine." Serra rolled her eyes. "If you keep running, I'll give you a muffin."

"MUFFIN!" Della screeched, going back up to the usual flute speed.

Suddenly a huge cloud of dust rolled by them all, as always tends to happen when people in cartoons run in a big group. Nils, Della, and Serra stopped to watch it blow by, faintly hearing a random drum cadence and a random angry shout of "Stop playing, for Elimine's sake!" and an even randomer, angrier shout of "…" before it was gone. And they all saw a flash of green hair.

"Woah!" said Serra in surprise. "Was that Nino?"

And of course they all ran off to follow the random cloud that was in fact a punk'd pimpin' rock-the-house boy band.

* * *

Ursula, Ephidel, and Lloyd performed evil deeds at the speed of high woodwind sound (namely, pushing little old ladies into the middle of the road as boy scouts--and Eliwood--looked on in complete horror but were helpless to stop the evildoers seeing as Ephidel was actually DOING evil deeds and Ephidel is never to be underestimated).

"So…tired…" Ephidel gasped suddenly.

"What's the matter?" asked Ursula. "You were so evil just a second ago!"

"But I have no stamina for this sort of thing," the morph wheezed.

"You need to act evil more often, then!" Lloyd declared.

Ephidel stumbled. "But I don't wanna—"

"Fine, fine." Lloyd rolled his eyes. "If you don't keep doing evil deeds, I'm stealing a muffin from you."

"MUFFIN!" Ephidel screeched, tossing old ladies into the street at the usual morph speed.

Suddenly a huge cloud of dust rolled by them all, as always tends to happen when people in cartoons run in a big group. Ursula, Ephidel, and Lloyd stopped to watch it blow by, faintly hearing a random drum cadence and a random angry shout of "PLEASE stop playing, for Elimine's sake!" and an even randomer, angrier shout of "…" before it was gone. And they all saw a flash of green hair.

"Woah!" said Lloyd in surprise. "Was that Nino?"

And of course they all ran off to follow the random cloud that was in fact a punk'd pimpin' rock-the-house boy band.

* * *

"Uh…" said Nergal skeptically, "What in Nosferatu's name is going on?"

The Dave Matthew's Band was setting up on the stage of the Auditorium of Evil.

"It seems that the Dave Matthew's Band is setting up on the stage of the Auditorium of Evil, sir," Ephidel reported.

"I know that!" snapped Nergal.

"B-but you just asked—"

"Flux!"

Ephidel screeched as the hem of his sleeve was licked by purple flames.

Nergal rolled his eyes. "What are you going on about? It was just a flux! It didn't even touch your skin, and even if it did it wouldn't have hurt you—"

Too late. Ephidel had run away in tears, yelling for a cleric.

Nergal shuddered as he remembered Serra bashing his head in with her staff for several hours during the Bad Guy's Chapter. Clerics _bad._

"Maybe I'll just replace all the clerics with troubadours," Nergal mused to himself.

"No troubadours!" Karel insisted, sounding almost frightened.

"Ah yes, that's right…you were mercilessly beaten by Priscilla, weren't you Karel…" Nergal did a double take. "Karel! When did you get here?"

Karel smirked a Mysterious Smirk. "I go where I please, like the wind. Space, time, and physics cannot stop me."

"Hey, we're twins!" Della exclaimed, popping up out of nowhere.

"Triplets, I would think," Pent corrected, popping up beside the tactician.

"LOOK I FOUND A MUFFIN!" Ephidel exclaimed delightedly, popping up beside those too.

And then suddenly all three of them were gone, leaving Nergal staring after them with an eyebrow raised and Karel glaring mysteriously now that his mysterious powers were shared with the non-mysterious.

"So," said Nergal finally, "what are you doing here?"

"Being defiant and mysterious," said Karel defiantly and…well, you know.

Nergal snapped his fingers and Brendan Reed appeared behind Karel in all his body-guard-like-boss-villain-type-huge-axe-man-y glory.

"What I mean is," Karel amended quickly, "I have come to aid you in your evil plan! The good guys are so…not mysterious."

Nergal rolled his eyes but snapped his fingers again. Brendan left. "Fine, fine. Since your Berserking-the-Pegasus-Sisters plot in the very early chapters of this story went awry, you are now aiding me in my Sports Equipment of Doom plot."

"I HEARD THE WORD PLOT!" a heroic red-headed voice yelled. Before Nergal could react, Eliwood and a bunch of boy scouts tackled him.

"Only the word plot?" Nergal asked skeptically, even though he had a rapier and a Swiss-army-knife pointed at his throat. "You didn't hear what the plot actually was?"

"…No," Eliwood admitted.

"MUAHAHAHA!" cackled Nergal.

Eliwood was about to start a Chivalrous Tirade about how evil is evil no matter what wordplay you put upon it, but Karel dived into him and knocked him off of Nergal.

"Karel?" Eliwood gasped. "B-but you…you're…"

"A good guy?" Karel snorted. Mysteriously.

"No…you're supposed to be with Oswin and Wallace!"

"THERE YOU ARE!" a voice bellowed. Karel paled visibly as the ground began to shake, and said generals appeared behind him.

"STOP ESCAPING FROM THE DUNGEONS!" Wallace shouted, picking up Karel by his collar and shaking him.

"Seriously," Oswin agreed. "That's been the third time in an hour! And nearly countless times during the course of the story…though that's rather hard to tell because obviously space, time, and physics do not apply…"

"To me," Della finished.

"Or me," seconded Pent.

"Or me," Ephidel added, before all three disappeared again. Eliwood just stared after them in disbelief, Oswin and Wallace dragged Karel away, the boy scouts were forced to flee from a random stampede of the Orly Fangirls who hated the ungirliness of Swiss army knives, and Nergal took this opportunity to run away and commence his evil plots…

And to watch the Dave Matthew's Band, of course.

Once all the good guys had dissipated, the Auditorium of Evil became packed with evildoers. Bandits, a huge array of generic soldiers, the Ten Most Trusted And Annoyingly Strong…even obscure bad guys like Zoldam and Denning were there! Nergal smiled his Evil Smile and made his way to the front row.

"Uh…yeah," Matthew was saying nervously. "So, we're the Dave Matthew's Band…and…we wanted to, well, _Nino _wanted to play for you all—"

"Hi, Linus! Hi, Lloyd!" Nino interrupted, waving at the crowd enthusiastically.

"Hey look, it's Nino!" said Ephidel from the audience as he happily munched on his muffin. "Hiiii, Nino—hey!"

Quickly Sonia snatched the muffin away and threw it at Nino, but Jaffar reached out a hand and caught it without even looking at it. Then he nonchalantly tossed it back to Sonia.

The force of the throw knocked her eight feet backwards.

"…Woah," said Limstella, looking at Sonia's empty chair. "How did he do that?"

"Who cares?" Ephidel scowled. "I want my muffin back!"

"Hurry up," Legault mumbled to Matthew. "We've gotta play _something."_

"B-but what if they don't like us?" Matthew stuttered, not taking his eyes from the Evil Audience.

Legault shrugged. "Come on…the worst they can do is kill us."

Matthew went pale.

After a couple more minutes, the audience started getting restless.

"Play a song, already!" they yelled, hurling random chairs, appliances, newspapers, and babies up at the stage.

"Oh dang," Matthew mumbled.

"Hurry up!" Legault urged. "Name something to play! Do it!"

"Play a song! Play a song!" the audience chanted rhythmically.

"Legault, they might murder us!"

"They _will_ if you don't start jammin'!"

"PLAY A SONG! PLAY A SONG!"

"Legault!"

"Move it, Matthew!"

"_PLAY A SONG! PLAY A SONG!"_

Before either Matthew or Legault could persuade the other to start playing/run off the stage as fast as they could, Jaffar stepped to the front of the stage and then stood still and didn't say a word.

The audience fell silent. And then they went crazy screaming.

"That's amazing!" Linus yelled to his brother.

"I know!" Lloyd yelled back. "Who knew Jaffar had such an awesome voice?"

"I would sell my soul to be able to dance like that," gushed Limstella.

"You don't have a soul, you silly goose," Nergal told her, highly amused.

Ursula froze. "…Did he just say 'silly goose'?" she asked Ephidel.

Ephidel was too busy looking around for his muffin to reply. Groggily, Sonia came to.

"Aaarg…" she growled as Ephidel scurried by, havingspottedhis preciousunder a chair. "I just got knocked out! ME! But I'm perfect! This makes me so mad, I…I…I just want to slap somebody!"

THUS FAR!

Hector had still been trying to persuade Eliwood to go after Lucius Skywalker and the others to get back Durandal but Eliwood had kept trying to avoid a violent confrontation until Hector yelled "I'll give you violent confrontation!" and punched Eliwood in the face and knocked him out. But because he's the protagonist and so can't be out for too long, he very quickly though rather groggily came to.

"Aaarg…" he growled as Hector stood there, not intimidated by his Sword-wielding Chivalrous Redheaded Might. "I just got knocked out? ME? But I'm the protagonist! This makes me so mad, I…I…I just want to give somebody a cookie!"

"PANSY!" screamed Hector. He immediately began to form a semi-evil plot in his mind…drastic times call for drastic measures.

BACK WITH THE JEDI

_"What _are we DOING?" Kent cried frantically. "We're at the Bad Guy's Fortress! Have you all forgotten our mission? We have to rescue Lady Lyndis!"

Serra stuck out her lower lip. "B-but I wanna see the hawt boy band!"

"I think Kent has the right morals—" Lucius tried to say, but he was cut off when Serra threw her head back and started wailing,

"I WANNA SEE THE HAWT BOY BAND!"

Canas sighed. "Perhaps we should just let her stay…"

"No!" Kent yelled. He ran over to Della, dived to the ground, and threw his arms around her legs. "Please let me save my lady, PLEASE!"

"Woah!" Sain exclaimed. "KENT is begging?"

Della bent down and patted the red knight's flaming hair. "Sain, you must understand…everything we're doing, from the newfangled sci-fi parody to the running at the speed of biology to letting his princess go unsaved…it's all against Kent's nature. Completely. If we go much further, he might have a nervous breakdown."

"Nervous breakdown?" asked Lucius in a panic. "No! He can't have a nervous breakdown! Haven't you heard my conversations with Renault? I'm extremely empathic! If he has a nervous breakdown, I'LL have a nervous breakdown!"

"Say it one more time and I'm going to 'nervous breakdown' you," Sain threatened.

"Sain!" Della snapped, "You aren't helping! He's the protagonist, you must be polite."

"B-but I'm the Jedi Master—" Sain tried to protest, but Della had already turned to Kent.

"Look," she said kindly, "If Vaida's a Sith, or whatever, that means she's a bad guy. So we'll probably find her here. And then we can go save Lyn. Okay?"

"Okay," Kent sniffed, getting to his feet.

Everything was about to go right.

And then everyone suddenly heard a great, high-pitched scream of "ORLANDO BLOOOOOOOM!" and saw his mass of fangirls rush by. Then, to everyone's surprise…Della started following them.

"What are you DOING?" asked Sain. "They're the enemy!"

"I'm not in it for Bloom, I'm in it for Depp and the word 'commodore'!" Della retorted.

"But wait!" Kent cried. "We still must save Lady Lyndis!" (Yes, yes, we all love our redundant little Sword-wielding Chivalrous Redhead.)

"Princess Lyn!" Nils corrected irritably.

"YOU save her!" shouted Della from over her shoulder. "I'm going to see a pirate movie with King Arthur and a French-Canadian!"

Della ran away, and Canas raised an eyebrow, wondering how she came to know King Arthur and then wondering what the heck a French-Canadian was.

Lowen sighed. "Well, at least now she's out of our hair."

"Metaphorically speaking of course, right?" Sain asked with a touch of sarcasm, looking at the cavalier.

"But what are we going to do now?" Lucius asked. "We're down another character—and Mace Windu is a pretty awful character to lose. Besides, if we've got me, Yoda, Chewbacca, Obi Wan Kentobi, Ser-raPO, Nils2D2, and Canas Olo…but we're down Mace Windu and Princess Lyn...we can't be politically correct! Because now we have no girls!"

"I'm a girl!" Serra shrieked.

"You're a droid," Nils corrected.

"We really do need a girl," insisted Lucius, being the monk and being UBER-SENSITIVE about making sure there were girls around…because if there weren't, then everyone might revert back to their original theory that _Lucius_ actually was a girl.

"But where would we find one that could fit into the Jedi arc?" Lowen asked desperately. No one said anything, as they were all thinking hard. And then Canas suddenly remembered Heath, who had been left with Priscilla the Costume Designer.

For the first time in his shaman career, Canas smiled a very, very Evil Smile.

* * *

_A/N: Once more, as I began to lose inspiration for this story, some randomly walked up to me on the bike path and tripped me and ran me over…oh yeah, inspiration never hits me, it always brutally abuses me. (Grins)_

_Well, it seems summer has not daunted my unhealthy love for bio, as proved by Canas, Marcus, and Lowen…and the fact that I found it amusing rather than painful to find how fast bruises formed after I got wrecked on said earlier bike path (yeah, it really did happen). Klutz now and forever!_

_The crack about the bad guy audience throwing babies is a spin off of a—you guessed it—inside joke. I have too many of those, don't I…and oh yeah—like Nergal, I have been unable to stop saying "Silly goose". (laughs). AND…Legault's quote of "The worst they can do is kill us" is actually said by Agravaine (Gawain and Gaheris's brother) in The Once and Future King by T.H White. A little girl is afraid and he tells her "The worst it can do is kill you". Isn't he a nice boy? Yay Arthurian Lore!_

_Yes, I'm sure Kent really would have a nervous breakdown if he were to be prevented from saving Lyn. Haha…yay cliché, eh? That totally rhymed…(looks afraid)._

_WHOO! So that's chapter 24! Tune in next time (hopefully soon, next time) for…CHAPTER 25! EGAD, what a plot twist!_


	25. Chapter 25! Dark Night Black

_A/N: Alright! Finally I got this new chapter up…25 chapters! It's…like…an anniversary, or something! (laughs) Or not…well, this chapter's where the arc draws to a close. Luckily I've already got theme of the next arc planned, so we don't have to wait around for Inspiration to come knock the crap out of me (grins)._

_**CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE—DARK NIGHT BLACK**_

"No," said Heath stubbornly.

"C'mon," Nils begged.

"No!" the wyvern rider insisted.

"But we need you!"

"_No!"_

"Please, Heath?"

"NO!"

"BOW TO ME!" Nils screamed, losing patience and whipping out his flute and proceeding to beat Heath up with it.

"I say!" exclaimed Canas, "Stop that, Nils2D2! We need Padme! Perhaps she can bring out the light in Darth Vaida! After all…she was married to him once…"

"I am NOT married to Vaida!" Heath screeched.

Canas looked confused. "Hmm…you may have a point there. For if you were, both Lucius and Lady Lyn would be your children, and Darth Vaida would end up killing Obi Wan Kentobi."

"Impossible," Serra scoffed. "You don't kill Kent, it just isn't done!"

"And I can't be killed!" Kent protested. "I need to save Lady Lyndis!"

"Lovesick much?" Sain asked with a laugh.

Canas's look of confusion turned to one of horror. "Oh dear Elimine…Princess Leia ends up with Han Solo."

"That's you!" said Nils, taking a break from beating up Heath to point at Canas.

Kent took a deep breath.

And then dove for Canas with his sword suddenly equipped.

"Hold it, partner!" cried Sain, restraining the red knight. "We're not going to get anywhere if you all start fighting! Now…all we need to do is turn Heath into the Beauteous Padme, and we can go rescue Princess Lyn."

"I…will…not…be…Padme," Heath seethed.

"But you're already wearing her costume," Serra pointed out. Indeed, Heath's long hair was ridiculously styled and he was wearing multi-colored lipstick. Priscilla the Costume Designer giggled from behind him.

"I WILL NOT BE PADME!" repeated Heath in an angry roar. The other Jedi looked down at the ground. It seemed there was nothing they could do to sway him otherwise. Heath felt satisfied until he felt a tug on his sleeve and looked down to see Priscilla.

"They're all depending on you," she whispered.

Heath moaned. "But I don't want to! It's embarrassing!"

"…Please, Heath?"

The wyvern knight couldn't resist. Her eyes were too wide, her lower lip stuck out too much…and she was too scary when she was angry.

"Oh…fine," he grumbled.

"It's about time!" Nils exclaimed.

Lucius nodded. "Come now…we must go rescue Princess Lyn!"

So all the Jedi ran off to the Bad Guy's Fortress.

THUS FAR!

The bad guys in the Auditorium of Evil were going absolutely crazy, because they loved the Dave Matthew's Band so much. Well…they loved Jaffar and Legault, anyway. They were kind of trying to destroy Matthew as they listened to the concert.

"Stop jumping around, Matthew!" Legault ordered after his snazzy drum set solo. "It's ruining your playing!"

"It's kind of hard to play guitar and avoid javelins at the same time!" Matthew screamed angrily, still hopping about.

"That's amazing!" said Ephidel from the audience. "Who knew it was possible for a person to perform AND dodge all at once?"

"Who knew it was possible for _you _to walk AND breathe all at once?" Sonia muttered sarcastically.

"Shut up," Nergal ordered her.

Sonia gaped. "Y-you can't tell me to shut up! I always say just the right amount of words! You made me perfect! I'M PERFECT!"

"Shut up, Perfect," Nergal ordered again, this time more irritably. "I'm trying to come up with a Dastardly Deed to do."

"In the middle of this great concert?" Limstella asked in surprise.

Nergal sneered. "I finally understand why Athos hates rock music with such a passion. It's burning off my evil ears. If I listen to any more, I might become insane and join the Good Guys."

"Ooh!" Ephidel squealed, raising his hand. "Let me come with you!"

Ephidel was immediately set upon by all the other morphs.

"I must amuse myself SOMEHOW…" Nergal muttered. Suddenly he brightened. "I believe I have just cooked up my most evil short-term plan yet!"

"What is it, Master?" asked Sonia eagerly, looking up from where she and her fellows were beating up Ephidel.

"I shall…torture my arch foe some more!"

"Brilliant!" Limstella looked up as well, sounding thrilled. "How are you going to do that?"

Nergal smiled his Evil Smile. "First…I'm going to need some bait."

* * *

"Nils…" Kent asked suspiciously as they Jedi made for the Bad Guy's Fortress, "Why is the word 'bait' suddenly written in neon pink across your back?"

"HUH?" Nils cried, frantically trying to turn around and see his own back.

"Wow," Sain cried in amazement, "Kent is right!"

"I CAN'T SEE IT! WHERE IS IT?"

"That's a pretty vibrant color," Lowen noted, missing the irony that he shouldn't have been able to see it at all.

"GET IT OFF ME, GET IT OFF ME!"

"I wonder why it just randomly appeared?" Canas mused.

And then suddenly Sonia popped up, grabbed Nils, and disappeared.

"NOOOOOooooo!" Lucius screamed, Skywalker-style. "The coolest droid has disappeared!"

"What now?" shrieked Serra.

"To the Fortress!" ordered Kent. "Hurry! Before anything ironic happens!"

* * *

"Brothers are such wonderful things," said Rebecca fondly, lost in reminiscence.

Priscilla smiled. "They certainly are."

"They might be annoying sometimes," said Hector, "but at least you know they're always there."

Ninian was about to speak, but her Sister Sense started tingling.

"Oh no," she whispered, her eyes wide with horror, before rushing out of the room with her hand over her heart.

"Cruel, cruel irony?" Hector asked Rebecca.

The archer nodded. "Yup."

* * *

"Lord Eliwood!" cried Marcus, bursting into the throne room where Eliwood was sitting and recovering from Hector's How-Not-To-Be-A-Pansy Lessons. Hector had stomped off saying something about a semi-evil plan, and Eliwood was a bit worried…

"Ah, Marcus! What is the matter?"

"My lord, Priscilla told Rebecca who told Lord Hector who told Lord Uther who told Matthew who told Oswin who told me that Nergal has captured Nils and used him as bait to capture Ninian!"

"What?" Eliwood cried, jumping up from his throne.

"Yes, my lord. Ninian went after Nils, and now Nergal has her as his prisoner!"

"I must save her!" Eliwood declared. He ran for Durandal…until he remembered that the Jedi stole it. With a heavy sigh he got his rapier instead, and then dashed out the door. He almost ran into Hector in the doorway.

"There you are!" the blue-haired lord exclaimed. "So you've heard about Ninian?"

"Yes, and I'm going to save her!"

"Are you now," said Hector, raising an eyebrow. "Shouldn't you be going after Durandal?"

"Hector, I don't have time for thi—"

"Shut it, pansy, and come on!" With that, Hector grabbed Eliwood by the collar and all but dragged him away.

* * *

"We're almost there!" Kent said as all the Jedi ran towards the Bad Guy's Fortress. "Only ten feet more to run! We can make it!"

"YOU all can!" Heath called angrily, "but I can't! Do you know how hard it is to run in this REDICULOUS dress? I'm not going any further!"

To emphasize his point, he plopped himself down on the ground and folded his arms, desperate to protect his wicked-tight-and-manly-wyvern-rider-ness.

"No!" Canas cried. "We're so close! Padme, we need you!"

"Don't call me that!" Heath glared furiously at the other Jedi. "No one needs a Padme!

What's she ever good for?"

"Looking FINE, of course," said Sain matter-of-factly.

"That's not a talent! Honestly, go on without me! I quit! How can you be useful as Padme?"

"Padme is good at…umm…pep talks!" suggested Canas. "Please, Heath!"

"Fine, fine." Heath heaved a weary sigh before standing up and walking over to Lucius. "Alright," he snapped, "let's get something straight. YOU…are the protagonist! You are Lucius Skywalker! You are wicked tight and ma--…okay, well, you're not manly at all. But you can still be wicked tight! So go out there and prove your worth!"

"W-what happens if I fail?" Lucius asked softly.

Heath shrugged. "Then Vaida pwns your sorry rear end."

"…What is 'pwn'…?"

"It means she'll kill you 'till you're dead," Heath explained with brutal honesty.

Lucius whimpered and ran to go hide behind Serra. Canas looked perturbed. Nils looked worried. We think Lowen rolled his eyes, but we aren't sure. And Sain said, rather sarcastically,

"You're such a help, Padme."

"Don't call me that!" cried Heath.

* * *

"Aha!" Hector cried, pointing to the group of bickering Jedi clustered around the Bad Guy's Fortress. "There they are, and Lucius has Durandal!"

Eliwood was still struggling against the grip Hector had on his collar, trying to get into the Fortress and save Ninian.

"Wow," Hector mused. He barely noticing the fight Eliwood was putting up, "By capturing your girlfriend, Nergal actually HELPED me with my semi-evil plan! Now, Eliwood, comes your test." He let Eliwood go.

"Test?" the redheaded lord asked, rubbing his sore neck.

"Yup," said Hector, putting a hand on his friend's shoulder. "You have to make a big decision to show you're not a pansy. You have to pick: sword…or woman. Something really big and masculine…or a love that proves you're actually a man."

Eliwood opened his mouth to protest angrily but Hector kept talking.

"You have to choose, now. This could affect your reputation as the hero of a well-rated RPG game. Just remember…if you choose the woman, I doubt you will have another chance to get a sword that big. And if you choose the sword…well, you're the sensitive protagonist, I doubt you'll have any trouble finding _another_ woman."

Eliwood sighed. "…Fine. I have made my decision."

"Yeah!" Hector cheered. "Now go over there and give Lucius what—"

"_I'm coming, Ninian_!" Eliwood screamed, running off in her direction.

Hector stood there a long moment. Finally he smacked his forehead and bellowed, "PANSY!"

**

* * *

"Come on, Heath!" Sain begged.**

"We must go save Nils!" cried Canas.

"And Lady Lyndis!" (Well, we all know who said THAT).

"AND THE HAWT BOY BAND'S IN THERE!" screeched Serra.

"And we must restore goodness to the world!" exclaimed Lucius.

:By defeating Darth Vaida!" Lowen added.

"Stop calling me that," came a very grumpy voice. All the Jedi looked upwards in surprise to see Vaida and Umbriel landing in front of them.

There was a stunned silence, as if none of them believed this was finally happening.

And then all of them screamed, except for Lowen at first, who couldn't see why they were screaming. But he heard them start, so he followed along. And then they were all screaming and running around in circles like chickens with their heads cut off…or fangirls with their hair cut off. Pick the best simile.

"Why are you all screaming and running around like similes?" asked Nils irritably.

Everyone froze and looked at the dragon boy.

"Nils!" Canas uttered happily, "You've escaped from Nergal!"

"Of course I have! I'm a—"

"Flute player, we know, we know," said Sain, rolling his eyes.

"Yeah. So…uh…what are you all doing?" Nils eyed the ragtag Jedi impersonators confusedly.

"We are battling Darth Vaida!" said Lucius.

"…We are?" Kent asked skeptically.

"We are right now!" Lucius—with much difficulty—dragged Durandal towards Vaida with a rather peaceful, monk-tastic battle cry.

Vaida raised an eyebrow, took out an iron lance, and totally smacked the mighty blade out of Lucius's hands since he wasn't experienced enough to wield it.

**"Lucius!" **Vaida roared in victory. **"I am your _mother!" _**

"Don't you mean my _father?" _Lucius asked hesitantly.

"No, I'm your mother."

"Are you sure? You really look more like my father…"

"YOUR MOM REALLY LOOKS MORE LIKE MY FATHER!" Darth Vaida retorted furiously.

"NOOOOOOOooooooooooo!" screamed Lucius, Skywalker-Style.

Lowen winced at Vaida's insult. "That was low."

"I've never seen such a formidable Yo Mama joke in all my life!" Canas exclaimed, appalled.

Serra rolled her eyes. "I'm bored. I wanna see the hawt boy band."

"Hurry!" Sain urged Lucius on. "Serra will go berserk if you don't finish off Vaida and get her into the Dave Matthew's Band Concert!"

"B-but what do I do?" Lucius cast his eyes around wildly for a weapon, to no avail.

"Use the force, Luce!" screamed Sain.

"Luce?" Lucius asked in confusion. "What Luce? _This _Luce?" He pulled a light tome out of his robes and aimed it at Vaida.

If Karel weren't locked up, he would have yelled **"Boom! HEADSHOT." **The force of Lucius's spell knocked Vaida off of her wyvern.

"Hey," Lucius exclaimed happily, "it worked!"

"Neat!" said Serra with a grin. "Your nickname is the same name as your spellbook! Isn't it just SUCH a coincidence, Kent?"

The red knight didn't reply. He was too busy clutching his head and trying to block out the irony of it all.

* * *

"MUAHAHA!" cackled Nergal, setting a bound and gagged Ninian in the seat beside him.

"Hey!" cried Sonia. "That's MY seat!"

Nergal raised an eyebrow. "Do you want a chivalrous sword-wielding redhead to come and rescue you?"

Sonia thought about it. "…No. No, not really."

"THEN PICK ANOTHER SEAT!" Nergal roared. Sonia skulked off, and the uber-dark mage just sat down to wait for Eliwood. Ninian waited patiently as well, rather enjoying the concert.

"No!" Nergal snapped to her. "If you're not in distress, Eliwood won't come! BE IN DISTRESS, darn you!"

Ninian gave a weak thrash in her chair, as if trying to escape.

And right on cue, the doors to the Auditorium of Evil burst open to reveal Eliwood.

"Let her go, dastard!" the redhead cried.

Nergal cackled. "Make me! You'll never get her…the Auditorium of Evil is filled with my minions! ATTACK!"

The minions ignored their master, being too busy watching the Dave Matthew's Band to attack.

"Fine," Nergal said with a scowl. "You may be alive, but you'll never get to me through that mob of screaming fans!"

Eliwood struggled valiantly, but found that he indeed could not get closer. The bandits and soldiers were generic, after all, and kept popping up again after he had defeated them.

"Eliwood!" Hector yelled, running down to his friend.

"Hector!" Eliwood turned around in surprise. "You came!"

Hector shrugged. "Hey, you're less of a pansy if you've earned the friendship of someone like me. So I'll help you out."

"But how…?"

Hector promptly smashed Armads into one of the bandits, sending an immense shockwave through the room that made the audience part in half like the red sea. Meaning Nergal and Ninian were entirely exposed.

"Hector…" Eliwood breathed.

Hector chucked and hoisted his enormous axe over his shoulder. "Pretty good, eh?"

"No," Eliwood reprimanded. "It was rude, and even a bit blasphemous."

"Shut up and go save your woman!" Hector roared, pointing to Nergal.

Eliwood was already halfway there.

* * *

"I challenge thee!" Kent cried, pointing his sword in Vaida's direction.

"What's with the 'thee', Kent?" asked Sain.

"Ooh!" Canas raised his hand in a 'pick-me' kind of manner. "Kent has lapsed into the high language of chivalry! All the knights in the King Arthur books talk like that!"

"But he's supposed to be Obi Wan Kentobi!" Sain protested.

Canas shrugged. "When a knight's speaking the high language, I'm afraid there's no stopping him."

Vaida struggled to her feet, still warily watching Kent's sword. "You _what?"_

"The good monk Lucius Skywalker hath knocked thee from thy mount, now thou must combat me with thine sword! I shall not rest until I have rescued the Lady Lyndis!"

Vaida scowled. "It's a good thing Wyvern Lords can actually _use _swords…" She jumped to her feet and pulled one out from behind her back (like MAGIC!). "But you'll never get Lady Lyn! I must keep her locked up so no one can accuse Umbriel of eating those stupid cinnamon buns on her ears and getting fat! MY WYVERN IS NOT FAT! And what kind of idiot glues cinnamon buns to her head, anyway?"

"Vile fiend! Insult not a maiden, lest ye be slain!" cried Kent.

And then he and Vaida began their Epic Duel.

Of course, since Kent's such a pwner, it was nearly over before it began. (Lucius using the "Force" didn't hurt much, either.)

"Yield, recreant." Kent stood over Vaida's fallen form and pointed his sword at her neck.

"Fine," Vaida spat out. "Lady Lyn's in the Fortress…with the Bad Guys. Go get her."

Lowen cheered. "Yay! We win!"

Kent sheathed his sword, looking thoughtful. "I wonder what she is doing in there…"

"Watching a hawt boy band!" Serra squawked.

* * *

Lyn was indeed watching the Dave Matthew's Band. She thought it was amusing to see Matthew run around in his desperate attempt to not be killed. She thought it was even more amusing to see Eliwood's valiant rescue of Ninian. Once the lord had gotten to the dragon girl, he had just cut her bonds and took her with him to go watch the rest of the concert. Nergal, yelling indignantly about how Eliwood didn't even have the courage to fight him, was immediately set upon by a mob of boy scouts.

SO! All the Jedi finally rescued Lyn, Eliwood finally rescued Ninian, and they all decided it was a good time to get away from the bad guys. So they left. And then the bad guys left.

"I say," Canas declared back at the Random Castle, "I think we've had enough of Star Wars Parody for a while, eh?"

"YES!" screamed Heath. "NO MORE STAR WARS!"

"Please," added Kent.

Canas chortled. "All in all I'd say today has been very fun. But somehow I can't shake the feeling that we forgot something…"

* * *

"Somehow I get the feeling that we've been forgotten," said Matthew, looking morosely out into the dark and empty Auditorium of Evil.

Legault scowled. "Great, just great. You made me melt in Nabata, you made me freeze in Ilia, no one saw us play on the Dread Isle, and NOW we're all forgotten!"

Jaffar said nothing.

"Yes," said Nino with a sigh. "Perhaps it's time to end our tour."

"FINALLY!" screamed Legault.

Matthew stared moodily out into the Auditorium again. "Legault…d'you think…do you think we're over?"

"Over? What do you mean?"

"Were we just a fad? Are people done with us now? Did they leave because we're officially 'old'?"

Legault raised an eyebrow. "Matthew…they left because the concert is over."

"Oh yeah!" Matthew brightened. "So…the tour's over…now what do we do, fellow band members?"

Jaffar said nothing.

Nino grinned. "That's an absolutely wonderful idea."

* * *

_Haha…this was very fun to write. I suppose it's lame when I look back on it, but whatever. I must say, Inspiration had a very good punch where Lucius mixed up his name with the spell…and I suppose it was just me being random when I came up with the term " monk-tastic!" Maybe I should start saying that…(laughs)_

_Oh, and I know Padme isn't a Jedi…but they needed a girl so they wouldn't rebound on Lucius. And the title of the story refers to the best Jedi…hehe, disregard that. It's too long a story. Anyway! Please review, yada yada yada, I suppose I'll see y'all next chapter!_


	26. Chapter 26! Lionel Rampant

_A/N: Behold, my loyal readers who all deserve more cookies, the Utter Chaos that is Chapter Twenty-six AND…a brand new arc! What havoc will this new plot bring? What is this new plot anyway? Well, it becomes apparent in the fourth sentence of the chapter, so I guess you don't have long to wait to find out…_

_**CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX—LIONEL RAMPANT**_

This chapter begins with Della realizing that she has a problem. A big problem. Like, a problem the size of two different armies, two different worlds, and two different binary codes.

"FIRE EMBLEM SACRED STONES CHARACTERS!" she wailed, banging her head against the outside wall of the Random Castle. "Here! In Fire Emblem 7! Gaaah, this is a disaster!"

"What's a disaster?" asked Eliwood, coming up beside her. A big hill sloped below them, turning into a plain that stretched to the horizon. "I don't see anything disastrous……" The lord went pale. "Never mind."

"What is it, Eliwood?" asked Lyn, joining him.

"A whole…army…" Eliwood said weakly, gazing down the hill. Lyn looked, too.

"WOAH!" she yelled. "That's…impossible!"

"You have NO idea!" Della moaned.

But somehow it had happened. All of the Fire Emblem 8 characters were camped out in the middle of Rekka no Ken.

"Now what?" Eliwood asked his tactician. Della raised an eyebrow, as if to say _I'm a tactician, not a graphic designer. How am I supposed to know?_

"I know what to do!" said Lyn. "We go see if they're friends are enemies!" She marched down the hill in a very Lyn-like manner, immediately followed by Kent (who of course couldn't take the chance of his lady being harmed) and Sain (who of course couldn't take the chance of Kent having all the fun).

And pretty much everyone else followed those two, because Sain and Kent are just so dang cool.

Eliwood and Della sighed, finally following as well.

----------

The FE7 army walked into the camp of the FE8 army—and right into the middle of an argument. A young woman with aqua colored hair was in the process of being torn in two, with a red-haired knight yanking on one of her arms, and a purple-haired magic user yanking on the other.

"She'll never go with you!" cried the knight. "You have been corrupted, Lyon!"

"But I am her dearest friend, whereas you are only her knight, Seth!" the dark mage taunted.

"Villain!" yelled Seth.

"Lout!" Lyon yelled back.

"Whelp!"

"Cur!"

"Knave!"

"Heathen!"

"Vile fiend!"

"Callow oaf!"

"DASTARD!"

"Oh, come on," said Della. "You just can't argue with a word like 'dastard'! Seth totally wins."

"I'll never let that cad win!" cried a shifty-looking archer, grabbing the young woman's blue hair to try and yank her away from Lyon and Seth.

"Innes, you are NOT getting Eirika!" said another man exasperatedly. He looked a lot like Eirika, and he walked up and easily tore her away from the other three.

"Oooh…" said a Pegasus rider with her dark blue hair up in a ponytail. "Ephraim likes Eirika…"

"I do not, Tana!" cried Ephraim, tugging at his hair in a frenzy. "How many times do I have to tell you people that? She's my SISTER! That's just WRONG!"

"Hmm," said Sain with a very Sain-like glint in his eye, "If that one man doesn't want that woman, _I _shall be happy to—"

He was promptly cut off when Priscilla, Serra, Isadora, Lyn, Florina, Fiora, and Farina punched him at the same time. Louise added a punch too, just for good measure.

"OWW!" screamed Sain.

"Quiet, you," Lyn ordered her knight. "There is an entire army here, and we can't start our first impression badly! It is best if we become allies."

The blue-haired girl who had been rescued from the quarreling men was glaring at all four of them—as they were now busy commencing the yelling of medieval insults at each other—whilst rubbing one aching arm with another.

"Hello," said Lyn, approaching her. "My name is Lyn. Who are you?"

The girl looked at the Sacaean. "Oh, hello! My name is Eirika. I use swords, I'm a tomboy despite the fact I'm always wearing a skirt, and I'm so pathetic because I'm in love with my knight."

Sword-wielding-Skirt-wearing-Kent-loving Lyn's jaw dropped.

"That's just too creepy," said Karel and Marisa…at the same time. Both of them went pale and stared at each other, stuttering things in unison.

"Wait…did you just say what I just said? You did it again! There! STOP IT! You know that I'm more mysterious than you!" They each struck the same Mysterious Pose, before screeching "STOP DOING THAT!"

"Losers," snorted Colm, watching the sword-wielders.

"Totally," Matthew agreed.

Colm glared suspiciously at Matthew and raised an eyebrow. "You're a thief?"

"Actually I'm an Ostian sp—I mean…yeah, thief. Let's go with that." Matthew grinned disarmingly.

Colm shrugged. He turned his eyes back to the increasingly-freaked-out Karel and Marisa…then yelled "YOINK!" and snatched Matthew's coin purse.

Matthew had done the same thing at the same time.

The two stood staring at each other, holding the other's money and looking just a little confused.

"…You said 'yoink'…" said Colm weakly. "That proves you're a thief."

"Just like the fact that I have your money in my hand proves I'm a thief," Matthew added.

"Yeah, that too."

Matthew looked at Colm a moment longer. Finally he smiled, and slowly asked,

"Hey…do you know what a guitar is?"

----------

"This is…incredible," said Eliwood, staring at Ephraim.

Ephraim gazed back. "You look just like me…but with red hair!"

"And you show every ounce of justice, chivalry, story-line talent, and filial piety that I do!" Eliwood exclaimed.

Della looked back and forth between the two. "Well, if you really want to go into huge character depth comparisons you can draw out the differences that Ephraim does not express love as bluntly as Eliwood, plus he actually prefers to fight and is obviously more competitive."

"Obviously," snorted Innes, walking to her side.

Della glared at him. "You're one to talk! And you call yourself a tactician…HA!" She sniffed haughtily. "If you're such a good tactician, how did you ever get to be stuck with Gerik and Tethys in a ruin surrounded by enemies with Eirika as your only hope, anyway?"

"Who do you think you are?" Innes snapped at her. "How dare you talk to a prince of Frelia in such a manner!"

"I'll talk however I feel like talkin', dawg!"

"Doggie?" Nils and Ewan both asked eagerly, running towards Della and accidentally colliding into each other.

"Hello," said Ewan to Nils, not the least bit dazed.

"Hello," Nils said back, also not the least bit dazed.

"I like fire!"

"I like music!"

"Let's be friends!"

"Okay!"

Kent stared at the two children from a distance in confusion. In fact, Kent was staring at everybody in confusion. It was mass chaos—everywhere people were finding people just like them, colliding in a multi-colored-hair mess of soldiers, yelling at each other and laughing at each other. People he knew blended right in with people he didn't know.

Kent decided it was utter havoc.

"This is utter havoc," a voice muttered.

Kent turned to find…a very thorough (and rather good-looking, I simply must add) mix of himself and Marcus.

"You…" the Crimson Shield whispered in disbelief. "You're the complementary paladin…the Marcus…the Jeigan…"

"I am General Seth of Renais," the man introduced himself.

"You're another redhead!" Kent accused in awe.

"It is very nice to meet you."

Kent smiled, deciding this new—and quite remarkably Kent-like—knight was in fact quite sane. For ONCE, Kent met someone sane. "It is…very nice to meet you, too."

"Hello, Kent…" Eliwood said, stepping up to the two knights. "Ah, I see you've met General Seth! Yes, he is highly commended by Prince Ephraim and Princess Eirika."

"As a general…" Kent reasoned with a slow smile, "You certainly _must _know how to use swords…and obey the laws of chivalry…"

"But of course," said Seth.

Eliwood and Kent looked at each other and grinned.

From a distance, the Pegasus Sisters watched the three men talk.

"Egad!" Farina screeched, pointing to where Eliwood, Kent, and Seth were clustered in a circle. "This is a disaster! That man with the blood-colored hair…he can't talk to Lord Eliwood and Kent!"

"W-why not?" asked Florina.

"Because now there are THREE chivalrous sword-wielding redheads!"

"OooooohILOVEchivarlrousswordweildingredheads!" Fiora screeched, running over to join the group of men.

"Eeeeevil vixen," Della seethed, closing her eyes so she could "accidentally" not see that bandit over in yonder bush and watch Fiora die a gruesome, axe-y death. Unbeknownst to the tactician, Ninian and Lyn and Eirika were also doing the same thing.

Yet somehow Fiora survived, for just as the bandit was about to dive for her with his axe raised, an arrow imbedded itself in his eye and he fell to the ground, dead.

**"Boom!" **said Karel from a ways away. **"Headshot."**

Della looked around, trying to find who had made such an accurate shot. Innes walked towards her with a smirk on his face.

"Who is the tactician now?" he asked triumphantly. "You did not even see that enemy! One of your own might have died!"

Before Della could tell them that was sort of the point, Louise walked up with her bow in her hand.

"That was an amazing shot!" she said to Innes. "You must be a sniper!"

Innes eyed Louise's bow, which was…pretty much as big as she was. "You must be a sniper as well."

"Indeed." Louise smiled. "Would you like to train together sometime?"

As Innes agreed and the two walked away, Della stared after them in horror.

"Oh crap…a sniper cult…this is NOT GOOD."

"It's so foreboding, isn't it?" asked Karel, mysteriously popping up beside her. "I like foreboding things!"

"And I like keeping you on parole," Wallace snapped, grabbing Karel's arm. The swordsmaster scowled.

"I wonder how these Sacred Stones characters got here?" Della mused to herself. "It's so mysterious…"

"Foreboding AND foreshadowing!" Karel exclaimed in the sick "yay death" happy exclamation only Karel was capable of.

And the chaos continued to run rampant.

----------

_A/N: Indeed, Seth is hawt:-P…hehehe. Yeah, umm…therapy. I'll go find some of that…_

_Anyway, this begins the newest line of chaos. Hope it sounds appealing to y'all, I know this chapter was a bit short but I have quite a lot of ideas for later…_

_Anyway, I coined this chapter's title more symbolically than usual…the "rampant" part comes from the book titled Lioness Rampant, by Tamora Pierce, but I changed "Lioness" to "Lionel" in honor of the knight of the round table…since we have a bunch more knights in the story now. Yay knights!_

_And…I suppose that's it for now. Reviews make me feel all fuzzy inside…:-D _


	27. Chapter 27! Dual Duels

_A/N: Holy. Cow. Last chapter got 28 reviews. That is definitely an all time high. It's ridiculous. Thank you, and I lurve you all._

_Switching topics: Free time…it is now OFFICIALLY a precious rarity. I thought homework last year was time-consuming? No. That was nothing. I was young and naïve and should have been shot for being a n00b. THIS YEAR is REDICULOUS. See, they have this new thing called "AP"…_

_**CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN—DUAL DUELS**_

"And _who,_" Lute demanded, glaring fiercely, "do you think _you _are?"

Pent's eyes widened and he took a step back from the book he was reaching for. "Why…I am Lord Pent of Etruria, of course."

"Really." Lute's eyes flickered over him, and she snatched up her book. "Do you think that gives you the right to steal my books?"

"Steal?" Pent exclaimed. "I would never! But I must admit I have a weakness when it comes to literature I have not read, and your book looked EXTREMELY interesting, so I was hoping to just leaf through it—"

"DON'T TOUCH MY BOOKS!" Lute roared. "YOU AREN'T WORTHY TO TOUCH MY BOOKS!"

"Books?" Canas shrieked elatedly, "WHERE?" He spotted the one Lute was holding and dove for it, ripping it out of her hand and then plopping himself on the ground to read.

"IT'S BEEN TAINTED!" screeched Lute, who continued to scream and yowl until Artur had to come up and pin her arms to her sides before she blew something up.

* * *

"And _who_," Raven demanded, glaring fiercely, "do you think _you _are?"

Joshua's eyes widened and he took a step back from the sword he was reaching for. "Why…I am Joshua of Jehanna, the runaway prince masquerading as a mercenary, of course."

"Really." Raven's eyes flickered over him, then he snatched up his sword. "Do you think that gives you the right to steal my swords?"

"Steal?" Joshua exclaimed. "I would never! But I must admit I have a weakness when it comes to gambling, and your sword looked EXTREMELY well made, so I was hoping you would wager it—"

"DON'T TOUCH MY SWORDS!" Raven roared. "YOU AREN'T WORTHY TO TOUCH MY SWORDS!"

"Swords?" Rennac shrieked elatedly, "WHERE?" He spotted the one Raven was holding and dove for it, ripping it out of his hand with a cry of "YOINK!" and then running away.

"IT'S BEEN STOLEN!" screeched Raven, who continued to scream and yowl until Lucius had to come up and pin his arms to his sides before he chopped something up.

* * *

"…So," said Hector slowly, "What's all this about?"

Lyn, Eliwood, Eirika, and Ephraim looked up at him kind of sheepishly from where they were all clustered in a circle near the FE8 campground.

"Well…" said Eirika, "We wanted to do something special since we're all lords…"

"What kind of something special?" Hector asked skeptically.

Lyn fiddled with her gauntlets. "We want to go on a…a journey…"

"Yes, that's a good word," Ephraim told her. "A journey."

"Yes," Lyn continued, "But it won't be the same without you…so…well, I don't know how to ask because I think we're all afraid that you'll say no…"

"Just spit it out, woman!" Hector roared.

"We're going on a Noble Quest!" Lyn said in a rush of breath.

Hector just stared at his fellow Protagonists. "Umm…alright…what is this quest for?"

Everyone went quiet and looked down at the ground, like young authors wanting to write cheesy fantasy novels but being too frightened to let anyone read them.

And there was a long silence.

And like most long silences, this one was…pretty long.

And pretty silent.

AND THEN THE FLYING PURPLE HIPPO FLEW ACROSS THE SKY WITH THE AID OF A TWENTY-THIRD CENTURY JET PACK THAT SAID "MONK-TASTIC" ON THE BACK BUT NOBODY NOTICED BECAUSE RIGHT THEN ELIWOOD JUMPED UP AND SCREAMED "WE'RE QUESTING FOR THE HOLY GRAIL!"

…Back to the long silence.

"…Wow…" said Hector finally, not knowing what else to say.

"So…" Eirika ventured timidly, "…Will you go with us? Please?"

Hector sighed. "Yeah, sure."

"Really?" Eliwood asked eagerly.

"No," was Hector's flat reply.

"Aww!" Lyn whined. "Please Hector, we can't go without all the Protagonists!"

"No!" Hector yelled. "This is lame! I don't want to go questing for some stupid cup that A) exists to a religion we've never heard of, B) exists in a world we've never heard of, and C) makes us just mimicries of some old King and his Round Table that we've NEVER HEARD OF!"

"Though that was oddly specific…" mused Ephraim.

"Pleeeease!" Eliwood begged Hector, seeing as Lyn was much too proud to beg. "You must come with us! Don't you know how cliché quest stories go? We need EVERYONE, or else we can't win!"

"Win WHAT? You're looking for a CUP!"

"Grail," Eirika corrected.

"IT'S A CUP IF I SAY IT'S A CUP!"

Ephraim's lance was at Hector's throat in an instant. "Don't…yell…at my…sister."

Hector just might have retorted, but even he could sense that Ephraim was clearly an EXTREME pwner. Even against axe fighters. Hector averted his gaze and gruffly said,

"Fine, I'll go with you all."

"YAY NOBLE QUESTS!" Eliwood cried happily, off with his rapier and sense of justice before anyone else could even take a step. They all rushed after him.

* * *

While Artur was busy calming Lute down, Erk walked up to Canas (who was still sitting on the ground and reading).

"Excuse me," said Erk, "but would that happen to be…a book?"

Canas looked up from the volume he was reading. "Yes…" he said slowly.

"Ah." Erk paused, before asking, "…May I read it?"

"Oh…well…I am still in the middle of it…" said Canas apologetically.

"Perhaps you misunderstood me." Erk's eyes flashed. "I _said_," he repeated, his voice dangerously calm, "May I read it."

"And I said I was not finished," Canas replied icily.

Erk whipped out a Thunder tome. "Give me the book."

Canas pulled out a Luna. "You shall have to kill me for it."

Erk glared at the dark magic, knowing very well that it was stronger than his anima magic but—being Erk—was absolutely desperate for a new book.

"I do not want to fight you," he said quietly, lethally, "So I will ask you one more time. Please…hand me…the literature…I have not read yet."

Just then Saleh walked by, so Canas grinned, said to Erk "Well, since you said please", handed him the book, and raced after Saleh who doubtlessly had something else to read.

Erk's eyes glazed over in pure rapture as he ran his fingertips disbelievingly over the cover.

"Book," he whispered in reverence. Hearing his own voice seemed to break him out of his studious fantasy world only to assure him that his happy dreams were indeed a reality.

"Book!" he repeated in a louder voice. "Book!" Absolutely delirious with joy, he took off running in a random direction, still shouting "book book book!", to find a place to read.

* * *

Meanwhile, Rennac was also running—both from the wrath of Raven and with a delirious joy to match Erk's—yelling "sword sword sword!" and holding his stolen goods tight.

And during this moment, he was too busy acting like a little fairy in a sixteenth century play by a certain "honey-tongued" poet to notice that he and Erk were about to collide.

"Sword sword sword!"

"Book book book!"

CRASH CRASH CRASH!

Erk and Rennac ran right into each other with such force that they both fell over, Rennac almost getting bashed in the head with Erk's treasure and Erk almost getting impaled with Rennac's. The tome and sword flew up into the sky and disappeared from sight, never to be found again.

Rennac stared up in disbelief. "What just happened?"

"I think our items just fell up," Erk answered calmly.

Rennac shrugged. "I've seen stranger things."

"As have I."

That moment over, the two exchanged apologies and got to their feet. Just as they were dusting themselves off, a pair of very high voices screeched,

"EEEERKYYY!"

"REENNAAAC!"

The two young men shuddered as one as two young women came into view, striding towards each other from opposite horizons.

"Erky," said Serra, tossing her pink pigtails, "you simply can't stray from my side like that! We have a whole 'nother army around here, you know…I could get lost! I could get hurt!"

"And that would affect me because…" Erk said.

Serra opened her mouth to reply, but the squeaky voice that sounded was not her own. It said:

"Rennac, what are you doing all the way out here? This is a new world we're in, and I need to discover what darkness here needs to be vanquished! VANQUISHED, I SAY! And YOU are supposed to help me! I AM your Princess, after all."

Erk turned and looked at the girl speaking. She was haughtily mounted on a white horse and had hair of such a color that it would look green on some futuristic handheld screen and golden in a directions booklet for some futuristic game. She looked EXTREMELY familiar to our studious little mage.

"ERK!" Serra snapped, "Stop ogling that other girl and get back to attending me!"

"I do not need to _attend _to you," Erk retorted, ruffled. "I am an escort, not a servant."

"Please, Princess L'Arachel," Rennac was sighing behind Erk, "I have something to take care of, so why don't I take you back to camp and—"

"Certainly not!" L'Arachel sniffed. "You are not my escort, you are my _servant!"_

"Servants get paid!" Rennac yelled angrily. "I don't!"

Wil popped up for a moment to inform the thief that servants probably earned way more then a roadie for the Dave Matthew's Band did, then disappeared again.

"This is too hectic!" Erk exclaimed, putting his hands over his ears. "I can't take it."

"You'll take it, for my sake," Serra decided, putting her hands on her hips and standing rather picturesquely in front of the setting sun, like a dictator would.

"Princess L'Arachel," Rennac was saying, "I have better things to do than serve you—"

"Blasphemy!" shrieked L'Arachel. "Nothing is better than aiding a quest for goodness and light! Rennac, you are to come with me right this instant!" She put her hands on her hips and sat on her horse rather picturesquely in front of the setting sun, like a dictator would.

Erk looked back and forth between Serra and L'Arachel and raised an eyebrow. "Umm…"

"Don't speak," Serra ordered him. "Just stand there and watch me be beautiful."

"But Serra, the laws of physics—"

"Oh please, I don't even know what those are."

"It doesn't matter because they're being broken anyway, but you should still know—"

"Quiet, Erky!"

"Serra, listen to—"

"Stop your intelligent chatter, it confuses my pretty little brain!"

"SERRA THERE ARE TWO SUNS!"

The cleric stopped and her eyes grew wide. She looked behind her and in front of her, and her eyes grew wider.

"…That is extremely odd," she said.

"I know, we can't have two suns this close, otherwise the gravitational pull would—"

"No, not that," she snapped irritably. "That GIRL. Who is SHE?"

From the opposite horizon, L'Arachel cocked her head and looked at Serra. "Goodness, who are YOU?" she asked.

"Who are YOU?" Serra countered. "And what are you doing stealing my sunset? You can't have a dramatic sunset behind you, it's MINE!"

"You do not own the sun," L'Arachel said haughtily, "You aren't a goddess. You're just a peasant girl—"

"WHAT?" Serra screamed. "I am no peasant! Who do you think you are?"

"I am the Beautiful Princess of Peerless Beauty, of course!"

"Oh yeah? Well I'll have you know, I'm royalty too!"

"Since when?" Erk snorted.

"Since I decided I was going to marry Lord Hector." Serra folded her arms triumphantly.

The mage rolled his eyes. "Yesterday you said you were going to marry Matthew."

"That was yesterday. Today is today."

"And tomorrow…?" Erk ventured.

"Tomorrow I'll most likely decide I want to marry you."

Erk screamed in terror, but Serra didn't hear it because she was plowing on. "Of course, that's not until tomorrow. We're focusing on the present, Erky! And as of the present, I'm going to rule Ostia!"

"Ostia…" L'Arachel mused. "Never heard of it. Is it a fish market?"

"HOW DARE YOU!" Serra screamed, running towards L'Arachel. Erk grabbed her around the waist to stop her, so she resorted to kicking her feet in the air as he dragged her backwards.

L'Arachel sighed. "Anger is such a sin…it's a good thing her lover was there to keep her from trying to hurt me, because with the will of the gods on my side she surely would have only ended up hurting herself…"

"I'm not her lover!" Erk cried, quickly letting go of Serra and backing a good twenty feet away.

"What gall!" Serra sniffed to L'Arachel. "I would never love a _servant._"

"I'm not your servant either!" Erk hollered.

L'Arachel raised an eyebrow disdainfully. "_I _have a servant. Isn't that right, Rennac?"

"……..Right," the thief admitted reluctantly.

Serra stuck her nose up in the air. "Ha! I don't need a servant anyway…_I _have an _escort! _Tell them I'm right, Erky, tell them!"

"……..She's right," Erk mumbled.

"Well, then we shall see which is better," L'Arachel said pompously. "I propose they battle!"

"Battle?" Erk and Rennac asked bewilderedly, just as Serra shouted

"I agree!"

"…I don't want to fight," Rennac said, staring at Erk.

"You have to!" Dozla yelled, popping up from behind L'Arachel's horse. "You're going to fight for your Princess and for her noble causes!"

"This is noble?" Rennac asked Erk. Erk didn't answer. He was too busy staring at L'Arachel.

"Her voice," the mage said slowly, "is not in a piccolo's register. And her hair is not pink."

Rennac eyed Serra. "And she…isn't all high-and mighty on a horse. And she has no Dozla around to give me subtle death threats."

"I don't like being an escort."

"I don't like being a servant."

"Trade?"

"Why not."

Erk scampered to L'Arachel's side and Rennac went to Serra. The two girls just stared at their companions and then at each other in shock.

"No, Erky!" Serra wailed suddenly, "I need to marry you tomorrow! You can't just leave me! You—ooooooh…you're a hottie! What's your name?"

"Rennac…"

"You are SO much better than Hector or Matthew or Erk!"

"Who?"

Meanwhile, L'Arachel was appraising Erk.

"Hmmm…I suppose you can't dance as well as Rennac can, but you'll do."

"I don't like to dance anyway."

"Then what do you like to read?"

"Everything."

"What sort of everything?"

"Dunno."

L'Arachel giggled. "You don't say much, do you?"

"No."

"What's your name?"

"Erk."

"You are SO much more delightful than Innes or Ephraim or Rennac!"

"Who?"

"Dear peasant girl!" L'Arachel called to Serra. "Yoo-hoo! Yes, your escort is simply wonderful!"

"I just adore your servant!" Serra yelled back.

"Let's be very best friends!"

"Lets!"

Each girl grabbed her new male friend's arm and walked off into their respective sunsets.

* * *

_A/N: For the usual references…yes, Ephraim does pwn Hector, and "little fairy in a sixteenth century play by a certain 'honey-tongued' poet" is OBVIOUSLY a reference to Puck from A Midsummer Night's Dream by William Shakespeare. _

_NOW. Things are getting increasingly difficult to write, especially since I have almost NO free time and have more things to write than ever. I am going to apologize in advance for the delays before future chapters…never fear, however, they WILL keep coming. Reviews distract me from my homework…which is a GOOD thing, by the way…so please drop one by if you aren't too busy yourself :-)._


	28. Chapter 28! Adventurealiscious

_A/N: ALRIGHT, well this time I actually had this written ON TIME but couldn't post it due to various reasons….arrrg. Terribly sorry about all that. Anyway, on with the random chaos, wot wot._

_Oh, and this chapter is adventure-a-liscious. In case you ignored the title :-P._

_**CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT—ADVENTUREALISCIOUS**_

"Phew!" Erk mumbled, dashing his hand across his brow. "That was WAY too close. I almost didn't escape."

"OH ERK!" L'Arachel hollered as she galloped by on her white steed. "I NEED YOU TO PUT DOWN THAT BOOK AND HELP ME VANQUISH THE EVIL!"

Erk whimpered softly and sank down into the shadows of one of the FE8 camp tents, clutching a book to his chest. Luckily, L'Arachel didn't see him and passed him by. Erk sighed with relief and opened the book. It was a book from Rausten, and one like no other he'd ever encountered, seeing as he was from a different game and all that. He didn't care if the evil L'Arachel was ranting about destroyed the world—as long as he could read that book and discover it's spells and mysteries, nothing else would matter.

He flipped to a page about fire and his whole face lit up.

Oh yes, Erk liked fire.

"OHMIGOSH IT'S FIRE!" a little voice screeched.

Erk looked up to see a redheaded child bending over to read the book. "…Excuse me, who are you?"

"Oh, I'm Ewan and I like fire!" the boy said enthusiastically.

Erk smiled slightly. "I do, too."

"Ewan," a new, older voice called irritably, "Where are you, student? Ah, there you are…" Saleh hurried into view, saw the book Erk was holding, and happily yelled, "FIRE!"

"Where?" Pent exclaimed, popping up. Erk looked around at the three people suddenly sharing his book.

"Perhaps we all like this just a little too much…" he mumbled, looking to the elated faces of the other magic users.

"Nonsense!" said Ewan.

"SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION!" Pent added, just because it had to do with the topic and sounded quite like something he'd say.

"We should make a club," Saleh said. "Normally I'm too busy hiding away in the mountains studying the world, but for the sake of brotherhood and the humanity we all share, I say we should all join hands and create a wonderful kinship of men who all can share the same values and love of fire! And use that love to help the whole world, of course."

Pent fixed Saleh with a long stare before telling him, "You…are a hippie."

"But we have a club!" Ewan yelled, throwing his arms in the air. "Club, club, club!"

"It sounds like more of a cult to me," Erk muttered.

Ewan began running around in circles. "WOOOO! Cult, cult, cult, cult!"

Della flew over them on Hubert the Pegasus, and realized with terror what they were doing. "Houston?" she said into a walkie-talkie. "We have a problem…"

* * *

"FOR THE LAST TIME!" Raven bellowed into the walkie-talkie in his hand. "MY NAME IS NOT HOUSTON!"

"Lord Raymond!" Lucius cried, running up to his mercenary friend. "What are you doing?"

"It's not Raymond!" Raven snapped angrily. "It's not Houston, either! It's RAVEN, now! RAVEN!"

He continued to rant and rave to preserve his pathetic attempt to change his name to something more dark, mysterious, emo, and brooding, but Lucius ignored all the anger and asked,

"What is that thing in your hand?"

"What, the walkie-talkie?" Raven stopped yelling to look down at the device in his hand.

"Yes…where did you get it?"

"Oh. Umm…I don't know. I just sort of had it."

"MUAHAHAHA!" a new voice cackled.

Lucius whipped his head back and forth as he searched for the nefarious laughter, and his lips opened to let out his familiar monk-tastic cry of "EEEEEEVVIILLLLL!"

Raven scowled and raised an eyebrow. "There's no evil. There's nobody here but me and you and a walkie-talkie that keeps calling me Houston."

"But didn't you hear the laugh?" Lucius tugged on Raven's sleeve. "You must've heard the laugh! Only evil people laugh the Evil Laugh!"

"But there's nobody here who COULD have laughed it," Raven protested.

Lucius's eyes narrowed. "I'm afraid we have some serious foreshadowing on our hands."

* * *

THUS FAR! Isadora, Lute, and Merlinus had gotten VERY bored, and this storyteller decided it was high time for another parody. What this parody is shall be made very clear since at this moment Isadora jumped up and said,

"Hola! Soy Isadora…Isadora the Explorer!"

"And I'm Lutes!" Lute seconded, cartwheeling to Isadora's side. "I'm the best ever!"

"Let's go to the Lagdou Ruins!" said Isadora in a very high, bright, slow voice used only for small children. "Do _you _want to go to the Ruins?"

She waited a moment until Nils and Amelia, who were sitting cross-legged in front of her, cheered "yes!". Then she grinned at them both.

"Ruins, Ruins!" Lutes chittered happily, jumping up and down. "They're almost as cool as me!"

"But I'll need some help to get there!" Isadora the Explora announced. "Let's check the Map! Maybe it can tell us how to get to the Ruins!"

Suddenly everything was gone, replaced with that oh-so-familiar map of Magvel on a futuristic handheld screen (EVERYONE who beat Sacred Stones should have this mental image in their head!). Except for this time, the map wasn't singing out FE8 music. It was singing something very different.

"If there's a place you gotta go, I'm the one you need to know, I'm the—"

"Don't even start," Nils warned. "That's a direct copyright infringement. Do the parody."

The map sighed and started again.

"I know what you're gonna say, yes I really am that gay, I'm the map! I'm the map, I'm the map! I'm redundant and I'm slow, but I'm who you need to know, I'm the map! I'm the map, I'm the map—"

And he continued on and on and on and on, repeating "I'm the map" about twenty bajagazillion times until Nils and Amelia were frustratedly screaming at it that they understood it was the map already.

"I'm the MAP!" it finished brightly, not daunted in the least. "Now, you need to get to the Lagdou ruins First you have to cross through the _Fire Emblem Sacred Stones Camp. _THEN you have to go around the _Random Castle in the Middle of Nowhere. _And THAT'S how you get to the Lagdou Ruins! So you tell Isadora…CAMP…CASTLE…LAGDOU RUINS!" CAMP…CASTLE…LAGDOU RUINS!"

And he continued repeating that until Amelia and Nils once more screamed at him to shut up. When he did, Isadora herself just HAD to reiterate it.

"Camp…" she said, pointing to a picture of the FE8 camp that magically appeared in front of her, "Castle…Lagdou Ruins! So where do we go first?"

Nils and Amelia said nothing, but after Isadora the Explora stared at them pointedly for a while they both reluctantly chorused, "Camp…"

"Right! The FE8 Camp! Come on, vamonos!" Isadora began striding off in a random direction with Lutes in tow. Amelia and Nils actually followed her…they were just that bored.

* * *

"Wait," said Eliwood suddenly.

He stopped in his tracks and Hector ran into Ephraim who ran into Eirika who ran into Lyn who ran into Eliwood.

"Watch it!" Lyn snapped. "Why did you just stop questing all of a sudden?"

"We aren't complete!" Eliwood whirled around to face her, making his cape flair out in a super-suave manner. "Don't you all know ANYTHING about crusading? Lords can't fight or get anything accomplished…we need KNIGHTS for that!"

"Yes, m'lord!" Kent and Seth said simultaneously, both popping out of thin air and saluting.

Eirika and Lyn looked at each other and each raised an eyebrow. Without even discussing it they came to the decision that there came a point when a man could be too MUCH of a knight…

"Brilliant!" Canas exclaimed, also appearing out of nowhere with Della, who was scowling at the walkie-talkie in her hand. "We could make all of this into a King Arthur spoof!"

"Ooh, ooh, I want to be Lancelot!" Eliwood waved his hand in the air.

Canas looked at the lord critically through his monocle. "I'm not sure, my lord…Lancelot is…well…an absolute playboy. And you really don't fit the stereotype."

"Because Eliwood couldn't get a girl if his life depended on it," Hector teased.

"Sure I can, watch me!" said Eliwood. He unsheathed his rapier and lifted it high. "Now I shall go on a long and dramatic quest to rescue my father, including pit stops of restoring justice and displaying my honor and rescuing damsels!"

Eliwood was immediately set upon by Lyn, Ninian, Fiora, and the entire mob of Orlando Bloom fangirls.

"…Okaaay…" said Canas slowly. "Still, old chap, you're a LORD. You can't really be a knight, otherwise you would be pledging loyalty to yourself in exchange for your own land and wealth which you technically wouldn't have and in all honesty that makes very little sense…"

"TOO! MUCH! OF AN EXAMPLE!" Eliwood cried from the middle of where several girls were clawing at him. "Hector, this is the last time I try to prove anything to you again!"

"Seth can be Lancelot," said Della without even looking up from the walkie-talkie. "He loves his princess and that useless evil blonde vixen Elaine—I mean, Natasha—likes him, and he's the complimentary paladin…even more of a miracle, he stays strong throughout the entire game…and I like his hair, so he's a pwner."

"And Kent can be Gareth," Canas added excitedly, "Because he's so gentle and quiet!"

"We need a Gawain." Della fiddled with the antennae of the walkie-talkie. "He's a pwner too."

"How about—"

"GILLIAM!" Della interrupted. "That's who Gawain will be! Because Gilliam has green armor."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Haven't you heard of Sir Gawaine and the Green Knight?" Della threw up her hands. "You poor deprived shaman!"

Right on cue, Gilliam appeared out of nowhere, automatically evolved to a Great Knight. His horse landed right on top of Canas and squished him.

While Hector was laughing and Ephraim and Eirika were trying to pull Eliwood out of the mob of girls and Della disappeared randomly to do who knows or cares what, Lyn had grabbed Kent and Seth and resumed marching off on the quest.

* * *

Alright, by this point we've all figured out that Lucius is a pwner and knows just about everything.

Which means he was right about the Evil Laugh and the foreshadowing.

Because just then, there was some more foreshadowing with some more Evil Laughter.

Since Lyon was walking along, alone, innocently minding his own business.

And out of EVERY character in two games, guess who was walking from the opposite direction and so ran into him?

Wouldn't you know it would be Nergal.

"Hello," said Lyon to the Bad Guy, trying to be polite.

The man in the lopsided turban walking towards him scowled and looked him over. "…Who are you?"

"My name is—"

"No, don't tell me. I don't want to know. You look like a pansy." Nergal folded his arms. "I hate pansies."

"I love pansies!" Lyon clasped his hands together. "They're so pretty! I like posies, too!"

"POSIES!" Nergal exclaimed, jumping ten feet backward. "But…but…posies are the most diabolical substances known to man!"

"They smell so delightful!" Lyon was twirling around like a giddy little schoolgirl. Nergal peered at the necromancer and suddenly saw something that no one in Sacred Stones saw until halfway through the game—that this young man had the potential to be one of the most corrupted, sinister, memorable Bad Guys in Fire Emblem history. This Lyon was truly EVIL. Come on—twirling around, pining after Eirika, ranting about flowers, having long purple hair…? SO FORMIDABLE! Nergal would have quite a use for one so far into the Dark Side.

He smiled an Evil Smile.

"Houston?" Della turned on the walkie talkie as she and Canas flew by on Hubert. "We have another problem…"

* * *

"STOP CALLING ME THAT!" Raven screamed back.

* * *

_A/N: First off, it should be noted my little sister, Italianchic13, helped me make up the map song…we've developed a talent for mocking kiddie shows (laughs). OH…shhh…she's written a Simpsons fic called A World of It's Own and confided in me that she was afraid no one would review…would any of you mind checking it out? Please? It would really make her day—but don't tell her I said anything:-P_


	29. Chapter 29! Jabberholly

_A/N: In a completely unrelated-to-the-plot burst of Christmas spirit, I bring you the newest chapter of Huzzah! Yes indeed, it is a Christmas chapter (unlike last year, I am in the middle of an arc so can't start a Christmas Arc…therefore, this chapter has nothing to do with the current arc, except that there are both FE7 and FE8 characters in it.) SO. I hope you'll read this regardless of religion (it's not discriminatory anyway), and I hope everyone had a happy Hanukah, Yule, etc…and for the rest of us, here comes your Christmas!_

_**CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE—JABBERHOLLY**_

"Deck the halls with boughs of holly!" Linus caroled as he hung "festive" strings of human skulls from the walls of the Bad Guy's Fortress.

"Falalalala lalalala!" Lloyd responded cheerily, holding the base of the ladder Linus was standing on.

"Tis the season to be jolly!"

"Falalalala lalalala!"

"Don we now our—"

"Hey, guys!" Ephidel approached the two, wearing a skin-tight, blindingly crimson and lime-green elf costume.

"…Gay apparel," Linus finished dryly.

"Falala, lalala, la—OHSAINTELIMINE WHAT IS THAT _THING?!" _Lloyd exclaimed upon seeing Ephidel.

The morph looked down at his costume. "Isn't this snazzy? I was looking for a change of pace. My old black robe was just so…un_festive_!"

"NOOooo!" Linus wailed. "Ephidel, you are NOTHING without your mysterious cloak! You're already such a pansy, if you wear that costume you'll bring about the apocalypse!"

"Yeah," Lloyd echoed. "Really, Ephidel. That's probably the scariest thing I've ever seen. Go back and change. Now."

Ephidel's face fell. "But—"

"_NOW!_" Lloyd roared, drawing his sword.

"Fine, fine, I'm going!" Ephidel scampered off.

Lloyd sighed and sheathed his weapon. "Phew, we were dangerously close to losing another character to the Pink Side."

"Pink Side?" Linus asked in confusion.

"Yeah, it's like the Dark Side, but it's where all the pansies go. You can't have pansies fighting in wars between Light and Dark."

"Good point." Linus nodded, finished hanging the string of skulls, and climbed down the ladder. "I guess we've saved him for the time being."

"For the time being." Lloyd echoed.

* * *

In the Random Castle in the Middle of Nowhere where Every Character Seems to Be, there was a room full of girls.

Not only that—it was a room full of…well…preppier girls. Nobody hard core and sword-wielding, like Lyn or Marisa…just a bunch of girly-girls in a room. Serra, Priscilla, Natasha, Nino, Ninian, and L'Arachel. And so they were all just chatting away, chat-chat-chat, about the staff Serra asked Santa for, or the elf Nino was sure she spied the other day, or the world peace L'Arachel would talk about when she won the Miss Magvel pageant since she was OBVIOUSLY going to win. It was actually pretty peaceful, considering a few of the girls in the room were rather high-maintenance…that is, until Natasha looked up from the tome she was reading and whispered,

"Chocolate."

That whisper cut through every voice in the room, no matter how loud. The other five girls slowly turned and stared at Natasha, chorusing: "…What did you say?"

"Chocolate," Natasha repeated, a bit louder this time. "I…it's been over three hours since I've last had any chocolate."

There was a collective giant gasp.

"Chocolate!" exclaimed Natasha suddenly, a feverish gleam in her eyes. "Chocolate! I want Chocolate!"

"So do I!" Priscilla cried.

"ME TOO!" yelled Serra. Soon all the rest of the girls were clamoring for it. Nino, who was a bit younger than the rest of them and hadn't fully developed the female Chocolate Sense, thought they were talking about desserts in general. So she cheerfully piped,

"Pudding!"

The other girls stared at her incredulously, and Nino began to wonder if she had said something wrong…until they all ran for her and knocked her over in a giant group hug, crying:

"CHOCOLATE PUDDING THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT WE NEED NINO YOU'RE SUCH A GENIUUUUSSSSS!"

"Yay," Nino managed to croak, before she was swept up in a mob of stampeding preppy chocoholics on a rampage for pudding.

* * *

"Alright," said Nils, banging down a gavel in another room of the Castle, "I now call this meeting of the Children For Seeing Santa And Proving Him Real guild to order. Amelia?"

"Ahem." The soldier stood up with a stack of note cards and cleared her throat. "Alright, the first order of business is to make sure that we are in the Christmas Spirit so Santa will come to the Castle. We should proceed with the singing of carols."

Nils grinned impishly at Ewan. "Ewan the red-haired mageling…had a rather fiery head!"

Ewan clutched his magic tome and glared coldly at Nils. "If you mock my hair again," he sang back, "I am gonna kill you dead!"

Amelia decided she liked the song. "All of the other magelings…used to laugh and call him names!"

"You both had best stop singing…before you go up in flames!" Ewan retorted.

Nils nodded approvingly. "Yes, yes, that is a wonderful song. NOW. Any ideas as to our second order of business?"

Franz raised his hand. "Ooh! Ooh! Let's bake cookies!"

"BAKE!" Lowen exclaimed, popping out of nowhere. "LET'S BAKE!"

Nils, Amelia, Ewan, and Franz all shot the cavalier icy looks.

"Ex_cuse _me," said Nils, "But we're having a kids-only meeting here."

"Oh. Sorry." Lowen looked around. "Uhh…what about?"

Amelia waved her hand in a 'pick-me!' manner. "We're planning to stay up all night and catch Santa so we can prove he's real!"

"Providing Lady Lyndis found a Santa this year…" Lowen mused to himself.

Nils gave a start. "WHAT? What are you talking about, Lowen?"

The cavalier took a step back, the half of his face visible beneath his hair going white as a sheet. "I-I didn't mean that Lady Lyn was trying to find someone to dress up as Santa! That's not what I meant at all!"

"Of course not." Franz naively dismissed Lowen's extremely lame cover-up. He's big on the Knights Always Tell the Truth thing. "What Lowen must mean is that…"

"LADY LYN KNOWS SANTA!" Nils, Amelia, and Ewan exclaimed excitedly.

* * *

"I don't know Santa!" Lyn wailed, burying her face into Kent's horse's mane. "I haven't found one this year! Wallace still can't say 'ho ho ho' and Athos can't carry that bag of presents around and Hector won't agree to it and if we force Nergal to do it again then he might end up killing Eliwood! I don't know what to do!"

"What?" Kent asked, taken aback. "But…you're Lady Lyndis! You ALWAYS know what to do!"

"Not this year," Lyn muttered.

Kent was just about to start a long tirade about how no matter what he would always be by her side as her loyal knight and pledge his life to her cause of Santa, but Sain burst in before he could.

"We wish you a merry Christmas!" the green knight yelled as loudly as his lungs would permit.

"It's not merry," Lyn growled, finally letting go of Kent's horse. "We're missing the best part of it."

"Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer?" Sain guessed.

"No…"

"The Little Drummer Boy?"

"No…"

"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire!"

"NO!" Lyn roared. She crossed her arms huffily. "We're missing the man that supplies our presents!"

"The Lil' St. Nick!" Sain realized in horror.

"This is going to be a disaster," Kent sighed. "We need to find a Santa!"

"SANTA? WHERE?" cried a new voice as Ephidel teleported himself into the room. The eyes of the good-guys widened to epic proportions as they looked at Ephidel's new get-up—the morph was covered in brown velvet and wore a headband with antlers sprouting out of it.

"What…is that," Lyn asked skeptically.

"All of the _other _reindeer," Sain was quick to reply.

While they were busy making fun of the morph, Kent quickly got an idea. "Ah, Ephidel…do you think Nergal would mind if…"

He rushed over and whispered something to Ephidel, who immediately perked up. "More costumes! Hooray! Why WOULDN'T Nergal mind?"

* * *

"Dude?" asked Linus. Nergal had suddenly clutched his heart and fallen over in the hallway of the Bad Guy's Fortress. "You okay?"

"No," Nergal growled. "I get the feeling that one of my minions is doing something very stupid…AGAIN…"

* * *

Erk and Pent sat in another room of the Random Castle, both happily reading books of magic. Every so often Erk would interrupt Pent to ask the meaning of a particular incantation, or Pent would lean over to see how far his pupil had gotten in his reading. It was overall a very quiet, peaceful, happy lesson…and Erk was overjoyed. Meeting Serra and Priscilla meant he hadn't had anything quiet, peaceful, or happy in quite a while.

Which was why the only reaction he gave was a gusty "well-there-it-goes" sigh when several ear-splittingly high voices beneath his window began screeching.

"Egad!" cried Pent, opening the windows. He peered into the courtyard to see Serra, Priscilla, L'Arachel, Ninian, Nino, and Natasha. "It seems to be a bunch of teenage girls. This could be dangerous, Erk."

"COULD be?" the mage asked incredulously as the girls beneath their window broke out into song.

"NOW GIVE US SOME CHOCOLATE PUDDING, NOW GIVE US SOME CHOCOLATE PUDDING, NOW GIVE US SOME CHOCOLATE PUDDING, AND A CUP OF GOOD CHEER!"

Pent shuddered. "Oh, the chocolate craving. It's bad."

"Give those poor girls some chocolate!" Louise shouted as she passed by the study room.

"But we don't have any!" Erk replied desperately. He looked to Pent, his eyes wild with fear. "What do we do now?"

The sage winced. "Our best bet is to tell them we have nothing and hope they go away."

"Alright." Erk leaned out the window and shouted that they had no chocolate, but that only provoked another chorus of

"WE WON'T GO UNTIL WE GET SOME, WE WON'T GO UNTIL WE GET SOME, WE WON'T GO UNTIL WE GET SOME, SO BRING SOME OUT HERE!"

"Oh no!" Erk cried. "They're climbing the walls!"

Sure enough, Serra and L'Arachel were digging their fingernails into the stone walls and making their way up. Erk and Pent hugged each other, sure that this was their last moment and they were both about to die on Christmas…

Until Ephidel popped up on the ground next to the girls in the courtyard, wearing a Santa Suit.

"It's SAAAAANTAAAA!" the girls all squealed.

Erk's eye twitched. "It's…Ephidel…"

"Merry Christmas!" the morph yelled, throwing out random presents and flinging them around. "I have saved the holiday!"

"He's saved US," Pent realized with a sigh of relief.

Erk actually smiled. "You know what? I think…perhaps…this holiday might work out alright after all!"

At least he DID think that until Nils, Amelia, Franz, and Ewan tore through the courtyard and tackled Ephidel.

"He's real!" Amelia cried gleefully. "He's real, he's real!"

"We have the proof!" Franz thundered.

"Wait…" said Ewan suddenly. "What if this isn't the real Santa? What if it's one of the ones they put in malls?"

"…What's a mall?" Franz whispered to Amelia. She shrugged.

"We'll soon find out," Nils declared to Ewan. "We shall unmask you, Santa Claus! Let's see who the man behind the beard is!" So, with a mighty tug, the bard pulled at the fat man's hat and beard.

Both of which came away in his hands.

"The beard…wasn't supposed to come off, was it," Franz guessed sadly.

Nils shook his head, staring dumbly at the costume parts he held, before raising his gaze to Ephidel.

"YOU!" he screamed in shock.

"You didn't see anything!" Ephidel yelled, teleporting away.

"Wow…" Nils mumbled as he got to his feet, clutching the Santa hat and fake beard. "It's…all a lie. Everything they taught us about Christmas is a lie. To be, or not to be? That is the question, whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing, end them? To die, to sleep, no more; and by a sleep to say we end the heartache and thousand natural shocks—"

"Hey, look!" cried Ewan and Amelia. "Presents!"

"WHERE?" Nils exclaimed, immediately dropping the monologue. He and Franz rushed over to where Ewan, Amelia, and the Chocoholics were digging through the bag of presents Ephidel left behind.

"Well," said Erk finally, "That was certainly…odd…"

"The holidays always pass so quickly," Pent said with a sigh, before going back to his book.

* * *

_A/N: Hmm…not one of my better chapters. Sorry guys, I've been out of it. (Though it was supposed to be kind of quick—it's just a Short.) But hopefully I'll rebound by the next chapter…anyway, if anyone is wondering how I got the odd chapter name—when I think of "carol", as in the song, my mind goes to "Carroll", as in the rockin' poet…so I tweaked the name of his poem "Jabberwocky" to make it more festive. (Shrugs) Not so original, but…_

_Oh yes, speaking of writers, I'm sure you all know that part of Nils' monologue is from "Hamlet" by William Shakespeare. And pretty much every girl who read this chapter has related with the Chocoholics from time to time :-P. Well, I guess that's it…please review and have a great end-of-the-year! _


	30. Chapter 30! Path of Python

_A/N: Ah, finally, the long-delayed newest chapter of Huzzah! And WOW…we've hit thirty chapters! (Hmm…I need to find a life ;-P.) Well, I personally believe this one is funnier than the last chapter…I had a lot of inspiration with it. We're back to the breaking of the laws of physics, back to the parodies, and back to Matthew talkin' like a gangsta, yo! Hope you enjoy._

_Random short II: Conversations between FE players!_

_Cousin I: I wonder who we would be if we had to be characters in Fire Emblem…_

_Kender: Ha, you would totally be Ewan! Because you're cute and you like fire!_

_Cousin I: SWEET! Now, what about Cousin II…_

_Cousin II: I wanna be…like…Hector or somebody!_

_Kender and Cousin I:……………….You're Franz._

_Cousin II: Franz?_

_Kender: Yeah. Because you're also cute and you're a squire. To ME! MUAHAHA!_

_Cousin II: Alright, that's true. Now, who are YOU?_

_Cousin I: She's not quiet enough to be Marisa…_

_Cousin II: She's not girly enough to be Priscilla…_

_Kender: Well, he's a guy, but I've always felt the most similar to Eliwood._

_Cousins I and II: YES! You are Eliwood! _

_Kender: Cool beans! But…why?_

_Cousins I and II: (no hesitation) Because you are a pansy._

_Ouch! I would have hurt them if I didn't love 'em so much :-P. (And yes, my cousin is my squire. Long story.)_

_**CHAPTER THIRTY—PATH OF PYTHON**_

It was another average day in the world of Fire Emblem. The lords were out questing, L'Arachel was franticly searching for Erk, Erk himself had taken up with a cult of pyromaniacs, said Pyro Cult had taken control of the Random Castle in the Middle of Nowhere, Nergal was befriending Lyon as part of his newest Evil Plot, and the Pegasus Sisters had turned themselves into a mariachi band.

See? Just another average day.

ANYWAY, on this average day, Eliwood was leading a group of lords and knights on a grand journey. Since Eliwood and Eirika and Ephraim hadn't leveled up yet and gotten their horses, they were just galloping along on their feet as Kent, Seth and Gilliam ran behind them, each holding two halves of a broken laguz stone in their hands and clapping them together. But just as they were passing by the Random Castle, they were stopped…

"Halt!" yelled Pent, peeking his head over the battlements. "Who goes there?"

Eliwood called back up, "It is I, Eliwood, son of Lord Elbert, from the castle of Pherae, Marquess of the Pheraeans, defeater of the bandits, sovereign of all the latter half of FE7 before Hector's story was made available!"

Pent snorted. "Pull the other one!"

"I am..." Eliwood protested, "And this is my trusty servant Kent." He gestured to the red knight, then to the rest of his party. "We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of warriors who will join us in our quest. I must speak with your lord and master."

Pent peered down on them with a critical eye. "What? Ridden on a horse?"

"Yes!"

"You're using laguz stones!"

"What?" asked Eliwood, perturbed.

"You've got two halves of laguz stones and you're bangin' 'em together!" Pent snorted irately.

"So?" Ephraim spoke up. "We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Frelia, through—"

"Where'd you get the laguz stones?" interrupted Pent.

"We found them," Hector retorted defensively.

"Found them?" Pent scoffed. "In this FE7 zone?"

"What do you mean?" asked Eirika.

"Well, there are no morphing animals in _this_ game," the sage explained.

"The caterpillar may transform into a butterfly," Lyn countered, "and the egg may hatch into a bird that seeks warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land!"

"Are you suggesting laguz stones migrate?" asked Pent, with an eyebrow raised.

"Not at all," said Ephraim right away. He paused a moment before adding, "They could be carried."

"What?" Pent exclaimed. "A butterfly carrying a laguz stone?"

"It could grip it by the rough edges!" Ephraim called up, warming to his idea.

"It's not a question of where he _grips_ it…it's a simple question of weight ratios! A .5g butterfly could not carry a 2 lb laguz stone!"

"Well, it doesn't matter," Eliwood broke in. "Will you go and tell your master that Eliwood from the Court of Pherae is here?"

But Pent would not be swayed from the topic. "Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a butterfly needs to beat its wings 12 times every second, right?"

"Please!" Eliwood cried.

"Am I right?" pressed Pent.

"I'm not interested!"

Erk's head suddenly appeared next to Pent's, and the young mage suggested, "It could be carried by an African butterfly!"

"Oh, yeah," Pent agreed, "an African butterfly maybe, but not a Rekka no Ken one, that's my point."

Erk nodded. "Oh, yeah, I agree with that."

"Will you ask your master if he wants to join my quest?!" Eliwood shrieked.

Pent wasn't listening. "African butterflies are non-migratory," he was saying to Erk.

"Oh, yeah," Erk mused.

"So, they couldn't bring a laguz stone back anyway."

"Wait a minute!" Erk said suddenly, "Supposing two butterflies carried it together?"

"No, they'd have to string it on a line." Pent shook his head.

"Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!"

"What, held under the thorax?"

"Well, why not?"

Eliwood, Hector, Lyn, Eirika, Ephraim, Kent, Gilliam, and Seth stared up at the bickering magic-users for a moment. Then, as one, the lords heaved a sigh of defeat and "galloped" away, with Kent, Gilliam and Seth clapping the laguz stones together behind them.

* * *

Meanwhile, Isadora was marching along a conveniently placed dirt road that lead to the FE8 campsite.

"I-I-I-Isadora!" she sang. "I-I-I-Isadora! I-I-I-Isadora the Explora! Isadora, Isadora the Explora!"

"Lutes is super cool," Lute sang, cartwheeling by.

"Explora Isadora," Isadora added. "Grab your backpack—" she grabbed Merlinus's hand and dragged him down the path after her—"Let's go! Jump in!"

"Vamonos," said Soren, who had mysteriously appeared in their way. He was from no game that Isadora, Lute, Nils, Amelia, and Merlinus had every seen before, so they just stopped and stared. Soren snapped his fingers and disappeared with a swirl of black smoke. So everybody stared after him as well.

And then they burst back into song as if nothing had happened.

"You can lead the wa-ay…hey! D-dora, Isadora, D-d-dora, Isadora!"

"Hey…what are you all doing?"

Once more the song was abruptly ended. Isadora glanced up to a nearby tree to see Innes and Louise sitting among the branches.

"We're going on an adventure!" Isadora proclaimed. "I am Isadora la Exploradora."

"And I'm Lutes!" The mage girl jumped up and down.

"And this is my backpack!" Isadora gave Merlinus' wrist a little shake.

Innes peered down at Merlinus with the critical eye only an experienced archer was capable of. "Hey, Lady Louise and I are out of vulneraries, and we don't know what will happen while we're target-practicing…you all have two. May we borrow one?"

"No!" yelled the map of Magvel, rather rudely. Isadora just stood there innocently, so Nils and Amelia took it upon themselves to wring the Map's parchment-y neck and shove it down the back of Merlinus's shirt.

"Sorry!" Isadora called up to Innes and Louise, "We need both of these vulneraries! One is for my _abuela_—"

"I _said_," Innes growled, nocking an arrow and pointing it at Isadora, "We need to borrow a vulnerary."

"LOOK!" Isadora exclaimed. She turned to Nils and Amelia and pointed her finger at Innes and Louise. "Those nasty snipers want our _abuela_'s vulnerary! We need to stop them, and I need _your _help! Come on, say it with me!"

Nils, Amelia, and Isadora all stuck out their hands in the universal "stop" gesture and yelled:

"Sniper, no sniping! Sniper, no sniping! SNIPER, NO SNIPING!"

Louise snapped her fingers and sighed sadly. "Aww man!"

Isadora the Explora smiled, sure she had saved her _abuela_'s vulnerary…

Until Innes stated "A prince of Frelia never accepts defeat", and pointed his bow at her again.

"R-r-run!" screamed Merlinus, so for just a second everyone dropped the parody and followed his example. They wouldn't have made it, but just as Innes was about to fire he decided they weren't worth his time and arrows, and began looking in the opposite direction down the path to see if he could snipe Ephraim instead.

* * *

"Renaaaaaaac!" Serra wailed pitifully. She threw her arms around his waist, thus greatly hampering his ability to walk. "Where are you goooooing?"

They were in the FE8 camp. Serra had been chatting with her new Very Best Friend L'Arachel, and it was enough to drive Rennac insane. He didn't CARE how hot these Matthew and Hector guys were, and he did NOT want to hear another word about how rich princes Ephraim and Innes were. So he had tried to edge away from the conversation…

And Serra had promptly turned around, saw him, and grabbed him around the middle.

"Get off!" Rennac yelled, trying to struggle. "I have to go!"

"Nonsense," Serra told him sternly.

Behind her, L'Arachel gave a haughty sniff. "Have you forgotten that you are Lady Serra's escort?"

"But I have to go!" Rennac insisted. A couple of hours ago, when the girls weren't watching, a mysterious figure slipped him a note that read:

"_Random Castle, 2 hours, bring no one with you. _

_**Unless they are named Ian Anderson or Jeff Queen**._

_Legault, quit writing on my mysterious note!_

_**But—**_

Here the writing abruptly stopped, and there was a large blank space.

**_Sorry, Jaffar._**

_Yeah, that's what I thought, Legault. Anyway…a'ight foo', be at the practice room in two hours! Ya heard? Holla!"_

Although Rennac didn't understand a lot of the strange note, it was obvious that he was summoned to the Random Castle. And since two hours had already passed, he was being summoned right then. At that very moment. Now, Rennac knew where the Castle was, and he knew how to get there. The only problem?

There was still a cleric clinging to him like ugly clings to a bandit.

"REEEENAAAAAAC!" Serra wailed, only clutching him tighter to her, "DON'T LEEEAVE MEEEEEEE!"

"It's just for a minute!" the thief snapped impatiently. Goddesses above, was this what poor Erk had to deal with every day? Ah well…it was better than being flung into the path of every demon and monster and giant spider by Princess L'Arachel—only to barely escape and walk right back into _her _path.

"But I don't want you to GOOOOOOOO!" Serra began bawling until a puddle formed around she, Rennac, and L'Arachel (who lifted up one foot in distaste).

"But if I don't go, somebody's going to yell gangsta things at me! I just know it!"

* * *

"Yo," said Matthew, looking into the mirror he had set up in the Dave Matthew's Band Practice Room. "Homie G. Foshizzle. Wha's poppin', dawg. West Side, East Side, South Side. Welcome to da Hood. Yo mama so fat—"

"Matthew?" Legault asked, raising an eyebrow from his drum set across the room, "What are you doing?"

"Practicing," said the thief with a grin. "I'm going to yell gangsta things at somebody. I just know it."

* * *

"I don't care about gangstas!" Serra wailed. "I want you to stay with me! STAAY WITH MEEEEEEE!"

Her puddle of tears grew rapidly. Soon they were all knee-high in salty water.

"Rennac, look at how hard you're making the poor girl cry!" L'Arachel shouted.

Rennac didn't care. He was too busy freaking out that the girl hanging off of him had the ability to cry herself a whole OCEAN. The water crept up to his waist.

"This is ridiculous!" L'Arachel grabbed the nearest floating barrel and jumped onto it to save herself. "Where is my new servant? Erk? ERK! Get over here and help me!"

Unfortunately, Erk was with the Pyro Cult and could not hear the cries of his newest employer. So L'Arachel joined Serra in sobbing her eyes out. Canas floated by, gurgling something about how intriguing drowning was; and Raven and Lucius also were seen, rowing with wooden poles on a wooden raft wearing straw hats and looking extremely Tom-an'-Huck-esque. The water quickly rose to Rennac's neck (and by this point had completely covered Serra, though the bubbles erupting over where her head should be indicated that she was STILL crying).

"FINE, FINE!" Rennac screamed. "I'LL STAY!"

All of the floating shamans, redneck monks/mercenaries, and water mysteriously disappeared in the blink of an eye. Serra, her face showing absolutely no trace of having cried at all (let alone _that much_), looked up at him in hope…

Until Rennac yelled "SYKE!" and sprinted away as fast as he could.

"REEEENAAAAAC!" Serra shrieked, falling to her knees in anguish. "NOOOO! Come back to me!"

She struggled to her feet and tried to run after him, but L'Arachel put a hand on her shoulder and stopped her.

"No," the Princess of Rausten said levelly. "Do not chase after him—he has been disloyal in his services as your escort. And now…" Her eyes sparkled with an impish evil. "He will face our wrath."

Together, the two healers threw back their heads and laughed:

"MUAHAHAHA!"

* * *

"What was that?" Lyon gasped fearfully, quickly turning around. "That laugh! Oh, if only I were stronger, I would go out and vanquish the laugher of such a Laugh…new friend Nergal, you too know what that sinister sound means, right?"

"Yes," Nergal answered grimly. "It means…that someone is trying to show us up."

That wasn't exactly the answer that Lyon expected, but he didn't dare correct Nergal. After all—Nergal was an _extremely _powerful dark mage! There was a lot Lyon could learn from him!

"There's so much you could learn from me…" Nergal said fondly, leading Lyon into the Bad Guy's Fortress.

"Yes!" Lyon followed eagerly. "I could learn how to speak with the dead, how to summon ghosts, how to read the tomes of the Druids—"

"No, no. I have much better things to teach you." Nergal grinned wickedly.

"Like what?" Lyon asked timidly.

Nergal turned around to face his pupil. "I shall teach you how to smile the Evil Smile! How to laugh the Evil Laugh! How to use paper to create…a table-top football of DOOM!"

Lyon gasped with shock. "Paper table-top football of DOOM?"

"Precisely. It's the newest addition to my ever-growing collection of sports equipment of DOOM."

"Oh." Lyon waited a minute, until he finally grasped what Nergal had said. Then he gasped again—with MORE shock. "Wait! Evil Smiles? Evil Laughter? Sports equipment of DOOM? You…oh no, I have finally figured it out: YOU ARE EVIL!"

Lyon pointed his finger at Nergal and the moment turned EXTREMELY dramatic.

Nergal just quirked an eyebrow and said, "Congratulations. Would you like a sticker?"

"N-no!" cried Lyon. "I don't want anything to do with you! What do you want with me? Why did you bring me here?"

"Because, dear boy, you are going to aid me in my plan." Nergal draped his arm around Lyon's shoulders, causing the prince to shudder.

"No…no, I refuse to turn to evil. I will use my magic only for good—ah!"

Suddenly a new voice erupted out of Lyon's mouth; it's deep, cold, soulless timbre echoing frightfully against the shadows of the ceiling.

_HEAR ME, NERGAL! IT IS I, THE DEMON KING! THIS PATHETIC HOST, THIS ONCE-MIGHTY PRINCE WHO I CORRUPTED THROUGH HIS OWN MORTAL JEALOUSY, SHALL NOW BE FORCED TO DO YOUR EVIL WORKS!_

"I see you haven't lost your flair for dramatics, Fortmortiis," Nergal stated calmly.

Lyon quickly regained control of himself, and looked all around him with wide and terrified eyes. "W-what was that?!"

"Old college roommate," replied Nergal with a shrug. Before Lyon even had time to blink at the statement, he chuckled and rubbed his gnarled hands together. "And now it's time…time for my most ingenious Evil Plan yet!"

* * *

_A/N: Wow, I feel like myself again! I sure put in a lot of random references in this chapter…obviously, the first scene with the crusading lords is a TOTAL spoof of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. (Best movie ever! In fact, that was the verbatim dialogue from the movie…I do not own it—though it shall forever own me!—so don't go talking about me plagiarizing stuff…all credit goes to the Monty Python crew.) The butterfly Pent and Erk discuss is specifically the African Swallowtail Butterfly, or Papilio dardanus :-P. (But it's the monarch butterfly that weighs about .5 lbs, and...I believe it is the white butterfly that beats its wings 12 times a minute.)_

_Now, the part about "sniper, no sniping!" was due to a long inside joke with my sister, ItalianChic13. (Her story's up to three chapters…hehe, yay for writing!) (Oh, and "abuela" is Spanish for "grandmother". Just in case someone didn't know o.O)_

_In Legault's note, when he talks about only bringing people named Ian Anderson or Jeff Queen…that's a tribute to the instruments he plays in the Dave Matthew's Band (drum set and electric flute). Jeff Queen is a famous percussionist, and Ian Anderson was the leader of the band Jethro Tull (MY TOTAL FAVORITE GROUP! CHECK THEM OUT! Especially "The Whistler"…)…but anyway, Jethro Tull songs often feature flute. Rock flute. HECK YEAH!!_

_(Ooh, and readers of Tally Ho might have caught that Canas found drowning "intriguing"! Hahaha :-P) ANYWAY…jeez, sorry about the uber-long author's note. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. Now, please review, or I shall taunt you a second time! (Ok, I've seen that movie WAY too many times…)_


	31. Chapter 31! AND LO!

_A/N: HUZZAAAAAAAAHH! Have you missed me? And lo, Kender is back! She is extremely apologetic for the extremely long wait (yes, yes, you may bash me in the head with a frying pan if you wish), but hopes that since the chapter is, like, ten pages long, you'll be pleased. Perhaps. Anyway…(looks stern) I worked hard on this chapter, so you better have fun reading it._

_**CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE—AND LO!**_

AND LO!

From over the grassy knoll rode the gallant Lord Eliwood and his fellows—fair Princess Eirika, proud Prince Ephraim, fierce Lady Lyndis, and mighty Lord Hector. Their oddly-colored hair took on myriad bejeweled sheens in the bright sunlight, their less oddly-colored eyes flashed with determination, their insanely regal capes flared in the heroic wind (except for Lyn, who—very sadly—had to make due without a cape and just let her hair flap around instead)…and it would all have looked a great deal more impressive were they not running along pretending to ride horses while Gilliam, Seth, and Kent ran behind them, clapping Laguz Stones together to mimic the sounds of horse's hooves.

With that terrible run-on sentence behind them, our heroes made their way to a little stream, where a giant tree had been cut down to create a makeshift bridge to the other side (ahh, the good ol' days of FE on an old Gameboy Advance…). They were just about to cross this bridge when they realized that there was quite an obstacle in their way—it was gigantic, imposing, as gleaming and black as ebony…that's right, everybody's _favorite _Path of Radiance character (you know, the one we all wanted to kill as slowly as humanly possible).

It was the Black Knight (NONE SHALL PASS!), glaring down at a very timid-looking Artur.

"Hello," said the redheaded monk softly. "Er, today is a special Saint Feast Day, and I need to cross this bridge so that I am not late to mass…would you excuse me, please?"

The Black Knight (NONE SHALL PASS!) merely picked up the little fellow and threw him as far as he could. The little black dot formerly known as Artur sailed to the horizon in a giant arc. Our Grail-Questing Lords stared at the bridge's guardian in amazement, completely ignoring the huge mushroom cloud that had appeared when Artur hit the ground. Eliwood grinned at the group, sure that he had found another member for their Quest, and quickly rode up to the bridge.

"You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight," said Eliwood respectfully. The Black Knight (NONE SHALL PASS!) merely stared back silently.

Since he had gotten no response, Eliwood was worried that he had been rude in some way. He remembered he had forgotten to introduce himself, and so quickly did: "I am Eliwood, marquess of the Pheraeans."

Still, the Black Knight (NONE SHALL PASS!) said nothing.

"I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me on my quest," Eliwood explained. Hector dusted off his shoulder, Ephraim grinned, Kent and Seth bowed…and still the stranger did not say a word.

"You have proved yourself worthy," Eliwood continued. "Will you join me?"

Once again—still no response.

Eliwood waited patiently, but after twenty long minutes he finally sighed and admitted, "You make me sad." Then he turned and gestured to his party with a cry of "Come, Kent!", and they began to ride over the bridge…

Until the Black Knight (NONE SHALL PASS!) said in a deep, menacing voice:

**"I like cheese doodles."**

Hector raised an eyebrow. "Funny…I could have sworn you would have said something else…"

"Like 'none shall pass'?" Ephraim suggested.

Hector nodded. "Yeah, something like that."

But the Black Knight (NONE SHALL PASS!) merely repeated:

**"I like cheese doodles."**

"I have no quarrel with you, good sir knight, but I must cross this bridge," Eliwood spoke up firmly.

**"Then you shall take me back to Constantinople," **the Black Knight (NONE SHALL PASS!) declared.

"Shouldn't he say 'then you shall _die_'?" Eirika whispered to Lyn. Lyn shrugged.

By this point, Eliwood had grown quite impatient. "I _command _you, as marquess of the Pheraeans, to stand aside!"

**"I move for no man but the Quaker on the oatmeal box," **the Black Knight (NONE SHALL PASS!) said resolutely.

By this point, no one in the grail-questing party thought it was worth wasting time speculating on what should have been said. They were all rather ticked-off, actually, and as one all the lords and their knights drew their weapons and yelled, "So be it!"

Now, despite what certain game designers have decreed about a certain black knight(NONE SHALL PASS!)'s ridiculously high defense and offence stats and weaponry, the simple fact of the matter is: that dude was wearing a FULL suit of armor. And it is extremely difficult to maneuver—or even move at all—wearing that much armor. Therefore, the rather un-armored lords and their knights were able to dodge every slow blow the black knight (NONE SHALL PASS!) threw at them, until Kent finally lopped off his left arm (don't ask how. The pwnage of Kent is not to be questioned). Red liquid splurted from the wound, and Seth immediately moved to cover Eirika's eyes for her, but she irritably batted him away.

"Seth, it's not real blood—it's fake! And very poorly faked, at that!"

Eliwood, meanwhile, had taken up a heroic stance with his rapier and demanded, "Now stand aside, worthy adversary!"

**"'Tis but a scratch**," the Black Knight (NONE SHALL PASS!) protested.

"A scratch?" Lyn asked incredulously. "Your arm's off!"

"**No it isn't!**" the knight protested.

"Well what's that, then?" Kent pointed to the black armor-clad arm, which was now crawling pitifully along the ground and making a sort of mewling noise.

The Black Knight (NONE SHALL PASS!) shrugged. "**I've had worse."**

"You _liar_!" Eliwood cried, now infuriated at the very unchivalrous manner in which the Black Knight (NONE SHALL PASS!) was behaving.

**"Come on, you pansy!" **the knight taunted.

If Eliwood was insulted by this highly insulting insult, he did not show it. He calmly sheathed his rapier, coolly brought out Durandal from behind his back, levelly looked his adversary in the eye…

And said "Now it's _on_, punk."

The skirmish that followed was as short as the one before it—the Black Knight (NONE SHALL PASS!) lifted up his big sword to strike Eliwood, who used his even bigger sword to slice off his other arm. The arm and the sword dropped to the ground and both began flopping around like happy catfish on steroids.

"Victory is mine!" Ephraim cheered triumphantly.

Eliwood shot him a hurt look and whined, "But _I'm _the one who vanquished him…"

Kent, meanwhile, decided to do something chivalrous (what a surprise!) and so dropped to his knees to pray for the Black Knight (NONE SHALL PASS!), who would have to undergo the worst punishment a knight could endure—never being able to lift a sword again. "We thank thee Saint Elimine, that in thy mercy—"

All of a sudden the crippled knight kicked him in the side.

"What?" Kent gasped, horrified at the thought of being attacked in such a backhanded manner. (THIS is what the game designers mean in his little profile by "virtuous to a fault". Knocked over while praying for his enemy…)

**"Come on, then!"** his enemy challenged.

"What?" Seth cried, who was just as outraged as Kent. (Gotta love those Chivalrous Sword-Wielding Redheads.)

The Black Knight (NONE SHALL PASS!) kicked Kent again. **"Have at you!"**

Kent rose to his feet. "You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine."

"No, it's mine!" Ephraim protested.

"Have you all gone mad?" exclaimed Eliwood. "I'm the one who chopped his other arm off!"

"You know…the bridge is totally unguarded now," said Eirika, pointing to it with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah," Lyn agreed. "Let's leave this loser and just be on our way."

**"Ohh, had enough, eh?"**

Hector lost patience. "Look, you idiot, you've got no arms left!"

**"Yes I have!"**

"LOOK!" screamed Kent and Seth, pointing to his severed arms—both of which had stopped flailing around and had started singing "Defying Gravity" in falsettos. This made the knights feel very close to nervous breakdowns. Again.

**"It's just a flesh wound," **the Black Knight (NONE SHALL PASS!) protested. He gave Kent another kick, just for good measure.

"Look, STOP that!" Kent cried.

**"Chicken! Chicken!"**

"Look, I'll have your leg," Eliwood threatened, brandishing his rapier. He figured it was at least fair to warn the knight.

The Black Knight (NONE SHALL PASS!) ignored the lord and kicked Kent again.

"RIGHT!" yelled Eliwood. Full of righteous anger, he switched back to Durandal (the rapier is only good for holding aloft during long speeches _before _battles, not during the actual battle) and chopped off the Black Knight(NONE SHALL PASS!)'s leg.

The black-armored fiend hopped up and down. **"Right! I'll do you for that!"**

"You'll what?" Gilliam asked skeptically—his first words since he'd joined the quest. (Aww, look…he's talking, dear! Now we'll get him some alphabet magnets for the refrigerator.)

**"Come here!" **

Ephraim rolled his eyes. "What're you going to do, bleed on us?"

**"I'M INVINCIBLE!"**

"You're a loony…" Eirika muttered.

**"The Black Knight (NONE SHALL PASS!) always triumphs! HAVE AT YOU!" **The now severely crippled knight hopped around and tried to kick Eliwood with his one remaining leg. However, Eliwood took pity on this obviously daft soul, and refused to wound him further.

So Hector got fed up and slashed the last leg off with the Wolf Beil.

**"Okay…" **the Black Knight (NONE SHALL PASS!) admitted grudgingly.** "We'll call it a draw."**

"Come, Kent!" summoned Eliwood. Kent, Gilliam, and Seth began clapping laguz stones together as the lords "galloped" off.

**"Oh, had enough, eh?" **their adversary yelled after them. **"Come back and take what's coming to you, you cowards! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'LL BITE YOUR LEGS OFF!"**

"Bite your mom's leg off," said Ike crossly as he randomly appeared in the middle of the scene, courtesy of a wormhole in the binary system. He grabbed the Black Knight (NONE SHALL PASS!) by the scruff of his neck and dragged him back into the Path of Radiance world. However, unbeknownst to Ike, another FE9 character had snuck out…

* * *

AND LO! 

A happy group of bilingual adventurers was also in the middle of a quest—though a very different one.

Because this quest was intended for children ages 2-6.

"We've made it to the Sacred Stones Camp!" Isadora the Explora announced brightly to the rest of her companions. Lute jumped up and down in her newly acquired pair of red boots, the map of Magvel poked its head out of the neck of Merlinus' shirt to check out the surroundings, and Nils and Amelia followed Isadora like she was their new goddess.

Children are so easily amused, after all.

"Where do we go next?" Isadora asked Nils and Amelia. Before they could answer, the Map of Magvel jumped right into the female knight's hand. As she unrolled it, three pictures randomly hovered around the bottom of the screen.

"We are here," she said happily, pointing to the first page. "At the Fire Emblem Eight Camp. We need to go to the Random Castle in the Middle of Nowhere…and then to the Lagdou Ruins! Camp…Castle…Lagdou Ruins! Camp…Castle…Lagdou Ruins!"

She continued to repeat the phrase until Nils and Amelia screamed for mercy. Finally she had to stop her montage of baby-brain stimulation to take a breath, and as she did she smiled hugely. "So where do we go next?"

"Castle, castle!" yelled Nils and Amelia.

Isadora stared at them pointedly, as if she couldn't even hear them.

"CASTLE!" the children cried again.

"Castle, castle!" Lute jabbered, hopping from foot to foot.

Isadora turned her smile to Lute. "That's right, Lutes! The Random Castle in the Middle of Nowhere! Come on…vamonos!"

She turned smartly and marched off, in tempo with the random Latin American music that began playing. Merlinus, Nils and Amelia cast wary glances around, trying to find the source of it, before following.

"Come on, vamonos," Isadora began to sing, "Everybody, let's go! Come on, let's get to it! I know that we can do it! Where are we going?"

"Random Castle!" Lute yelled.

"Where are we going?"

"Random Castle!"

"_Where _are we going?"

"Random Castle!"

"Where are we going!

"Random Castle!"

The music continued to play as Isadora the Explora broke into a run, with Lutes cartwheeling close behind. Suddenly they screeched to a halt as the path (yes, the magical glowing yellow path that conveniently appeared in a winding line leading directly to the Random Castle) led them to a little rope bridge.

"Halt!" cried a voice.

Isadora la Explora, Lutes, Merlinus, Nils, and Amelia found themselves face-to-face with Joshua. His face was nearly obscured under his Cap'n Jack Sparrow Hat and his excessive crimson hair. And—worse still—he began to dance and sing.

"I'm the grumpy old troll…who lives under the bridge!" Jehanna's monarch sang out. "I'm the grumpy old troll…who lives under the bridge! If you wanna come over, all you have to do is this—all you have to do is thiiiiissssss…"

Isadora and Co. stared at him for a while, waiting for the next line. Abruptly Joshua raised his hands like claws and began mimicking climbing up a ladder out of air, singing,

"'Cause it's the THRILLER!!! THRILLER NIGHT—"

"FINISH YOUR SONG!" Nils and Amelia bellowed.

Joshua sighed, stopped impersonating Michael Jackson, and finished his last line: "All you have to do is thiiiiissssss…SOLVE MY RIDDLE!" He flipped a gold piece that he had acquired from nowhere into the air, watching the pretty gambling item spiral downward and glint in the sun. "Or, better yet…play some Poker against me!"

Isadora the Explora gasped. "Oh no! Gambling is a BAD THING! And now we need YOUR help to get over the bridge!" She pointed to Nils and Amelia. "Can YOU help us get over the bridge?" Nils and Amelia did not reply at first. But Isadora opened her eyes very wide and smiled in quite a creepy manner until they did.

"Just walk past Joshua!" Amelia suggested helpfully.

"Steal his funny hat and use it as bait to lure him away!" Nils voiced, even more helpfully. However, Isadora would have none of that.

"Let's use something from my BACKPACK!" she said brightly.

"W-what?" Merlinus gave a start. "M-me! Oh no, I d-don't--!"

Unfortunately it was too late for our merchant friend—Isadora had grabbed his arm and dragged him up in front of Joshua. "Now do the song, Backpack!"

Merlinus scowled. "I don't want to."

Isadora's eyes took on an extremely frightening cast. "I said…_do…the…song._"

Merlinus nodded dumbly, now sufficiently cowed. Even Nils and Amelia had frozen in fear of Exploradora wrath.

"Backpack, backpack," the merchant sang feebly, moving his arms around in a very bad attempt at a "cabbage patch". Several items appeared out of nowhere and made a circle around him. "Backpack, backpack. I've got the tent loaded up with tomes and weapons, too! If you need vulneraries, I have a few for you! Backpack, backpack…backpack, backpack…yay!"

His eyes flickered nervously over to Isadora, but said Explora was grinning happily. Merlinus let out a sigh of relief.

"Now," Isadora declared, "Let's see what we can use against Joshua!"

Nils and Amelia studied Merlinus, who was busy cowering in fear from the items spinning around him—a wooden flute, a silver lance, a red umbrella, an elixir, and an old and crumbly map of Paraguay.

"Can we use THIS to get over the bridge?" Isadora asked slowly, pointing to the red umbrella.

"No!" Nils and Amelia answered, knowing that if they didn't play along than they would _never _get out of this brightly-colored Latin-American world of cute and cuddly randomness (okay, so they'll never escape the random part, but that's beside the point).

"That's right!" Isadora beamed. Then she pointed to the flute. "Can we use THIS to get over the bridge?"

"I can!" Nils squeaked, raising his hand, but Isadora ignored him.

"That's right, we can't use the flute!" she said happily, before pointing to the silver lance. "Can we use THIS to get over the bridge?"

Joshua bit his lip nervously. Nils and Amelia looked his way and grinned.

"Yes, yes!" they exclaimed. Without further ado, Lute grabbed the lance out of its position (which was floating in midair around Merlinus' right ear) and tossed it to Isadora, who tested its weight as all the other items crammed themselves down the back of Merlinus' shirt along with the Map of Magvel. Then, satisfied with her weapon, Isadora kicked her horse into a charge and hurtled towards Joshua.

Fearing the horse, the weapons triangle disadvantage, and the lawsuit that would doubtlessly ensue if blood was spilled on a toddler's cartoon, Joshua jumped out of the way of Isadora's lance just in time, landing in the shallow stream underneath his bridge. As Isadora and her followers danced over his head on their journey, and the three Pegasus Sisters randomly appeared wearing snail shells and playing a 1-measure-long mariachi jingle, Joshua realized something.

He was a gambler. In the water. With a Cap'n Jack Sparrow Hat.

Jehanna's monarch grinned as he realized the only thing he needed now was a Commodore to annoy.

* * *

AND LO! 

Deep within the Random Castle, in their usual practice room, a familiar rock-the-house boy band had only one thing to say:

"Dude," said Matthew.

"Dude," said Legault.

"Dude," said Nino.

"Dude," said Wil.

Jaffar said nothing.

Though no one could see his eyes behind his slick new sunglasses, Colm felt them widen. "Wow…I really look that good?"

"You look great!" Nino enthused, holding up a mirror so Colm could see himself.

As Colm began to admire himself (a feat which could last for several hours), Legault muttered to Matthew, "HE gets sunglasses?"

"Right," Matthew answered. "He gets sunglasses."

"And I STILL do not get sunglasses?"

"Right. You still do not get sunglasses."

"And I suppose when that Rennac guy ever shows up, he can have sunglasses too?"

"Right. He can have sunglasses too."

"But I can't."

"Right. You can't."

"This is completely unfair!" Legault howled, tugging at his pale hair. "You all never let me have even ONE pair!"

Jaffar said nothing.

"He's right, Uncle Legault," Nino said sympathetically. "I'm sorry."

"That is NOT a good reason," Legault snapped. He shook his finger angrily in Nino's direction.

Jaffar slowly rose up behind Legault.

Sensing this, the ex-Black Fang member chuckled nervously and patted Nino on the head. "Er, I mean, it's completely understandable, of course." He looked up from Nino's green bob of hair to see that Jaffar had mysteriously appeared on the other side of the room. Legault sighed with relief.

It was then that the door to the Dave Matthew's Band Practice Room in the Random Castle burst open, and in strode Rennac.

"Alright," he demanded, "someone tell me why I've been summoned here. I've completely risked my neck to get here—I had to escape from Serra."

"Serra?" Wil gasped.

"QUICK!" roared Matthew, "BAR THE DOOR!"

The rest of the Matthew's Band members rushed towards the entrance and slammed it shut, leaning against it for extra fortification. Matthew's eyes roamed back and forth across the room nervously.

"Come on, Matthew," Nino tried to reason with him. "It's not as if Serra is going to barge in here any second."

"Obviously you don't know Serra," Matthew and Rennac muttered at the same time.

Jaffar said nothing.

"Right, right, of course," Matthew acknowledged, slapping his forehead. "How rude of me. Colm only knows about the sunglasses and Rennac doesn't know about anything…I should explain myself."

Rennac and Colm nodded like bobble-head dolls, so Matthew clasped his hands behind his back and began.

"Alright. I'm not sure if you FE8 people know this, but we thieves and assassins from FE7 are in a pimpin', rock-the-house boy band. We call ourselves the Dave Matthew's Band, since it was my idea, and then that ridiculous tactician got involved, and…" Matthew shook his head to clear it. "Anyway, I play lead guitar; Legault plays drumset and the Almighty Electric Flute; Jaffar is our lead singer—"

Colm snorted.

"I'm sorry, do you find something funny?" Matthew asked innocently as Jaffar slowly rose up from behind Colm. The blue-haired thief gulped and quickly shook his head.

"That's what I thought. Where was I…oh yes. Besides us three, we have Nino to be our manager, and Wil is our minimum-wage roadie. BUT, being a hot band like this, we're always lookin' for new ways to keep it fresh, yo."

Rennac raised an eyebrow. "That's it, I'm out of here."

He turned to leave, but Matthew called, "It's either us or Serra!"

Rennac abruptly turned back and made a show of listening to Matthew again. The blonde rogue grinned.

"Okay. ANYWAY, what the band decided was that for our next concert, it would be great to have an opening act. That's where you come in." He pointed to Colm.

"Me?" gaped the young man. "But I can't play any instruments!"

"You can now," Matthew told him, chucking a gigantic didgeridoo in his direction. Colm was knocked over by the mighty Australian...er, might.

"You can't expect ME to play something so barbaric," Rennac sniffed.

"You probably wouldn't be good at anything, anyway," agreed Matthew pleasantly. "So, goodsir, what CAN you do?"

Rennac drew himself up. "I happen to be quite the ballroom dancer, if you MUST know."

Matthew was silent for a moment, before declaring, "Ok, who wants to chuck him out the window?"

"ME!" Legault, Wil, and Colm yelled; raising their hands.

"No, no!" cried Nino, running into the group of men and throwing out her arms. "Don't you understand, everyone? We were looking for some new moves…and Rennac could be the one to provide them for us! He could be…OUR CHOREOGRAPHER!"

Matthew nodded, appreciative of Nino's idea. "This is why YOU'RE the manager, doll face." He clapped his hands. "Now, people, we're going to have to work hard to make this concert happen. I have just one more thing to say…"

_"YOINK!"_

Every thief in the room had suddenly thieved another thief in the room, with the same cry of "yoink!", at the same time. Colm scowled and gripped Rennac's bag of gold; Rennac smiled sheepishly as he held Legault's gold; Legault smirked with Matthew's gold; and Matthew, his fingers around Colm's gold, suddenly grew pensive.

"Y'know, guys, practicing together might be a little harder than we thought."

* * *

AND LO! 

In a different part of the Random Castle, up upon the battlements, stood Pent, Saleh, Ewan, Erk…and a gigantic stack of every fire-related spellbook known to Nintendo. That's right, boys and girls, the Pyro Cult had officially been established.

"Fire!" yelled Ewan, casting a spell and eagerly watching the flames lick the stone ramparts.

"Elfire!" called Erk, adding his magic to Ewan's.

"Meteor!" Saleh cried. A giant flaming rock crashed in front of them.

Erk, always a lover of the laws of physics, shot Saleh and odd look. "Sir? I thought that spell didn't appear until FE9."

Saleh shrugged. "Ah, well. METEOR!"

That spell almost ran into Erk, and he ducked out of the way just in time…just in time, that is, to find Pent with something worse than Meteor.

"NO, MASTER, NO! PUT THE FORBLAZE DOWN!"

"But this one is fun," Pent reminded his student.

"Lord Pent, you could take down this entire castle with just one use of that spell!"

Pent chuckled softly, which was actually more unnerving to Erk than if his master had burst out into maniacal laughter. He was just about to try and reason with Pent again when a gigantic sword made of flames whooshed in front of him.

"Ragnarok!" Ewan screeched happily.

Erk pinched the bridge of his nose. "Ewan, that is a _Goldensun_ move, not—"

"**CHARMANDER**!" crowed Saleh, spewing fire from his mouth.

Erk rolled his eyes and gave up completely. Hey—at least this much fire was FUN.

Ewan was just about to start another crazy spell (and was leaning over the battlements to see who he could test it on), when he spotted a small group traveling towards them. His eyes widened in alarm.

"Master, master, guess what! There's a group of singing, dancing children and a lady knight headed this way!"

"What song is that they're singing?" Saleh asked, straining to hear.

Ewan also sought the melody, singing softly as he picked it up, "Come on, vamonos…everybody, let's go…come on, let's get to it…I know that we can do it…?" He looked up at Pent. "Should we test our magics on singers of such a song, my lord?"

THAT was when Pent started laughing maniacally.

Erk shivered.

* * *

AND LO! 

Pent was definitely not the only one laughing. For, deep within an Evil Fortress, Evilly Laughing, was our favorite laugher of the Evil Laugh—Neimi!

No, totally joking. It was actually Nergal.

And Nergal "muahaha"-ed himself nearly to death, Evilly Laughing until he choked and fell over.

"Sir!" Lyon cried worriedly, hurrying to Nergal's side. "Are you alright? What can I do to help? Shall I buy you a get well card?"

"The care!" Nergal wailed in pain. "So much caring! It burnssss!"

"Sorry, sorry!" Lyon quickly backed away. "Really! I'm sorry! I mean it!"

"STOP BEING SO NICE!" Nergal snapped, sitting up. "Honestly! How am I going to twist you into doing my Evil Plans if you're so nice all the time?"

Lyon nervously twined his pale hands together. "Actually, sir…I r-really don't want to do any Evil Plans…"

"I'm afraid you have no choice, my boy." Nergal grinned cruelly. "Fortmortiis, do you remember that time we egged Delta Kappa Gamma's dorm?"

Lyon gave a pained cry before a frightfully deep and sinister voice burst from his throat: "_YES, THAT WAS HILARIOUS!"_

"Now, while I have your attention, I'm going to explain my latest Evil Plan."

"_SPEAK, O NERGAL, AND I SHALL FORCE THIS CRIPPLED HEIR ON A THRONE OF DEATH TO OBEY YOUR EVERY COMMAND, A TESTAMENT TO MY POWER OVER HIS HUMAN DESIRES!"_

"That's nice. Anyway…of course, no Evil Plan is complete without a protagonist to destroy. Therefore, this Plan is specifically designed to be the downfall of that puny lordling, Eliwood of Pherae! Prince Lyon,—and you, Fortmortiis—together, we shall create an army of…FANGIRLS! MUAHAHAHAHA!"

The Demon King also roared with laughter; although behind his marionette of a body, Lyon was quaking with fear.

"And _you_," Nergal said sweetly, looking into Lyon's eyes to the boy he knew was trapped within, "We need fangirls of _yours_ to help us."

"F-fangirls for _me_?" Lyon squeaked, momentarily finding his own voice.

"Indeed. Eliwood's fangirls are so easily amused…at a moment's notice they could find something better to do, and break ranks. Their attention spans are dangerously short. Therefore, we need YOUR fangirls to lead them against Eliwood, since yours tend to be less…preppy. You alone can convince them to lead Eliwood's fans. Now—say something Lyon-esque so that your followers will come."

"N-no! I won't lead these innocent people into such a meaningless battle. I can't—"

"If you don't, I'll set Sain loose on Eirika," Nergal threatened.

"No, no! Please! I'll do anything to save her!"

Immediately, a huge "awwwwww!" swept the room. Lyon whirled around and gazed, awestruck, at the mass of girls that had suddenly appeared. Nergal appraised the mob as well, smirking with approval…until he spotted a very familiar girl near the front.

"YOU!" the villain roared, pointing at the green-clad girl. "What are YOU doing here?!"

"I'm sorry!" Della wailed, throwing herself down at Nergal's feet. "I couldn't help myself…Lyon's character was so profound! And his fate was so deep! And his hair was so…_purple_! I was weak!"

The tactician began to bawl and was followed by the rest of Lyon's fangirls. Grado's prince stared at them all in amazement.

"All of these…admire _me_?" he breathed.

"_HA! NOW I SHALL TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR EGO, AS WELL!"_

"Noooooo!"

As Lyon spiraled deeper into the dark clutches of the Demon King, Nergal cackled. "And now, Fangirl Commanders—it is time to find your troops! Make haste! We must embark at once to--"--He struck a dramatic pose—"ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH!"

"Ooh!" Taking a break from his dark spiraling, Lyon perked up and raised a hand. "Can we stop by the craft store so I can buy some stationary to write poetry with?"

"Not this time, my evil friend." Nergal grinned menacingly. "I have a much _better _job for you."

"W-what is it?" asked Lyon hesitantly.

"Well, we need _someone _to lure Eliwood into our trap…"

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means that you are going questing."

* * *

AND LO! 

From out of the Bad Guy's Fortress "galloped" a purple-haired young man bearing a shield with a chicken on it. He ran along, pretending to ride a horse, as the ghost of a generic axe-fighter clapped laguz stones together behind him (Lyon always was good at necromancy), and a dark and foreboding shadow loomed above his thin frame. As Lyon rode out in search of Eliwood and his band of Questers, this shadow (aka Fortmortiis) took it upon himself to put a minstrel in this whole Holy Grail spoof:

"_BRAVELY, BOLD SIR LYON RODE FORTH FROM NERGAL'S LAIR! HE WAS NOT AFRAID TO DIE, NO, BRAVE SIR LYON! HE WAS NOT AT ALL AFRAID TO BE TAINTED BY THE DARK, BRAVE BRAVE BRAVE BRAVE SIR LYON!" _the Demon King sang cheerfully. Lyon bit his lip.

"_HE WAS NOT IN THE LEAST BIT SCARED TO GET POSESSED FROM INSIDE, OR TO HAVE HIS SPIRIT CAUGHT, AND HIS HOPES ALL BROKEN! TO HAVE HIS EYEBALLS BURN, AND HIS BODY WASTE AWAY, AND HIS SOUL ALL SLASHED AND MANGLED, BRAVE SIR LYON!"_

Lyon glanced back at his minstrel uneasily.

"_HIS FRIENDS DESTROYED AND HIS COUNTRY BURNED, AND HIS FATHER GONE AND HIS FUTURE SPURNED, AND A DEMON TWISTING HIS EVERY THOUGHT, AND THE WHOLE WORLD DOOMED BECAUSE—_"

"Er…" Lyon quickly cut the Demon King off, "That's enough of this chapter for now."

* * *

_A/N: I really really missed writing these crazy plots…so. Time for credit, eh? I used the original dialogue from the Black Knight scene in "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" for the first part of this chapter (though of course I added my own quotes here and there…oh, and the song the Black Knight's arms sing, "Defying Gravity" is from the musical "Wicked". That soundtrack is great. Listen to it.) Why does it say "NONE SHALL PASS" after every time the Black Knight's name is mentioned, you ask? Because if you've ever read a King Arthur book, that's pretty much all the dude says. He's quite a shallow chap. (Seriously—I couldn't even play Path of Radiance without yelling the Black Knight Catchphrase every time I saw him.) And that last bit, the Demon King's song, is of course sung to the tune of "Brave Sir Robin"._

_Hehe, Eliwood'll give a cookie to whoever can tell me what Joshua is going to start to parody soon ;-P. Please review…it would just make my day absolutely SUPERB. Oh my GOODNESS I've missed y'all!_


	32. Chapter 32! Soapbox Shenanigans

_A/N: And lo—another chapter of __Huzzah!__ Although I know that I take forever in between chapters of this story—I'm trying to concentrate the most on Still Ongoing, actually—I hope you all know that I'm totally not abandoning this fic. Or you guys. No matter how slow, it shall continue. Although, admittedly, I feel like a bit of a failure…because one of the main humor themes in this fic is the constant redundancy, and there are a few jokes in this chapter that draw back from previous chapters…which you all probably won't remember, since I've taken so dang long to update…I apologize._

_Anyway…I have another special Short for you, another Conversations With FE Players…this time it's with Kitten Kisses xD. We'd had this conversation a long time ago, but it was really funny to me at the time, so I stuck it in my file to put as a Short for the next __Huzzah!__ Chapter…and here it is!_

_CONVERSATIONS WITH FE PLAYERS!_

_Kitten Kisses: Kent is the sort to always be prepared._

_Sardonic Kender Smile: You're making him sound like a Girl Scout._

_Kitten Kisses: Aha! I can see it now: Kent proudly displaying his badge..._

_Sardonic Kender Smile: __A__ badge? Singular?! You insult him--Girl Scout Kent has MANY, MANY BADGES._

_Kitten Kisses: MULTIBADGE GIRLSCOUT KENT!!_

_(The mental image is far, far funnier than the conversation.)_

_**CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO—SOAPBOX SHENANIGANS**_

THUS FAR!

Eliwood, Hector, Lyn, Eirika, Ephraim, Gilliam, Kent, and Seth had just begun the exciting stages of their quest (among which included pillaging Jews, mocking Muslims, brawling with Hindus, and stubbornly ignoring all Buddhists they met along the way)—and even Hector was starting to get excited about finding the Grail—when they had come upon Della, who was twirling a piccolo in one hand and tossing an extremely ornate golden cup with a halo of holy light around it with the other hand. Of course, all the lords had immediately made a mad scramble for the grand and holy artifact…but Della, not noticing their excitement, merely threw the cup into the air again—and missed catching it on the way back down. The cup smashed upon the ground, breaking into several sharp pieces, and the light around it faded. ("This," the tactician had said, with hardly a hint of remorse, "is why I am not in color guard." ) Now all the lords cried out in outrage and sorrow, since their royal quest had been royally ruined…until Della had started laughing and explained that if the Holy Grail was indeed the cup Jesus drank from at the Last Supper, then it would hardly be a jewl-encrusted golden cup and was more likely to be made from simple wood or stone or clay or _maybe _glass which is a total stretch and wouldn't have survived two thousand years anyway. Then she went on a tangent about something to do with some person named da Vinci and how a Mr. Brown was perhaps _too _good at merging fact and fiction because the idiot masses had believed the book shelved in the "new fiction" section. This relieved our heroes a bit (though it also confused them)…and we find them now debating about how best to seek the cup they felt was still out there…

"I say," Eliwood said in a deep, heroic voice, "that we should go…THIS WAY!" He pointed to the horizon.

"Nay," Ephraim responded, just as dramatically. "I believe our answer lies THIS WAY!" He pointed in the opposite direction.

"Nonsense!" Hector cried in the same tone. "Obviously that dumb cup is THIS WAY!" And he pointed in a different direction than the other two.

"Actually," said Eirika, "I'm sure there's a better way to continue on our quest…we don't have to resort to guesswork."

"Yes," Lyn agreed. "We could just ask for directions…"

"That's ridiculous!" huffed Hector, Eliwood, and Ephraim. "We know where we're going! We don't need to ask for directions!"

Lyn and Eirika shot each other a knowing glance, one which clearly read: "_Men…"_

The argument that was sure to ensue, however, was put off when Serra came bounding up to the company, pointed at Seth, and screeched something along the lines of

"YOUCANBETHEBRITISHGUY!"

Seth blinked. "Er…excuse me?"

"The British guy!" Serra shrieked, still pointing. "You can have the British boat! Because you're a straight-laced, young-but-high-ranking guy with cool hair! Can you say Commodore Norrington? Because I CAN! Look! COMMODORE NORRINGTON!"

Seth opened his mouth but no words came out. That was alright, though. Serra spoke enough for the both of them—and for Kent, too, who was the next unfortunate male to fall under her eye.

"Ooooh, and Kenty!" she squealed, pulling the red knight to her side. "You can be Will Turner, okay? Because you're the serious poor boy—and don't you want to end up with the strong-willed rich girl?"

Kent looked over at Lyn. "Well…umm…"

"GREAT!" exclaimed Serra ecstatically. "Because L'Arachel will simply _love _you!"

"L-L-L'Arachel?" choked out Seth and Ephraim.

Too late—Serra had grabbed Seth and Kent and flounced away with them both as if they were designer purses. "This parody is filling in quite nicely! Cap'n Joshua Sparrow will be really happy!"

"Kent!" cried Lyn as Serra made off with her knight.

"Seth!" Eirika wailed as Serra made off with hers.

"L'Arachel!" Ephraim groaned, sinking to his knees like a man defeated. Because, think about it—when a man's got anything to do with _anything_ involving L'Arachel of Rausten, that man is DEFEATED.

"Cap'n Josh Sparrow?" Hector asked skeptically.

"Gilliam", said Gilliam slowly.

Eliwood clapped the green-clad knight on the shoulder. "Quite right, my friend. Quite right."

"So what do we do now?" Ephraim sighed despairingly from the ground.

"There's only one thing to do," Eliwood retorted determinedly. "Quick! To the Band Cave!"

_Doodle-ee-doodle-ee-doodle-ee-doodle-ee-doo!_

* * *

After a quick clip of Eliwood's face zooming against a swirly background, old-comic-book-superhero-cartoon style, the scene was immediately shifted to the Dave Matthew's Band practice room…where all the band members were eagerly staring at Rennac.

"Alright." The Sacred Stones thief rubbed his hands together. "So you all want a dance routine, is that it?"

"Yes." Matthew nodded. "It can't be feminine _at all_, though."

"And it has to be snappy," Legault added. "It has to be cool and punk'd and…"

Jaffar said nothing, finishing the sentence.

"Gotcha," affirmed Rennac. "Alright…well, let's try this, then…"

He stood at the middle of the practice room, as Matthew, Jaffar, Legault, Nino, and Wil crowded around him. He cleared his throat, then burst out into a dance routine that we loved millennia ago and absolutely hate now:

"But it ain't no lie, baby BYE BYE BYE--!" he sang, before everyone in the band (except Nino and Jaffar) stuck out a hand and grabbed him by the throat.

"That…is…the exact…opposite…of what…we…want," they growled in unison.

"Besides, it's been done before," a bored voice drawled from the corner.

Matthew turned quickly to find Della slouching in the corner, piccolo still in hand. "You? Aww man…what are _you _doing here?"

"I don't know," she confessed with a shrug. "Goodness knows I should have had enough music for one marching band season. At least I didn't white out again."

Suddenly, bursting through the wall, came all the Grail Questers (Justice League Style)!

"A damsel in distress!" Eliwood cried, pointing at Della in a heroic fashion. "It looks like she needs…A COOKIE!"

Della's eyes lit up. "YEAH! GIMME GIMME GIMME!"

Eliwood reached into the pocket that conveniently appeared in his tunic…and Matthew, Wil, Hector, and Lyn immediately tackled him.

"What are you doing?" asked Eliwood. "My cookie sense is tingling!"

"Don't you remember what happened the _last _time you let Della have sugar?" Hector growled, using his heavily-armored body to keep his slender friend pinned to the floor.

Eliwood thought about it. "Actually…no. I don't. There seems to be a large blank in my memory…"

"And for good reason," muttered Matthew.

Just then, obnoxiously happy Latin American music came floating in through the window. The Dave Matthew's band instantly perked up their ears, the Lords and their knights instantly froze, Della instantly covered her mouth as her eyes widened in horror…and Nino instantly began to bob her head.

"This is really catchy," she giggled, now progressing from head-bobbing to doing a bit of a hop-step around the room.

"Somebody stop Nino!" Della cried, pointing desperately at the girl.

"Where are we going?" Nino sang cheerfully. "Random Castle! Where are we going? Random Castle? Where are we—"

"CHAIN 'ER DOWN, BOYS!" roared Matthew. Without hesitation, Jaffar sprinted across the room faster than the eye could follow and pinned Nino against the wall.

Nino continued to groove, swaying her body from side to side even though her wrists were firmly held to the wall by Jaffar. "Random Castle! Where are we going? Random Castle! Where—"

"NOOOOoooo!" Matthew, Legault, and Wil yelled. They quickly went to assist Jaffar in keeping Nino still.

Della was now wild-eyed, and her gaze darted around the room frantically. Her breathing grew shallow. "Oh noez. They're here. They're here."

"Who's here?" Eliwood asked, still trapped beneath Hector. The blue-haired lord was now sitting quite comfortably on Eliwood's back and unpeeling a banana.

"Dora," Della responded, her blue eyes haunted. "DORA IS HERE AND SHE'S GOING TO EAT US!"

"That's silly," scoffed Lyn. "Can't you hear that voice? It's only Isadora of Pherae. She is our ally, remember?"

"No ally of ours sings the 'Vamonos' song," Della mumbled, beginning to shake.

"Alright, that's it," growled Eliwood. With a mighty effort, he pulled himself from beneath Hector and rushed for Della.

"Hey!" Hector exclaimed indignantly, finding himself dumped quite unceremoniously onto the floor and his banana mashed quite unedibly in Gilliam's face (how that one happened, no one was quite sure of). "Since when have you been stronger than me?"

"Strength matters not!" Eliwood proclaimed, gesturing towards Della. "This here is a CHILD! A child in PERIL! I must aid her, at any cost!"

He grabbed Della's hand and struck an extremely heroic pose as Hector shook his head despairingly. "The Protect-The-Child Tirade…I should have known…"

"Indeed, you should have!" Eliwood cried grandly. "Now, where is my soapbox?"

He hunted around for a little while, but was unable to find it. Hector was now not the only one in the room who was completely exasperated.

* * *

The people in the Dave Matthew's Band Practice Room were also not the only ones who could hear Isadora the Explora's demonic song…there was also the Pyro Cult, up on the battlements. The sky above them was dark with thunderheads, the air seemed to be tinged with a haze of red…the world was on edge, crackling with tension as in the moments before a storm...and standing right in the midst of such a foreboding scene were four mages with a vast array of fire spells. Three of them were leaning forward in anticipation, eyes alight with the thrill that comes with power…and the fourth was stressing out. As usual.

"A little closer…" his teacher murmured, clutching his Forblaze tightly.

"Lord Pent," Erk protested nervously, "Do you really think it's wise to obliterate—"

"Erk," said the mage general calmly, "I want you to touch this Forblaze."

"Er…what?" asked Erk, baffled.

Pent offered him the book. "Here. Just touch it. Then you will understand everything."

Erk slowly reached out and hesitantly brushed the tip of his finger against the blood-red cover of the spellbook. Instantly an overwhelming power shot through him, setting every inch of him ablaze—no pun intended--with the desire to…

"BLOW UP ISADORA!" Erk cackled maniacally.

Saleh looked towards the purple-haired mage with approval in his eyes. "Your student learns quickly, Lord Pent."

"They call him a prodigy for a reason," Pent replied with a modest shrug.

"MINE BLOW UP MINE ISADORA MINE!" babbled Erk, snatching the Forblaze out of his master's hands and twirling around in a circle with it. Pent shrugged again and whipped out a Bolganone, knowing that his student was now _far _too busy to care about the fact that such a spell didn't appear until _Radiant Dawn._

* * *

On the ground below, however, this magnificent and eerie portrait of inferno-related might was instantly replaced by…

A SUPER BRIGHT LATIN AMERICAN COLOR SCHEME!

And traveling and singing on this absurdly yellow path by some unbelievably green grass beneath a sunny blue sky was Isadora the Explora and her friends.

"_Dora, Isadora the Explora_!" sang Nils and Amelia.

"_Lutes is super cool!_" Three guesses who said _that _line. "_Explora Isadora!_"

_"Grab your backpack!"_

"Dear Saint Elimine, _no--!_" It was too late for Merlinus. He had been grabbed once more by Isadora and was being dragged along in the bright yellow dirt behind her horse.

"_Let's go!_" Isadora cheerfully chirped. _"Jump in--!"_

"_Vamonos_," a new voice interrupted, just as an extremely feminine-looking boy shrouded in black robes appeared in their path. That's right…Soren popped up to say the Spanish line. Again.

Isadora and Co. stared at him curiously, wondering why he had interrupted their song at that point for the second time, wondering who he was, wondering how he had gotten there when he was _clearly _not from FE7 or FE8, seeing as Lucius was the only guy who was actually most definitely a girl up until _Path of Radiance _was released.

But then Isadora realized that she shouldn't be wondering anything. This was a kiddie show—everything was predictable and repeated over and over, because repetition was good for developing brains. So surely this strange fellow was bound to disappear in a moment, just as he had the last time…yet Isadora waited and waited, and Soren still did not disappear.

"Why aren't you disappearing?" she asked, thus making her sentence a tad redundant in regards to the third use of the word "disappear" in two sentences, as is fitting for an Explora. The strange young man in black turned his blood-red eyes to the battlements of the Random Castle, smiled slightly, and replied:

"_Porque quiero ver la escabechina." _

"_Que_?" Isadora gasped, accidentally reverting to a whole 'nother language. She followed Soren's gaze to find…a whole bunch of mages, a whole bunch of fire spells, a sky that was dark and ominous and the _exact _opposite of their super bright Latin American color scheme, and a Charizard. The latter is best left unexplained.

* * *

"Dude," said Matthew, sticking his head out the window of the practice room and craning his neck to try and look up to the battlements. "I think Saleh just got a Charizard, yo."

Della's eye twitched. "Did you seriously just say that?"

Jaffar said nothing.

"I can't believe this!" The tactician buried her face in her hands. "All I want is a flippin' drink of water and a cookie and a cell phone with a better battery pack and a bonsai tree and the ability to transform into a duck! Does this _really _have to be so complicated as to involve a Charizard?"

"At least it can't get any worse," muttered Legault.

OH, LEGAULT, HOW VERY WRONG YOU ARE.

"Look, look!" cried Nino suddenly, trying to point out the window (and being severely hampered from this action, seeing as the entire Dave Matthew's Band was keeping her from dancing around much). "Isadora and the Pyro Cult look like they're about to fight!"

"That's what Jaffar just said," Legault snapped.

Jaffar said nothing.

"Yeah, don't yell at Nino, Legault!" seconded Matthew.

"And as if that wasn't enough," Colm sighed wearily, "Here comes somebody _else!_"

The thief gestured out to a lone, rather pathetic-looking, purple-haired knight. This new man galloped up to the Random Castle as a black, shadowy spectre exuding an aura of utmost evil hovered above him, singing cheerfully and clapping a pair of laguz stones together.

"His head smashed in and his heart cut out," Della sang along softly, "And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged—"

"HEY LOOK, ANOTHER KNIGHT!" hollered Eliwood excitedly. Unsheathing his rapier to make the moment—once again!--seem more epic, he charged out of the practice room and out of sight, with the rest of the lords and knight (Gilliam being the only one left) following.

The Demon King minstrel's song was starting to muffle the sounds of Isadora's song, so the band deemed it safe to let Nino go. She rubbed her sore wrists and looked around for a moment, as if snapping out of a trance…

"Oh, look!" she said suddenly, spotting something. "There, in that corner—is that Lord Eliwood's soapbox?"

Matthew hurried over, picked up the box, and gravely handed it to Wil.

"Take this," he urgently told his roadie, "and hide it so well that it will never be found again. None of us can last through another chivalrous speech."

* * *

Wil walked to the horizon, found an old and rotting and abandoned pirate ship, and stuffed the soapbox into one of its rusting cannons.

"Convenient," he murmured to himself, and dusted off his hands, pleased with a job well done…

"FIRE IN THE HOLE!" hollered a voice that sounded peculiarly like Serra's. There was a flash of hot pink hair, the flicker of a hot red flame…

And a huge blast of hot explosives in Wil's face as the cannon went off, sending the soapbox flying up into the air and out of sight.

"Oh, look!" said Serra, peeking out from the hull of the decaying ship, "It's Wil! Also poor, also hardworking…also has a totally better name for this parody! Sorry Kent," she apologized, pulling the red knight into sight and pushing him out of the ship, "But we've found a more fitting Will Turner than you. He has brown hair. And his name is actually Wil, you understand…"

Kent swayed there for a moment, dizzy with a giddy joy, forgotten by Serra as she reached out and yanked the unfortunate Wil into the pirate ship. _Free! Free to go back to Lady Lyndis! Free to aid in the noble quest! Free of Serra and L'Arachel and—_

And then the soapbox plummeted from the sky and landed on Kent. His box-enclosed head could deduce that he was free no longer.

* * *

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Lassie had rounded up a bunch of—

Okay, actually? Nobody cares about the ranch. Back to the…Random Castle!

_Doodle-ee-doodle-ee-doodle-ee-doodle-ee-doo!_

After another clip of Eliwood's face pulsing against a swirly background, it became apparent that things at the Random Castle were _not _going well. The Pyro Cult was amassing their most powerful spell books and reciting tongue twisters to each other in preparation for some speed spell-casting, Isadora and Co. were desperately trying to think of a way to avoid said spells because Isadora started chanting "Fire is dangerous! Fire is dangerous! Fire is dangerous! Fire is—" and Nils and Amelia had begun to scream from the agony of ceaseless repetition…and a little ways away, rather unrelated to the rest of the scene, a meeting was taking place.

Eliwood, Eirika, Ephraim, Hector, Lyn, Gilliam, and a tactician whose eyes were replaced with little hearts of Lyon Fangirl Love were greeting the newest knight to cross their path.

"H-hello," he said timidly, "I'm B-brave Sir Lyon, and you must listen to me—"

"_LET ME JOIN YOUR QUEST!_" bellowed the menacing shadow above his head.

"I've been possessed by—"

"_I'M SUPER BRAVE AND STRONG!" _Fortmortiis hastily interrupted.

"I don't want to go along with the plots of Nerga—"

"_I DOUBLE-MAJORED IN ENGINEERING AND AWESOMENESS!" _

"Don't let me betray you--"

_"I ALSO HAVE A CHICKEN ON MY SHIELD!" _

"Eirika! Eirika, please--!"

_"ER…UH…I REALLY ENJOY NACHOS!" _

"Nachos!" said Hector, elbowing Eliwood with a grin. "Alright! I say we let this guy tag along on our adventures!"

"I agree," said Eliwood pleasantly. "It is very nice to make your acquaintance, Brave Sir Lyon."

Ephraim gave Grado's prince a once-over, and his face broke into a smile. "Yeah, Lyon, it was always way more fun to hang out with you than to hang out with Innes."

"I dare you to say that again, cur of Renais!" a voice rang out.

The Grail-Questers turned to find Innes up in the branches of Crei, with an arrow pointed directly at Ephraim's heart. Louise sat on a nearby branch, unarmed, just mildly watching the scene.

Ephraim smiled up at his rival and began, "Yeah, Lyon, it was always way more fun to hang out with you than to—"

Eirika clamped a hand over her brother's mouth, looking sufficiently irritated.

Meanwhile, Isadora had also spotted the snipers.

"Oh, no!" she gasped. "Sniper is back! He's going to try and snipe us!"

"How are we going to deal with snipers _and _pyros?" moaned Nils.

Isadora looked back towards Merlinus, a decidedly evil grin spreading across her features. "Well…we can always try our _backpack_."

"Noooo!" Merlinus yelped in terror, but it was too late…items appeared in midair and began flying in circles around the baffled merchant, who cringed and tried to bat them away: the FE10 skill Parity—which, as we all know, gives one the power to turn into a duck--, a bonsai tree, a cell phone with a durable battery, a cookie, and a glass bottle filled with water.

"AT LAST!" Della shrieked, rushing for the bottle and grabbing it. The rest of the items continued to circle the flailing Merlinus like a swarm of bees. "THE HOLY GRAIL!"

"But…" Eliwood cocked his head. "I thought you said that the Holy Grail would be made of wood, or stone, or clay, or glass."

"This IS glass!" insisted Della. "So much more eco-friendly than disposable plastic bottles and those unbreakable Nalgene ones!" And with that, she popped open the top and began to guzzle the water.

"Is that sacrilege?" Ephraim asked, furrowing his brow.

"Not sacrilege," Della corrected, stopping for air, "_Salvation."_

"So…" Eirika tried to piece together what was happening. "That's really our Holy Quest Item? That is what we have been trying to find all along?"

"Pssht, I don't know." Della shrugged. "But it's got water in it, and I sold my soul and countless hours of my life to go marching in the deadly heat of summer…so it's the gosh-darned Holy Grail to ME!"

Eliwood sighed. "Alright then. I assume this quest is over."

"Yes!" hissed Lyon.

_"WAIT!" _Fortmortiis roared. _"THIS CAN'T END, YET! YOU ALL MUST STILL ADVENTURE WITH BRAVE SIR LYON!" _

"We can do that," said Hector with a shrug. "We'll adventure to the nearest plate of nachos."

Everyone was just reaching an agreement about this when Kent wandered into their midst, still with a soapbox on his head.

"Oh, there it is!" Eliwood cooed delightedly.

Della raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Kent—what happened to you?"

The red knight managed to mumble something nearly incoherent along the lines of being held captive by a pair of screechy twin demons, and of a man with a silly hat who was redheaded and sword-wielding but not exactly chivalrous, and of how he had only escaped these monsters in exchange for the sanity, the soul, and surely the very life of poor Wil.

"How unjust!" Eliwood was shocked by tales of such mistreatment. He ripped his soapbox off of Kent's head, hopped onto it, and lifted his rapier high into the air. "It seems that we have another quest—to save Wil, and all others that Serra and L'Arachel have oppressed! I swear that I shall not rest until justice is restored to every animal, vegetable, or mineral—"

"What about vitamins?" Della voiced from where she was slouched against the wall of the Random Castle with her water bottle.

"Right, every animal, vegetable, vitamin, or mineral—"

"And lipids and nucleic acids."

"…And lipid and nucleic acid—"

"Oh, and proteins."

"Er…"

"And carbohydrates."

Eliwood was silent a minute. Finally he lifted his rapier again and cried, "What _she _said!"

"Yeah!" the other lords cheered in agreement.

"No!" wailed Lyon, but nobody paid attention to him. "You don't understand, I'll lead you all to doom—"

"_NACHOS HAVE LOTS OF LIPIDS!" _cried the Demon King elatedly.

Della wrinkled her nose. "Indeed. And although I usually love disgustingly greasy foods…right now I just want a cookie. And a cell phone with a good battery and a bonsai tree and the ability to transform into a duck."

That was when the tactician noticed that everything she had just listed was currently flying around a terrified Merlinus. Her face lit up with glee, she lunged for the spinning items--

…Yet just as she was about to reach them, they all swiftly crammed themselves down Merlinus' gullet. The force of this knocked the merchant to the ground.

"Uhg…" Merlinus groaned, his stomach swelled to thrice its usual gigantic size. "Delicioso…?"

"Prepare yourself for death, Ephraim!" cried Innes haughtily, irritated with being ignored for so long.

"And prepare yourself for third degree burns, also!" called Saleh helpfully from the top of the battlements. "You wouldn't want to be dead and _then _have to deal with burns!"

Nils and Amelia covered their heads, whimpering, "What are we going to do?"

And then, just as every fire spell was about to be launched, just as Innes was about to let an arrow fly, just as Della was about to stick her hand down Merlinus' throat and pull out the gosh-darned Parity…two high, keening voices called,

"RENNAC!"

The thief winced from the window of the Dave Matthew's Band practice room, recognizing the voices right away. There was no hope for him, now. There was no salvation.

Because over the horizon, moving through the very land itself, was a great big pirate ship. And on this great big pirate ship was a man with long red hair and a ridiculous hat, a tied-up and miserable-looking Seth in a white wig, an even more tied-up and even more miserable-looking Wil…and Serra and L'Arachel, standing way up on the bow and cackling evilly.

"We'll show _you_ what happens to men that run out on us, Rennac!" L'Arachel declared triumphantly.

"You too, Erk!" screeched Serra.

* * *

Up on the battlements, our favorite purple-haired magic user (no, not Canas, the other one) snapped out of his Forblaze-induced trance. He quickly registered the scene—Brave Sir Lyon meeting Lord Eliwood's party of Grail-Questers, Isadora the Explora and her entourage staring up at him in adorable and brightly-colored Latin American fear, and Serra…on a pirate ship…that was sailing through the _ground._

Erk twitched. "M-master…it doesn't make sense!"

"Calm down, Erk!" Pent urged. "It's alright—_nothing _really makes sense, nowadays!"

But Erk was past being calm: "It…doesn't…make…_sense!" _

Sharp, static bolts of magic crackled unconsciously from his fingers, as it would from a short-circuiting robot, and Saleh cringed away in fear.

"Lord Pent," he called, "Get a hold of your student!"

"There's nothing we can do!" Pent yelled back. "The laws of physics have been broken…again! He just can't take it!"

"IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!"

* * *

"Erk's gonna explode!" cried Della frightfully from the grounds.

"What are we going to do?" asked Eirika.

"We need to stop him, before his power kills us all!" Ephraim insisted desperately.

"Everyone, everyone, quiet down!" cried Eliwood grandly, paternally. He spoke to them as he would to very small children. "It's _going to be okay_!"

"What's your plan, Eliwood?" Lyn asked, grabbing his sleeve.

The lord shot her an incredulous look and gestured down to the surface he was standing on. "Why, I've got to give a chivalrous speech, of course!"

Hector immediately gave Eliwood a SMACK-DOWN. Then he stomped on the soapbox until it was nothing but splinters.

"Alright," he growled to the tactician, "You're the one with all the plans…what now?"

Della thought for a moment, studying her surroundings—half of the sky was dark, stormy, rife with formidable power…and the other half was the cloudless blue of…

A SUPER BRIGHT LATIN AMERICAN COLOR SCHEME!

"Tomorrow's forecast," the tactician said softly, pointing towards that bi-colored sky. "Partly cloudy…with a chance of ARMAGEDDON."

"No!" gasped Eirika. Ephraim immediately went to put a protective hand on her shoulder, Lyn threw herself into Kent's arms, Hector's face darkened at the news…

Well, no one was in a good mood.

It made Eliwood sad.

"Would anybody like a cookie?" he asked gently from the ground.

"ME--!" Della began, but the arrow that Innes had nocked all this time suddenly flew towards her and pinned her sleeve to the wall, just as Hector sat down on Eliwood's back again to ensure that no more pansiness could escape to taint this chapter.

* * *

Jaffar said nothing.

"You're right," Legault agreed nervously, "This is very bad. The Questers, Isadora, The Pyros, and that crazy pirate ship are going to get into a huge and epic battle."

Matthew stretched nonchalantly and began walking towards the door. "That's cool. Call me when it happens."

"And where are _you _going?" demanded Legault.

Matthew smirked at his fellow thief over his shoulder. "To go get a snack."

* * *

_A/N: Well, I guess nobody remembers this, but in the earlier chapters of this fic Matthew was always leaving to go get a snack…_

_As for what Soren says? "Porque quiero ver la escabechina" means—if I got it right--"Because I want to see the bloodbath". No lie. My Spanish-English dictionary is really violent, for some reason…every time I open it, I find a word like "dagger" or "tears" or "bloodbath". So bizarre._

_Well, I guess that's all I have to say…as always, a review would make my whole day! Hooray! (Holy crap…that whole thing rhymed…)_


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